Today's Topics:
(2 msgs)
History`s first failed franchise
X-DAY - THE MOTION PICTURE
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To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From: Michael Salmond <M.Salmond@plymouth.ac.uk>
Organization: University of Plymouth
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 12:42:13 GMT
Subject:
Message-ID: <88E22B2B71@cs_fs15.cs.plymouth.ac.uk>
Screen Name: dobbs
Validation: 283948928
UKSlack - It's summertime and the livin' is queasy.
How many "sub"scribe to this digest?
Ask any questions.............
CYA
Mike S.
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Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 18:29:21 -0400 (EDT)
From: GRIVARD@ccmail.sunysb.edu
Subject:
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Message-id: <Pine.3.89.9504121812.A1648265912-0100000@ccmail.sunysb.edu>
i'm eager to hear from others who heed the word of J.R.Bob Dobbs.
no chain letters please.
slack37
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Message-Id: <9504121845.AA01550@conniver.media.mit.edu>
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: History`s first failed franchise
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 95 14:45:04 -0400
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
> From: jde@unify.com (Jeff Evarts)
> Subject: History`s first failed franchise
> Date: Mon, 10 Apr 95 19:30:03 EDT
>
> This one is mine, although I`ll deny it later.
>
> History`s first failed franchise:
>
> Pilate`s Prophet-on-a-Stick
>
> -Jeff Evarts
> --jde@unify.com
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Message-Id: <199504120541.AAA16455@home.interaccess.com>
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 1995 00:41:54 -0500
To: Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From: Brian Thomas <bthomas@interaccess.com>
Subject: X-DAY - THE MOTION PICTURE
The following is an excerpt from the upcoming book "BOB"'S FAVORITE MOVIES -
The SubGenius in the Cynema:
CE3K: A VISION OF X-DAY
In the recent literary classic REVELATION X, Rev. Ivan Stang writes:
"Steven Speilberg should be tried, convicted and executed for CLOSE
ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, which gave millions the ridiculous idea that
superior beings will want to "HELP" us."
I find it hard to believe that a hogh-ranking Churchman like Stang could so
erroniously wiffread a film like this one. Perhaps he was lying - in which
case his "mistake" can be forgiven.
Just who are these "millions" that have been so mislead? Why, the PINK of
cource! Any SubGenius (or halfway intelligent Pink, for that matter) who was
paying attention during the terrifying abduction scene should never have
mistaken those visitors as benign entities. There is no evidence whatsoever
in the film as to the intent of the extraterrestrials' activities (Heck,
even little ET was portrayed as nothing better or worse than a lost infant.
Who knows what punishment was doled out to him from his stern parents after
he was caught hanging out with Hollywood trash like Drew Barrymore).
However, Conspiracy film critics worldwidewere quick to hype the film as a
gloriously positive fable. Perhaps it is. But not for THEM.
Let us examine the plot from the SubGenius viewpoint. The picture opens
with the discovery of some long lost planes in the Sonora Desert. The aliens
capture a squad of aircraft, kidnap the pilots (and do Jhva knows WHAT to
them), and drop them inthe middle of nowhere decades later - like kids who
leave their toys all over the lawn, once they get bored with them. Nothing
at all benign so far. I'd say they were downright rude.
After a short scene where joyriding outer space teenage jazzbabies buzz
through the sky terrorizing commercial air traffic, we're introduced to our
main character: Roy Neary, obviously representative of the unSaved
SubGenius. His SubG identity flashes like a neon sign in this first scene,
in which he argues with his Pink wife and halfbreed children, who show their
colors by trying to steer himonto the path of false Slack (here obviously
symbolized by "Goofy Golf"(!)). The name "Neary" can be taken as "nearly" -
Roy is "nearly there" or "almost saved". Time and again we see him nearly
wander from the True Path. The scene ends when Neary is called off into the
night by the duties of his opressive Conspiracy job. Seems the saucer folk
are playing hob with the power grid again.
In true SubG fashion, Roy is soon completely neglecting his duties. He has
an Encounter with a huge saucer, which tries to literally shake some sense
into him, and then blasts him with the light of Truth, burning his skin.
This marking reveals Roy's half-Pink nature to everyone who sees him,
including himself. It's not long before he's quitting his job (okay, so
technically he was fired, but close enough) and Slacking off big time by
building a mountain in his rec room, alienating every Pink around him and
sending his Normal suburban family unit fleeing in terror. He can't help
himself - it's just his way.
Soon after, Jillian Guiler is terrorized by a marauding gang of Things from
Beyond, and her young son is kidnapped, yanked through an angrily flapping
doggy door. (Curiously, Jillian has no dog. What happened to it? And what
became of little Barry's father? Was he too abducted? Or killed? Later in
the film, a dog emerges from the mothership, but it is not identified. Just
what the devil is going on here?)
The Con Authorities are quick to skillfully cover up the saucer flap,
branding the contactees as eccentrics and explaining away everything with
"gentle humor" and "good cheer". Meanwhile, we keep cutting back to the
activities of a mysterious group of people that are investigating the
various unexplained events. The saucers keep flying around the globe,
dropping off trash, playing anti-music and showing off their secret
handshakes. Responding to a radio message (The Hour of Slack), the disguise
themselves in Conspiracy symbolism (military gear, Budweiser, Piggly Wiggly)
and head for the designated rendevouz point.
