Today's Topics:
Cat Mutilations
Pinkboyz and Newd Recruits: listen up!
(plus 1 message with no subject line)
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Message-Id: <9305041426.AA17060@cambridge.apple.com>
Date: Mon, 03 May 93 23:11:37 EDT
From: "David A. Moon" <moon@cambridge.apple.com>
To: SubGenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Cat Mutilations
Copied without permission from the Boston Globe of Sunday, May 2, 1993.
Footnotes are mine.
Dead feline found in Easton is identified as African breed
by Sandy Coleman
Globe Staff
After weeks of reports of a mysterious cat prowling the Easton-Mansfield
area, Easton police yesterday said they had found a decapitated wild cat
believed to be from Africa.
However, they do not believe it is the cat that has struck fear in some
southern suburbanites [1] and been fodder for many a tall tale.
Police Chief Stanley Bates [2] said officer Jack Lynn [3] found a 30- to
35-pound [4] cat last night around 7 p.m. in a field. An anonymous caller had
tipped police about a dead animal lying alongside Route 38.
The carcass was found off Route 38, south of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound
Park in a field 50 yards off the road, Bates said.
Police searched the area for the animal's head but did not find it. "It
could have been removed as a trophy. I don't know," Bates said. [5]
This is the second time an animal--possibly the same kind of cat--has been
found with its head cut off [6], the chief said. In January, state
environmental police officers found a decapitated animal, but it was not
identified. [7]
The cat's decomposed body was taken to Tufts University yesterday morning,
where it was identified by Charles Sedgwick as an African serval, a species
which lives and hunts in the grasslands of Africa [8]. The cat looked like a
miniature cheetah and would not have hurt anyone unless pursued, said
Sedgwick, a wildlife expert at the Grafton-based wildlife clinic at Tufts'
veterinary school.
Sedgwick said that the cat's intestines and internal organs were also
missing [9], indicating that someone [10] may have wanted the animal for
taxidermy. [11]
The African serval is slender with long legs, is yellowish in color and has
black spots and a black band.
Bates said there is a black market for the animals.
"People have these things as pets," said Sedgwick, adding that it is
illegal to have them in Massachusetts without a permit.
X-rays revealed no broken bones or bullet wounds [12]. "We can only
speculate why the animal died and why the head was taken," Bates said. But he
said the cat was not the same animal that had been the subject of videotapes
shown on television [13].
Within the past couple of months, the Easton Police Department has reported
receiving more than three dozen phone calls from people believing they had
seen a wild cat roaming the area.
However, the description of the cat varied wildly--from puma to wolverine.
One woman who wrote in was sure it was a St. Bernard [14], Bates said.
"You wouldn't believe some of the phone calls I've been getting," he said.
"I thought it would be laid to rest with the animal being found." Police in
Mansfield, Norton and Stoughton also have received calls about the creature.
Sedgwick speculates that what people are seeing may be a mix of a standard
housecat and an exotic jungle or golden cat. [15]
"You have to realize the public sees things and they see things in their
imagination," he said. "A great big mountain lion is only 120 pounds and
someone would look at that animal and say, 'That's got to weigh 300 pounds.'"
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[1] Which brings us to the SubGenius mailing list.
[2] Chief Bates' relationship to the noted Boston hotel security consultant
Norman Bates remains the subject of speculation.
[3] Full name Jack Lynn Kennedy Onassis.
[4] Depending on whether you count the head.
[5] Indeed, he does not know. The true reason for the head's removal can be
found in note 7.
[6] There is certainly a pattern of cat mutilations in the area between Boston
and Providence. Watch for a rash of crop circles this summer.
[7] The heads had been removed by the killers to prevent identification.
[8] Everyone knows that cats cannot swim. Furthermore, even if they could
swim it is evident that a 35-pound cat could not successfully swim the
Atlantic ocean from Africa to Massachusetts. The most likely explanation is
that the cat was picked up in Africa by a methane-fueled flying disk,
subjected to horrifying medical experiments, and then dumped in the Easton
field while the disk pilots collected their winnings at the nearby dog track.
[9] Further evidence for transportation by aliens, as a cat without intestines
would be even less likely to be capable of sustaining the notoriously
difficult transatlantic crossing.
[10] Or some thing.
[11] This claim is implausible on its face. According to experts, a
taxidermist would have retained the body and discarded the intestines. The
perpetrator in this case did just the opposite. Dr. Sedgwick and Chief Bates
are obviously conspiring in a government cover-up designed to protect the
American people from knowledge of saucer landings in the Easton-Mansfield
area.
[12] Further strengthening the evidence of alien intervention. No weapon
known to human technology could have killed the cat without leaving evidence.
[13] For one thing, the one on television had a head.
[14] The St. Bernard is of course the largest member of the cat family native
to the Northeastern United States.
[15] Interbreeding between these distinct species is only possible through the
intervention of space aliens' advanced medical technology.
Unrestricted REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 93 04:30:25 GMT
From: "Mitchell L. Silverman" <mitch@cfraix.cfr.usf.edu>
Message-Id: <9305040430.AA149282@cfraix.cfr.usf.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Pinkboyz and Newd Recruits: listen up!
You new people--News O' The Weird readers, Comic Book SubGenii,
whatever--are obviously in need of some churchin' up. And
since it's *obvious* that you'all are too Slack-filled (or, in
some cases, too Pink) to think to do it, here's where Deacon
Archie says you should go for enlightenment.
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Location: /pub/doc/misc
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FILE -r-xr-xr-x 9083 Jan 28 1992 subgenius.txt
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Well, you know what to do, and how to do it.
Or kill me.
- The Rev
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Date: 04 May 1993 13:25:55 -0500 (EST)
From: STU_JGJOHNSO@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Message-id: <01GXS1XT8HLU8YGSGJ@VAX1.ACS.JMU.EDU>
dear subgeniuses
please stop sending me these messages
sincerely
stu_jgjohnso@vax1.acs.jmu.edu
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End of Subgenius Digest
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