Today's Topics:
Books
I didn't pass this along...
Virginal Morality
WEIRDNUZ.300
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1993 11:56:33 -0500
From: Scott A Mayo <smayo@world.std.com>
Message-Id: <199312061656.AA03065@world.std.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
Sigh. Christianity would do better if we could
fine the flaming right-wingers whenever they said
something stupid. Remember, you heard it from
an evangelical conservative. -Scott
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1993 10:43:04 -0500
From: Michael L Turyn <mturyn@world.std.com>
Message-Id: <199312061543.AA07510@world.std.com>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Books
There are at least two books (of a slackful nature) I would like to get which
seem to be available only in Britain right now. Is anyone on this list there
right now, or will soon be going there (and have enough spare time to duck
into a bookshop)? You will be well compensated if you can get the books in
question ("Lux the Poet" and "Milk, Phosphate, and Alby Starvation", both
by Martin Millar, and probably anything else by him as well) to me.
Thanks, --Michael Turyn.
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 93 10:45:48 -0501
From: jprovo@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Message-Id: <9312061546.AA01551@spiff.gnu.ai.mit.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: I didn't pass this along...
I didn't pass this along, definitely not implying that any preeeeverts out
there should play reindeer games with them...
[forwards removed]
Notice: This message is being posted as a courtesy to someone who does
not have an account on this system. Any replies should be
forwarded to the email address or voice phone number listed below.
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You could be on T.V.!
Seeking sex-talk inside information from teens who know...
My name is Damian Sullivan, and I am the Director of Research
on the ABC television program, "The Home Show", hosted by
Gary Collins and Sarah Purcell.
I am researching a spotlight story we are producing about kids
and teens talking sex online.
Are there any kids or teens out there who engage in online cybersex
encounters / conversations willing to talk about it?
How did you first encounter an online sex situation?
What was it like? Is it something that's easy to do, and how often do you
do it? Do your parents know? Do they approve? Do they do it themselves?
If you would be willing to appear on "The Home Show", I can arrange voice
and appearance disguise to enable you to be entirely anonymous.
We need someone who can tell us how it really works.
Also interested in speaking with "Stud15", quoted in Sunday
Washington Post article on computer cybersex.
All responses to this request will be kept confidential. Written
guarantee is available by fax or fed-ex on your request.
Interested please contact me as soon as possible. Thank you very much.
Damian Sullivan
The "Home Show"
************************************************************************
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* otherwise you may contact the poster directly at (818) 973-2373. *
* Please DO NOT reply on net news or to this account. Thank you. *
************************************************************************
-- Disclaimer: "I'm the only one foolish enough to claim these opinions." crimson@wpi.edu jprovo@gnu.ai.mit.edu crimson@hotblack.schunix.dmc.com Russell Street UN*X Consultations Rev. Dkr. Nick LaRG0, ASC, BBB finger survey@gene.ummed.edu for my survey on electronic communications!------------------------------
Message-Id: <9301061611.AA00766@cambridge.apple.com> Date: Sun, 05 Dec 93 21:45:55 EST From: "David A. Moon" <moon@cambridge.apple.com> To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: Virginal Morality
Bad. Dog is not the ultimate vile slave.
Dog is the SCARECROW of the LOONEY VERSE. Due to comic intersexual POVERTY INJECTION jaws, he is not BITING the asses of the SCARECROWS when we FLOG HIM in the LOONEY VERSE. The INCIDENTS and CONSEQUENCES you are LIABLE to read in the BIBLE are not necessarily SEWN INTO this DOME-AGED LOONEY VERSE. The LOONEY VERSE is UNCHANTABLE, yet UNFIT for INTESTATE COMMERCE. You may have CONDITIONAL REGAL LIGHTS.
The WHOLE PRESCRIPTION for HEAD ACHES is DAILY PERUSAL of the LOONEY VERSE. Like those outdoor kennels, they are in the street, in the cistern, and in some places chilly, cold, and wet. LOSE YOUR BEANS in your HEAD. Assistant shouters INEBRIATE those who are BITTEN in the KENNEL. INFORMERS may ERUCTATE when cisterns flow. These KENNELS were filled with ROTTWEILERS who bit the AXES of the SCARECROW, yet who did not maul the other hand of the NATURAL PERPETRATOR of the LOONEY VERSE. Only the most GLORIOUS FUTURES are FORBIDDEN.
The crooked GENITALS are MISSHAPEN. This turtle is REGRETTED in SEVERAL WAYS. This is a CONSTRUCTION of the LOVABLE HARD-BITTEN ESCAPE ARTISTS, who PROMISED that the LOONEY VERSE would BUNCH UP DIRECTLY over DEALY PLAZA.
Canine OBNOXIOUS BITINGS are the Handy Rationalization of the LOONEY VERSE. Like most Handy Rationalizations, they LIVE in the sight of the SCARECROW who was PUMPED UP too late with BRAINS.
The SCARECROW is INVITED INTO THY HEARTS but is otherwise GLORIOUSLY MAGNETIZED. No one can LOOK UPON the SCARECROW unless he RETRAIN HIS DOGGY.
Dog is not the ultimate vile slave. Dog meant his WHOLLY FORGOTTEN BONE to be our ultimate vile slave.
I might be as a little Child. LOP ME OFF, Lorena. "Bob" it. Or send me PLENTY DOLORS.
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From: dryfoo@mit.edu Message-Id: <9312062336.AA01244@thelonious.MIT.EDU> To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: WEIRDNUZ.300 Date: Mon, 06 Dec 93 18:36:29 EST
By permission of Mr. Shepherd himself, we now resume this service. More to follow. See restrictions at the bottom and all that.
