Today's Topics:
Interview with Jesse
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Message-Id: <sed35900.017@wpgate.hqpacaf.af.mil>
Date: Wed, 23 Nov 1994 14:59:44 -1000
From: WOODFORP@wpgate.hqpacaf.af.mil
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Interview with Jesse
Hey, is this group still alive? Here's an offering:
Interview with Jesse Helms
by Paul Woodford
(For those of you who have not been following the news lately, Sen.
Jesse Helms, R-NC, recently offered some candid and unconciliatory
assessments of President Clinton's performance and popularity. This
inspired me to compose an imaginary interview with the future Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee)
So tell me, Senator, what do you really think of President Clinton?
I, uh, think he's a homosexual knob-gobblin' pinko son-of-a-bitch and his
wife's Satan incarnate, and if they ever set foot in the fine State of North
Carolina they'll be publicly disemboweled by enraged unemployed white
Christian males, to say nuthin' of what the Klan'd like to do to 'em. Hear,
have a cigarette. They're good for ya.
As the soon-to-be chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee,
what are your views on the situation in Bosnia?
Them are some fine, God-fearin' folks over there, and I'd like to relax the
immigration laws in their favor. We could sure use their brand of hustle
in the tobacco industry. Course, I'm talkin' about the Serbs here. We
don't need any more of them Muslims than we done already got.
And what about the Cubans and Haitians on Guantanamo?
Goddamn bunch a nigras. That Hitler fella had it right. Gas 'em all. Next
thing you know Billary'll let 'em into the country and they'll be rapin' our
wives and daughters.
I see. What do you think about providing U.S. military personnel to help
police the Golan Heights in Israel?
I tell ya, it's the camel's nose under the tent. Your international Jew
never stops schemin' and plottin'. He won't be happy until each and
every Christian boy loses the end of his tallywhacker. It's all in this book
right here, "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion." Oughta be required
readin' in every school in the country, like it is in the fine State of North
Carolina.
I hesitate to ask you your views on the current state of affairs on the
Korean Peninsula.
Oh, that's a fine market for American tobacco products. Wonderful thing
about your Orientals, they ALL smoke! I see a few million new
customers over there, and a blessing for the fine State of North Carolina.
Yessir. Hear, have another cigarette. You didn't hardly smoke that other
one.
A little off the subject of foreign relations now, but what are your
thoughts on the readiness of U.S. combat forces?
Well, about twenty years ago they took them little packs a cigarettes out
of their C-rations, and they've been goin' straight to hell ever since. I
mean to fix that soon as Bob Dole gets hisself elected president.
Speaking of the recent Republican off-year electoral victory, if President
Clinton is defeated in '96, who would you like to see installed as
Secretary of State?
Well (chuckle), I surely do like that Hitler fella, but if we can't get him to
leave Argentina, we'll have to settle for Ollie.
If the Republicans do take the White House in '96, do you see women
continuing to hold positions of power in the administration?
WATCH OUT, GEORGE, IT'S AN AIR RAID! DUCK!! Uh, where were we?
Women?
That Leona Helmsley's a babe, don't ya think? Wouldn't mind gettin' me
some a that! Cigarette?
Finally, and I know this is a pet project of yours, what are your plans for
the National Endowment for the Arts?
The whoozis? Oh, them bunch a pre-verts! Well, sir, I do believe we
oughta buy ourselves an island out in the middle of the ocean and put all
them people out there. An a whole bunch a other people too. Here, don't
just take one, take the whole pack. I get 'em wholesale.
Thank you, senator.
I think I wet myself. Would you call the nurse?
Happy Thanksgiving,
Paul Woodford
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End of Subgenius Digest
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