Stang-Goblin Interview Pt. 2

. . . make up something like that. SubGeniuses can't bear to be around each
other, much less a bunch of people who all believe the same thing. That's
the built in fail safe by the nature of the SubGeniuses. That's why the
concept of clenches or SubGenius covens never work. We found that out real
quick. That was a real dumb move on the part of me and Philo Drummond.

GM: That's where Zen comes in? If you take yourself too seriously you're not
it. IS: I feel sorry for the earnest young SubGenius who believes the wrong
lies. Their hopes are all in the wrong place for the church. But boy are
they fun to deprogram. It's cruel, I hate to admit it.

GM: For people who don't understand Slack I was wondering if you [Image]
could define it. Is it like taking the maximum pleasure from all you
do, whether it's work or play?

IS: By definition you either fully understand what "Bob's" talking about or
you are forever doomed to be clueless. But some people want maximum pain. It
would be so different for each person it would be impossible to pin it down.
For one thing it's useless as a religious commodity, it loses its mystery.
Sure it's happiness, freedom and perfect luck, but at the same time you
could be groveling in some cell and being tortured by evil sheriffs and
somehow have Slack. I saw an on-line debate on that just the other day going
back and forth about whether it was derived from stuff you did, or just a
state of mind; and I'm sittin' there going "look at these guys trying to
count angels dancing on the head of a pin."

GM: It's like Dungeons and Dragons dudes working out their Magic scene.

IS: They're working it out. The best thing would be if they came to the
X-Day drills which is not a show, it's SubGeniuses wandering around
occasionally grabbing the P.A. to do some impromptu madness. They get a
chance to get their heads knocked in by Doctor Legume when they start
talking that way.

GM: Isn't Slack like taste, where you're either born with an intuition or
you're not, and it's your cruel fate if you're not. There are a lot of nice
people who are lumbering like Raccoons into the area of these things and
trying to do the best for themselves but they don't have a clue. It's

IS: It's too bad. Present company excluded. We're trying to be polite, we
wouldn't want to run off any potential customers. Sometimes I think they
might be better off at the old Presbyterian Church. Although I must say it's
pretty cheap to be a SubGenius, if you bought one of everything you wouldn't
spend more than three hundred bucks.

We're selling two paradises for thirty bucks! Plus you get one after you're
dead if you can live to 1998. You can get to decide when you die if you make
it to '98, for thirty bucks! And a triple your money back guarantee if you
don't get the eternal salvation. I don't see how anyone could worry about it
-- you spend the thirty bucks and you're saved! It does all happen to be
literally true but even if it isn't -- so what? Some people think it's a
bunch of silly losers, other think its a brilliant art, and some other
people are just plain saved, washed in the pee of "Bob," have killed "Bob"
in their heart many times and have achieved Slack. Not perfect Slack but at
least they know what they're missing.

GM: I see people working their asses off day after day, and I think, God
damn, there has to be something you can do, give them some peace or

IS: Yeah, you can take their money. If they're Pink they deserve their fate.
There's an old joke: What do you do if you see a Pink drowning in quick
sand? Answer: Throw him his wife and children.

GM: I'm afraid we have the same opinion. We call them yuppies.

IS: I would not be presumptuous enough to brand an individual as Pink. It's
better to just sweepingly call people you don't like Pinks. Because you
can't really judge people by their looks. You can say those yuppies are bad,
but technically many SubGenius are young upwardly mobile professionals --
they may even drive fancy cars and listen to insipid music but who cares? If
they have the Hate, 'cause sooner or later that Hate is going to come out;
and if nothing else they're going to become termites to the foundation --
part of the rot. They may not be a Conspiracy fightin' SubGenius on the
surface but at least they're part of the rot mold at the beams that hold the
whole hideous structure.

[Image] GM: It seems like we're at the end of the Roman Empire. We had a
glorious time and now it's all rotting and falling down, everything
is collapsed.

