Today's Topics:
(2 msgs)
Cookies For Christ! (2 msgs)
News of the Weird
Nostradamus and Onyx
SOS (Save our Slackness)
What is a "full" SubGenius full of?
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Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 22:53:21 -0400
From: Michael L Turyn <mturyn@world.std.com>
Message-Id: <199304080253.AA13543@world.std.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
If you 're offended by Stang talking about worshipping a dead guy on a
stick, then just stick "Bob" on a stick.
There are only a few problems with a previous rant:
1.) J.R. "Bob" Dobbs does not sound like a Redneck name! However, all
SubDinii _are_ rednecks.
2.) The next guy doesn 't necessarily dislike Jim or Tammy, if the "next
guy" (sorry XX units) happens to be a true veins-in-the-teeth
back-to-the-foot SUB!! The worst thing J&T did was to get caught;
Otherwise, in their own over-wrought hedonistic way, they were
role models for all good subs---think of all the normals they
fleeced? Try to think of what they wouldn 't (between them) have
carnal knowledge of? In fact, between them, they made up almost
45% (on the Adjusted Drummond Scale) of an OverPeersson.
Rev. "J.R." Bob Tilton, on the other hand, is a perfect christian
and sub.
3.) Christianity and the other usual suspects you mentioned are to be respected
exactly to the EXTENT that they are STUPID.
The only problem real problem I have with it is that it reserves the Lake
of Fire for those who do not know the Big Alpha 's son, as opposed to
those who committed the far greater and less arbitrary sin of not sending
money to a post-office box in Dallas, or of just not having the right
genes and smell to begin with. Or, for that matter, the fact that it does
not even attempt to tell you how to ENJOY the lake of fire---the worm that
resteth not might be a good ol' boy.
Beyond that, it 's only as screwed up as the number of Pinks in it, and
the absurd dogmatic statements they make. This is absolute Truth, because
I just said so. How do I know I 'm not Pink, or a dumb Bobbie? Because
every jot and tittle of SubGenius doctrine I paid good money for and
memorised and repeated over and over tells me so---if only I could come up
with some myself--oh well, I guess I 'll be able to once my Space Brothers
come down and solve all my problems and torture everyone I don 't like.
4.) Rev. Stang didn 't forget to that you 're supposed to think for yourself:
(Ignoring the fact that the Stang-thing is now a rotting husk animated
solely by the lust for human flesh and money, and that IT's brains
dribbled out into the ink used to print the pamphlets years ago (but
fortunately the vacant space in the cranium was repacked with equal
parts child-rearing and frop) and so no longer capable of thinking for
itself...)
THAT 'S WHAT HE WAS DOING
5.) The gostok stims the doshes. Doshes are what the gostok stims.
Stimming is the gostok does to the doshes. Believe this or
you 'll FRY. Want authenticity? Go forward 3,000 years after
writing this down in a lot of places---it is now the Word of the
Ancients. Get a lot of Pinks to repeat it---it 's now common
sense. Tell them they 're allowed to kill people who don 't agree
with it, or claim to understand it---it 's law or morality. Above
all, it 's self-consistent.
That 's why we Subs reject self-consistency, authenticity, pink
common sense, and pink morality as surely as we do the use of the
word "pink" more than twice in one sentence. Because it leads to
that meaningless statement about the gostok and the doshes, and all
that it entails.
WE know what that damn gostok is REALLY up to.
"Don 't pay sole attention to that man behind the curtain, either."
------------------------------
From: Ryan Porter <rap@mole.cis.ufl.edu>
Message-Id: <9304080358.AA13096@mole.cis.ufl.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 93 23:58:53 EDT
When this Yeti last read your message, it said something like this:
) > what's the reference to "you, of all people" or is this guy just
) > being an a**hole?
What yeti would fear the holy word, the sacred word, the unspeakably
fun word: ASSHOLE?? Methinks we have a stranger in our midsts, eye
must confirm it-->
) at least. As one who is not a full SubGenius (ie, I pick and choose what I
) want to follow within the Church) I could be missing something... but what
It is beginning to look true, who else would talk of *not* being able
to pick and choose, for picking and choosing are two of the most
sacred paths to slackedness, the best ways to see the face of BoB...
