Rev. Trunk o'funk's Subgenius news filter (similar to Jive, Valspeak, etc)

From: revtrunkofunk@yahoo.com (Reverend Trunk o' funk)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sun, Feb 17, 2002

Ok, so I lied. Here's a revision of the subgenius filter. Anyone have
the skill or will to make a web version? For now, I suppose, you'll
have to be content piping a text-browser like Lynx through the filter.
Or copy-paste articles, save the files, and run them through the
filter. It would be nice to have a web version for all the non-Perl
folk out there.

I hope some of y'all mutants out there enjoy the durn thing. Let me
know if you like it. It works best on news propaganda from CNN and
company.

All Best Slack,

Rev. Trunk o' Funk

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
# slack.pl
#########################################################################################
## Unofficial SubGenius News Filter - Version 0.40 by Rev. Trunk o'
Funk
## No copyright claimed. Improve as you like. Distribute freely and
widely.
##
## Usage: slack.pl < input.txt > output.txt
########################################################################################

while (<>) {filter($_);}

sub filter {
$_=shift;

## Adjectives / Adverbs

s/ real / surreal /g;
s%corporate%glorporate%g;
s%Corporate%Glorporate%g;
s%Honorable%Dishonorable%g;
s%former%DUMB-ASS former%g;
s%Republicans%Republipinks%g;
s%republican %republipink %g;
s%Republican%Republipink%g;
s%Democrat %Demoglorp %g;
s%Democrats%Demoglorps%g;
s%democrats%demoglorps%g;
s%presidential %dictatorial %g;
s%political %CONTEMPTIBLE %g;
s% good % double-plus good %g;
s/serious /silly /g;
s/great /SUPER-DUPER /g;
s/religious/superstitious/g;
s%patriotism%brain-dead jingoism%g;
s%patriotic%jingoistic%g;
s/economic /despotic /g;
s/ honest / DISHONEST /g;