Soon Roy has completed his bizarre art project, which looks suspiciously
like the bowl of "Bob"'s pipe. With devilish trickery, Speilberg pulls off
the most suspensefull scene in the picture - will Roy turn in time to see
the Devil's Tower on the TV screen? Once again, Roy is on the verge of
returning to the Normal world, when he receives his message of salvation. He
is illuminated by an image on television, much like "Bob" himself.
SIDEBAR: What is it with the Pink and their relationship with television?
Don't you just hate them? I don't know how many times I've heard a Pink
whining, "Television is just junk! Oh, why can't it be better? Why aren't
there more GOOD shows on TV?" Why, so you can watch even MORE?! The
Subgenius is satisfied to watch just the right individual amount of TV that
they need (VideoSlack), whether that amount be 24 hours a day or never. He
doesn't sit there like a damn PINK and suffer through a program he doesn't
want to see, and then WHINE about it! TV is my friend. Leave it be, Pink Boy
- or KILL ME!
On the weight of this televised evidence, Roy and Jillian drive all the way
to Wyoming, where they join up for a Short Duration Marriage (offscreen).
Roy stops to buy the wares of a gasmask SALESMAN ("Don't breathe the Church
Air."). On the way to the tower, they're captured and interrogated by the
Mystery Group. Roy asks, "Just who ARE you people?!" Indeed, who are they?
This group is certainly not the agency of any one government, although they
seem to have infiltrated enough to influence the affairs of several.
Although the Lacombe character is introduced to Roy as "the highest
authority", in the very next scene he has to defer to another man - a man
with a pipe.
Roy and Jillian escape, make their way to the other side of the Devil's
Tower (or "bowl"), and find an encampment/ampitheater set up along a runway
(or "stem"). As night falls, there is a terrific show of expensive special
effects and lights and music (a Gut Blowout), culminating in the arrival of
the Xist mothership (which "lights the pipe'). Roy is taken aside to give
out some personal information and pay for his official Church membership
card. He then joins a select group of the chosen (Saved SubGenii) and
marches aboard the mothership (Pleasure Saucer). A man with a pipe smiles
his approval. A grey appears and gives a big grin - and if you watch
carefully, you can see the splice where Con forces took out the single frame
showing a pipe in his mouth.
Is it mere coinsidence that this film was released just as the Church was
about to go "public"? Isn't it amazing how Pinks (and Bobbies) like to put
down Steven Speilberg and say that his films can't be taken seriously
(except for the intended comedy SCHINDLER'S LIST) even as they line up to
buy what he's selling? To my way of thinking, Speilberg is as great a
filmmaker as Ed Wood, or even Larry Buchanan - while at the same time, he's
a MUCH better salesman.
If it was any plainer, it never would've been released. Maybe someday it'll
be safe for Speilberg to make a sequel. The opening scene shows the
mothership orbitting gracefully around the Earth. Roy stands at a
viewscreen, looking down at the beautiful planet, as a Grey brings him a
beer and winks at him. Another figure approaches - it's "Bob". He and Roy
shake hands, smiling, and sit back to watch the fun.
We cut to three solid hours of footage showing Yacatizma, Deros, Nazi Hell
Creatures, and various other Things swarm out of whatever hell they call
home and - well, see Chapter 10 of Revelation X. Occasionally, we'll cut
back to scenes of paid up Reverends (we'll all play ourselves) enjoying
themselves on the Pleasure Saucers while watching the "fun" on bigscreen TV.
Hmmmm... maybe SCHINDLER'S LIST really IS a heavily disguised sequel...>
Rev. RockLobster bthomas@interaccess.com
BOBoBoBoBoBoBOBoBoBoBoBoBOBoBoBoBoBoBOBoBfNoRdBoBOBoBoBoBoBoBOBoBoBoBoBoBOB
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!::::'___`:::::::'___`:::::::'___`:::::::'___`:::::::'___`:::::::'___`::::!
!:::'/_ _\`:::::'/_ _\`:::::'/_ _\`:::::'/_ _\`:::::'/_ _\`:::::'/_ _\`:::!
!:::|/ ~ \|`::::|/ ~ \| `::|/ ~ \|' `|/ ~ \|::' |/ ~ \|::::'|/ ~ \|:::!
!:::|'-.-`| :::|'-.-`| :|'-.-`| |'-.-`|: |'-.-`|::: |'-.-`|:::!
!:: (|e|e|? ::(|e|e|? ' (|e|e|? ` ' (|e|e|? ` (|e|e|?.: (|e|e|? ::!
!. `._^_,'' :`._^_,'..' `._^_,'`...'`._^_,' `..`._^_,'. ``._^_,' .!
!. \\=// \\=// \\=// \\=// \\=// \\=// .!
: U/_/ U/_/ U/_/ U/_/ U/_/ U/_/ :
@/ \&~ @/ \&~ @/ \&~ @/ \&~ @/ \&~ @/ \&
Y/\.::./\S\ /Y/\.::./\S\ /Y/\.::./\S\ /Y/\.::./\S\ /Y/\.::./\S\ /Y/\.::./\S
E$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$E
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End of Subgenius Digest
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