Praise Sphincters!

From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Date: Mon, May 5, 2003

Pra "Bob" for the wonderful sphincter. It's because of them I can have
a nice full belly. Otherwise, I'd have to lay down flat to eat and it
would ooze out both ends, and when I stood up, it would slide right
out. Or mankind would have eventually found ways to make little ties,
like the ones that come with Baggies, perhaps even before there was
stuff like stone implements.

We'd dribble urine continuously without them. On the other hand,
without sphincters, perhaps we'd have evolved a whole NEW way of
transportation that didn't rely upon unreplenishable fuel sources. We
could have developed rounder bottoms and more mucous, and sort of slid
along on our asses. Not very dignified, indeed.

That's where there is evidence for Bob. Bob wouldn't let his chosen
people slide all over town on their glistening and relatively sore
asses, in their own slime. No. A simple sphincter in the right place
and the problem is solved.

Eventually, according to Bob's plan, the evolution of the sphincter led
to the automobile, and later, the space vehicle. Without working
sphincters, I think you'd agree that space travel would be quite
unpleasant. Not to take anything away from Bob, however...

In zero gravity, I suppose not having sphincters at all is relatively
speaking not a total disadvantage. However, the problem still remains,
it's difficult to gorge yourself when it just sort of slides out either
end. Without a sphincter, and here's proof again of Dobb's divine
intervention, one could not know that Too Much is Always Better than Not
Enough.

I'm sure that's one thing Dobbs will do to the Pinks on X day. He'll
de-evolve the sphincters of all non-members. The economy will collapse
when McDonalds no longer can sell those 44 ounce Cokes. I hope I'm not
near a Mickey D's on X day, when that happens.

All those fat kids suddenly losing their sphincters. Pieces of chewed
Big Macs floating away in a splurge of foamy post-Coke on to their Tommy
Hilfiger's. Dribbling pee all the way home.

Yessir, I'm glad I'm not Pink any more, except for purposes of earning
that filthy lucre that pays my ISP.

[*]
-----

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From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

"iDRMRSR" <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote:
> All those fat kids suddenly losing their sphincters. Pieces of chewed
> Big Macs floating away in a splurge of foamy post-Coke on to their Tommy
> Hilfiger's. Dribbling pee all the way home.

Hey, that's more ingenious than stomach stapling, and sounds a lot safer. A
weight loss pill that relaxes sphincters. Eat all you want, yous'll shit it
faster than you ate it. Doesn't matter how much yous eat, WHOOSH it's oot,
drubblin' down your troosers! And only smells like food, not farts!

Thanks, DrSister! Yet another neato way for humans to drop weight without
the inconvenience of exercise or eating less. God bless America.

alliekatt

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From: "Artemia Salina" <y2k@sheayright.com>

Alliekatt wrote:

Well that sounds good until you consider sky diving.

With relaxed (or non-existent) sphincters sky divers would whistle like
tin flutes as they fell through the air. Man, cyclists too! And people
on those falling platform rides at amusement parks! And bungey jumpers!

All that whistling would get on my nerves after a while.

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Ah, but such a dream. To shit... WHILE FLYING! Like the noble seagulls
and pigeons of the air. Such freedom! Oh, I cannot WAIT for the
Rupsture.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

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From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
> Ah, but such a dream. To shit... WHILE FLYING!
> Like the noble seagulls and pigeons of the air.
> Such freedom! Oh, I cannot WAIT for the Rupsture.

Ha! A real man STANDS UP TO SHIT.

--
"Innocence is not itself a
constitutional claim."
--Chief Justice William Rehnquist

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From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Rearranging the letters of 'The anal sphincter muscle' gives:
Clenches, thumps a latrine.
Such special enthralment!

Other related anagrams without their own page:
"Sphincter muscle" -> "It clenches rumps."
"Sphincter muscle" -> "Clutches "Mr. Penis"."

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

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From: ridetheory@yahoo.com (ignatz topolino)

iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote:
> Pra "Bob" for the wonderful sphincter.

A sphincter is a muscle that contracts in a circle. To read this
message, you are looking throught the pair of sphincters in the irises
of your eyes.

PraSphincters, indeed.

iggy topo

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From: "nu-monet v5.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

ignatz topolino wroted:
> iDRMRSR worted:
> > Pra "Bob" for the wonderful sphincter.
>
> A sphincter is a muscle that contracts in
> a circle. To read this message, you are
> looking throught the pair of sphincters in
> the irises of your eyes.
>
> PraSphincters, indeed.

A sphincter is a muscle that contracts all around,
That holds it in or helps to squeeze it out.
It shuts real tight, or it can stretch real wide,
And if you're lucky it just stays inside.

'Cause if a penis shoved up in your bum gives smiles,
It might just also give you piles.

Or would you like to get anal scars?
Take your 'rhoids home in a glass jar?
Tell your friends you "sat on a spar"?
Or Anusol in turkey baster.

--
I don't know what you're talking about.
I've never met you before in my life.
That story sounds like utter bullshit.
I wasn't there and it wasn't me.
I am *not* in denial. Shut up.
--nu-monet

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

Or better yet, http://poetry.rotten.com/weightlifter/ !

alliekatt

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Original file name: Praise Sphincters!.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05