Today's Topics:
Merry Something
strange barney sightings
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Date: Tue, 21 Dec 93 09:21:56 EST
From: Wes Morgan <morgan@engr.uky.edu>
Message-Id: <9312211421.AA20731@s.ecc.engr.uky.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Merry Something
>From: redwards@microsoft.com
>
>Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
>low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday,
>practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious
>persuasion of your choice, and with respect for the religious
>persuasions of others or their choice not to practice a religion at
>all;
You've done it! You've proven my theory of the political correctness
movement!
Think about it...what is the one way we can achieve the goals of this
initial statement? You got it, pal; the only way to do this is to
lock oneself in one's bathroom. *Anything* else is guaranteed to
offend *SOMEONE*, so just STAY ON THE CAN! Take your solace in the
gurgle of that leaky toilet seal; hear the music of "Bob's" seraphim
in the splat of dripping water on your scum-encrusted tub. There's
nothing else do there but expel all the Con's technoboredom and dis-
cover the bulldada of your soul, so get with it! The Xists are going
to waste *everyone* with a Mickey Mouse Christmas Tree Ornament! *I'm*
not going to be caught in the wave of death that will cleanse this
world of its pathetic Barney-clutching, bourbon-sucking Yuppie scum;
I'll be in my bathroom with "Bob"! You won't find *my* house decorated
with those lights that blink a coded "ConDupes 'R Us" message into space!
By golly, I'll spend this holiday season massaging my footgland, if I
get the rancid odor of holiday pap out of my Third Nostril. You people
had better get on the stick and get in the outhouse, if you wanna see
"Bob" this New Year!
>a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
>uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year
>1994, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
>cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America
>great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual
>preferences of the wishes.
Absolutely! What else can come from such diligent Excremeditation,
you fools? Of *course* we're going to be fiscally successful! We're
going to be personally fulfilled, too; I'll feel quite fulfilled as
I dupe another year's quota of Conspiracy drones! "Bob" is gonna make
*me* his Pipe in 1994, and any Bobbies or ConSpies reading this might
as well just smite themselves now and save me the trouble. Better yet,
just go ahead and make out that check; it might (that's *might*) be
large enough to spare your miserable existence for another year. "Bob"
is going into high gear in 1994, and you don't want to be caught in
the teeth, brother! Get off your butt, get into the water closet and
DO IT FOR "BOB" BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
or kill me.
--Wes
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Date: Tue, 21 Dec 93 15:10 CST
From: Mary Ann Hong <$M$MA12%LUCCPUA.BITNET@mitvma.mit.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: strange barney sightings
Message-ID: <9312211611.aa01807@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Thanks for the twisted Barney...I'll have to get a copy to Valerie. I
know his voice gets on her nerves. Of course, Nicholas loves him.
BTW, I sent messages to get on the General Technics and Weird News
mailing lists as per your instructions. Does it take awhile to take
effect? How do I know if I was successful?
Have a Happy New Year, Jim. I'm combining some holiday & vacation time
so I won't be back at work til January 3rd.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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