Today's Topics:
Jakes
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Wrote this yesterday, while feeling festive...
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Message-ID: <MAILQUEUE-101.950215104024.914@arn1.arts.nottingham.ac.uk>
From: Mark Daniels <AVYIMAR@arn1.arts.nottingham.ac.uk>
Organization: Arts Faculty, Univ of Nottm
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 10:40:24 GMT
Subject: Jakes
Reply-to: Mark Daniels <avyimar@arn1.arts.nottingham.ac.uk>
Can any of you more mainstream SubG's tell me (I've been too busy
slacking off to concern myself with such matters), is there another Jake
scheduled? The last one that I seem to be able to find out about is the
SpamJake of 23-5-94. Are there any ideas currently circulating for one? If
not, then myself and a few fellow slack-seekers have been toying with the
idea of sending a malt-loaf each to some well-known person or company. We're
damned if we can think of a good pretence, but malt-loaf seems surreal enough
(Doreen loves her Soreen) - any ideas?
Mark Daniels
Home pages: http://unicorn.ccc.nottingham.ac.uk/~avyimar/downmyclub.html
More slack than something that isn't taut.
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From: jdt@ulysses.att.com
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 10:19:29 EST
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Please unsubscribe.
Message-ID: <9502151028.aa13728@mc.lcs.mit.edu>
Please unsubscribe me from the list of people who don't know how
to unsubscribe!
t
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From: Zog Archer <zog@armory.com>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Wrote this yesterday, while feeling festive...
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 95 13:43:00 PST
Message-ID: <9502151343.aa13945@deepthought.armory.com>
Happy LOVE day, everyone! Happy day when we get to run around and pick up on
complete strangers and gawk at hetero couples sucking each other's tonsils
out of their mouths. Isn't it just PEACHY when everyone forgets that they
hate everyone else and decides to flaunt their significant fuck to the whole
world? People buy flowers and chocolate (both go rotten rather quickly) for
the ones they LOVE. It's everywhere -- People wearing red, wearing little
pins that have teddy bears straddling hearts on them, tying those fucking
annoying chrome balloons to their wrists. Then they wear EACH OTHER and the
balloons desparately try to float away into thin air, and the pins attached
right near tit flesh jiggle up and down, frantically pleading for freedom
from those horrible, nauseating saints of Cupid's pit.
Fuck this day. I hated it. I've ALWAYS hated this day. Everyone takes the
opportunity to try being different, to try caring about fellow human
beings and practicing random acts of kindness. But, after the 24 hours are
up, SORRY!!! I can hate you again and take the liberty to relish in
describing all the reasons why you suck shit in great detail. Vain attempts
at being cuddly and warm ALWAYS FAIL when the individual is cold and numb
by nature. MANY PEOPLE are this way -- vile, hissing snakes at every turn
except when posing for a faceteous celebration of unity with another human
being.
I wore black today because I think holidays SUCK, and as usual, people were
STRANGE all day long. "Why are you wearing black?" they asked me. "Don't
you feel HAPPY deep down inside? Isn't it nice to be LOVED??!!" And then
they extend their fucking claws and HUG ME! ALL DAY LONG!!! People I have
NEVER MET IN MY LIFE who happened to be walking down the street with me
tried to strike up conversation. Gaw-DAMN. "What's your MAJOR, college-boy?"
Probably NOT Social Empathy 101, you PRICK!!! "As if I care jack shit about
you," they continue, "just thought I'd try to make you smile." Where have you
been on days when I've been depressed to the point of tears, lameass? And
you, the cunt who thinks I'm "cute in a dangerous sort of way"; You need to
DIE. Just kill yourself before I do it for you. Am I too ICKY for you when
you're not blinded by romantic visions of random naked men donning lace
underwear, smothered in strawberry syrup beating down your door? Did you
actually think you would get laid today, like the rest of the awestruck
penguin-brained country? Love me for my brain and my rebellion against
these fucked up national holidays.
"Cheer up, buddy! Smile! Eat these sickening artificial candy hearts! Drink
the Kool-Aid like the rest of the cult! It's all a big hallucination, we know.
Ain't it great how we pull the wool over our own pink eyes and SHARE IN THE
SICK JOKE?" Fuck you all. I hate your smiles and your advances. A smile is
the top of a long, tangled tube leading to AN ANUS. Your advances are
unwelcome and a violation of my privacy. Be lucky if I laugh at you with
a cruel, sadistic sneer on my face, as opposed to reaching down your throat
with my bear hands, ripping out your tender heart and lancing it with my
erect cock. You suck. There is no love. By buying the lie, you blind
yourself to a healthy, alert state of mind, unmuddied by gushy visions of
your "Love Bucket". Atleast I have not set myself up for a big, big fall.
And when you get dumped from your PERFECT relationship, I will be there,
pretending to care with my innately sarchastic voice, holding your hand
and grinning my pointy-toothed smile, assuring you "It's never going to be
okay again. You're scarred for life. Relationships are bullshit. Stop crying
and GET YOUR REVENGE. Your true friends will help you recover your self-
esteem and abandon idle, dreamy, adolescent thought -- If you're ready to
give a big middle-finger salute to the life you've led. You've been used as
a hole, a tool, a status symbol, as someone else's property. GROW UP and
FUCK SHIT UP."
Today had two good moments. I met a guy who clearly loved this holiday as
much as I did. We sat in a coffee house and poked fun at people, loudly
and in their faces. It was great. I think we'll hang out more often. The
other good thing today was hanging out with the school's fencing club.
Fencing is a fun sport, because the goal is to AIM FOR THE HEART and spear
it with a thin, pointy swort. Like a shishkabob. Wasted human meat.
If anyone mails me with inane, cutesy messages like, "Everything's so
beautiful, cheer up, love is a good thing, high on life, THERE ARE PEOPLE
OUT THERE WHO CARE," and so on, I will mailbomb you. Then I will find a way
to suspend your computer account. Then I will find your street address. Then
I will boot down your door while you're in bed with someone special and maim
you both to the point of incessant, uncontrollable drooling. DON'T TEMPT ME.
I hate you all.
Hugs and kisses,
-- Zoggie
zog@armory.com
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End of Subgenius Digest
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