I search further-->
) the hell, as long as the pinks wouldn't comprehend any of this esoteric
) stuff, then I certainly am not going to lose any sleep over it. A great man
) (certainly a SubGenius leader, whether he knew it or not) once said something
) like: "Keep 'em guessing, and nobody will ever know that you don't actually
) have any more of a clue than they do." Which, I suppose, is a little like the
) P.T. Barnum philosophy: "You can fool all of the people some of the time,
) and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all the people
) all of the time- UNLESS YOU HAVE THE POWER OF SLACK!"
...well it didn't work, we weren't fooled. I search on-->
) P.S.-- I am thinking about starting a new CotSG splinter group---Christians
) for Slack (tm) -- I asked around, and the general consensus ids that the
) Bible has nothing against Slackness, so I don't believe that "Christians
) for Slack" is as much of a contradiction as it would first appear to be.
) This came about when I was listening to the Hour of Slack one night, and got
) offended once too many times with something about "worshipping a dead guy on
) a stick"... and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this
) was not only an anti-Christian idea, but it was anti-SLACK as well!!!!
What the hell is this? Don't you guys know that we are all paranoid
Christian haters with conspiracy theories about Catholics and Protestants
alike flowing out of our superhuman Yeti megabrains?!?
Did you really think that you could slink around in this realm of
cyberspace and not be noticed as pinks?!?
But still, I search on-->
) Not only that, where did Rev. Stang lose sight of the fact that (supposedly)
) SubGenii have the ability to think for themselves, rather than go along
) with the mostly pink majority? Sure, I am not religious exactly (ie, I
) don't think I have to go to any specific church to be looked upon favorably
) by God) but Geez, even Rev. Stang should know that religion is not all
) bad. I dislike Jim & Tammy Bakker types as much as the next guy, but
) to judge all of Christianity by a few bad examples is like saying all
) SubGenii are Rednecks because "J.R.'Bob' Dobbs" is a redneck-sounding name.
) Get real, people!!! Call out the frauds when you see them (even the Bible
) says that), but don't tell ME that Christianity as a whole is stupid-
HEY!! You stop that, you stop that right now, I don't want any of this
religious debate here, this is a Subgenius Dictatorship, what the hell
is going on, do you really think that a Subgenius would listen to
REASON and change his opinions just because of some little LOGIC thing???
NO!! We do what we FEEL like, it's called SLACK, get a clue.
Yeah, definitely pinks... Go smoke some frop or something...
) Slackly yours,
) Mike "I'll bet I get a lot of replies to this" Whaley
) gt0265d@prism.gatech.edu
Ryan "Sue me, I don't care; I'm slackful" Porter
rap@cis.ufl.edu
------------------------------
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Cookies For Christ!
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 93 12:13:27 +0100
From: Gordon Joly <G.Joly@cs.ucl.ac.uk>
Message-ID: <9304070715.aa20697@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
I prefer the sort of cookies delivered by Zonker Harris.
El Gordo.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 11:24 GMT
From: AJ Janschewitz <0005037030@mcimail.com>
To: Subgenius <Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Subject: Cookies for Christ
Message-Id: <62930407112426/0005037030ND4EM@mcimail.com>
Cookies for Christ? I thought they used wafers. I wonder what kind of
cookies they would use, since it obviously represents the Body of the Man on
a Stick. Chocolate chip? No ... smacks of skin disease. Oreos? No ... it
would be politically incorrect.
Fellow Subgenii: What cookie would YOU use for Christ? And do you have a
tasty recipe for them?
==a.j.==
Right Turn on Red Except Where Prohibited Reverend, Pastor of the As Yet
Unnamed Church of the Make All Checks Payable to Cash or kill me.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 06:55:25 PDT
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
Message-Id: <9304071355.AA11312@igc.apc.org>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: News of the Weird
WEIRDNUZ.271 (News of the Weird, April 16, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* In March, Pope John Paul presided over the
beatification--which probably signals eminent
sainthood--of a man whose name gave rise to a popular
synonym for "stupid." The 13th century theologian John
Duns Scotus was a powerful medieval thinker, rivaling
St. Thomas Aquinas; but by the 16th century, his
disciples had lost an intellectual power struggle and
were denounced by the Dutch scholar Erasmus as not-
exactly-bright, which ultimately gave us the term
"dunce." [Edmonton Journal-Reuter, 3-19-93]
Just Can't Stop Myself
* Larry Burchfield, 28, was arrested in Martinsville,
Ind., in November and charged with burglary. He was
discovered inside a home at 3 a.m. when the owners were
awakened by the sound of Burchfield playing their
piano. He did not stop playing until police arrived.
