Today's Topics:
Just keep the hair outta yer teeth!
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Message-Id: <9405181344.AA20405manitoba.marcam.com>
Date: Wed, 18 May 1994 09:40:47 EDT
Reply-To: trevay@marcam.com
From: "Swami-ji B. Jeebees (\"x\"" <@manitoba.marcam.com:trevay@marcam.com>
To: Subgenius Slackmailer <subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Cc: trevay@marcam.com
Subject: Just keep the hair outta yer teeth!
Oy-yee Who Hath Paid Yer Twenny, and Ye Who Lurk For Free --
Although the medical authorities told me it was NOT SO, I felt the presence
of a TAPEWORM in my gorged guts the other evening. And, therefore, I began
administering LARGE, SLACK-FUL DOSES of Hennessey VSOP, in order to DRIVE
the intruder FROM MY BEING. Or something.
Late, that evening, I fell into DEEP DT's, and as I rested, I smelt a puff
of pipe smoke, and I heard THESE WORDS:
Some people can jump into a pile of GUANO and come out with GOLD;
The SUBGENIUS can stumble into SHIT, and come out with SLACK!
And, HELL YES!, BOY, if you got SLACK, then you can SHIT GOLD!
That's why, if the CON mAKeS you DIVE INTO DO-DOO, they're stealing
your SLACK! But if you do it because you WANT to, IF you ReAlLy WANT to,
then you're taking it back!
And you'll PAY to know what you REALLY want!
Immediately, I woke up screaming, "SNAKES! SNAKES! GET'EM OFF ME!" at my
teddy bear, Snuffy (who is, in fact, ordained in the Church of the
SubGenius, via Stang's SubGenius Clench-for-Pay. Oh yes, he is!).
Unlike most mornings after partaking of the CREATURE, Snuffy didn't answer
back. Devoid of guidance, I screamed, "What the fuck is -THIS- all
about?", quite meditatively. I was PEE-DOG per-plexed!
Until I read the words of Our Brothel, $t. @ndrew, when he done writ:
I hate to hate to disagree, but I have to come to the protection of
Spam... Yes, I have partaken of Spam, and I have eaten the entire tin
therein... It's part of a local Phredistic Cabal Ritual that also
involves eating sardines (Ye Ol' StankyFish)... and I say that I do
eat of the flesh of the beast that is known as Spam monthly... I can't
say whether or not it tastes like horse dong or no, as I have never et
horse dong... (perhaps you would enlighten us to it's apparently
exquisite flavor? (grin))
I should ENLIGHTEN the Venerable @ndy-"Bob" with the facts that 1) if he
has eaten sliced DELI LOAVES from the "SAFE"WAY or "FOOD" LION near him,
then he should DAMN WELL KNOW what is the texture and taste of bovine and
equine GENITALIA, and b) my war-hero UNCLES only called it HORSE COCK
because THAT -IS- THE COLOR OF SPAM, not because it -TASTES- like it! But
these are minor points, found along the $t.'s SLACK St., the WAY that he has
shown me, via my VSOP-induced VISION of several nights ago.
The TRUTH is, if you doth ET tins of SPAM, because you DESIRE to do so, and
in doing so, you breathe the words, "FUCK 'EM, if they can't take a joke!",
inhaling deep through your third NOSTRIL, then you are FILLED TO THE RIM
with SLACK! A RIM JOB of SLACK, as it were.
But if you are in a FOXHOLE, wet and 'ZAUSTED, and ALL THAT THE CON HAS
GIVEN YOU is a tin of putrid pink meat that looks like the ORGAN on the
DONKEY that's PULLIN' THE GRUB WAGON -- well, HELL, BOY, that ain't SLACK!
HELL, that's HELL!
I, myself, eat the flesh of the twelve-legged TOFU, from The Bridge Tofu
Co. in Middletown, Connecticut, not six miles from the BUTT-HOLE town I GREW
UP in and LEFT when I was a wee SNAPPER! I coat the stuff with Colonel
"Bob's" Texas Smoke-House BAR-BEE-KEW Sauce, and grilliddup onna ol' Weber
Smokey Joe! Says my CARNEVORE in-laws, 'That shit is VILE!', as they run
screaming from my porch into traffic. Well, sez I, "FUCK 'EM! I LIKE IT!".
Is this not what $t. @ndrew hath taught? IS THIS NOT WHAT MY VISION HATH
SHOWN ME? -If you LIKE eating SPAM, then eat it! EAT IT RAW!- Because,
that's our spirit -- rah, rah, raw!
But, dear, dear BELOVED SUBS, don't let the CON -make- you EAT IT! And for
FOLK'S sake, don't make *****ME***** eat it! I'd rather POLLUTE my
precious bodily fluids with ishkabech and beer, than HORSE COCK in a TIN!
Which reminds me -- what is BROTHER SWAGGART up to, these days?
("x") The Venerable Maha Swami-ji B. Jeebees (His mark)
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9065. "PRAY WITH REV. EWING" NIGHT LIGHTS. In the last few
catalogs, we've been asking who Rev. Ewing is. Now we know, and
we almost wish we didn't. However, the nightlight is still very,
very good. Limited stock! 4/$3.00.
-- from the Archie McPhee catalog
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End of Subgenius Digest
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