HoS 645 -- CLINTON SEX with SUSIE & STANG Side One Intro by Rev. Susie the Floozy from her Easter Show on "Bob's" Slacktime Funhouse, WREK Atlanta SLACKBANGERS "lost basement tape": "LAST CHANCE FOR SLACK" (Bill T. Miller, DK Jones, Rev. Ivan Stang, Bro. Cleve Dunkan) Bg music by Rev. Ymmot Zepol from CD "AFTER X-DAY" w/ Stang rant: "CLINTON SEX RANT" for Hour of Slack #645 Awwww, no, Dear Friends, don't tell me you're tired of hearing about X-DAY! Well, so am I. So instead, let's fixate on something that NOBODY could EEEEVER get tired of -- President Bill Clinton's sex life. Maybe, by the time you actually hear this show, probably 3 weeks after I sling it together, it'll be almost COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN in lieu of some new sordid evil thing like, oh, Leonardo DiCaprio breaking up with his girlfriend or Jerry Springer's first live on-camera blinding of a 3 year old poebucker by its 8 year old poebucker parents... I can't help but be mad though. I keep thinking about my arch conservative family... and how they win every time. DESPITE the liberal bias media! HUH! How does that figure. Even if a middle of the road guy like Clinton gets elected, to them, that's just not FAIR because they're right and he's wrong, so they MUST find SOME WAY to make him lose anyway. The bottom line is, I guess friends, let's get Big Government out of Big Business and quit pestering polluters, and get back to regulating people's private lives, personal beliefs and bedroom habits. If we had prayer in schools, none of this would have happened. Let's get BIG BROTHER OUT OF THE BOARDROOM, and BACK INTO THE BEDROOM -- like the GOOD OLD DAYS. But you can't really blame arch conservatives for always knowing they're completely right. Because everybody agrees with 'em! Think about it. When somebody you don't know all that well starts in on you about "Clintons's gone be... eh eh -- COMMUNIST, the media's got everything totally controlled, Rush and G Gordon and Stern and Jerry and Sally-Jally ALL AGREE, bip, beh, WHO DOES THEM POLLS? They never polled ME. They just inventin' all that stuff, the liberals got everybody fooled, you get AIDS from a HANDSHAKE, and queers LIKE to be tortured by society, it's their CHOICE..." "YES isn't that awful... WELL I WISH I could learn more but I really must be going on my way now, uh, see you later..." I will admit that I have exactly the same reaction when some crazed Radical Pagan (or dumbass Bobbie for that matter) gabbers at me their extremist crackpot schizoid self delusion. By the same token, there are plenty of people who believe that in real life, nobody cusses. I've heard I dunno how many little old lady men say, "Well I jes don't understand this foul language in the movies. Nobody talks that way..." That's right, maam, nobody talks that way around YOU. When you start on about the liberal plot of the Jewish bankers that took over the world, we're not going to argue with you. You can be sure of that. We're not going to get into a big argument with YOU. We will HUMOR you. You've already told us how the argument's going to end, so few of us feel inclined to waste our time trying to introduce anything new into your worldview... ahem... SirMaam. AAAAARRRGHH!!! Oh, the hate! The hypocrisy! The hate for the hypocrisy -- I mean, damn it, I'm as hypocritical as the next guy! I'm almost as hypocritical as the average right wing conspiracy board member country club Christian Pink... SO, WHERE'S THE MONEY? I don't get it. EH! "That darned President just wanted to get his willie slick so that that Monica woman would have to have an ABORTION because that's AMERICA'S HOLOCAUST which proves the liberals ARE the Nazis. Not that the Nazis were all that bad. They didn't really kill anybody, hardly, besides Jews and the Homuhs and Russians, and any bad American that God didn't want to protect. Waco was MAH wake up call!" Yeah well, I'm afraid THE VIETNAM WAR was MY wake-up call. The trillion dollar deficit was MY Whitewater. Secret wars in Central America were MY secret love trysts. Massive arms for hostages sales to IRAN and IRAQ were MY illegal campaign contributions. Rush Limbaugh on every station was MY liberal controlled media. But I shouldn't complain. Hell, I get to be on THIS station! AND THIS station is the one that the leaders of TOMORROW are listening to! The ones who will follow in "BOB's" footsteps, and ZORRO's, and ROBIN HOOD's, and BATMAN's, and LUKE SKYWALKER's, setting termites to the foundations of the Conspiracy Skyscraper, THOSE rebel forces aren't listening to ABC, FOX, CNN or hardly even NPR! In fact they don't get their news off broadcast media at ALL, they get it by READING TONS AND TONS OF ACTUAL TEXT WORDS from CONFLICTING SOURCES. They listen to this station for SLACK, BECAUSE THEY KNOW WHAT SLACK IS!!! Or at least, they know they sure aren't gettin' it in the damn sold out watered down pinky winky laugh-track CORPORATE MEDIA! So SUPPORT THIS STATION YOU PURBLIND SHUFFLING EARTH-FOOLS!! AND BUILD YOUR OWN SHIP! Have faith in "Bob" but just in case, BUILD YOUR OWN SHIP!! EARTH -- listen to me! EARTH -- WE MUST GET OFF NOW!!! WE... MUST... GET... OFF.... NOW!!! But back to the presidential pecker. Although it is true that no working class Republican Christian has ever cheated on its spouse, it's a little known fact that MOST EARTH PRESIDENTS, HAVE! In fact, most world leaders have, and do. Indeed, one might say, everybody except the REALLL perverts do, or at least, admit that they'd LIKE to if present societal structures didn't make it so damn much trouble. This is not to EXCUSE the idea that two people should have sex just because it's fun, they're grown-ups and they both agree to it. Wait a minute, yes it is. This IS to excuse just that. "Bob" himself IS THAT EXCUSE. I think Bill Clinton was RIGHT to have sex with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office. I