Today's Topics:
autosurgery and autosacrifice
I FOUND JESUS! [rec.humor.funny #5273]
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Message-Id: <9412212213.AA12223@conniver.media.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: autosurgery and autosacrifice
Date: Wed, 21 Dec 94 17:13:57 -0500
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
don't feel like donating that foreskin to Jehovah? Here's an
alternative.
------- Forwarded Message
This MAY have been written by:
Greg Bernath gbernath@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu
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I once chopped pieces of foreskin off my penis with
a pair of cuticle scissors.
Now that I've got your attention, I'll go back and
tell the whole story. Apologies if it gets a little lengthy,
but this yarn deserves to be spun well.
BACKGROUND
After I was circumcised as an infant, the wound was
not taken care of with sufficient diligence, and it healed
incorrectly. Portions of the raw edge of the remaining
foreskin bonded to the glans, a little bit above the lower
edge of the glans. This left a series of "skin bridges",
basically sections of foreskin which can't be retracted,
because they are fused to the glans at one end and the shaft
at the other. These varied in width from about 1/16" to
1/4", and were attached off and on over about 2/3 of the
circumference.
This was never a major problem. It was a long
time before I even realized it was abnormal. Everything
functioned properly, but there were a few minor problems
with it which made me wish I could fix it. Mainly,
1. It was a cosmetic defect -- it didn't look good.
2. It was tough to keep clean under the bridges -- I had to
swab it with a Q-tip now and then to knock down smegma
buildup.
3. Some of the most sensitive parts of the glans were
hidden under relatively insensitive chunks of foreskin,
robbing me of the proper stimulation which was mine and
every man's birthright.
Over the past few years, I'd been thinking of getting
it corrected, but there were problems. Doctors cost
money, and I didn't have it, and student insurance sure
wasn't gonna cover it. Plus, the thought of some strange
doctor chopping at my peepeehead gives me chills.
Now, all a doctor would do it sterilize it, numb it,
cut it and bandage it. "Hell, maybe I can do that!", I
thought. The problem was how to kill the pain. I
experimented with cutting myself (with an x-acto knife),
but seeing as it always hurt like hell before I even cut
anything, I never went through with it.
Recently, I came back and studied the situation.
Again, the problem with the self-surgery approach was
dealing with pain. There had to be some way of numbing
the area, but how? One winter day, it hit me. If cold can
make fingers go numb, then cold can also make a
ManTool[tm] go numb. With this in mind, I pioneered a
the "home penile self-surgery procedure".
SURGERY KIT
Cuticle scissors (1 pair)
Rubbing alcohol (1 bottle)
Antibiotic ointment (1 tube)
Anti-bacterial soap (1 bottle)
Gauze pads (lots, various sizes)
Ice cubes (iodine added to water for sterility)
Clean Washcloth (freshly laundered with lots'o bleach)
Well-lit work area (the kitchen table)
PROCEDURE
Wipe down work area with alcohol. Clean penis with soap
and water, then with alcohol. Wash hands thoroughly.
Soak scissors in alcohol.
Holding the ice cube with the washcloth (to prevent your
fingers from going numb), apply the ice cube to the target
area. Hold for 5 to 10 minutes, until area is numb.
Using the cuticle scissors, sever the skin bridge as closely
as possible to its connection with the glans. Then sever the
foreskin end of the bridge in such a location as to leave an even
edge on the foreskin.
Use gauze pads and direct pressure to stop the bleeding, then
apply antibiotic ointment and bandage.
THE OPERATIONS
Though the operations are not painful if done
correctly, the healing process is a real pain in the ass. It
also takes a certain state of mind to be able to cut your
own flesh. I would kind of put myself into robo-man
zombie mode for the operations, in that I never dwelled on
what I was doing, I just mechanically plodded through all
the steps without thinking about how totally gross it was.
Since the ice cube could only numb a small portion
of the penis, and since I could only tolerate so much
trauma to my dick in one session, it took 6 separate
operations, spread out over a two week period, to
cut/remove all of the skin bridges.
