Today's Topics:
news of the weird
Post Your Rants And Songs So As I Can Steal Them!! That old Hymm 666.
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To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu, weird@alderon.eng.sun.com
Subject: news of the weird
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 93 17:19:47 PST
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
Message-Id: <9301270119.AA06859@igc.apc.org>
WEIRDNUZ.261 (News of the Weird, February 5, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* Former U. S. diplomat Felix Bloch, the man suspected
of espionage while working at the U. S. Embassy in
Vienna in 1989, was arrested in January and charged
with stealing $100 worth of groceries from a Harris
Teeter grocery store in Chapel Hill, N. C. After the
State Department dismissed him, Bloch embarked on a
second career as a cashier and bagger at the store.
Two store employees said they saw Bloch cart unpaid-for
groceries to his Mercedes-Benz. [Durham Herald, 1-12-
93]
Government in Action
* In a recent Canadian government book offering tips to
newly-arriving immigrants, authors thought it necessary
to give specific advice against being late to school or
work and against public displays of affection, breast-
feeding, urination, and defecation. [Edmonton Sun-CP,
11-22-92]
* When Long Island, N. Y., school superintendent Edward
J. Murphy retired on September 30, he earned severance
pay of over $100,000 at a time of severe financial
troubles for New York schools. However, that was only
the beginning. Under the contract he had negotiated
with the local school board in 1985, Murphy was
entitled to 90 days' paid vacation a year (the normal
is 15 to 20), plus paid sick leave--with the option of
accumulating it and cashing it in at a rate of $1,000 a
day. His total severance package came to more than
$900,000. [New York Times, 12-9-92]
* Pre-Christmas-week paychecks were delayed for 2,600
Postal Service employees in the Hampton Roads, Va.,
area. The checks had been mailed from the Minneapolis
check disbursing facility but were delayed "somewhere
in Virginia," according to postal officials. Because
of the delay, employees were unable to deposit the
checks before the Christmas holiday. [Newport News
Daily Press, 1-1-93]
* U. S. Department of Agriculture meat inspector Roger
W. "Pockets" Halvorson, 56, was indicted in Minneapolis
in January for stealing meat several times from a
company he was inspecting. According to prosecutors,
Halvorson, whose unique personal uniform has extra-
large inside pockets, was accused of loading up on
prime rib during inspections, intending to resell it.
[New Haven Register-AP, 1-8-93]
Compelling Explanations
* Eric F. Murillo, charged with shooting his fourth
wife to death in Fayetteville, N. C., in July, said it
was an accident. Murillo received probation for the
accidental shooting death of his first wife 21 years
ago. Wife number two supposedly committed suicide.
Wife number three divorced Murillo after he put a
loaded .357 Magnum in her mouth and threatened to kill
her. Murillo acknowledged that the circumstances "look
terrible" but said he was just unlucky. [Philadelphia
Inquirer-Boston Globe, 8-22-92]
* Vancouver, British Columbia, judge Jerome Paradis
found David Alexander Snow guilty of sexual assault in
September but not guilty of the attempted murder of his
victim, a 53-year-old woman who had survived the
Auschwitz concentration camp as a child. Wrote
Paradis, "I cannot conclude that the placing of the
wire around the neck of the victim and/or the placing
of the plastic over her head are sufficient to
establish a specific intent to kill." [North Bay
Nugget-CP, 9-15-92]
* In November, the Vermont Supreme Court ordered to
trial the handicap-discrimination lawsuit by employee
Mary Hodgdon against the Mount Mansfield resort. The
resort, which was trying to improve its image in 1987
to four-star status, fired Hodgdon because she refused
to wear her false teeth, which she said were painful.
Wrote the resort management, "Employees [are] expected
to have teeth and wear them daily to work." [Rutland
Daily Herald-AP, Nov92]
* Michele Rardin, 36, ticketed for driving 80 mph in
Hebron, Ind., in July, told patrolman Randy Komisarcik
that when the oil-warning light came on on her
dashboard, she felt she had to race home "before the
car blew up." [Chicago Tribune, Jul92]
* Delano Brugguier, 23, denied he was attempting to
break into Sid's Liquors in Sioux Falls, S. D., in June
when he was discovered stuck in the store's chimney.
Rather, he said, he had passed out on the roof and,
being a fitful sleeper, had merely rolled into the
chimney. [Sioux City Journal, Jun92]
* Richard Usher, Jr., was arrested in Decatur, Ga., in
June for bigamy when his wife (Evelyn Deloris) found
out, via an insurance payoff, that another Mrs. Richard
Usher, Jr., (Evelyn Nelms, whom he had married in 1985)
had just passed away. Wrote Detective C. E. Bolson in
his report, "The only explanation [Usher] could offer
was that he did not remember marrying [Evelyn Nelms]."
[Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Jul92]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Wesley Nunley, 73, recently declared that the $10,000
concrete slab he built on his property near Dallas was
open for business as "U-F-O Landing Base 1." He said
it has been a dream of his "for decades" to have aliens
land on his property--even though the landing pad is
located in a quarry and is surrounded by mud much of
the year. Nunley's best friend told the Dallas Morning
News that Nunley was "a little off." [Austin American-
Statesman-AP, 12-20-92]
Least Competent Person
* Former Quik Trip convenience store employee Mark
Douglas, 32, was arrested for robbing the store in
December in Overland Park, Kan., after police
interviewed him and his girlfriend, whom he had failed
to brief as to what to say. The robber had worn a cap,
and when police asked Douglas whether he had such a
cap, he said no, but the girlfriend said, "Yes, you do.
