Today's Topics:
serious SLACK
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Message-Id: <9406211522.AA02389@thelonious.MIT.EDU>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: serious SLACK
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 1994 11:22:40 EDT
From: "Gary L. Dryfoos" <dryfoo@mit.edu>
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[lots of FORWARDS deleted]
I found these in the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington
Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come up with
excuses to miss a day of work.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to
exit the loop olny by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the
snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired my for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet. . .
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our
sick son.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come
in?
I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have
seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
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End of Subgenius Digest
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