Today's Topics:
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Date: Thu, 14 Oct 93 02:55:00 -0500
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Date: Thu, 14 Oct 93 00:02:37 EDT
From: Automatic Subgenius Digestifier <@mc.lcs.mit.edu:Subgenius-request@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Reply-To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Subgenius Digest V4 #187
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subgenius Digest Thu, 14 Oct 93 Volume 4 : Issue 187
Today's Topics:
Oft-times
the kind of mail I get
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Date: Wed, 13 Oct 93 11:12:05 EDT
Message-Id: <9310131512.AA11950@Athena.MIT.EDU>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From: William Shakespeare <shakes@globe.com>
Subject: Oft-times
--------
Dear Sirs,
Oft-times thou feelest like unto a nut,
And yet, M'lord, anon, feel'st thou not so.
Yon Almond Joy these selfsame nuts doth have,
Whereas contrary Mounds doth have them not.
-- William Shakespeare
-----------------------------
From: dryfoo@mit.edu
Message-Id: <9310131803.AA07563@thelonious.MIT.EDU>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Cc: Mark Dryfoos <dryfoos_m@sandoz.com>, eddie@hermes.oit.unc.edu,
morgen@hermes.oit.unc.edu, Kathleen Thurston-Lighty <ktl@mitvma.mit.edu>,
Mark Wolkoff <positrony@aol.com>, Ben Liberman <ben@tai.chi.il.us>
Subject: the kind of mail I get
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 93 14:03:05 EDT
} Subject: [medium humor post] SPAM!
}
} [several forwards removed]
}
} Following my recently posted proof of the equivalence of TIME and SPAM,
} several people have written to me, asking me to explain in greater
} detail the nature and structure of the universe as a whole. The nature
} of the universe is simple--the entire observable universe is actually a
} single can of Spam: what we call the universe would be more accurately
} described as the "SPAM CAN TOTALITY."
}
} Sure, you say, the fact that the entire universe is a gigantic can of
} Spam seems intuitively obvious, but just how strong is the hard physical
} evidence for the Spam Can Totality? The answer is, of course,
} overwhelming; here are just a few proofs of the Spam Can Totality:
}
} (1) The first two subshells of an atom's electron shells are called the
} "s" subshell and the "p" subshell; the first two letters of "Spam"
} are "s" and "p"--coincidence? I think not!
}
} (2) The mathematic constant e is approximately 19/7--but the letter "s",
} the first letter of Spam, is the 19th letter of the alphabet and a
} can of Spam weighs 7 ounces! e is equal to the number of the first
} letter of Spam divided by the weight of Spam!
}
} (3) "Spam" has four letters: four is equal to 2+2, 2*2, and 2^2; four
} is obviously a representation of two twos--and 22/7 (two twos
} divided by the weight of Spam) is almost exactly equal to pi, yet
} another fundamental physical constant!
}
} (4) In #3, we showed how the length of the word "Spam" is a higher
} resonance of two--yet, incredibly, nondivergent forces such as
} electrostatic and gravitational forces decrease EXACTLY as the
} SECOND power of the radius!
}
} (5) According to the ancient science of numerology, words correspond to
} numbers according to the rule a=1, b=2, c=3...i=9,j=10,k=20,l=30....
} using this technique, we find that the number of "Spam" is 211--and,
} incredibly, the mass of Spam in grams is 198. Now, 198/211 is equal
} to .938--which is the mass of the proton in GeV!
}
} (6) Lincoln had a secretary named "Kennedy" and Kennedy had a secretary
} named "Lincoln"!
}
} (7) In addition to the standard seven ounce size can of Spam, there are
} also larger, twelve-ounce cans available. While the seven-ounce
} cans are a long rectangle, the twelve-ounce cans are closer to being
} square--and twelve squared (144) minus seven (7) yields 137, the
} reciprocal of the fine structure constant! Only by accepting the
} truth of the SPAM CAN TOTALITY can one understand the true meaning
} and significance of the fine structure constant!
