Today's Topics:
(3 msgs)
I'lllll suuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee........
I Love You (with ketchup)
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Date: Mon, 12 Jul 93 09:58:21 CDT
From: Rex Black <rex@iquery.iqsc.com>
Message-Id: <9307121458.AA10447@qasun.iqsc.COM>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu, Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
> It seems to me that it ought to be possible to
> determine in some sort of fairly rigorous/statistical
> way whether or not Tv and violence are related.
It's been done. We have a control group, thanks to the South African
gov't, which decided early in the TV era that TV was bad for
people--especially white people actively involved in oppressing
black people--so they banned it. Completely. Up until a few years ago,
there was NO TV in South Africa. Now, South Africa, like America, has
fairly liberal (in the true meaning of the term) gun laws. The laws
remain fairly liberal. However, with the advent of progressive white
gov't, South Africans now enjoy TV as well as the steady unraveling of
the social fabric. The result has been a clear increase in violence
when compared to Canada (which has strict gun control) and the USA
(which has less-strict gun control than Canada and SA).
I have yet to hear anyone refute the study.
Rex
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 93 09:58:21 CDT
From: Rex Black <rex@iquery.iqsc.com>
Message-Id: <9307121458.AA10447@qasun.iqsc.COM>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu, Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
> It seems to me that it ought to be possible to
> determine in some sort of fairly rigorous/statistical
> way whether or not Tv and violence are related.
It's been done. We have a control group, thanks to the South African
gov't, which decided early in the TV era that TV was bad for
people--especially white people actively involved in oppressing
black people--so they banned it. Completely. Up until a few years ago,
there was NO TV in South Africa. Now, South Africa, like America, has
fairly liberal (in the true meaning of the term) gun laws. The laws
remain fairly liberal. However, with the advent of progressive white
gov't, South Africans now enjoy TV as well as the steady unraveling of
the social fabric. The result has been a clear increase in violence
when compared to Canada (which has strict gun control) and the USA
(which has less-strict gun control than Canada and SA).
I have yet to hear anyone refute the study.
Rex
------------------------------
From: christopher williams <cgw@sol.acs.unt.edu>
Message-Id: <9307121723.AA26741@sol.acs.unt.edu>
Subject:
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1993 12:23:50 -0500 (CDT)
Reply-To: cgw@unt.edu
in <199307091839.AA13736@panix.com>, "Richard L. Rosen" <rlr@panix.com> excremeditated:
>OK, I've got something that does something vaguely like this for a Mac called
>deconstructor, which so far has only yielded mediocre results for me. It
>says it can just mix up words, or mix up syllables to get new words, but I
>can't seem to get it do that much. This disassociated press thang looks much
>cooler judging from the output here. I assume that this is some emucks
>thang. I'd rather have broccoli inserted into my nostrils than use emucks
>(but hey, I'm just that kind of guy...) Is there anything else out there
>(for whatever flatporm) that does this same thing or better for me or my
>money back or kill me?
there's 'markov', which works...eeehhh, ok, but not quite as good as
emacs' 'dissociated-press'. there's another standalone like markov,
but i can't remember it's name.
>I wanna be the next Burriam Willoughs, y'know, and write "My Clothed Dinner
>with Byron" and get it banned and become informous.
you can! send me $20, and ask me how!
-c "the 'g' stand for 'gosh i hate emacs'" w-
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Message-Id: <9307121559.AA16767@thelonious>
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: I'lllll suuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee........
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 93 11:59:08 EDT
} Newsgroups: clari.news.trouble,clari.news.canada
} Subject: Lawyer testing high-rise window plunges to death
}
} TORONTO (UPI) -- Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety
} of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
} his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
------------------------------
From: dryfoo@athena.mit.edu
Message-Id: <9307121859.AA16856@thelonious>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: I Love You (with ketchup)
Date: Mon, 12 Jul 93 14:59:39 EDT
Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1993 16:57:13 -0400 (EDT)
From: Bill Cattey <wdc@Athena.MIT.EDU>
Subject: Barney Goes Natural (or Jason Fox was right...)
...
From: vinnie@slipknot.mit.edu (Vinnie Russo)
...
Date: Tue, 6 Jul 93 11:47:32 -0400
From: Mark Urbin <urbin@interlan.interlan.com>
...
