Today's Topics:
Blue moon in Germany
Chain mail to the Digest
Destroy all Chain Letters!
Lord have mercy, "Bob" have mercy, Lord have mercy!
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Message-Id: <9504031838.AA00716@conniver.media.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Blue moon in Germany
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 95 14:38:18 -0400
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
From: dmc@cam.sri.com (David Carter)
To: brenda@cam.sri.com, john
Subject: Stereotypes
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 95 10:50:54 BST
Who says Germans have no sense of humour? The following is from the
Big Issue:
"One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that
they're flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or
giraffes, or humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager
Jason Evans, of Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours
stuck in one after using it in an attempt to get into his house. He
was eventually cut free by firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther
Burpus remained wedged in his front-door cat flap for two days because
passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41,
of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys.
Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who
removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck
a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying 'Germany
Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'. Passers-by
assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when
an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good!
Very clever!' and threw coins at me." "
Dave
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To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Chain mail to the Digest
Organization: Locus Computing Corp./Boston, (617)229-4980
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 1995 10:50:09 -0400
From: Mike Leibensperger <mjl@darkstar.bos.locus.com>
Message-ID: <"darkstar.b.212:03.03.95.14.50.10"@locus.com>
Brad, don't forget to uuencode it!
cat /unix | uuencode fuck.you | mail John_Marshall@beckett.com
Yours for robust mail-bombing technology,
mjl
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From: Brian Caruso <bcaruso@black.clarku.edu>
Message-Id: <9504030613.AA22679@black.clarku.edu>
Subject: Destroy all Chain Letters!
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 02:13:31 -0400 (EDT)
interview with Bob contained within
instructions for use of this letter as given by Bob:
1. save this letter to a file and send to friends you wish to
protect from chain letters.
2. enjoy slack.
3. if step 2 is interrupted by a chain letter delete offending
chain letter, if so inclined or in a vengeful mood send a copy of
his file to whom ever sent the chain letter.
4. goto step 2.
do not ever feel obliged to send this or any other letter to
anyone. if this document has improved your life and slack send well
concealed cash donations to: Bic/Caruso
box 238
Clark U. 950 Main St.
Worcester MA 01610.
THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!
So why are you wasting you valuable slack on chain letters?
They are toiling in the earth to hold you back and keep you
ignorant. Chain letters are specially designed documents that
forcefully drain you slack and weaken your already endangered
mental state. You might as well remove the screen from your tv and
let them tatoo cappio tv advertising across you face with electron
beams; you might as well buy a t shirt that says, "I'm Pink, take
advantage of me." you might as well go get your euroblender and
make a brain shake because if you keep this shit up there's no way
you'll last.
WHAT IS THIS DOCUMENT ALL ABOUT?
In one sense this document will protect the owner from all
curses and what not nastiness that letters are said to bring ( this
is for the pink, subgenius are immune to such trans-temporal
effects and, in fact, are in control of many of them), but deeper
it is a solution to the chain letter problem that is current
plaguing so many of us today. This document will back track up the
chain and tag those who are responsible for chain letters. And
they will live in fear, is that sound outside just the wind? or is
it a squad of class7 hyper-cripto-mutated time-controlling pain
agents? Could you sleep at night having to fret over this each
second of each night? Fucking think about it the next time you sit
down to write a chain letter, Class7 agents aren't people you want
to have show up at your next dinner party (they aren't even people
but that's not important).
Some examples of the obvious dangers of chain letters:
Jerry P. Schopoffenberg of Springfield Mass., who once said,
"Since my wife died I have thought I was going crazy, or senile.
Your material helps me deal with this and exploit my intermittent
loss of mind. I'm 89 and I agree, let's have more SLACK! (The
profanity I could do without, but I understand, you have to reach
the young people too.)", died at the age of 98 of a heart attack
after ignoring Bob's warning against chain letters, received his
luck, won the lottery and promptly died.
Elizabeth L. Nguyen of Summit NJ. sent a chain letter out to
the 10 or so people as instructed. She received her luck, her
orgasms were better then ever. But one Alix Kiyonori, to whom she
sent the letter to, forgot to sent the letter out. He blamed his
bad luck on her. Needless to say he hunted her down like the chain
letter mail'en fool she was and nailed her to the 9:45 north bound
train.
