Evil Chinese Jerks at it again
Laura had secrets
Nostradamus predicts Sun Microsystems
The Art of Standing Upside Down
From: Charles Edward Maise <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Evil Chinese Jerks at it again
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1993 11:53:51 -0400 (EDT)
This gem courtesy of the Weekly World News, April 20, 1993.
[The guys in the story are obviously in on the joke, but the
WWN is reporting it as a serious news story. Well, as serious
as anything in the WWN is. I tell you, that rag has one of the
highest slack/paper pulp ratios I've ever seen.]
AMERICANS TO STOP CHINESE FROM KNOCKING EARTH OUT OF ORBIT!
Jersey Jumpers will lead the way - but they need your help!
By Jack Alexander
The guys at a New Jersey bar are calling on millions of loyal Americans
to join them in stomping out another stupid Chinese plot to knock the
Earth out of orbit!
"Youd think those crazy Chinese would learn by now they haven't got a
chance in hell of doing their dirty work as long as patriotic Americans
stand up to them," Tim O'Malley, manager of Oaklyn Manor Bar in Oaklyn,
N.J. told Weekly World News.
Less than two years ago, world leaders discovered that 1.3 billion Chinese
planned to jolt the Earth out of orbit and send it sailing off into space -
by jumping up and down at the same time.
The plan was clearly suicidal. When the Earth sailed away from the sun,
the Chinese would have frozen to death just like the rest of us. But a
counter stomp by O'Malley and 13 of his customers, along with millions of
other loyal Americans, foiled the Chinese threat and saved the world on
Sept. 21, 1991.
Now, renowned Chinese affairs expert Dr. Henk de Vries reports that the
Commies are planning another synchronized jump on April 27 at exactly 6:35
p.m. Eastern Daylight Time.
"It's hard to imagine, but China's leaders are determined to destroy
mankind," Dr. de Vries said.
"Their dreams of conquering the world in the name of Communism are lost,
and they've taken the position 'if we can't have it, nobody can.' I know
it sounds fantastic - but the threat is real."
China's dictators will use the state-controlled radio network to order the
country's entire population to jump up and down at the same time, as they
did in 1991. Those who ignore the order could be put to death.
O'Malley's bar buddies are planning another counter jump, and they want
patriotic Americans from all parts of this great land to join them in
battling the Commie threat.
"We're all revved up and ready to show those evil Chinese jerks once again
that they can't mess with the good old U.S. of A.," said bar manager Jack
"We stomped them before, by God, and now it's time for all Americans to
stand up and be counted again."
The men at the Pittsfield, Mass., Fire Department have assured the NEWS
they will also execute a counter jump to save the world.
"Being emergency responders we are well aware of the consequences humanity
would face if the Chinese succeed. They must be stopped," firefighter
Sergio Demo said.
Think we could get the WWN to cover something like, say, "Computer Nerds
Foil Satan and Fulfil a Dying Boy's Dream" ?
Eddie Maise email@example.com Serving Donuts on Another Planet
Date: Sun, 4 Apr 93 23:37 PDT
From: Nelson Minar <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Laura had secrets
email@example.com foolishly asks:
>Why in the name of God is this in here--- AGAIN???
>*** This account is currently not receiving mail. Please stop all transmission
> of mail until further notice. Thank you.
you might think that this is a simple machine generated error message,
and that you've seen it too many times already. You are mistaken.
You, of all people "gt0265d", should understand the usefulness and
importance of seemingly innocent machine generated messages.
Now hush, before you compromise the security of our solar system.
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 93 10:46:10 -0400
From: Eric Haines <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Nostradamus predicts Sun Microsystems
Passed on to me by Mark Reichert, who got it who knows where...
>From: ritter@sun1ais (Ed Ritter ())
Subject: Nostradamus predicted Sun Microsystems
Futurespeak correlations to remember:
1) The future is now.
2) Today is yesterdays' tomorrow
The terrible reign of the big blue machine end here
Many lose, and many gain where novel tendrils link and grow
Sun lights the land, everywhere onyx is seen in windows
The enslaved, once mainly framed, are freed.
Big blue is IBM (it is basically in its death throes), novel tendrils is
networking, Sun lights the land is Sun Microsystems. don't know what onyx is
seen in windows (Unix is seen in Windows?). The enslaved are those that used
to work on mainframes!
Date: Mon, 5 Apr 93 13:49:43 CDT
From: Rex Black <email@example.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: spanking algebra...
> From: Mark Schnitzius <email@example.com>
> Subject: Don't spank me, Lord
> "THE REASON _WHY_ WE NEED TO COME TO JESUS, is sthat we have all done
> wrong & been naughty, so we deserve a _spanking_..."
> Hmmm... What new revision of the Bible was it where Pilate only gave
> Jesus a bad spanking?
Actually, this is an example of displinary algebra. The complete
P = S S I(i,j)
where P is the appropriate punishment level, s the number of sinners
extant up to and including the time of calculation, and n the number
of naughty acts committed by each sinner, quick or dead. (In the case
of the dead, one must sum over their entire lifespan, but for the
quick one must assume a constant rate n/t of naughtiness and consult
actuarial tables for the sinner's risk group to predicate the sum.)
Given P, one must consult punishment tables, rounding up. The sad irony
is that, had Jesus just arrive a couple millenium earlier, he would
only have received a jaywalking ticket.
From: Mark Handley <M.Handley@cs.ucl.ac.uk>
Organisation: Computer Science, University College London
To: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org,
Catherine.Clark@um.cc.umich.edu, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org,
Subject: The Art of Standing Upside Down
Date: Mon, 05 Apr 93 20:58:20 +0100
From: Zheng Wang <Z.Wang@uk.ac.ucl.cs>
Subject: The Art of Standing Upside Down
Date: Mon, 05 Apr 93 10:06:36 +0100
Source: The Sydney Morning Herald
>From the entertaining pages of the SHANXI PICTORIAL comes the story of
65-year-old Chinese Guan Feng, who dramatically improved his health
by standing upside down for long periods.
Feng had suffered from severe insomnia, malfunctioning body organs and, to
top it off, he'd had two-thirds of his stomach lopped out.
But, according to the PICTORIAL, Feng now looks 10 years younger than his
age after practising standing upside down. He has written a book called,
cryptically, "The Art of Standing Upside Down."
He once stood on his head for 192 minutes, during which time he drank water,
ate desserts and wrote with a brush in his mouth. While his blood pressure,
pulse and other vital functions remained normal, his height changed from 169
centimetres to 167 centimetres.
"According to Chan Mi Gong (Buddhist) doctrine 'To be normal is human, to be
abnormal is immortal; to live a long life, stand upside down'," the report
When funster Feng is practising his skill, "he suddenly feels the sky turn
purple before his eyes."
For those keen to try, Feng ups and stands on his head "in the fields, under
trees, in the bed at home, in the courtyard, on top of buildings, on the
edge of cliffs, even in a moving train."
End of Subgenius Digest