25 signs you've "grown up"

Date: Thu, Jan 17, 2002 3:38 PM

From: modemac@modemac.com (Modemac)

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a
one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup
and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going
to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't
apply to you!


From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

26. You can send "Bob" $30 and still cover the rent.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Next Big Fad: Aroma Therapy for Necrophiliacs

"Well, to be fair I did have
a couple of gadgets he probably didn't,
like a teaspoon and an open mind."
- The Doctor

"So maybe I'm over-thinkin' it,
but hey, its what I do."
-Bill Hicks, "Arizona Bay"

"Why is it so hard?"
"Because its a white piece of paper."
- "The West Wing"


From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

1. You sigh and say "whatever", not to be smart,
but because you're too damn tired to argue about it.

2. You stop wishing your genitalia were something
they aren't, and are just glad that you don't have
to use them for a living.

3. Same with your brain. And talent. And lower

4. Liver & onions aren't half bad if properly
cooked. Trouble is, most people don't know how to
cook them.

5. Doesn't anybody know how to make a dry martini?

6. This (whatever) is just too fucking sweet.

7. You have no motivation whatsoever to eat stuff
that is painfully spicy or causes gastric upset.

8. You know the difference between various types of
fine wines, cigars, and enemas.

9. Tough it out? The hell with that. Give me
Novacaine. Lots of Novacaine.

10. Hey! You kids! Off the lawn!

11. Snow sucks.

12. Why should I do it myself when there are so many
enthusiastic workers in the world I can pay to do it?

13. You will vote for anyone who will lower the capital
gains tax.

14. You think it's funny as hell when you see young
men wearing baggy pants with boxer shorts sticking out
the top and their baseball cap on backwards, and you
think of a drill sergeant kicking the snot out of them.

15. The public execution of villains is not as repugnant
an idea as it used to be.

16. You ponder whether medical marijuana will help your
ouchy places. Who cares if you get high?

17. You get *real* mercenary when contemplating the
opposite sex.

18. You realize that you will never have as many dogs
or cats in your life that you want.

19. You are probably going to do pretty much what you
do now for the rest of your life. But less everything.

20. When someone young and cute smiles at you, your
first thought is to check your fly.

21. If it wasn't for teevee, you would go to sleep even
earlier. As it is, you still haven't seen "The Tonight
Show" in years.

22. Judging from how things have changed in your life,
your grandparents must have been born in a cave.

23. After attending a family reunion, you wonder how
many of your kin still do.

24. You can spell words like "hemorrhoid" without
thinking about them first.

25. You really appreciate the idea that a "wild" animal
is an adult, but a "domestic" animal never emotionally


From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

> 2. You stop wishing your genitalia were something
> they aren't, and are just glad that you don't have
> to use them for a living.

Yeesh, what you want to do, keep me young forever? Not that I'm
complaining, but at least let me get the gray hairs. I *like* gray

Her Ladyship Lilith

\m/ -=8=- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ -=8=- \m/


From: kconvery@ioma.com (The Bishop)

You old codgers are creeping me out.


From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>

> You old codgers are creeping me out.

Huh, you think THAT'S bad. Wait until you look down one day and see that your
nipples are around your knees, like Wilford Brimley's. Its even worse for the
girls. YOUR time will come, you little quisling! EIEIEIEI!!

It takes leather balls to play rugby and a leather heart to be a politician,
but it takes a leather BRAIN to be a SubGenius. Just ask GGGordon. PRAISE "Bob!"

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
Creator of the Teleporting Cat Box

"...and always remember
the last words of my grandfather,
who said 'A truck!'..."
- Emo Philips

"If you want to know what God thinks of money,
just look at the people He gave it to."
- Dorothy Parker

"You cannot drink
the cup of the Lord
and the cup of demons."
- I Corinthians 10:20


From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

> You old codgers are creeping me out.

Just you wait, kid, just you wait. I laughed too. Actually the young
Modemac and sprightly Nu-monet are toning the reality of it all DOWN
quite a bit, to make it believeable, even comprehensible to youths.

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