A Rant by My Sister

Date: Mon, Apr 8, 2002 2:27 PM

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

This is by my little sister, aka C-! the RubGenius, quoted in one of
books as saying "Someday I will be a large sore," which is now coming
true. Since she is a Southern Baptist she does not usually rant for
SubGenius publication -- in fact, she is too foul-mouthed and gross
even for many of US -- but she sent me this one because it is a true
and heartfelt rant.

Aunti Christian will be interested to know that when I had kids, C-!
became Aunti-C-!

Anyway here is her rant.

*******

I wanted to warn YOU and YOUR unsuspecting friends about a conspiracy.
This is not a conspiracy theory, for I have witnessed the insidiousness
MYSELF. I know who THEY are and what THEY want. THEY want to create a
perfect race. THEY are the designers and pakagers of things. I first
noticed this with migraine medicines and nicotine patches. THEY believe
that by subtly making these products,( which when needed are needed PDQ
and without any further pain inflicted), almost impossible to unwrap
that THEY can drive those of US lesser creatures who must depend on
chemical enhancement (WE) insane, and eventually to OUR deaths. Do not
fear! THEY will not succeed at this treachery. Indeed, THEY are only
causing US to purchase sharper scissors and multiple pairs, as to have
them available in each room at all times. A pair in the car is helpful
also. These scissors will be used against THEM when THEIR faulty plot
is exposed.

Here are a few other products that THEY have been able to sabotage. Do
not avoid these products or boycott them in any way, this could tip
THEM off that WE know. Just have YOUR scissors ready and with YOU at
all times. Many of these products are targeted mainly at the young or
the elderly, so keep YOUR eyes open.

Any form of headache or pain meds, RX or over the counter.

Any and all forms of mental health medications.

Most forms of "convenience" foods. I.E. Slim Jims

Better brands of beer or liquor, especially those that have status and
are considered to be the only thing to drink. I.E. In Somervell
County-Smirnoff Ice. I'M sure it changes geographically, but THEY know
this.

All forms of tobacco. Ever tried to open a can of snuff?

Any child's toy or treat. The sounds and words that come from an
impatient child's mouth alone have caused many of US to leave this
world voluntarily.

CD's and portable CD players

Pens and pencils. THEY especially like it when these items are needed
by students already stressed and in a hurry.

Tampons

Condoms

Toilet paper. THEY get tricky here, not hard to open but very difficult
to find the beginning. Designed to drive the anal retentive insane

YOUR car when THEY have misplaced YOUR keys

All forms of coffee

Banks and federal offices on the day YOU most need them

Please note the downward spiral THEY create here. This is exactly what
THEY want. Go to a store for beer, nicotine, sugar, whatever. Find that
the store is not open. Try to open it. THEY have been here before YOU
because YOU cannot open it. Go back to YOUR dwelling. THEY have been
here because YOU will find the door more difficult to open than usual.
Go to the fridge for some form of comfort, THEY have been there because
YOU will find nothing of use in it. Realize that YOU are developing a
headache. Go to the medicine cabinet. See what I mean?
Please let ME know if there is anything I have missed. Any information
in this matter is helpful to US

*****

Here for the record was my answer:

WE understand your message and hope that THEY did not intercept it, or
that if THEY did, that THEY will find the email as hard to open as are
THEIR so-called "necessities" that THEY have FOISTED upon us by GIVING
us headaches and needs to begin with. As a hypoglycemic person I can
assure you that not only are POTATO CHIP BAGS and SLIM JIMS and the
like booby trapped by a degree of unopenability in direct proportion to
OUR specific level of IMMEDIATE NEED, but as a cameraman I can likewise
assure you that FRESH BLANK VIDEO TAPE CARTRIDGES and STILL CAMERA FILM
are similarly rigged, with DEMONIC clevernes and accuracy. And let US
not even TRY to *open* that can of worms, JUST-DOWNLOADED AMATEUR
PORNOGRAPHY, which by some infernal system of mind-reading is always
openable only by new-fangled just-invented-to-foil-you COMPRESSION
SCHEMES and "CODECS" that make opening a hard-sealed pill bottle look
like child's play be comparison.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

> I wanted to warn YOU and YOUR unsuspecting friends about
> a conspiracy. This is not a conspiracy theory, for I have
> witnessed the insidiousness MYSELF. I know who THEY are
> and what THEY want. THEY want to create a perfect race.
> THEY are the designers and pakagers of things. I first
> noticed this with migraine medicines and nicotine patches.
> THEY believe that by subtly making these products,( which
> when needed are needed PDQ and without any further pain
> inflicted), almost impossible to unwrap that THEY can drive
> those of US lesser creatures who must depend on chemical
> enhancement (WE) insane, and eventually to OUR deaths.

Two words: High Explosives

Or backing over it with your car. There are *darn* few
problems that cannot be solved by backing over them with
your car a few times.

Okay. More than two words.

Oh, and try the car first. A lot of people get antsy
around HE. But there *are* a few problems in life bigger
than the back tires of your car can handle. So keep it
as an option.

If that doesn't work, remember:

"If you can't mop it up, wax it in."

--
"I'm no good at being noble, kid, but it's pretty
obvious the problems of two blobs and a 'droid don't
amount to a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos."
--Kryten, from "Red Dwarf"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

I'm afraid Auntie C-! is a dupe of the Scissors Cartel. Worse, they
knew that someone might use the scissors against them one day. NOTICE
THE ROUNDED POINTS LATELY?!?

Her Ladyship Lilith

--
\m/ -=8=- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ -=8=- \m/

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Original file name: A Rant by My Sister.txt - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:08