Subject: 09.18.01

From: "Reverend Sinphaltimus Exmortus" <RevSExmortus@nyc.rr.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Sep 18, 2001 6:51 PM
Message-ID: <XdQp7.29191$A5.4511741@typhoon.nyc.rr.com>

09.18.01 - One week later. First off, I want to thank those who have
contacted me and shared their experiences as well as concerns and feelings
regarding both, my posts and how this entire week has affected them. You may
think that yesterday's post was a little far fetched when it came to the
dream I had or how I interpreted that dream, well, I soon discovered that I
am not the only one suffering with nightmares before and after the attacks.
As well, some of you shared your losses and feelings on how they are
affecting you today in light of all that is going on. Thank you and know
that I am with you as you are with me.

Chaos rules the day. Work is just another barrage of tasks upon tasks upon
tasks. I'd have to thank everyone at my company for the support and
technical assistance they have provided through out the companies crisis to
continue business. As small as these problems are compared to the problems
of the world, they are major issues to us as a company as well as us as
employees who need to continue working and supporting our families.

Now back to personal feelings... I here alot of people talking about all the
countries that are supporting our efforts to rid the planet of terrorism.
I'd like to make some short and to the point comments on such matters. If
you did not support the US before, why should I believe that you would now?
Iran, yeah right... China? I don't trust 'em. Why, for a few simple reasons,
which are all fairly recent. One, after our accidental bombing of their
embassy and the issue with our aircraft that was forced to land in China.
Come on folks, don't be fooled. They hate us too. I think this country is
getting setup. I think we are being setup by Pakistan, China and every other
country with which our relations were poor. I firmly believe that if we
ignore the world's cry for proof of guilt or if we doctor up our proof, or
if we act to quickly when it comes to war, than we are going to come out of
this with a lot more enemies then when we went in.

BTW - I have not been able to sleep well for the past 10 days. It all began
when I got sick on Saturday (The Saturday before the attacks). I think I
mentioned in a previous post that I had caught a virus. Well I think I
finally licked the virus but am currently suffering from and taking
medication for a bad cough, possibly bronchitis. To top it all of, I am
relying on cigarettes more and more which does not help my struggle to get
healthy.

Today, I am numb. Both physically and mentally. I'm not feeling so depressed
today. Just tired, almost worn out. Its only Tuesday but it feels likes Ive
been working for weeks at a time without a day off. I guess I am fortunate
even then. I mean, Ive worked an extra hour or two each day last week but
yesterday I was able to leave here on time. I believe I will be able to do
the same today. So, considering everything that is going on, I have been
capable of working a fairly normal schedule. I seem to be getting quadruple
the normal amount of work done during the day but everything else (not
immediately related to the past week) has fallen by the way side, at least
for now.

I have tried to come to understand why I have had this guilty feeling about
my own feelings lately. I have guessed a few things. I can only come up with
this one. Me personally, I have never been a lover of life. I was never
happy with the way my life has gone. I was never convinced that I should be
grateful for anything. I always welcomed death. I convinced myself that what
ever comes after this life (If anything at all) has to be better than this.
Its a shame. I feel like most of the Twin Tower victims must have loved
their lives. Must have truly been happy. I think I feel as though they did
not deserve this, that it would have been more justified for me to perish in
the place of anyone in or around those buildings. But alas, death has passed
me by and chose someone else to take my place for now. I'm in no rush, I'm
patient, I know it will happen on its own sooner or later. But I am
disgusted with this world we live in. I will be one of the first in line to
leave this God forsaken planet forever. But until that day comes, I will be
here for those who care. For those who want and for those who depend on my
very heartbeat to continue beating.

I myself am guilty of causing so much pain to my fellow inhabitants.
Everything from self-abuse to the mental abuse of others. Guilty of falling
in love with life. Of falling in love with everything. In falling in love
with others, those of whom I had no business falling in love with. As if I
could help it, as if love is something reserved for the selfish. I have
since buried those feelings as they caused too much pain to those who have
fallen in love with me. I have since decided that maybe its not love at all,
that maybe, instead of love, I need to learn to respect others feelings. To
limit any sign of affection to those that I have chosen, or those who have
chosen me. There was once a time when I loved all things. When I felt my
calling was coming to life. When I believed in nothing but love for all
things and the freedom to express that love. In that time, I have never
caused more pain to humanity up until the present. This world is not ready
for me. I am not willing to love and hurt at the same time. I will not love
where love can not be returned. I will be selfish. Forever more.

I hope I can begin to fall asleep and remain sleeping tonight. I find myself
waking up at all different hours through out the night. I can here my own
voice as I awaken from my slumber. As if I am talking in my sleep. According
to the wife, (I have managed to wake her up on occasion) I'm moaning and
groaning in my sleep, almost speaking a language but nothing comprehensible
to her.

I think that being so tired has almost taken the worries out of me about
everything else. I have not had enough time, mentally, to feel much of
anything today. I do feel like going to sleep now and not waking up. I think
I could use that much rest.

There is so much more that I wanted to address today, but all of it escapes
me. I will not talk of death and despair today. I don't know if I will ever
talk of such things again. But of course, I will. At least I guess I will.
As for now, I must sign off for today because even as I type this I am
beginning to bore myself.

Sincerely yours, forever Bob's,

The Reverend Sinphaltimus Exmortus
First Ever Digital Church of Mind Slack
http://www.Digital-Church.com
A Totally Independent Clench of
The Church of the SubGenius
P.O.Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
Send $1 and S.A.S.E. for more info
or visit
www.subgenius.com
or email
RevSExmortus@nyc.rr.com
or die pink
or kill me
"Exterminate all rational thought" W.S.B.
PRABOB

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Original file name: 09.18.01 - converted on Monday, 24 September 2001, 21:28