}
} The SPAM CAN TOTALITY is the ultimate reality of the universe. Only by
} comprehending Spam can we hope to comprehend ourselves. Black holes are
} a hoax--because the universe is a can of Spam, only pink holes can
} exist! Only through Spam--the unification of physics, chemistry, and
} biology--can we understand the physical nature of the universe! The
} ubiquitous microwave background is, in fact, left-over energy from the
} original COSMIC CANNING EVENT! Matter is composed of fundamental quanta
} of Spam--while antimatter is none other than discrete quanta of
} anti-spam, also known as "Vegetarian Spam" or "Tofu"! The reason matter
} predominates over antimatter in the Spam Can Totality can be seen by
} looking in almost any grocery store--not only does Spam sell better than
} Tofu, Tofu expires in a matter of a week or two, while the expiration
} date on a can of Spam is years, even decades in the future!
}
} The fact that the earth is made of matter--discrete quanta of Spam--
} explains everything about the earth, from its structure to the
} mechanisms of continental drift and sea floor spreading. If you leave
} the contents of a can of Spam on your counter for a few days, it will
} automatically form a crust--much like the earth's! Soon, this crust
} will form cracks, just like the mid-Atlantic ridge on our own planet,
} and things will begin to grow on it--just like the development of life
} on earth, only with greater speed, owing to the fact that the earth is
} somewhat larger than most cans of Spam. Even the growth of the higher
} animals will be simulated in this Spam microcosm, through the process of
} Spontaneous Maggot Materialization (patent pending)!
}
} I, therefore, demand that from this day forth, elements shall be called
} by their proper Spam-based names. No longer will foolish scientists
} refer to the first element as "hydrogen," instead they shall call it
} "Spam." "Beryllium" shall henceforth be known only as "spam, eggs,
} sausage, and spam"; and the 94th element shall forevermore be called
} "spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
} spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, and spam."
} (If Baked Beans are off, Spam may be substituted.)
}
} The now obsolete Nobel Corporation will be replaced with the Spam Can
} Foundation. Dedicated to furthering Spam knowledge, the Spam Can
} Foundation will give an annual prize to the person with the most
} spamlike brain--but this prize shall not be mere money, but something
} far greater: immortality! The individual selected for this prestigious
} award shall be sealed in a rectangular tin in which he or she will
} remain fresh and unspoiled for eternity. No doubt there are many people
} you will wish to nominate for this award, so be sure to forward their
} names and addresses, along with the hours they are normally sleeping to
} this foundation.
}
} May Spam be with you,
}
} The Reverend Doctor Trygve Lode
}
} --
} Trygve Lode | 3270 Cherryridge Road, Englewood, CO 80110 | (303) 781-6309
} Want a copy of the soc.singles FAQ? Send mail to tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu
}
} ----- End Included Message -----
}
} NB: The Spam Can Totality paradigm does not actually contradict the
} postulated existence of black holes. The severe gravitational tidal
} effects found in the vicinity of a black hole will readily rip one half
} of a virtual particle pair away toward the black hole, leaving only it's
} mate in the observable part of the universe. Particle pairs which have
} as one element a particle which carries the fundamental Spam quanta as
} an observable aspect turn out to be ideal both for observing this tidal
} effect and for proving the existence of black holes. Simply place a can
} of Spam, or even a small part of a can of Spam, next to some other
} arbitrary matter grouping, such as filet mignon, tofu jambalaya, or
} gourmet ice cream. The arbitrary matter grouping will always be whisked
} away first, leaving the can of spam alone in the observable universe.
}
} /S.J. Spangenberg
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Gary L. Dryfoos | "A man's concepts should exceed
| <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu> | his vocabulary...
| IS-Athena Training Admin. |
| MIT Room 11-311, Cambridge, MA 02139 | ...or what's a metaphor?"
| (617) 253-0184 / fax: 253-8665 | -- Plato Schrimp
| P.O. Box 505, Cambridge, MA 02142 |
+===========================================================================
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End of Subgenius Digest
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