IS: No, that's what the Church Of the Subgenius is for, to be the next
Conspiracy. We don't want to just tear things down without building them up.
We just want to build them up in the image of "Bob." The leader who's never
present, pays no attention, and makes no rules at all. Of course it would
just turn into tribal cheifdoms fighting back and forth but it would be kind
of a change.

GM: Is there a difference between Anarchy and Bobbism? With Anarchy people
do their own thing and follow their personal bliss and bullshit.

IS: Then you have to say no, I won't do it. It's like the correct answer to
Timothy Leary's constant thing about question authority: Why? There's only
one political party for the true Subgenius and that's
Patriopsychoticanarchomateralism. Which is psychotically patriotic to your
own country but your own country is your yard and you're the king. In my
case Mom is probably king and queen of the checkbook. And I had these two
serfs but they turned into teenagers. But I've got these two dogs and
they're the serfs. Under Patriopsychoticanarchomateralism if we didn't like
our neighbor we'd declare war against our neighbor, and convince enough
people to gang up on him then we'd win. Or if he had a bigger gun then he'd
win. In theory everyone would just leave each other alone and get along. But
we all know human beings would never behave that way. Maybe 10,000 years
from now we will if we evolve back up to the tool using stage.

GM: I think we're in an uncomfortable evolutionary phase between being pig
shit asshole apes and an evolved species.

IS: It's an interesting but tricky position.

GM: We have to struggle between our intelligent Yeti side and our barbarian

IS: They had a bigger brain but that doesn't always mean more intelligent.
In this case the Yeti's were more intelligent. The reason the Neanderthals
didn't leave more artifacts behind is because they didn't need them. They
were able to teleport mammoths from one place to another and that didn't
leave much record. And they didn't really get wiped out, a lot of them
interbred and ran away. Of course Neanderthals are nothing but very watered
down Yeti. A true full bloodied Yeti is nine feet tall and smells like a
sulfur mine.


GM: Is Bigfoot a Yeti? Should I breed with Bigfoot? [Image]

IS: Yes. Bigfoots are like teenagers on a joy ride. They show up, go "boo,
look what I'm going to do to these funny humans." The humans all run around
and write funny articles about them.

GM: Is that the root of Pinkness? The difference between Neanderthal; and

IS: Yeah, the Cro-magnon were invented by the Yetis in labs 80 million years
ago. Then the damned space God JHVH-1 got disgusted with all of the Yetis
and teleported all of these lab rats straight to about 100,000 years ago to
what we call modern day human beings. They were Cro-magnon men running
around screwing everything up for the Yeti. It's a very complicated story.
But it boils down to the Yetis, our ancestors, invented the Conspiracy in a
lab just for yucks. They were so prideful they didn't think the little
experiment would get out of hand. But they didn't take into account the
rat-like, roach like nature of the humans they brewed up.

GM: There was a meteor that barely missed the earth and new studies of the
dark side of the moon show that we're constantly being bombarded with
meteors. I think the Church Of the SubGenius should lobby to have something
in space to deflect the asteroids. So "Bob" could truly save us.

IS: There was a SubGenius here in Dallas who was collecting donations for
something called the laser project but all he was able to build was bunch of
tin cans and a flashlight out in a field somewhere. What he was really
trying to do was signal JHVH-1 to call off the asteroids. We've got worse
things to think about though, the worst thing an asteroid is going to do is
destroy all the life. If the Yacatismo happen to get here before the Xists
do you'd be a brain in a tank somewhere praying for an earthquake. It would
be a lot worse than death.

GM: We all trust scientists to tell us everything is okay but they really
don't know. IS: Frightenin' thought, ain't it? Makes it hard to sleep at
night unless you have "Bob's" warm Slack wrapped around you. You know when
you have that membership card in your pocket that if the rupture happened
early you'd be ready.

GM: "Bob" will forgive us.

IS: "Bob" doesn't forgive because he doesn't think our sins are worth
forgiving, but he does excuse. He can't forgive because he doesn't have that
good of connections but boy does he have one hell of an excuse.


Issue Seven

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