[Bloomington, Ind., Herald-Times, 11-7-92]
* In Atlanta in December, John Thomas Harmon, 34, who
had just been released after serving 10 years of a 20-
year sentence for kissing or biting women on the
buttocks, was arrested and charged in three similar
incidents (two kissing and one licking). [Atlanta
Journal, 12-21-92]
* Recently, there have been several reports of grown
men appearing in public wearing diapers and little
else. Richard L. Beay, 26, was arrested in January in
West Allis, Wis., after he asked a female high school
student if she would change him. Danny R. Owens, 44,
was released by police in Williamsburg, Ky., in
February and told to scram--back home to Knoxville,
Tenn.--after reports in three states identified him as
a recidivist. And a 52-year-old man was stopped by
police in Contoocook, N. H., in March after being found
in a parking lot wearing only a T-shirt and a
disposable diaper (with duck designs on it). [Milwaukee
Journal, 1-24-93; Knoxville News-Sentinel-AP, 2-22-93;
Boston Globe-AP, 3-22-93]
* George S. Jonas, 57, who had just been released from
prison after serving three years of a 30-year term for
burglary and who had announced that his burglary career
was over--even calling himself "George Jonas, Master
Burglar (Retired)"--was arrested again in October for
burglary of a townhouse in Miami, Fla. Jonas is the
author of the 1980 book, The Complete Burglary
Prevention Manual--Illustrated, which he wrote while
serving yet another burglary sentence. [Miami Herald,
10-22-92]
* The Wall Street Journal reported that as of October
1992, U. S. Rep. Illeana Ros-Lehtinen of Florida was
"by far the most flagrant abuser" of the policy of the
daily Congressional Record that Members of Congress may
insert any written material they want for reprinting,
irrespective of its relevance to Congressional
business. As of October, she had inserted over 400
items for reprinting, which jacked up the cost to
taxpayers by $405,000. [Washington Times-Wall Street
Journal, 11-22-92]
* In November a Los Angeles jury convicted professional
clown Terry ("Clownzo the Clown") Knutson of six counts
related to his messy house and property, including
"rodent harborage." Neighbors had complained for 15
years about the garbage, but Knutson was defiant:
"Everything here has a purpose. My life doesn't need
to be put in order." [Los Angeles Times, 11-13-92]
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
* A 35-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of
burglary in Fort Worth, Tex., in March, when a
homeowner returned from shopping and discovered the man
in the bathroom, sitting on a toilet, answering
nature's call. [Moline Dispatch-Ft. Worth Star-
Telegram, 3-14-93]
* A 19-year-old man was killed in Elkhorn City, Ky., in
February, when a 30-ton boulder fell from a cliff onto
his grandparents' mobile home and crushed him while he
was watching television. His grandfather was thrown
across the room and suffered a broken shoulder.
