Today's Topics:
gratitude for Administratium
Mouse Balls for Dr. Foo!
The Legend of Craig Shergold
Too much slack!?
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Message-Id: <9409081814.AA00384@xfrsparc.tic.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: gratitude for Administratium
Date: Thu, 08 Sep 94 13:14:36 -0500
From: Eric McKinney <ericm@tic.com>
In message <dig-Subgenius-5.161@mc.lcs.mit.edu> you write:
>On behalf of EVERYONE who has read this piece of email-clip-art at least
>a half dozen times in the last decade, I would like to thank the Rev.
>Even Tinier Tim for his precious and unique contribution.
>
>Perhaps someone could now post the famous "IBM Mouse Balls Memo" or
>the "Student Bloopers History Essay Compiled by an Actual Teacher"?
Dear Friend,
Five years ago, I was deep in debt. My car had been repossessed
and creditors were beating at my door. But then I hit upon an amazing plan
that would change my life forever -- multi-level stale humor post
marketing. The premise is easy. Just send one copy of the Chuckletrousers
post or an appeal for get-well cards for Craig Shergold to each of the five
addresses below. Then, remove the top name from the list, and add your
name to the bottom. Soon, you will have more repetitive non-humor than you
ever dreamed of.
Dave Rhodes
-- Eric McKinney <ericm@tic.com>------------------------------
Message-Id: <00416.2861866261.57298@instance.com> Organization: Digitalk Inc., Portland, Oregon To: Sub-Genius <subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu> From: Tim O'Connor <toc@digitalk.com> Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 10:29:30 PST Subject: Mouse Balls for Dr. Foo!
REGARDING Mouse Balls for Dr. Foo! people:
Gosh! I don't why Dr. Foo (nice name! highly original!) would want to see this old thing again but here it is. Next time you want to read it, foo-boy, just net your way to gopher://prism.nmt.edu:70/0R0-2102-/humor/m/mouse.balls.ibm and there it is!
I couldn't find the teacher thingy (I really didn't want to spend too much time to please you, sorry `bout that!) but I'm sure it's out there. I could send you "Bob"s fax number or some really cool light bulb jokes if you like?
just me, to'c ----------------------------- ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H031944 Device: D/T8550 Model: M Hit count: UHC00000 Success count: USC00000 Publication code: PC50 Tip key: 025 Date created: O89/02/14 Date last altered: A89/02/15 Owning B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit)
TEXT: MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY,IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT.BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.
BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE.DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE,HOWEVER,EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.
IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.
P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS
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[This came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...]
-- "A typical long haired half mad computer programmer on a typical computer keyboard with odd toys scattered liberally about."------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Sep 94 10:38:50 CDT From: Steve Guccione <guccione@mcc.com> Message-Id: <9409081538.AA12240@naima.mcc.com> To: SubGenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: The Legend of Craig Shergold Cc: glasserj@sun.mcs.clarkson.edu
In the afternoon, Craig Shergold, dying of cancer, opened his one millionth envelope containg frayed knots. He was going to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. Exhausted, he retired to his workshop for a few minutes of leisurely masturbation against his favorite belt sander (Black and Decker industrial floor model DL-2031). Being tired, he slipped and lost his left testicle in the ensuing accident. Thinking quickly, he opened up the bottom of his mouse, removed the ball, cleaned it, and stapled it inside of his half-empty (or half-full -- depending on if you're and optimist or a pessimist) scrotum. Later that evening, he went to dinner at a "posh" restaurant with his pet Chiuhauha (which was actually a rat). Due to a misunderstanding in the kitchen, the dog (rat) was actually cooked, rather than fed. When Craig was served his cooked pet, he died immediately from a heart attack. A dyslexic hitch-hiker in the restaurant, recognized him and said "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell". The hitch-hiker vanished mysteriously.
-- Steve -- 9/8/94
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From: dryfoo@mit.edu Message-Id: <9409082018.AA18914@thelonious.MIT.EDU> To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: Too much slack!? Date: Thu, 08 Sep 1994 16:18:18 EDT
If not, then what?
-- dr foo
[forwards removed]
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Date: Thu, 8 Sep 94 00:24:07 EDT From: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com> To: silent-tristero@world.std.com
Date: Wed, 24 Aug 1994 12:28:10 -0400 Subject: Style, not content... I have a great idea for something to waste space in this newsgroup. We could try writing some messages that are naturally right-justified. Also, if we do something as silly as that, we could also try posts that are self-referential like this one. You might think that writing self-referential right-justified posts would be difficult, but I am writing this one with very little effort. The trick is to just make sure that you keep an eye on how many spaces remain at the end of each line as you approach it. If you think your current line of thought will go past the end, then try to rephrase the sentence to make sure that it ends at the exact point you want it to. It really isn't very difficult. Soon you will start a habit of making all of your documents perfectly fit within a given margin. One problem is that you may be unable to rephrase the sentence so that it stays within the right margin. If that happens, you must remove the sentence and come up with another one to put in its place. After all, the format is usually more important than the content of a message. This is obviously true with this message, because it has almost no content, but the style is so amazing that it forces you to read through this message ignoring the fact that it says next to nothing. Now, I will do something different. I will start to shrink the right margin by one so that it starts to head back towards the beginning of the line. See, there is so much that you can do with the style of a post without worrying about the content. I actually have no more ideas to put in this stupid post, but I must keep typing until I finally get to the left side of the screen and end with one letter. I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to get the hang of not paying attention to content and concentrating on the shape of the text. My words seem to just flow out into this beautiful empty article. I try to make sure that I do not make typos or errors with grammar because they might make it look like I am cheating. Well, it is getting close to the left side. Less than forty more lines to go and I will be done with this message. This is starting to get very boring, but it is still not very tough to do. I think that it might get more difficult once I am closer to the end. Well, I guess I will find out in a short time, since the end is approaching. It does seem to be getting more difficult, requiring a more complete look at the line. I seem to be using words that are smaller. This might not be easy now. It is much more common for me to delete a sentence. It is almost at the end. I can see it is almost the end. Dumb is what I think this end is !
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End of Subgenius Digest ******************************