Timothy J. Wells of Hikone Japan always sent his chain letters
to random people. One day while having dinner with his recently
found long lost mother, men in black suits burst into the house,
treat him and his mother roughly and escort them to their car's,
never to be seen again.
HOW CAN I FREE MYSELF FROM THE EVILS OF CHAIN LETTERS?
How can you break the chain without having to fear the wrath of ill
luck? Well if your really swank you'll do the right thing. But
many fear the unknown powers out there. This letter is the key, it
is an officially J. R. Bob Dobbs sanctioned document giving you
permission to break any chain letters which you see fit to break.
After long periods of time involving great expense and slack
consuming research our team of highly trained meta theological
insurrectionists have uncovered this interview between Bob and
Gustav Klimt:
GK: I never knew one could do that with their underware, What
about the subject of chain letters?
BOB: Chain letters are something we who have evolved should never
take part in, one can look at it this way, if i were to send out
a chain letter peoples slack would be depleted but how would i
profit? I wouldn't. That slack is wasted. If i deplete a pink's
slack to increase my slack, in a way sucking his slack which he
doesn't even appreciate out of him, I have gained something. but
with chain letters it is not so... slack is spent on reading the
rest of the letter once you've discovered there's no checks or
cash, then you have to copy it, then send it and stamps and all
that and as if i've gone down to the post office to get the new
ones, so i have to use two of the 29 ones, none who desire slack
can waste their slack on such an effort. Those who have achieved
the 9 sense of knowing which mail to open know that the chain
letters are the first to be disposed of, or what about email? Can
anyone believe that i really want 17 odd pages of headers?
GK: How can the subgenius protect them selves from this slack
parasite?
BOB: First one must be resolute. then they must construct a
document as follows... (extremely long and complicated instructions
for construction of this document deleted because of parameters of
construction) ...then this document should be distributed to the
masses, this document will give the barer permission from me to
disrupt all chain letters. Which I hope they will exercise often.
give it to other subgenius, give it to others who you wish to
protect and always send it to anyone who sends you a chain letter.
When it is received by the author of a chain letter there will be
nothing they can do and this idleness of the letter in the hands of
one who has destroyed so much slack will be detected my the higher
priests of the church and they WILL know what to do.
GK: How does the film Teenage Rebel with Ginger Rogers show youth
seeking slack and a deeper understanding of all that is not pink?
BOB: There is much that can be learned...
[end of recovered interview]
Enjoy life and slack always.
--
"The chief enemy of Beauty is only skin deep if
creativity is 'good' taste." that is how you define it
-Pablo Pacasso
akira@ayup.res.wpi.edu Brian Caruso
bcaruso@black.clarku.edu
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To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Lord have mercy, "Bob" have mercy, Lord have mercy!
Organization: Locus Computing Corp./Boston, (617)229-4980
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 1995 10:56:19 -0400
From: Mike Leibensperger <mjl@darkstar.bos.locus.com>
Message-ID: <"darkstar.b.042:03.03.95.14.56.20"@locus.com>
Cheee-rist! Just as I finished photocopying my federal and state tax
returns in the supply room, I hoisted by official Church-approved
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs coffee mug by my *middle* *finger* and it fell to the
floor, shattering into SIX large pieces and SIX HUNDRED
micro-fragments! WHAT does it MEAN?!!!?!!
*sniff* --- I'm on me knees, "Bob" --- *sniff* --- let me keep just a
_smidge_, just a WEE bit, just a forkin' TAD o' my refund check! I
promise to buy a drink for *every* pipe-smoking transvestite I meet
from *now* *on*! ...blubber...
Snivellingly,
mjl
--
Michael J. Leibensperger ___ "Rats and roaches live by competition under the
Locus Computing/Boston \X/ laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege
8 New England Executive Park of human beings to live under the laws of
Burlington MA 01803 <mjl@locus.com> justice and mercy." -- Wendell Berry
Member of the League for Programming Freedom --- write league@prep.ai.mit.edu
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End of Subgenius Digest
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