Today's Topics:
stty -achy -breaky <3
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From: "Richard L. Rosen" <rlr@panix.com>
Message-Id: <199302192006.AA26874@sun.Panix.Com>
Subject: stty -achy -breaky <3
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1993 15:06:23 -0500 (EST)
Trained scientists from the Septical Debunculator respond to the reports
of Cyrean phenomena...
In the immortal words of Scotto <MOORE7004@iscsvax.uni.edu>:
> From "Request" magazine, March 1993:
> MIRACLE MAN
> His Massive Success Is Only One Of The Mysteries Surrounding
> Billy Ray Cyrus
>
> Last December, USA Today reported that an 18-month-old Tennessee girl with
> cerebral palsy took her first steps after watching Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy
> Breaky Heart" video. Miraculous though it may seem, since doctors said she
> would never walk, the event was only one marvel among many inspired by the
> singer and the song that became the unexpected sensations of 1992.
Dr. Hans Zoff, a trained scientist replies:
"Well, of course, if *I* heard that song I would run as fast as I could in any
direction even if I was immobilized..."
> In September, Lottie Thrum of American Samoa was pronounced dead-on-arrival at
> Pago Pago General Hospital. She was revived, however, and claimed to have had
> an out-of-body experience. She was traveling down a tunnel toward a bright
> white light, she says, but was drawn back into her body when she realized that,
> in her incorporeal stae, she "would no longer be able to do the achy-breaky."
"Or dead!" continued Dr. Zoff...
> *In August, Mary Cousins of Batesville, Arkansas, inserted a $5 bill in the
> jukebox at Ed's Free Nuts Tavern and played "Achy Breaky Heart" 20 times in a
> row. After the 15th play, a ferocious wind blew through the place, shattering
> the windows, mirrors, and light fixtures, driving the bar's patrons under their
> tables. Even more macabre, the walls began to bleed a substance later
> determined to be mayonnaise.
Dr. Eustis Quagmire reports:
"Any substance can EVENTUALLY be determined to be mayonnaise!"
> *In May of 1991, months before Cyrus recorded his landmark hit, a meteorite
> bearing an eerie resemblance to the singer was found just outside of Minsk,
> Belorussia.
Dr. Billy Paul Simon, an expert in Marxist meteorite social theory and a leader
of many local youth groups, says:
"This fails to account for the meteorite that landed on Mikhail Gorbachev's
head which formed the image of Elvis, leading to the downfall of the Soviet
Union as we know it today. Meteorites fall from the sky all the time with no
ill effects whatsoever. A meteorite fell on my house, crashed through my roof,
crushed my skull and everything in it, and I am none the worse for wear."
> In October, at the Fajita Hut in Brownsville, Texas ("Where the elite meet and
> eat fajitas"), the achy-breaky hunk's granite-chiseled visage reportedly
> appeared in a bowl of refried beans. The event could not be verified, however,
> since the beans were immediately consumed by Cyrus fan Nettie Grosvenor, who
> was disappointed to report that the dish was hot and spicy, but left a terrible
> aftertaste.
Says Al, a guy we know who happens to eat at Fajita Hunt frequently:
"I seen all kinds of people in MY food!"
-- "Digging in the dirt, stay with me I need support Digging in the dirt, find the places I got hurt Rich Rosen Open up the places I got hurt..." rlr@panix.com------------------------------
End of Subgenius Digest ******************************