## Nouns and stuff

s/rights/doodads/g;
s/rights/Doodads/g;
s/language /GIBBERISH /g;
s/Bible/Babble/g;
s/WASHINGTON/BABYLON/gi;
s/NEW YORK/SODOM/gi;
s/truths/LIES/g;
s/powers/Siddhis/gi;
s/children/NORMIES/g;
s/weapon /POTATO /g;
s/weapon\./potato\./g;
s/weapons/potatoes/g;
s/message/PROPAGANDA campaign/g;
s/violence/SLACK/g;
s/negotiations/PISSING MATCHES/g;
s/peace /ARMAGEDDON /gi;
s/peaceful/bellicose/g;
s/everyone/every PINK/g;
s/international/conspiratorial/g;
s/International/Conspiratorial/g;
s/ times / End Times /g;
s/employer/slave driver/g;
s/employee/slave/g;
s/concern /an utter LACK of concern /g;
s/candidate/Manchurian candidate/g;
s/terrorism/SLACK/g;
s/terror /SLACK /g;
s/terror\./SLACK /g;
s/report /fib /g;
s/terrorist /Xist /gi;
s/terrorists/Xists/gi;
s/american people/Pinkdom/gi;
s/one people/PINKS/g;
s/people/mutants/g; ## pinks?
s/legislation/bamboozlement/g;
s/sex/DEVIANT sex/g;
s/mediation/excremeditation/g;
s/congressman/CON-gressman/gi;
s/Rep. /Conspirator /g;
s/legislator/gatorade-brain/g;
s%cooperation%domination%g;
s%friends%lackeys%g;
s%colleague%co-conspirator%g;
s%friend %co-conspirator %g;
s%pentagon%SECRET POLICE%gi;
s%partners%co-conspirators%g;
s%democracy%conspiratocracy%g;
s%Democracy%Conspiratocracy%g;
s%individuals%normies%g;
s%authorities%Pinks%g;
s%missiles%doodads%g;
s%tested%altered%g;
s%soldiers%combatants%g;
s%United States%United Snakes%g;
s%america%Ah-meh-REE-kah%gi;
s%patriot %DUMB-ASS %g;
s%patriots%DUMB-ASSES%g;
s%airstrike %act of aggression %g;
s%airstrikes %acts of aggression %g;
s%Defense%Offense%gi;
s%testing%tampering%g;
s%news%PROPAGANDA%gi;
s%human%Yeti%gi;
s%speculation%GUESSING%g;
s%evidence%FLIMSY evidence%g;
s%experts%DUMB-ASSES%g;
s/Experts/KOOKS/g;
s%investigators%puddin'-heads%g;
s%specialists%gatorade-brains%g;
s%justice%TRAVESTY of JUSTICE%gi;
s%leaders%pink-boys%g;
s/leader /LOSER /gi;
s%freedom%freedom, what there is left of it...%g;
s/drugs/'Frop/g;
s/council /cartel/g;
s/Council /Cartel/g;
s/reason /un-reason/g;
s/advisor/Astrologer/gi; # Entrail-Reader?
s/adviser/Astrologer/gi;
s/world/WORLD WITHOUT SLACK/g;
s/fighters/lovers/g;
s/federal/FEUDAL/g;
s/father/SLACK DADDY/g;
s/hearing/un-hearing/g;
s/the trial/"The Trial"/gi;
s/prosecutor/Inquisitor/gi;
s/happiness/SLACK/g;
s/mankind/the Yeti/g;
s%Officials%Pink-boys%g;
s%officials%pink-boys%g;
s%teacher %slack guru %g;
s%attorneys%slack-vampires%g;
s/attorney /chupacabra/g;
s%marriage%short-duration marriage%g;
s%money%'Frop%g;
s/scientists/doktors for "Bob"/g;
s%executives %conspirators %g;
s%executive %conspirator %g;
s%God%"Bob"%g;
s%faith%superstition%g;
s%Faith%Superstition%g;
s%computer %X-ist Supercomputer %g;
s%computers %X-ist Supercomputers %g;
s%house%Bob's Slacktime Funhouse%g;
s%People%PINKS%g;
s%woman%Connie%g;
s% man % normie %g;
s% men % Pinks %g;
s% thing % conspiracy %g;
s% things% conspiracies%g;
s% person % Pink-boy %g;
s%girl%pink-in-training%g;
s%President%King%g;
s%president%dictator%g;
s%Senator %Senator and Pink-boy %g;
s%government %conspiracy %g;
s%governments%conspiracies%g;
s%minister%gatorade-brain%g;
s%Minister%Gatorade-brain%g;
s%judge%gatorade-brain%g;
s%Judge%Gatorade-brain%g;
s%Corp.%Glorp.%g;
s%corporation%glorporation%g;
s%Corporation%Glorporation%g;
s%CEO%CEO and head Pink-boy%g;
s%something%something for NOTHING%g;
s%information%disinformation%g;
s/Information/Disinformation/g;
s%politics%shennanigans%g;
s%Congress%CON-gress%g;
s%spokesman%liar%g;
s% team % cabal %g;
s%teamwork%collusion%g;
s%education %re-education %g;
s%important%IMPORTANT%g;
s%administration%CABAL%g;
s%Administration%CABAL%g;
s% eye % third eye %g;
s%doctor%doktor%g;
s%agenda%nefarious agenda%g;
s%brother%space brother%g;
s% plane % astral plane %g;
s% CIA % SECRET POLICE %g;
s%security%INSECURITY%g;
s%Security%INSECURITY%g;
s%intelligence%ignorance%g;
s%Intelligence%Ignorance%g;
s%Committee%Cabal%g;
s%committee%cabal%g;
s% war % JIHAD %g;
s% War % CRUSADE %g;
s%shareholders%Ponzi scheme participants%g;
s%lawyer %SLACK VAMPIRE %gi;
s%lawyers%SLACK VAMPIRES%gi;
s/evil/liver/g;
s/Evil/Liver/g;
s/stock market/ponzi scheme/g;
s/Ash/Ass/g;
s/Dr. /Doktor /g;
s/Mr. /Pinkboy /g;
s/Jesus/GEE-Zus/g;
s/Lord/Lard/g;
s/ trip / junket /g;
s/governor/Proconsul/gi;