think he was RIGHT to lie about it as long as he possibly could, and I think he was RIGHT to snipe at the right wingers when he was cornered. I would do EXACTLY THE SAME THING. ANY SANE MAN would do exactly the same thing. And somebody with the responsibilities of the Presidency, ESPECIALLY should accept that oral sex and chase those skirts, and lie about it to the prudish eavesdropping voyeurs. MY GOD MAN -- if the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES isn't allowed to get a little SIDE GINCH, then WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD did all those brave American soldiers DIE for, in all those wars for our freedom?? The freedom for little old ladies and frustrated eunuchs to castrate everyone who happens to somehow still possess normal sexuality? The freedom for fundamentalist Christians to decide what happens behind EVERYBODY's closed bedroom doors? The freedom for huge cartels of American drug dealers to ADDICT CHILDREN to the most INSIDIOUS drugs, using cartoons and billboards and TV ads, while destroying the lives of those who use MEDICINAL drugs that happen NOT TO BE PATENTABLE? DID ALL THOSE BRAVE AMERICAN SOLDIERS DIE JUST SO THAT A SECRET ROYAL GANG OF FAT BALD WHITE MEN COULD MAKE YET MORE MONEY?? Well... like those white crosses at Arlington Cemetary spell out when viewed from the air, "OH WELL, THERE'S MORE WHERE THESE CAME FROM!" Let's agree to disagree. I'll look the other way when the President conducts secret wars in Nicaragua, loots the savings and loans, and makes deals with terrorists, and you look the other way when the President makes out with his girlfriend. That way, neither one of us has to look at the things we respectively hate so very much. # Subject: Presidential history quiz >Date: Thu, 06 Aug 1998 07:59:51 -0700 >From: beepnet >Subject: Moral models > >Subj: Our Presidents > > >1.Jack Kennedy smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked >about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack > >2.Bill Clinton allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a >finalist >in the Miss America pageant > >3. Lyndon B. Johnsont made love to one of his secretaries stretched out >atop a desk in the oval office > >4. Thomas Jefferson allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a >slave who was his wife's half sister > >5.Grover Cleveland was elected president after the opposition exposed his illegitimate child and he admitted fathering the little bastard. > >6. Andrew Jackson married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first >husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election >campaign > >7. George Washington wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife >while he was engaged to someone else > >8. Franklin Roosevelt had a torrid affair with Eleanor's personal >secretary > >9. Warren Harding made love to a young woman in a White House coat >closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the >hysterical first lady from attacking them > >10. Jack Kennedy made love in a closet while telling his lover about >the >*other* president who made love in a closet (Warren Harding) > >11. Lyndon Johnson was cheesed off because he felt that HIS >record of sexual conquests was more impressive than JFKs > >12.LBJ also, while a college student, loved showing off >his willy (which he named "Jumbo") > X-Sender: mark@mx.cruzio.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1998 14:54:38 -0800 To: Alfred Vitale , rushkoff@interport.net, "Martin, Bob" , The Klingons , "R.U. Sirius" , Dave Gonzalez , Mel Seesholtz , 102354.627@compuserve.com, Arel Lucas , nix@thegrid.net, bcane , Dominic Luzi , Elicia David , EWagner382 , dryfoo@mit.edu, mizg@geocities.com, Graham Wilson , riverrun@sirius.com, i.stang@metronet.com, jjwebb@cruzio.com, John@ix.netcom.com, mark@cruzio.com, metzger@bway.net, blackops@cruzio.com, patrick@sv.cks.com, mpmonaghan@aol.com, rasa@pelorian.com, Morning Sky , Futique@juno.com, "D. Scott Apel" , Tom@ix.netcom.com From: Mark Subject: New Clinton Scandals > >AP Aug 20 Wash D.C.-- Kenneth Starr has announced two new Clinton >scandals he intends to investigate, both involving uncouth >and improper behavior. >The first, and major of the new charges, involves the assertion >of two Little Rock women, Edna Crone, 88, and Edith Hagg, 91, >who allege that in December 1981 they were sitting behind >Mr.Clinton in the First Baptist Church when he let a ripping >fart. "He tried to look innocent," Ms Crone said, "And when >we said, 'That was you' he lied to us.He said 'Who, >me?' But it was him, and it stank to high heaven." >Starr commented, "This shows a pattern of deception." >A second charge comes from a retired secret service man >whose name was not released, who says he saw the president pick >his nose on 23 July 1993. Starr intends to discover if >full penetration occured. "These investigations will only >cost another $50 million," Starr said, "and the America >people deserve to know all the details." >A poll of typical citizens conducted by CNN/Time found that >the most popular explanations of Mr Starr's increasingly >bizarre investigations are: >One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl >One taco short of a combination plate >A few cards shy of a full deck >A gallon short of a tankfull. >A few feathers short of a whole duck >He's dumber than a box of rocks >A few peas short of a casserole >Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box >The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead >All foam, no beer >Bats in the belfry >He's so far out the trolleys don't run there >The cheese slid off his cracker years ago >An intellect rivaled only by garden tools >There's an owl in his attic >As smart as fish-bait >I think his chimney's clogged >Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash >Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor >His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels >Receiver is off the hook >Several nuts short of a full pouch >Sky light leaks a little >Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. >Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. >If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. >Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. >This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. > >mark@cruzio.com >"Peace comes of communication."