Today's Topics:
(2 msgs)
How 'bout another donut, Homer?
Why?
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Date: Wed, 22 Mar 95 12:52:11 EST
From: Stan Dagger <jimthing@eden.rutgers.edu>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
In-Reply-To: Your message of Wed, 22 Mar 95 03:00:13 EST
Message-ID: <CMM-RU.1.4.795894731.jimthing@er5.rutgers.edu>
Bananas, bananas, bananas! All you old folk think about is sex!!
In my day (which is actually next Wednesday) we had to live on pipe dreams...
Frop is available in seventeen different flavours. Strawberry Crucifiction is
the nicest.
Stan Dagger,,,..Honourable yet sleazy.
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Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 22:13:15 GMT
From: phillip shaw <phillip@pshaw.demon.co.uk>
Reply-To: phillip@pshaw.demon.co.uk
Message-Id: <48@pshaw.demon.co.uk>
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject:
In your message dated Wednesday 22, March 1995 you wrote :
>
> Reminds me of the time bananas first arrived
> in London, because of course, owing to the War, we hadn`t had no
> bananas, so us kids what were born during the war had never seen one,
> so we didn`t....[Automated Subgenius Truncatifier has removed
> remainder of text]
>
Having read you discourse on the effects of a world war on banana distribution I
can only say, typical soft southern shandy drinkers. Do you think that us up
'int north had time fer any of yer tropical fruit or other funny ways, not at
all. I remember the day that 'me sister got transferred from the banana welding
factory to special duties, and its clear as a very clear thing.
"The hoi-tee-toi ties down in the smoke arent going to be happy "
(that is what us members of the commonwealth, as was us Lancashire folk, used to
call you lot).
"Are they not our sis"
Is what I said
"Oh no, Ive gone on to the Uranium mines in Wigan"
She said
"You mean the mines for the Atomic Bo[The rest of the text, author and vicinity
have been deleted due to reasons of National Security and Sensibility]
-- "Newcastle Brown Ale, Not so much a food, more a food substitute"Phil Shaw
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From: dryfoo@mit.edu Message-Id: <9503222144.AA13225@thelonious.MIT.EDU> To: danob@mit.edu, subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: How 'bout another donut, Homer? Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 16:44:16 EST
------- Forwarded Message
From: ben@bl.com (Ben Liberman) Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 14:30:18 CDT
I thought that you might appreciate this story. It comes to me from John Breakwell's humor email list.
Ben.
- -------------------------------------- >From: John Breakwell <johnbrea@microsoft.com> Date: Wed, 22 Mar 95 11:01:18 TZ
<forwards nuked>
This story involves TRULY internal combustion propulsion - as in internal to the atom.
The setting is the Sequoyah Nuclear Plant in Chattanooga, TN. The date is about 1979 or 80 and we're starting that sucker up for the first time.
I was the shift test engineer, running the startup test program on the evening shift. Most testing is conducted from the control room. In order to get to the control room, a stroll across the turbine deck is necessary. This deck contains the huge (1200 MWe) turbines and a variety of support equipment. The floor is tiled and the 10 story tall walls are slightly tinted glass. A glorious sight when bathed in the afternoon sun.
As I was strolling toward the control room, I noticed an Aux. Operator standing near a device called a moisture separator/reheater. This device is a large heat exchanger, about 40 feet long and 20 feet in diameter. Its purpose is to reheat the steam exhausting from the high pressure turbine in order to dry it before being introducted into the low pressure turbines. On top of this device is a large safety relief valve with a tailpipe that extended almost 10 floors through the roof. When this valve opens, steam at about 900 psi exhausts to atmosphere through this ~36" tailpipe. The tailpipe is hung from spring hangers and simply floats on the exhaust flange of the safety valve which allows the pipe to move under thermal expansion.