## Verbs

s/saying/PRETENDING/g;
s/talking/LYING/g;
s/supporting/SUBVERTING/g;
s/convince /brainwash/g;
s/convinced/hoodwinked/g;
s%relax %excremediate%g;
s%relaxation%excremeditation%g;
s%said%fibbed%g;
s%smoking%smoking 'Frop%g;
s%testify%LIE under oath%g;
s%testified%fibbed%g;
s%spoke %ranted %g;
s%listen %listen, little Pink %g;
s% plans % plots %g;

## Misc
s/yes/HELL YEAH/gi;
s/no,/FUCK no,/gi;

## Phrases

## Endings
#s%ng %n' %g;

## Gratuitous Phrase Add-ons / Punctuation

s%!%. Praise Bob!!!%g;
s/:/: $GET SLACK!$ /g;

s%([a-b]\.)%$1 Or kill me\!%g;
s%([e-f]\.)%$1 Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.%g;
s%([i-j]\.)%$1 Quit your job and SLACK OFF!%g;
s%([m-n]\.)%$1 Or triple your money back.%g;

#s%([q-r]\.)%$1 Listen, little Pink.%g; ## problems with "Mr." if
used...

s%([u-v]\.)%$1 GET SLACK!%g;
s%([y-z]\.)%$1 GET SLACK!%g;

## Gratuitous UPPERCASING of words / kookifier
s%nobody%NOBODY%g;
s/weeks/WEEKS/g;
s%much%MUCH%g;
s/days/DAYS/g;
s/months/MONTHS/g;
s/not /NOT /g;
s/might /MIGHT /g;

## End of Substitutions...
print;
}
1;

## End of Script
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: revtrunkofunk@yahoo.com (Reverend Trunk o' funk)

Here's what version 0.40 of the filter did to the beginning of the
decl. of independence:

"When, in the course of Yeti events, it becomes necessary for PINKS to
dissolve the CONTEMPTIBLE bonds which have connected them with
another, and to assume among the Siddhis of the earth, the separate
and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's "Bob"
entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the Yeti requires
that they should declare the causes which impel them to the
separation. Or triple your money back."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

In article <82aaad7d.0202171400.2fa6b10f@posting.google.com>,
revtrunkofunk@yahoo.com says...
>Ok, so I lied. Here's a revision of the subgenius filter.

Um, you need a new module. You left out the K3vain filter. I know it'll be hard
because he's such a LITTLE shit.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Nine-Inch Brain: Pretty Pope Machine

"It was news to her that people
keep goats in their kitchens,
throw soiled Pampers out car windows and
use the ditch beside the road
for the family Maytag."
- P. J. O'Rourke

"I've seen her go through
bake sale brownies like a wood chipper."
- "King of the Hill"

"Oh BOY, buffalo testicles!"
- Homer
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: revtrunkofunk@YAHOO.COM (Reverend Trunk o' funk)

Arbane the Terrible <arbane@attbi.com> wrote in message news:<%d4c8.4322
> Very neat!
> > s/mankind/the Yeti/g;
> > s%Officials%Pink-boys%g;
> I know little about Perl. Is there a difference between these two?

Thanks. There's no functional difference. Dull, tedious, (Bucky)
fuller explanation follows:

In Perl "regular expressions" (text matching engine), you can use
either forward slashes or percent signs for separating characters. The
convention in Perl, or at least in most of the code I've seen, is to
use forward slashes. The lowercase "g" means global - make this
substitution as many times as you see it in one line. Lowercase "i"
means make a case-insensitive match.

