Brag of the Frontier SubGenius

From: Richard Drushel <>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Jun 23, 2000 6:42 AM
Message-ID: <8ivm0e$hab$>

Here's a genuine brag by Davy Crockett, Frontier SubGenius. Source:
"Davy Crockett's Almanac, of Wild Sports in the West, Life in the Backwoods,
& Sketches of Texas," Vol. I., No. 3., 1837, p. 40. Nashville, Tennessee:
Published by the heirs of Col. Crockett.



Mr. Speaker.

Who--Who--Whoop--Bow--Wow--Wow--Yough. I say, Mr. Speaker; I've had
a speech in soak this six months, and it has swelled me like a drowned horse;
if I don't deliver it I shall burst and smash the windows. The gentleman
from Massachusetts [Mr. Everett] talks of summing up the merits of the
question, but I'll sum up my own. In one word I'm a screamer, and have got
the roughest racking horse, the prettiest sister, the surest rifle and the
ugliest dog in the district. I'm a leetle the savagest crittur you ever
_did_ _see_. My father can whip any man in Kentucky, and I can lick my
father. I can outspeak any man on this floor, and give him two hours start.
I can run faster, dive deeper, stay longer under, and come out drier, than
any _chap_ this side of the big _Swamp_. I can outlook a panther and outstare
a flash of lightning, tote a steamboat on my back and play at rough and
tumble with a lion, and an occasional kick from a _zebra_. To sum up all in
one word, _I'm_ _a_ _horse_. Goliath was a pretty hard colt but I could choke
him. I can take the rag off--frighten the old folks--astonish the natives--
and beat the Dutch all to smash--make nothing of sleeping under a blanket of
snow--and don't mind being frozen more than a rotten apple.

Congress allows _lemonade_ to the members and has it charged under
the head of stationery--I move also that _whiskey_ be allowed under the item
of _fuel_. For _bitters_ I can suck away at a noggin of aquafortis, sweetened
with brimstone, stirred with a lightning rod, and skimmed with a hurricane.
I've soaked my head and shoulders in Salt River, so much that I'm always
corned. I can walk like an ox, run like a fox, swim like an eel, yell like
an Indian, make love like a mad bull, and swallow a Mexican whole without
choking if you butter his head and pin his ears back.

Richard F. Drushel, Ph.D. | "Aplysia californica" is your taxonomic
Department of Biology, Slug Division | nomenclature. / A slug, by any other
Case Western Reserve University | name, is still a slug by nature.
Cleveland, Ohio 44106-7080 U.S.A. | -- apologies to Data, "Ode to Spot"

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