Today's Topics:
Antarctica
News of the Weird
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From: phy6jem@sun.leeds.ac.uk
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 93 16:14:18 BST
Message-Id: <24963.9303301514@sun018.leeds.ac.uk.sun.leeds.ac.uk>
To: subgenius <subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Subject: Antarctica
ANTARCTICA. (UPI) -- In a surprising development today, Abu
Nidals' terrorist organization has declared war on Antarctica. This
surprising and so far effective ploy has produced 4 dead at Frances' Dumont
Durville research station and 2 dead at Russias Murni station. Count of
the dead has yet to be determined from Americas largest reaserch
station in Antarctica, McMurdo station. Knowledgeable sources in
Middle Eastern affairs say the next station to be hit will, in all
probability be the United States research station at the South Pole,
Amundsen-Scott station. The United States Navy has been unable to
reach the crew at the South Pole due to solar flare activity.
President Clinton has said his "hopes and prayers" are with the
winter crew members. Efforts to provide military support have been
hampered by an unusually fierce storm at the South Pole. United
Nations officials, in regard to civilian saftey concerns, have said
their "Hands are tied" due do current relief efforts in Bosnia.
United States Military Intelligence officials have intercepted
transmissions from what could possibly be several terrorist groups in
Antarctica but will not comment further.
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Date: Tue, 30 Mar 93 16:37:07 PST
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
Message-Id: <9303310037.AA08303@igc.apc.org>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: News of the Weird
WEIRDNUZ.270 (News of the Weird, April 9, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* The Pasadena, Calif., Humane Society, using private
funds, recently began construction of a $4.3 million
dog-and-cat shelter, with towel-lined cages, skylights,
"microclimate" air-conditioning, an aviary, sculptured
bushes, "adoption counseling pavilions" in which people
can meet with their prospective "companion animals,"
and, according to the architect, "a very subdued
classical painting scheme." The Los Angeles Times,
noting that there are four times as many shelters in
the U. S. for animals as for battered women, quoted an
outraged caseworker for a local homeless-person
shelter: "It's mind-boggling. I want to know [who]
their [funders] are." [L. A. Times, 3-15-93]
Silver Tongues
* Mesa, Ariz., Councilman Jim Stapley, advocating
building a larger airport at nearby Williams Air Force
Base but encountering opposition from local retired
people concerned about the potential noise, told them
at a February meeting not to worry because the airport
wouldn't be built for another 20 years and "most of the
people in this room will be dead." [Mesa Tribune, 2-6-
93]
* Poet Aditya Damodaran, 11, whose first anthology was
published in New Delhi last year: "I got interested in
writing six years ago." [World Press Review, June 1992]
* Acting Federal Communications Commission chairman
James Quello, reacting to radio shock-jock Howard
Stern's statement that he--Stern--would have to answer
to a "higher authority" than the FCC for his so-called
indecency, said, "I wouldn't be a bit surpised if
someday a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hits
[Stern] right in the crotch." [San Jose Mercury News,
Feb93]
* From a woman's thank-you testimonial received in
December by Porsche Cars North America: "Porsche
spells safety in the most adverse situation." The
woman had been sitting in a Porsche with her boyfriend
when three shots allegedly fired at the couple by her
husband from a .44 Magnum lodged in the car's interior.
[San Jose Mercury News-L. A. Times, Dec92]
* In December, the California First District Court of
Appeal ordered convicted probation violator Alfred
Taylor to be resentenced by another judge after an
incident involving his original trial judge, Joseph
Carson. Immediately after receiving his sentence from
Carson, Taylor had called the judge a "bitch ass
motherfucker," a "kangaroo ass," and a "country ass
bastard," and Judge Carson had responded, "Fuck you,
too." [The Recorder, 12-29-92]
* In December some of the 280 survivors (out of 340) of
a Dutch charter plane that crashed in a wind gust in
the resort town of Faro, Portugal, gathered to tell
their stories to reporters. Wim Kodman, 27, who is a
botanist, said he was trying to calm a friend during
the wind turbulence by appealing to logic. Said
Kodman, "I told him, 'I'm a scientist--we're
objective.' I told him a crash was improbable. I was
trying to remember the exact probability when we
smashed into the ground." [Ontario, Calif., Daily
Bulletin-AP, 12-23-92]
Sports News
* In December, the New Zealand High Court reduced the
sentence of Rugby League player Rudi Crichton, 21, from
five months in jail to three. A lower court had found
him guilty of deliberately grabbing another player's
testicles during a game in July, hospitalizing him for
a week. [The Dominion, 12-18-92]
* During a January hockey game at Madison Square
Garden, the New York Rangers' apparent winning goal in
a 4-3 game was disallowed when replays showed that the
puck that went into the Vancouver Canucks' net with
22.3 seconds left in overtime in a 3-3 game was
actually thrown in from the stands by a fan. [Syracuse
Herald-Journal-AP, 1-12-93]
* In December, Boston Celtics basketball player Marcus
Webb was placed on the disabled list with a fractured
thumb, which he suffered as he was cracking his
knuckles before a game at Sacramento. [San Francisco
Chronicle, 1-5-93]
* In September, model Christie Brinkley told the New
York Times how hard it was for her to practice her
favorite equestrian sport, "cutting," in which the
rider separates cows one at a time from a herd of about
75. The biggest problem, she said, is a shortage of
cattle. "I need to search high and low to find a herd.
Then I rent the cattle for the weekend and bring them
out and do a little cutting with them." [N. Y. Times,
9-14-92]
* In March, Brad Wade, the boys' basketball coach for
Pretty Prairie (Kan.) High School apologized for his
behavior in a game the previous week. Before the game,
Wade had forgotten to give the name of one of the
Stucky twins (Jon or Jay--Wade wouldn't say which) to
the official scorer; that meant that that player could
not have played in the game without a penalty. When
the twin who was in the game suffered an injury, Wade
told the other twin to put on his brother's jersey and
go in for him, hoping no one would notice. No one did,
but Wade confessed later. [Des Moines Register, Mar92]
The Weirdo-American Community
* Waukesha, Wis., police, responding to a domestic
disturbance in February, confronted a man in the dark;
they thought he had a gun because they heard clicking
sounds. A flashlight revealed that the weapon was a
staple gun and that the man had shot several staples
into his eyes. [Waukesha Freeman, 2-12-93]
Least Competent People
* According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, among the
inquiries received by the sheriff's department in Oak
Ridge, Tenn., during the weekend of the "storm of the
century" in March: One caller wanted to know how she'd
know when the power came back on, and another wanted to
know how come his power was off when he had just seen a
car go by with its lights on. [Knoxville News-Sentinel,
3-16-93]
END
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End of Subgenius Digest
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