Anyway, this operator was standing along side the reheater. In one hand was a walkie-talkie and in the other hand was a lanyard that ran to the manual trip lever on one of the safeties. This was not unusual, as the functionality of these critical valves is tested fairly often. Normally when the valve trips, there is some steam escaping around the valve, a loud shreik and a large steam cloud on the roof.
As I was almost to the control room, the operator got some activity on the handi-talkie and pulled the manual trip lanyard. The noise from the H-T had gotten my attention and I looked around just in time for the valve opening. FOOOMsssss!!!! The whole damn tailpipe jumped up about 6 inches in the air before settling back down.
Since this behavior was quite abnormal, I asked the operator what was going on. He pointed to the elevator and suggested I go to the roof to find out. I rode the elevator 5 floors and hoofed it up 5 flights of stairs and onto the roof. I noticed about 10 guys standing around near the tailpipe.
As I stepped out, I saw about 6 guys hoisting A 55 GALLON DRUM up and over the tailpipe. Whoosh. It hit bottom 10 floors below.
A message on the handi-talkie and BOOOMssss!!!!!!!! That damn 55 gallon drum full of 600 pounds of water had been launched literally out of sight by 900 psi of steam.
It stayed out of sight a good 30 seconds before it came into view again, hurtling down over the Chickamauga lake. When it hit the lake, it looked like a depth charge going off.
I did a 180 degree twist and headed back down the stairs as fast as my little feet would carry me. As Shultz on Hogan's heros used to say, "I saw notsing.. I hear notsing.. I know notsing..". I did keep a piece of strip chart recording that showed the dip in steam pressure that documents the launch :-)
I heard a few days later that one of their ICBD (Inter County Ballistic Drums) had been caught by a gust of wind and had come down on a car in the parking lot, thus ending the era of the nuclear powered missile. The funny thing is, no one would ever admit to knowing how that drum ended up on the car, which ended up about 6 inches tall :-)
So if anyone asks if America has ever launched a nuclear powered missile, you can answer truthful YES!
[BTW, I've waited 10 years to tell this story to ensure that my memory of the names of those involved has thoroughly faded just in case the nuke police were to get interested.]
------- End of Forwarded Message
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From: dryfoo@mit.edu Message-Id: <9503230100.AA13664@thelonious.MIT.EDU> To: adp@mit.edu, Chris Spurgeon <ces@well.sf.ca.us>, ben@mcs.com, Ben Liberman <ben@bl.com>, rackliffe@tcm.org, caw@mit.edu Cc: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu Subject: Why? Date: Wed, 22 Mar 1995 20:00:25 EST
[I recieved this from a colleague.]
} WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? } } Plato: For the greater good. } } Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. } } Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a } chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but } also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with } such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely } chicken's dominion maintained. } } Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its } pancreas. } } Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered } within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation } is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because } structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! } } Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find } out. } } Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment } would let it take. } } Douglas Adams: Forty-two. } } Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes } also across you. } } Oliver North: National Security was at stake. } } B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its } sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it } would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of } its own free will. } } Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated } that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and } therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. } } Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, } the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. } } Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the } objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which } caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. } } Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road } crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. } } Aristotle: To actualize its potential. } } Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. } } Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing } events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian } biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement } formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable } occurence. } } Salvador Dali: The Fish. } } Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. } } Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. } } Epicurus: For fun. } } Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. } } Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. } } Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. } } Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken } was on, but it was moving very fast. } } David Hume: Out of custom and habit. } } Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were } quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. } } Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) } reason. } } Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? } } Ronald Reagan: I forget. } } John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the } transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of } the opportunity. } } The Sphinx: You tell me. } } Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! } } Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow } out of life. } } Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. } } Molly Yard: It was a hen! } } Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
To which I had to add:
DAVID MAMET: A what? A chicken? A fuckin' chicken? Crossed the fuckin' road? A fuckin' chicken crossed the fuckin' road and you're askin' me how come? How come? How the fuck should I know why some fuckin' chicken crossed the fuckin' road? (shoots him)
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End of Subgenius Digest ******************************
