SubG FAQ #8 Can I marry people?

By: Rev Bevilacqua
Sacred Business Manager

"Can I legally marry people now that I am ordained in the
Church of the SubGenius?"

This unfortunately does not have a simple yes or no
answer; it all depends on your state. The shocking truth is that
none of the 50 states could give a 2 fucks of a praire squid
whether you're ordained or not. In many states you can be
married by (and sometimes even to) your cousin or any drunk off
the street. We are, of course, talking here about legal
Conspiracy Marriages; the ones worrying most Normals from
whom you will be scaming a preachers fee.

" So what is the Conspiracy concerned about? "

First, that the individuals to be married have paid the
proper fee to the proper Conspiracy Court and obtained a
Marriage License. This is the beautiful moment when, after
waiting for 3 hours your numbered ticket is called. Then you
and your true love walk hand in hand across the scuffed tiled
floor, in morgue like silence, to the glass partition, slide the cash
to the Government Zombie, sign the paperwork , and ... "thank
you, have a nice day, number 72 please." That's it, as far as the
State is concerned, once the paper work goes through, you're
married. Now for a SubGenius that false ceremony in itself is
considered to be the most lovely part of The Deed and many
decide to consummate the Conspiracy Marriage in the Court
House parking lot. For Pinks this lacks romance. It's not the
perfect fairy tale marriage the Conspiracy force feeds to them
though daytime TV, hack novels and Barbie Dolls. So they lie to
themselves and pretend that they are not really married until
some grand performance ensues which involves giving even
more money to various Conspiracy collaborators, who in turn
use the millions to perpetuate the myth of a traditional wedding.
For everyone knows the more elaborate and expensive the
wedding, the more meaningful and lasting the relationship.

"But doesn't a priest or some holy person have to sign
something too?"

That's the second thing. To help perpetuate the
Ceremony Myth, many States require a signature from a
"minister". Who this "minister" needs to be, or if he needs to
be at all, depends on State Law. Sometimes it can be anyone, no
one, or other times it needs to be a properly certified person. Are
you beginning to see the light?

"So what if I need to be certified by my State?"

Every state is different; some require that you be a
"legal minister," and/or require a fee. (Yet another way to bring
money in to the coffers.) Give the Normals everything they're
willing to pay for, even if it's their own delusions.

"Am I a "legal minister" ?"

Enter the muscular left tentacle of the Anti-Conspiracy
Demon, The other churches. As all factions of the Con work
together to keep The SubGenius down -- many States have seen
to it that it is written into law that one must be ordained by an
officially recognized religion to be certified. Let me repeat that...
it is STATE LAW that you must be a RELIGIOUS minister in a
Conspiracy RECOGNIZED religion, to be able to sign the
STATE'S paperwork legalizing a government contract. See a
problem here? You are in fact a religious leader working for the
State. Stick that in your separation of Church and State pipe and
smoke it.
The mighty Church of the SubGenius is not recognized
by the State, which is fine because the Church does not, in turn,
recognize the authority of the State! Being the world's first
Industrial Church, we pay our taxes. (Render unto Ceaser that
which is Ceasers but render unto "Bob" that which is "Bob's"
:Ecronomicon 56:1) And for this reason, we are not considered
a recognized religion. If you can see through the opaque sheet
of hypocrisy and bullshit of all this, you need to run for office.
But don't worry -- "Bob", master of loop holes, has
found a slackful way around the whole catch-23.

"Oh tell me "Bob" how can I stick it to the Man?"

One fun thing to do is to send a copy of your
SubGenius wallet card or ordination papers to the State.
Chances are the grunt worker will only notice that it looks
official, and send you the marriage license. This is great because
many times they will print your religious affiliation on the
certificate. You can frame it and bask in the glow of the blinding
rays of Conspiracy idiocy. Fun, yes. Legal, no. You may find
your divorced "friends" hauling your ass to court saying their
marriage was never legal in the first place because of YOU.
Make sure you wear your "Bob" T-shirt and try to get press
coverage. We'll deny everything.
To cover yourself "Bob" has created an outreach
program called the Universal Life Church.

"So what is the ULC and what can they do for me?"

The Universal Life Church sees things the way we do
and believes that we have the right to worship and practice how
we see fit regardless of the State. So these great people and true
SubGenii went through the hassle of getting all the necessary
papers, and recognition to be a Conspiracy approved Church, so
you don't have to. The ULC is the SubGeniuses muscular left
tenticle, and it has punched serious holes into the Conspiracy's
Master Plan.
The ULC will give you a State approved legal
certificate, recognizing your Official Ministry in whatever
religion you choose, be it SubGenius, OTO, Satanism, or
toadstool worship. They don't care, and it's free! Their motto is
"We stand between you and your state, not you and your God".
You can do it right now online, or send in a request. I
recommend you send a donation, but you don't have to. After
you do this you're covered on all sides. You can open a Church,
have bingo games, marry people, get discount bus fare, all with
the blessing of the Government, and all in the name of "Bob"
(and of course the great freedom fighters at ULC.)

"Give me the address!" (on line ordainment)

601 Third Street
Modesto, CA 95351

They also provide the service of telling you what your
State will require for marriages, and the offices you must contact.

"Fuck The Conspiracy! I'll never give them one cent, and fall
prey to their manipulation. The only true marriage is one that
is approved by "Bob" and The Church of the SubGenius. All
else is an empty lie!!!!"

Now you get it. By being an Ordained Minister of the
Church of the SubGenius, you can officially marry anyone, to
any person, thing, object or even themselves. We authorize
Short Duration Personal Marriages, which can last for fragments
of seconds or into the afterlife. Want to marry your pets, your
wallet, your computer, yourself !? You now have the power.
"Bob" grants it with every paid ordainment. This is the only
TRUE and PURE marriage; recognized by no one except
yourself and "Bob". And if you need some lousy piece of
Conspiracy bullshit paper to feel true love, then you deserve
every thing you're going to get. Show me one happy
Conspiracy marriage, just one. You can't, because they are built
upon a shifty foundation of lies. The SubGenius marriage is
based entirely on whatever truth you've chosen for yourself at
this moment. There is no such thing as a SubGenius divorce,
because like any good capitalist product, they are built NOT TO
Still happy? Get Married again. Bored? It's over. Get
married everyday, honeymoon everynight! It's up to you. We
are not stupid! Monogamy is a lie! Yourare SubGenius: Homo
superior. It's time to stop acting like the monkeys They want
you to believe you are. You are Yeti -- for God's sake start acting
like one. Marry your right hand. Marry your wallet. Marry a
Hostess twinkie. As long as you believe in it, it will be the most
fulfilling and profitable marriage on this sick Pink infested planet
of complainers!

"Hell yes! I hear ya! I am free! Let me give you some money!"

Praise Fucking "Bob". You ARE free brother, but not everything
in life is, and you have only 2 choices. Give your money to help
the Machine continue to oil it's SubGenius Hate Tank, or strike a
blow by helping us construct the biggest god-damn monkey
wench the world has ever seen!

Membership, Ordainment, FistScription $30.00

Official Short Duration Marriage Ceremony, with Marriage
Certificate: $3.00

Donations Accepted.

On line SD Marriages:

Check, Money Order : The SubGenius Foundation

Send to:
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214

Credit Cards Toll free Order Line 1(888)669-2323

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