-- Ezra Pound >"Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech >or of the press..." -- Anon >"To live well is to live with adequate information"-- Norbert Weiner > mark@cruzio.com "Peace comes of communication."-- Ezra Pound "Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech or of the press..." -- Anon "To live well is to live with adequate information"-- Norbert Weiner Stang also reads super-truncated version of Modemac's "BOB" ADMITS TO ILLICIT AFFAIR! From: modemac@tiac.net (Modemac) To: i.stang@subgenius.com, friday@subgenius.com Newsgroups: alt.slack Subject: "Bob" Admits to Illicit Affair! Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 16:21:04 GMT Organization: First Online Church of "Bob" Reply-To: modemac@sunspot.tiac.net Alas, fellow Yetikin, I am loath to reveal the truth: that J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is less than perfect. Even though Stang, Friday Jones, and the other lackeys at the SubGenius Foundation have labored to keep the truth hidden, the investigation into "Bob's" secret affairs has continued. A major victory was scored when "Bob" finally admitted to an affair and made this speech: Aug. 17, 1998 DOBBS: Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Dobbstown Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no Conspiracy Pink Boy would ever want to answer. But now that the questions are on tape, they will be made available to the public very soon now. Just send $1 to The Church of the SubGenius, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, and ask for the transcript. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Friday Jones. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, I did have a relationship with Friday Jones that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong for me not to pay for the abortion. I couldn't help it, I was broke at the time -- I'd just lost a serious card game to Donald Trump. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I, and all the members of the SubGenius Foundation, am solely and completely responsible. But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. We've done our best to make sure that no one will find anything. Those worn-out paper shredders are just some toys I bought at a yard sale the other day. I swear this is the truth. I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, though my wife doesn't seem to mind. I deeply regret that I had to hide the truth for so long, because I got some of the best damn photos of Friday's pregnancy y'all ever did see! I'd even post 'em to the Internet, if someone could show me how to do it. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect Friday from the embarrassment of my own conduct. Second, by the hope that we'd be able to cash in on this somehow and make a bundle from it. But dammit, Friday had to go and EAT the fetus, before we could even show it to Jesus and Nickie and try to get a good price for it! GODDAMN, woman, ain't you got no SENSE? We gotta make MONEY from these things before we destroy the evidence!!!... Uhh... Anyway, I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact that these questions were being asked in a Conspiracy inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, back when Pamphlet #1 was published... dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or the SubGenius Foundation or my wife over two years ago. Well, almost none. The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. Which means it's time to launch a NEW investigation of the investgation OF the investigation! We'll wrap it all up with so much red tape, those damn bastards'll NEVER figure it all out! They'll just want to change the channel and watch MTV instead!!! What? That thing's still ON? Shit! Okay... This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. Now, this matter is between me, the nine other people I love most -- my wife and my other three wives and the Foundation and my personal staff of accountants - and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even if it means SELLING OUT and getting the Xists to show up here AFTER ALL. Sorry about that problem with July Fifth, Ivan -- I still have to get the paperwork sorted out. But nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. Its nobodys business but ours. In fact, this whole CHURCH is nobody's business but ours! That's why we get our cut of the profits!!! Even Saviors have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. Our church has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. Now it is timein fact, it is past time to move on and find some other things to distract y'all. We have important work to doreal opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face, real Pink Boys to kill. And lots and lots of real MONEY to make! And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to continue to weave the fabric of our sacred discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next SubGenius century. Thank you for watching. And good night. -- Reverend Modemac (modemac@tiac.net) First Online Church of ? URL: http://www.tiac.net/users/modemac/ REST OF SHOW is Rev. Susie the Floozies incredible collage and rant from her Easter Show. At very end is stretch from ESO Radio, WCSB Cleveland, Chas Smith collage "Swamp Radio Night 98" Side B -- Lonesome Cowboy Dave given his injections, "Over the Rainbow."