Operation #1 (Day 1)
The test cut. I chose a small thin skin bridge, about
1/16" across. I held the ice cube on for 5 minutes. The
ice caused a peculiar kind of "cold ache", but it wasn't that
bad. I gingerly made the cuts, and sliced through with no
pain at all. There was some minor bleeding, but because
of the speed at which I worked, I had finished and had the
gauze on it before the wound had any chance to bleed
significantly. After about 10 minutes the bleeding was
stopped and I bandaged it up, no problem at all. Only a
tiny little speck of flesh had been removed, rather
unimpressive looking.
Operation #2 (Day 3)
Operation #1 turned out so well, I decided to go for
big game this time. The target was the mother of all skin
bridges, about 1/4" across and very thick and meaty.
Again, I made the preparations and applied ice for 5
minutes.
I made the first cut along the glans, and was
surprised at how much I had to bear down on the scissors.
This skin was surprisingly tough. I finished that cut, and
then turned my attention to the cut on the foreskin side.
Wanting to get it done quickly, I decided that two large,
powerful snips should do the job. I bore down and made
the first cut, and realized with a shock that IT HURT LIKE
HELL.
Well, it turns out that due to the thickness of the
skin bridge on that end, the cold hadn't penetrated deeply
enough, and it hadn't gone numb. So, I was left with a
problem. I had a half severed bit of foreskin hanging off
me, and no anesthetic. My only recourse was to finish the
cut. I thought, "Shit. This will hurt.". So I lined up the
scissors, closed my eyes, and as quickly and powerfully as
I could, I made the snip. My prediction was correct; it did
hurt (don't you hate when you're right about things like
that?). I managed to avoid shouting out, instead opting for
a few simple gasps and whimpers.
I resolved to hold the ice on for much longer in
future operations.
Being that this was a bigger cut than the first, it
bled much more profusely. It took about 20 minutes of
direct pressure and a lot of gauze until I could staunch the
main flow. Even then it kept oozing blood for a few
hours. I spent the rest of the evening with nothing on
below the waist, sitting in front of the TV with a few
brews (this became standard procedure for all forthcoming
operations). Any motion tended to make it break open and
bleed again, so I moved around very little. I was
functioning (that is, walking) almost normally again by the
next day, but it took about 5 days before this one
completely stopped oozing blood.
As I gingerly hobbled back into the kitchen for
another brew, I spotted IT, the severed hunk-o-foreskin that
I had left on the table. It was of fairly good size, about
1/2" by 1/4" and maybe as thick as a piece of bacon.
Suddenly, strange thoughts entered my skull, and a raging
mental battle between good and evil ensued.
EVIL: "Eat the foreskin."
GOOD: "Don't do it!! That's gross!!"
EVIL: "Eat the foreskin."
GOOD: "Stop thinking about it!!"
EVIL: "You know what you must do. Eat it. It is your
destiny."
GOOD: "But that's cannibalism!"
EVIL: "So what?"
GOOD: "Cannibalism is shunned for a reason! It spreads
diseases!"
EVIL: "Look dipshit. It's your own fucking flesh. Any
diseases in there, you already got."
GOOD: "But it's SELF-cannibalism!"
EVIL: "So is chewing on the piece of skin you bit off your
fingertip. BFD."
GOOD: "But this is weird, deranged and perverted!"
EVIL: "Exactly"
GOOD: (Hauls its sorry whupped ass away and shuts up)
So, I ate it. Turns out it was very tough and
chewy, kind of like biting a little piece of rubber. I
chewed for about 5 minutes, but didn't make any progress
on breaking it down, so I swallowed it. It had a little bit
of blood flavor at first, but after that it had no flavor at all;
rather disappointing in that respect. Maybe I should have
cooked it.
Operation #3 (Day 10)
A medium sized cut. I held the ice cube on much
longer (10 minutes instead of 5), so there was no problem
with pain. Not nearly as much bleeding, but still a
respectable amount.