A little history. First, there was the hilarious filter "Jive." This
transformed regular speech into rap-speak. It was written in an
obscure (from my perspective) language called Lex. Eventually someone
converted it to Perl and chose to use percent symbols for separating
characters (AKA "delimiters.") I saw the Perl port, stripped it down,
and used it as the foundation for my Subgenius filter. Went with the
other guy's "%" usage at first, then switched forward slashes. I
should make everything be %'s.

I'm trying to do a Scientology filter as well but am running out of
ideas for word substitutions. Here's what I've got so far:

## Nouns / Pronouns

s/christian/Scientologist/gi;
s/politics/Dianetics/g;
s/husband/Scientologist/gi;
s/wife/Scientologist/gi;
s/Human /Preclear /g;
s/human /preclear /g;
s/child /preclear /g;
s/people/raw meat/g;
s/People/Raw meat/g;
s/God /L-Ron /g;
s/god /L-Ron /g;
s/soul /Thetan /gi;
s/organization/Org/gi;
s/terrorist/Supressive Person/gi;
s/person /Supressive Person /gi;
s/test /personality test /g;
s/technology/"tech"/g;
s/Technology/"Tech"/g;
s/Enron/L. Ron/gi;
s/ man / preclear /g;
s/ men / preclears /g;
s/policy/Fair Game policy/gi;
s/device/E-meter/g;
s/image /engram/g;
s/memory/engram/g;
s/upset/enturbulated/g;
s/beliefs/implants/g;
s/president /Operating Thetan /gi;
s/prime minister/Operating Thetan/gi;
s/freedom/Bridge to Total Freedom/gi;
s/psychiatrist /Enemy of Mankind/gi;
s/thief/squirrel/g;

## Verbs

s/will appear/will exteriorize/g;
s/attacked/dead-agented/g;
s/investigating/dead-agenting/g;
s/stole /squirreled /g;
s/fly/exteriorize/g;
s/plead the fifth/disconnect/gi;

## Punctuation

s%([a-b]\?)%$1 Would you like to take a personality test\?%g;
s%([e-f]\?)%$1 Have you lived before this life\?%g;
s%([i-j]\?)%$1 Do you have any traumatic memories\?%g;
s%([m-n]\?)%$1 Have you read "Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental
Health"\?%g;
s%([q-r]\?)%$1 Would you like to take a personality test\?%g;
s%([u-v]\?)%$1 Have you lived before this life\?%g;
s%([y-z]\?)%$1 Do you like to kill preclears\?%g;

All Best Slack,

Rev. Trunk o' funk
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

revtrunkofunk@YAHOO.COM (Reverend Trunk o' funk) hunched over a
computer, typing feverishly;
thunder crashed, revtrunkofunk@YAHOO.COM (Reverend Trunk o' funk)
laughed madly, then wrote:

>Arbane the Terrible <arbane@attbi.com> wrote in message news:<%d4c8.4322
>> Very neat!
>> > s/mankind/the Yeti/g;
>> > s%Officials%Pink-boys%g;
>> I know little about Perl. Is there a difference between these two?
>
>
>Thanks. There's no functional difference. Dull, tedious, (Bucky)
>fuller explanation follows:
>
>In Perl "regular expressions" (text matching engine), you can use
>either forward slashes or percent signs for separating characters. The
>convention in Perl, or at least in most of the code I've seen, is to
>use forward slashes. The lowercase "g" means global - make this
>substitution as many times as you see it in one line. Lowercase "i"
>means make a case-insensitive match.
>

perl regular expressions make my brane hurt.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

Great News: Ignorance Is Still Bliss

Sig by Kookie Jar 5.98d http://go.to/generalfrenetics/

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Original file name: Re- Rev. Trunk o'funk's Subgeni - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:06