------- Forwarded Message
BARNEY DOES BREAKFAST AND CHARGED WITH MURDER
Washington June 25, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Barney the dinosaur, star of the children's television show Barney, went
berserk this morning during his show and ate three of his child
co-stars.
The mayhem occurred in the Pretend Room while Barney and his co-stars
sang the song "Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me." In the second verse, Barney
stopped singing and muttered that he had not eaten breakfast. He started
staring at the children. Drops of saliva dripped from his mouth. His
stomach growled. His eyes widened and pupils dilated much like someone
on the third week of a radical diet of designer water and raw grass, who
stumbles upon a cheesecake in a bakery window. Just as the children
finished the song, Barney started to shiver. Suddenly, he just grabbed
the children and one by one dropped them down his mouth like appetizers.
A fourth child only escaped because Barney ate the third child too fast,
and he bent over choking for several minutes, allowing the child to run
away. Barney nearly passed out, but a fortuitous belch cleared the
obstruction. He then stood erect, complained of a severe thirst, and
asked for a double gin and tonic.
This all seemed very ironic, since Barney had just given a ten minute
lesson, demonstrating to children how to chew one's food properly to
prevent choking. The lesson even included a rhyming song with lyrics
instructing children on the proper technique of the Heimlich maneuver.
Following it, Barney gave a ten minute plea for responsible drinking
among kindergartners.
Before Barney finished his gin and tonic, the police arrived and
arrested him on three counts of first degree murder, one count of
attempted murder, and a misdemeanor charge of chewing with his mouth
open.
The Public Broadcasting Corporation (PBS), producers of Barney,
estimates seven million children and 300,000 very strange adults saw the
killings. However, it estimates that over sixty million people saw the
show that night when many of its local affiliates broadcast the show
again as part of their fund drive. PBS local affiliates claimed record
donations from viewers during the rebroadcast, especially when the
stations ran Barney eating breakfast in slow motion. They also reported
receiving thousands of supportive letters which said, "Now that's what I
call culture. Keep it up!"
News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world. Barney comes
from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt work in the film
King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the film King Kong Versus
Mohammed Ali. Barney's father played in the movie 1,000,000 Years B.C.
and its sequel 1,000,001 B.C. His mother ran an acting school, which
became famous for teaching iguanas the Stanislasky methods.
Barney began his career as a tap dancer. Later, he starred in many
Broadway shows in which he broke down many barriers against reptiles. He
played Professor Higgins in an all serpent version of Lerner and Lowe's
My Fair Lady. He played Curly in Oklahoma in the first show produced and
directed by stegosauruses. His music theater career ended though when he
tripped over his tail during a dance scene in West Side Story. He
received a severe head injury, and his I.Q dropped seventy points,
giving him the intelligence of a learned potato. He had to quit the
music theater but got a job playing himself on own children's TV show.
Upon Barney's arrest, he hired flamboyant defense attorney A.P. Hee-Haw
Ripsnort to defend him. Ripsnort is a smooth, down home, southern lawyer
who speaks with a New York accent. He wears Rhet Butler suits with a
prostitute's lace garter belt wrapped around his upper arm. In court,
he wears no shoes or socks and asks beautiful jurywomen it they'd like
to arm wrestle sometime. While cross-examining witnesses, he eats corn
on the cob and offers prosecuting attorneys a chew of his tobacco. He
specializes in defending TV creature actors. For instance he has
defended Dino of The Flintstones, Alf of the show Alf, and Herve
Villachaez of Fantasy Island. He became famous for successfully
defending Kermit the Frog of the Muppets from a vicious palimony suit
brought on by Miss Piggy.
Ripsnort said he would base Barney's defense on temporary insanity, for
only hours before the killings Barney had watched a pirate video
cassette of the film Jurassic Park fifteen times consecutively.
Ripsnort will make the argument that the gratuitous violence in the film
Jurassic Park motivated Barney to consume children, a diet that even the
American Pork Producers does not approve because of its high
cholesterol. Ripsnort intends to present clips from Jurassic Park,
showing dinosaurs hunting and eating humans, to the jury as part of
Barney's defense. He will precede the clips with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
No matter the outcome of the trial, however, Barney has no future on
television. The Federal Communications Center (FCC) intends to ban him
from public airwaves for eating children in daylight hours, a violation
of FCC rules.
------- End of Forwarded Message
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End of Subgenius Digest
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