Today's Topics:
Help needed with problem: Too much slack
My Spam Jake Day Entry
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Date: Thu, 19 May 94 10:36 EDT
From: "John A. Johnson 814 375-4774" <J5J@psuvm.psu.edu>
Subject: Help needed with problem: Too much slack
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Message-ID: <9405191037.aa22335@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
I've been having a problem with my lawnmower for several years now--the
pull-start cord doesn't rewind all the way into the mower. This results
in too much slack in the cord, and this spring I haven't been able to
start the mower at all. Yesterday I tried, unsuccessfully, to fix the
problem, and I started thinking, "I need to discuss this with people who
are experts on slack." So, could anyone help me out?
-- J-squared
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From: Bill Marrs <bill@atria.com>
Message-Id: <9405191746.AA09236@wayforward>
Subject: My Spam Jake Day Entry
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu,
they-tried-to-kill-me-with-a-forklift@gene.ummed.edu
Date: Thu, 19 May 94 13:46:43 EDT
Reply-To: bill@atria.com
Hormel Foods
Corporate Offices
1 Hormel Drive
Austin, MN 55912
To whom it may concern,
To start off, let me introduce my society and myself to you. I am Jack
Flanders, High-Epoch of the S.M.I.T.E Society. S.M.I.T.E (Space Migration
for Indoctrination of Terrestrial Extras) was formed shortly after former
president Reagan made his now famous statement regarding the use of the
so-called "Star Wars" defense system as a defense against
extra-terrestrials.
Our society hopes to prevent our nation, and all other nations from ever
using weapons against UFOs, aliens, or any other non-human life-forms. We
feel that this would be a terrible mistake, one that our race would regret
for millennia to come. Our society faces a monumental task. As High-Epoch,
I carry a great burden on my shoulders.
By now you are probably asking yourself, "Why tell me all this?". Well, it
involves our project --- Operation: Culture Blend. It is our largest
undertaking since S.M.I.T.E.'s formation. The plan is to identify aspects
of human culture which are non-hostile, free of controversy, and above all
good. Once we have done this, we plan to introduce these aspects to our
alien friends.
The primary icon that we felt fits this mold is, of course, Spam. (This is
where Hormel comes in.) I am writing in order to declare my society's
intentions of forming the first "Church of Spam".
I know it probably sounds funny at first, but we feel that by creating the
Church of Spam we will be able to bring the Word (and Taste) of Spam to our
alien friends. We feel that this will most certainly be interpreted as a
sign of good will and friendship. Also, we feel quite certain that they
will enjoy Spam.
So, now you're asking "What's in this for Hormel?". Well, the rewards are
obvious. Once the Aliens get there little blue tongues on your product,
they'll want more. Talk about "untapped markets", this could be a
bonanza! Hormel could be the first company with truly galactic
distribution.
We hope you will give us your blessing in our "Church of Spam" endeavour.
Sincerely,
Jack Flanders
High-Epoch, S.M.I.T.E Society
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End of Subgenius Digest
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