Today's Topics:
Fun With Your New Head
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Date: Thu, 30 Dec 93 04:49:43 EST
From: Ted Thibodeau Jr <thud@bronze.lcs.mit.edu>
Message-Id: <9312300949.AA28508@bronze.lcs.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Fun With Your New Head
Heads are so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you
in the new, improved HEAD. Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD, from young
to old. Taste, see, smell, and "pain" with a HEAD. Experience every
emotion known to the HEAD. And if you already have a HEAD, remember
what the HEADS say: "Two HEADS are better than one!"
Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD. Every minute is different from the
next minute in incredible thought-chaos of a HEAD. And every single
HEAD is different!
HEADS are so funny. Listen to the limbless talking HEAD talk about
"Freedom," "Death," "Beauty," and "God-Father." Make the HEAD fall
in "Love" with you. Any HEAD can be made to "Love," if training
manual instructions are carefully observed. Watch the worn-out HEAD
die, talking, talking, talking till the moment it decays. Indeed, it is
not an exaggeration to say HEADS are so funny.
Taste, see, smell, and "pain" with a HEAD. Every HEAD purchaser receives
absolutely free a "Life-time" supply of "Food." Put "Food" in the HEAD's
*Mouth*, then insert consensual Apparat into *Left Collarbone*. You will
taste every molecule of the *Mouth's* "Food." Only those who have "eaten"
with a *Mouth* can understand the incredible sensations of "Food."
*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for *Right Eye* and
*Left Eye*. See the strange little world of the *Right Eye*, looking
at *you*! See through the *Left Eye* too! Then see through both the
*Right Eye* and the *Left Eye* together. Every Exo-Export HEAD has *two*
eyes. Don't accept less!
*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for *Nose*. Now, with
the new, improved HEAD you can experience the disconcerting primeval world
of "Sex," as the center of the new HEAD's sex-tropic response is removed
from obsolete and unsightly sacral area and redirected to the graceful
*Nose*. Just one more reason why two HEADS are better than one!
*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source for "pain"-sensitive
*Chin*. Throughout the galaxies there are creatures, often the most
insignificant, that can experience the famous "Negative Pleasure," and
now with a HEAD you can too! The new, improved HEAD is thirty percent
more sensitive to "pain," thanks to refinements in the *Chin*.
*Left Collarbone* is likewise Input/Output source and control center for
*Adam's Apple*. Nothing is easier than to take over your HEAD's talking-
function. Amuse your friends by talking through your own HEAD! What
could be funnier than to talk to another HEAD that thinks *you* are just
a HEAD too?
Everyone enjoys a talking HEAD, from young to old. Even more fun than
talking-function of the HEAD is thought-function. Insert compassional
Apparat into *Right Collarbone*, and experience every emotion known to
the HEAD. *You* will feel the HEAD's amazing "Love." *You* will be
paralyzed with the HEAD's consuming "Fear" of pain and of its own
inescapable death. *You* will hate your own self -- perhaps the most
exciting sensation of all.
HEADS are educational. Everyone should have his own HEAD to grow up with.
HEADS provide an easy and stimulating introduction to basic concepts of
xeno-language and xeno-culture. Each HEAD is given a thorough grounding
in the astonishing cultural traditions of its autochthonous planet. A
third of a lifetime is devoted to the education of every Exo-Export HEAD.
HEADS are perfectly safe for the young. THe sharp, skeletal teeth are
extracted from each HEAD's *Mouth* at the time of assembly and refitted
with harmless, hydraulic pseudo-teeth.
Many designers consider HEADS to be an attractive addition to the decor
of one's environment, especially in arrangements with contrasting xeno-
flora and xeno-fauna. For the fashion-conscious HEADS are available now
in a range of natural tincts from brown through pink. When treated with
new, special-formula Fungi-X, HEADS can also be cultivated in more
agreeable colors, though fungifying processes will abbreviate markedly
the lifetime of the HEADS so treated.
Everyone should have his own HEAD, and now everyone can! Thanks to the
diminished *Chest* volume of the new, improved HEAD, the result of recent
advances in biominiaturization, HEADS are cheaper than every before. THey
eat less and take up less apce too! So why don't you buy your new HEAD today?
Any HEAD you buy from Exo-Export is guaranteed to be the native handicraft
of its autochthonous planet, where bioengineering has long been practiced
by the wild-four-limbed progrnitors and manufacturers of the HEADS.
There are a thousand laughs in store for you in the new, improved HEAD.
Why don't you buy your new HEAD today? Why don't you buy your new HEAD
today? Why don't you buy your new HEAD today?
Only 49.95 from Exo-Export Monopolies.
Copyright 1968 by Thomas M. Disch
An earlier version of this story, entitled "Cephalotron," originally
appeared in *Playboy Magazine*, copyright 1966 by HMH Publishing Co., Inc.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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