It's in the closet." [Overland Park Sun, 12-30-92]
Inexplicable
* Part-time security guard Bob Huggins, 86, was
notified in November that his share of The Gaston
Gazette's pension plan is nearly $1 million. Huggins
began working at production jobs in 1926 and became a
guard in 1974. He had never earned more than $8,000 in
a year, and the company had no pension plan at all
until 1989. Huggins's award is so large because the
1989 plan was poorly designed and because Huggins
outlived all others in his employee category.
[Charleston Post & Courier-AP, 11-20-92]
END
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End of Subgenius Digest
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Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 16:31:28 EST
From: "Joshua D. Glasser" <glasserj@sun.mcs.clarkson.edu>
Message-Id: <9301272131.AA23100@sun.mcs.clarkson.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
In-Reply-To: <9301270424.AA08936@media.mit.edu>
Subject: Post Your Rants And Songs So As I Can Steal Them!! That old Hymm 666.
Reply-To: glasserj@sun.mcs.clarkson.edu
Well, I am collecting YOUR SubGenii material for "Potsdam 'Frop Fest '93",
to happen durring march. Its all in our SLACK. Profits to go to MY Favourite
Charity, and YOURS--
) ( Church of the Perpetual Myasma of the One True Pipe of "Bob" (
/(_ _)\ The BEAN Clench /(_ _)\
)^\\_\-=-/-//^( P.O. Box 371 )^\\_\-=-/_//^(
/o (@)/.\(@) o\ Potsdam, New York 13676-0371 /0 (@)/.\(@) o\
\/ ^__ ^ --^ \/ \/ ^__ ^ __^ \/
\|\VVV/|/ Send $1 for amazing new tract \|\VVV/|/
\\AAA// $2 for tract and button \\AAA//
\~~~/ \~~~/
))|(( Short Durration Marrages. Reasonable Fee. ))|((
Please post all your favourite new and classical rants so that I can pick and
choose from amounst them, and represent them as my own "Bob" inspired spoutings
and spewing at `Frop Fest 93. Or, If you want to come and be in it, that would
be good too. I'll credit you durring the show if its called for or if I need
to for "referencial continutity" (makes a good segway, sometimes).
Right now, I'm teaching my officemate to sing songs to the glory of "Bob".
Post all the songs you have! I need more songs!
I need a free or really cheap supply of condoms to throw out at the crowd, just
like B.Naked's sister did *hinthint*, durring my show stopping BEASTIALITY RANT
I need atleast 100 of them. new or used- doesn't matter. NO C.O.D's accepted.
Here's a few songs from "our" last show -- "Bob" Bowery Bash--
the
C:\"Bob"\Kill\CON.91 may 31 at CBGB's in manhattan.
That last show saw my shameful murder, my resurrection by brain transplant, my
autocannibalistness, my singing in boxer shorts, and buck naked slam dancing
ministers and deakons- 600 people off the street paid $4 cover, each, bought
15 teeshirts, and 60 buttons. Cost: The one True Pipe of the First Scacred Pipe
of Brooklyn was destroyed by NGnGee, and a combination of dryice and bong water
suspended from a 22 foot ceiling!
My BIG sister was there, and she said she was never so appaulled by me ever.
(yeah- I know you know I'm 32 years old! And BALD. And have KIDS! ARNTWEALL.)
sung to the tune of:
da dadada da, da dadada da, da da da dada da daa,....
Hymm 666: revTrubYrecording
The END TIMEs are near, but there's nothing to fear, if you just send us $1.
Get ready, get set, prepare for the launch of the bleeding head of A. Palmer.
Remember the Motto, preform the salute, SLACK OFF, and study the pamphlet.
And if you should falter, just look to the sky
'cause "Bob"'s always somewhere near by--
(Chorus)
There's a pipe in the sky, and I'll follow it anywhere!
Arcoss the floor of the ocean, to the mountains so high!
There's a pipe in the sky, and I'll follow it anywhere!
Arcoss the sun baked Mohav'e, through a hurricane's eye!
"Bob"'s never been sick, he's never been ill, except for the time in the Andes.
And, then there the time on All-Mallows eve, when he ate the Conspiro-Candies.
But for the most part, he wont let you down. When you find yourself PressedForTime,
Just call on "Bob" and your mind will unblock- `cause you got a piece of the Rock-
(Chorus)
There's a pipe in the sky, and I'll follow it anywhere!
Arcoss the floor of the ocean, to the mountains so high!
There's a pipe in the sky, and I'll follow it anywhere!
Arcoss the sun baked Mohav'e, through a hurricane's eye!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
) ( Joshua D. Glasser
/(_ _)\ CU Box #5817
)^\\_\-=-/_//^( Department of Mathematics and Computer Science
/o (@)/.\(@) o\ Clarkson University
\/ ^__ ^ __^ \/ Potsdam, New York 13699-5817
\|\VVV/|/
\\AAA// Office: (315) 268- 6686 Fax: (315) 268-6670
\~~~/
))|(( Internet: glasserj@sun.mcs.clarkson.edu
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End of Subgenius Digest
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