A word about erections: they were a bad thing.
Any hard-on would tear the wounds open and start them
bleeding again. This would be a problem for about 3 or 4
days until the wounds had healed sufficiently. Basically,
I had to spend a long, long time without even thinking a
nasty thought. Of course, when I was asleep I had no
control over the process, which would always result in me
waking up with a dick that hurt and bloody bandages. I
was really lovin' life at moments like these.
Operation #4 (Day 12)
Another medium sized cut, but with the added
bonus of having a small vein (about 1 mm in diameter)
running through the skin bridge. Now, the blood supply
for the penis mainly runs through blood vessels buried deep
inside. When you get down the the small vessels, the
circulatory system becomes more of a spiderweb, with
redundant paths going to every point. So I knew it wasn't
actually dangerous to cut it, but it was still a kind of
psychological obstacle. I expected this one to be a heavy
bleeder, and I wasn't disappointed. It took about a full
hour of direct pressure to get the severed ends of the vein
to close up. Otherwise, not too much of a problem.
Operation #5 (Day 14)
I was planning on more time to let the others heal,
but due to changes in the way skin tension was being
applied to the remaining bridges (because I'd cut some
others away), one small bridge was getting a lot of stress
and starting to hurt. So I chopped it quick and easy, no
real problems.
Operation #6 (Day 15)
The problem with operation #5 was that it just
transferred the stress to the next bridge down the line. So
even though I had about 3/4" of flesh left to cut, I resolved
to do it all at once in one last cutting frenzy.
Due to the size of the operation, it took a while to
complete (maybe 1 minute total), which gave the blood a
chance to flow. I had to stop a few times and wipe away
blood so I could see what I was doing. Strangely, this
didn't bother me at all. It seemed perfectly normal that I
should be wiping up copious amounts of blood flowing
from my bleeding pecker which I had sliced open myself.
Actually, it seemed kind of cool at the time, which led me
to speculate at the time that I had gone insane, which I also
thought was pretty cool.
Anyway, except for the excess blood which had
dripped on to the chair, it went quite well. The only thing
that really grossed me out was when I noticed I had blood
all over my hands. If any psychoanalysts want to analyze
that tidbit for me, feel free, though I really don't care.
The wounds are now completely healed, and the
results are good. Mainly:
1. There are no scars to speak of, just a few bumps on the
glans. This is because I didn't trim the flesh quite close
enough in a few spots. They kind of resembling little
warts. I thought about going back and trimming them off,
but I kind of like 'em now. After all, it's not everyone
who has the privilege of appearing to have warts, without
actually being diseased.
2. Without the skin tension holding things back, total dick
length has increased by 1/4". (Of course I've measured the
length of my dick. Like you haven't?)
3. It's a great topic for dinnertime conversation. Women
generally seem to find it quite interesting. Men generally
turn kind of pale.
With my newfound surgical skills, I've been
contemplating a few more self-surgical procedures. You
know, mole removal, wart removal, nose jobs, the whole
vista of cosmetic surgery. I'll need some help for that
mole on my back, which means training an assistant. Ah,
the future looks interesting indeed ...
-- Greg Bernath gbernath@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu------------------------------
Message-Id: <9412212304.AA23112@thelonious.MIT.EDU> From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo, FRC" <dryfoo@mit.edu> To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu Subject: I FOUND JESUS! [rec.humor.funny #5273] Date: Wed, 21 Dec 1994 18:04:44 EST
} ------ From n9110536@henson.cc.wwu.edu (W. Douglas West) } A friend and I came up with this last weekend. } } Get one of those fake hands that you can hang out of your car trunk. } Paint a red/brown splotch on the back of the hand. } Drive a large nail through the hand, palm first. } Stick it under your trunk lid, per instructions. } Place a bumper sticker under the hand reading: "I FOUND JESUS!"
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End of Subgenius Digest ******************************