[Louisville Courier-Journal-AP, 2-25-93]
* In October a 30-lb. meteorite fell from the sky in
Peekskill, N. Y., passing through the parked 1980
Chevrolet belonging to Michelle Knapp, 18. She heard a
crash, then rushed out the door to see a huge crater
underneath what used to be her car. [Minneapolis Star-
Tribune-AP, 10-11-92]
* Two California miscreants paid a disproportionately
high price for their crimes recently: In Chatsworth, a
23-year-old man was killed by a train after he fell
onto the tracks as he was trying to sneak into a drive-
in movie. And a man in his 20s was killed when his
body became wedged in the housing underneath a bus he
was using for a jail escape in Los Angeles. [Los
Angeles Times, 1-23-93, 3-3-93]
The Weirdo-Anglican Community
* In a 1992 issue of Sexual and Marital Therapy
journal, two therapists at the Institute of Psychiatry
in London described "orgasmic reconditioning" they
performed on their patient, George, age 20. They
reported "partial" success in getting George to switch
his masturbatory stimuli from the family car, an Austin
Metro, to photographs of naked women. George had
reported arousal previously only when sitting in the
car or when squatting behind it while the engine was
running. (Before that, George was sexually preoccupied
with urination by dogs, children, and women.) [The
(London) Independent, 12-7-92]
Inexplicable
* The York County (Pa.) Teen Pregnancy Coalition
sponsored the first "Great York County Sex-Out" on
March 23, in which it urged that no sex acts at all
take place for 24 hours, in order to encourage teenage
abstinence. The coalition published lists of
"substitute" activities, including talking, moonlight
walks, cookie-baking, and cold showers. The coalition
chairman, Joe Fay, said, "If you can control yourself
for one day, you can control yourself any day." [Ottawa
Citizen-The Guardian, 3-24-93]
END
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Apr 93 22:34:18 -0600
From: Reagen Ward <ward@hydra.cche.olemiss.edu>
Message-Id: <9304070434.AA04327@hydra.cche.olemiss.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Nostradamus and Onyx
>From: ritter@sun1ais (Ed Ritter ())
Subject: Nostradamus predicted Sun Microsystems
Futurespeak correlations to remember:
1) The future is now.
2) Today is yesterdays' tomorrow
The terrible reign of the big blue machine end here
Many lose, and many gain where novel tendrils link and grow
Sun lights the land, everywhere onyx is seen in windows
The enslaved, once mainly framed, are freed.
Big blue is IBM (it is basically in its death throes), novel
tendrils is networking, Sun lights the land is Sun Microsystems.
don't know what onyx is seen in windows (Unix is seen in Windows?).
The enslaved are those that used to work on mainframes!
Onyx is the new machine from Silicon Graphics, Inc. It is to replace
the Reality Engine with the power of a Power Challenge box.
-Reagen B. Ward
(Rev. Dkr. Eugene V. Horowitz, 23rd Church of the Jewish Catholic
SubGenius)
------------------------------
Message-Id: <YfkmCDm00WBLM5obMD@andrew.cmu.edu>
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 14:55:11 -0400 (EDT)
From: Gregory Bolton <gb9l+@andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: SOS (Save our Slackness)
Cc:
>The Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship will be converting those sinners
>who wish to find Jesus at the "Cookies for Christ" table outside of
>Doherty Hall all this week.
>
>Come get cookies, convert and meet Christ (the big shaggy thing that is
>passing out fliers)
>
>Also, if you are interested, make sure to come to our tent on the Cut
>for some really good Christian Revival music.
Just thought I'd add something here, because it's much weirder than it
sounds: the "big shaggy thing" was not just ANY big shaggy thing. I saw
him with my own (only slightly glazed) eyes. It was the Beast from
"Beauty and the Beast."
Somebody help me out here: IF "Beast" = Christ, THEN who = God?
And how come I never see any crucifixes with the Beast on the cross?
How come he usually has that Kris Kristoferson look?
I'm worried, too, because I think Christianity might have a big revival
if Jesus sings a couple more chart-stompin', oscar-winning ballads.
Maybe Michael "Today Disney Tomorrow the World" Eisner isn't stopping
with the new "Mighty Ducks" hockey team. Maybe he's arranging some kind
of leveraged buyout of the entire Christian faith!!! What if he goes
after "Bob" next, damn it?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 09:52:34 -0400
From: Mark Day <mday@jukebox.lcs.mit.edu>
Message-Id: <9304071352.AA27412@jukebox.lcs.mit.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: What is a "full" SubGenius full of?
As one who is not a full SubGenius (ie, I pick and choose what I
want to follow within the Church) [....]
This implies that a "full" SubGenius would be one who follows
everything that the Church says.
And yet, such sheeplike behavior seems devoid of Slack.
Thus I suspect that a "full" SubGenius in the sense described is full
of something other than Slack....
--Mark Day
Assistant Pope
Church of the Cute, Cuddly and Randomly Violent
------------------------------
End of Subgenius Digest
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