Date: Sat, Jan 19, 2002 1:57 PM
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
(Recently, a dull business executive penned a list of
earnest advise, entitled "What do do when you're
riding
a dead horse", an analogy to bad business decisions
that
reinforce failure. I decided to rewrite it, to reflect
on the harsher realities of the non-business world.)
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING A DEAD WHORE
Wisdom in most any seaport is that when you discover
that you are fucking a dead whore, the best strategy
is
to get out of there in a hurry, and hope that no one
sees you.
However, in real life, most people are so goddamn stupid
that they try other strategies with dead whores, although
I'm not sure why.
Among the possibilities:
*Go for it. The clock is no longer running.
*Flip her over. She won't mind. To hell with a condom.
*Demand a refund from her pimp, complaining that "she's
a damned junkie who passed out on me."
*Invite in another girl with the idea of blaming her.
*Set her room on fire on your way out the door.
*See if she has any valuables lying about you can swipe.
*Sap a drunk and leave him with the corpse.
*Take her home with you. If properly refrigerated...
*Make it look like an accident in the shower.
*Leave her in a dumpster.
If any of these ideas sound remotely familiar, it's
time
to call a lawyer. No amount of CPR is going to save
that
whore, and every wasted minute that you invest in trying
to come up with a situation that is going to cover your
ass, is a minute that will instead move you closer to
a
lethal injection.
First, ask yourself if there is anybody who can identify
you at the scene. What you will usually find is that
everyone in the vicintity is a non-productive, non-
salvageable, soon-to-be-stinking-in-their-grave-anyway
mess with a yard long rap sheet that deserve nothing
more than a merciful end. Imagine how important and
valuable you are compared to them. You should be able
to off any other witnesses and put it in the "learning
experience" file with little guilt.
Second, may I suggest a little collateral damage here?
Think of the Grimm Fairy Tales. Some are perfect
examples of what is happening here. In fact, if you
know a less than reputable surgeon, you might even
consider harvesting some of the dead whores' organs.
Nobody other than an underpaid assistant Medical
Examiner is going to even notice. Or care.
Don't overlook the obvious, use it to your advantage.
If you can blame someone else, do so. Especially if
the other girls and pimp might exact revenge on them
themselves before they can leave. Some of the pathetic
efforts above just show a lack of creativity, an
inability to shift guilt to others. Remember, "Ethical
people take the fall. Honorable people take the fall.
The ignorant and the stupid *should* take the fall."
Third, demand results from those you are using as
patsies, not just excuses. If you can scare her pimp
or another john enough to get them to dispose of the
body, you are well on your way to an alibi. Especially
if they are stupid fuck-ups. Suggest dumbshit ways
for
them to do it, like "drive up to the top of a cliff,
then pour gasoline all over her and the inside of the
car. Then light the gas and drive her over the edge,
jumping out *just in time*" (Guaranteeing, of
course,
that as soon as that match is struck, the fumes will
explode.)
Finally, you should acknowledge that you fucked up by
getting a near-death whore in the first place. Do not
be too hasty to equate this mistake with failure. One
dead whore shouldn't mean you lose the farm. At the
same time Babe Ruth held the career record for home
runs (714), he also held the record for career
strikeouts (1,330), and the league record for whores
over a 7-day period (47). Henry Ford forgot to put
a
reverse gear in his first car, but saved millions by
using strike breakers to intimidate and murder unionists.
Thomas Edison once invested more than $2 Million on
political payoffs, which then went down to defeat by
an
unplanned presidential veto.
MORAL: Have no morals when dealing with dead whores,
and don't let one mistake keep you from getting back
in the saddle again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: HellPope Huey <hellpopehuey@subspamgeenyus.com>
Well obviously, you climb off and go for pizza while
your dad and
strap-on-queen sister have a turn. Peace in the family
is worth the effort.
Be kind, don't bogart the cadaverous booty.
HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
It takes leather balls to play rugby and
a leather heart to be a politician,
but it takes a leather BRAIN to be a SubGenius
"Humanity is inherently evil.
(It has something to do with opposing thumbs.)"
-Sean Scott
"Menopause hit her hard
and then dragged her for 50 yards."
- "Drew Carey"
"I think I hate the pity more than the puke."
- "The Ripping Friends"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: thereheis99@hotmail.com (Rev. Crawford)
> *Take her home with you. If properly refrigerated...
There once was a Scotsman named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
But when he was told
He'd find her too cold
He said "Think of the money I'll save!"
-C
Original file name: What to do when fucking a dead - converted on Friday, 20 September 2002, 16:08
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