-- dr foo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: News of the Weird [300] - 5Nov93 To: notw@nine.org (News of the Weird) Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1993 05:00:08 -0500 (EST) Reply-To: notw-request@nine.org From: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
WEIRDNUZ.300 (News of the Weird, November 5, 1993) by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* The Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama, Japan, announced in October that it had manufactured an experimental sausage out of recycled Tokyo sewage by adding soybean protein and steak flavoring to "sewage solids." A company spokesman said, "[S]ewage isn't really such a dangerous and dirty thing." However, he did not foresee commercially marketing the sausage: "Sewage does have a slight image problem. I don't think people will be content eating something they know has been excreted by humans." [Boston Globe-Reuters, 10-7-93]
Inexplicable
* In October, Mohammad Jafari was shot point-blank between the eyes with a .22-caliber pistol during a convenience store holdup in Memphis, Tenn., but the bullet failed to penetrate his skull. Jafari was back at work the next day, with only a nine-stitch wound. Said Jafari, "I have a hard head." [Arlington Journal, Oct93]
* The Washington Post reported in August that there are 3,000 pet therapists in the U. S., including 50 fully certified as animal behaviorists, and that they charge fees ranging from $150 to $400 for three-hour sessions. Said one pet therapist, "There's a reason for everything [animals] do." Said a skeptical veterinarian, "The pets aren't crazy. The humans are crazy." [Washington Post, 8-15-93]
* After he crashed his stolen car in September, Mark David Warner, 29, hopped on a 13-ton front-end loader at a construction site and led eight police cars in a 40-minute, 15 mph "chase" down a highway near Orlando (Fla.) International Airport. Warner, just five days out of prison at the time, was charged with attempted murder for ramming one occupied police car. Said a security guard on the scene, "No one in his right mind would do those kinds of things." [Orlando Sentinel, 9- 30-93]
* In August, delegates to the national convention of the Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith in Charleston, W. Va., celebrated by wearing stylish hats, as socialites do at events such as the Kentucky Derby. Said one delegate, "We glorify God when we wear hats." Many delegates brought hat wardrobes with them, and fourteen hat vendors set up booths at the convention. [Morgantown Dominion Post-AP, 8-12-93]
* Although no law forces them to open on Sundays, the 285 members of the Arkansas Automobile Dealers Association voted 285-0 in March to recommend that the legislature require them to be closed on Sundays. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette, Mar93]
* In March, the Department of Health and Human Services announced a crackdown on universities that had billed HHS in the past for expenses that were not related to any research grants they had received from the agency. HHS revealed at the biggest offender was the University of Wisconsin at Madison, whose chief executive officer for the previous several years was Donna Shalala, now Secretary of HHS. [U. S. News & World Report, 4-19-93]
* In June, Stuart Bowyer, a University of California astronomer in charge of a year-old project that has monitored 30 trillion radio signals from outer space, said that so far, 164 of those signals are "unexplained." However, he said it was "very unlikely" that any of them came from extra-terrestrials. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 6-9-93]
* Earlier this year, at least 2,000 cases of teenage girls fainting were reported around Cairo, Egypt. Authorities checked the environment repeatedly for such hazards as chemical warfare agents, radon gas, and allergens in school building material, but most health authorities now believe the girls fainted after having delusions. [Columbus Dispatch-Deutsche Presse Agentur, 4-9-93]
* In September, Army Corps of Engineers employee Thomas Iracki, 36, leaped to his death in downtown San Francisco, after telling several colleagues that he had become despondent about the Clinton Administration's "reinventing government" budget cuts to his agency. [San Francisco Chronicle, Sept93]
* Matthew Noble Palmer, 48, pleaded no contest to 24 burglary counts in Alamogordo, N. Mex., in July, ending a rash of break-ins of isolated mountain homes. Several of Palmer's victims reported that guns had been taken from their homes, thoroughly cleaned, and returned during later break-ins. [Albuquerque Journal- AP, 7-24-93]
The Weirdo-American Community
* High school soccer coach Jesus Valencia Gomez, 45, was arrested in Whittier, Calif., in September and charged with practicing medicine without a license. According to sheriff's deputies, Gomez told a 24-year- old woman she had cancerous tumors on her neck and head and would need surgery. Allegedly, Gomez anesthetized her, shaved her head, and bandaged her in a motel room, and the woman notified authorities only several days later, when she discovered that she had no scar under the bandages. In Gomez's apartment were medical and dental supplies and two types of business cards, one identifying Gomez as a doctor and the other as a dentist. [Los Angeles Times, 9-18-93]
Least Competent People
* A lawsuit was filed in June in Morristown, Tenn., against Dr. Crampton Helms and the Morristown-Hamblen Hospital, for negligence. Last year, three months after an operation on an elderly woman, a nurse treating her identified a "foreign object" protruding from the woman's surgical scar, which had been irritating her ever since the operation. According to the lawsuit, the object was the tip of Helms's surgical glove, which was still inside the patient and which hospital staff had not noticed in three follow-up hospitalizations. [Knoxville News-Sentinel, 6-5-93]
I Don't Think So
* Terry Allen, 34, was convicted of attempted burglary in San Antonio, Tex., in October, after having been caught red-handed by police as he was removing burglar bars from the window of a beauty salon. He told the judge he was guilty of simple theft but not of the more serious crime of attempted burglary because he was not trying to break into the beauty salon; he was merely trying to steal the burglar bars to take home to put on his own windows to protect himself from burglars. [San Antonio Express-News, 10-5-93]
Copyright 1993, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved. Released for the personal use of readers. No commercial use may be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.
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End of Subgenius Digest ******************************
