Kook Agitation Phase Tracking Device

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Date: Tue, Sep 30, 2003

http://tycho.usno.navy.mil/vphase.html

I had good reason this morning to check and see if we're near the full
moon. We're not... but, Planet X must be in retrograde or something.
Seems like there's been snowballing agitation again in Weirdotopia. You
shoulda seen my email! The anus-mouths of their insect-shaped
typewriters are talking to them in the dark, out there. *shiver*

Not only that, but the robots are acting up. Like those cell phones and
projectors in Indianapolis, and my oven timer, which has totally lost
its mind and beeps and flashes randomly. It's probably REAL GOOD that
we don't have robot maids like the Jetsons yet, or we'd be efficiently
strangled in our sleep.

I'll admit that I've been reading a horror-fantasy-art-blackhumor novel
called "Perdido Street Station" by China Meiville, which is so well
written and so imaginative that it has crept inside my skull and has
got all the other horror fantasy book memories rattling the bars and
wanting out. I had a nightmare this morning, first one in a year or so.
Last thing I read in the book before I fell asleep was about one of the
character's bodies washing up from the river mutilated and with his
eyes torn out. My nightmare involved finding my late dog mutilated, and
then a relative with their eyes torn out, but the relative was alive
and harping at me sarcastically. I'm surprised Freddy Krueger didn't
show up dangling Nenslo artwork in front of my face while ripping it up
and cackling.

I personally am not having any problems. Aside from that beeping oven
timer. I can get another car when I NEED to. But all of the sudden, a
whole lot of my friends and SubGenius acquaintances seem to be having
some, uh, rough sailing. According to my email this morning, the
disturbed strangers are having even more. And yesterday an EVIL
PAPERBOY left a Plain Dealer newspaper on my lawn, and I made the
mistake of picking up the unwanted thing and looking at it; and of
course it was nothing but bald headed children dying of cancer, schlubs
getting shot to death in their front yards and horrendous blatant
corporate crimes. And everybody's as broke as my car. BUMMER!

Wars and rumors of wars... signs and portents... bills, bills, bills...

But, buck up, I says to myself, put a stiff chip on that upper
shoulder, straight out your back and shove up your lip, jerk yourself
off by your own bootstraps, kick the devil's butt three times from
behind, turn a circle and shout PRAISE "BOB" -- because it could be a
LOT WORSE. For instance all of this stuff could be happening to ME
instead of all these other poor bastards.

And, sooner or later, it WILL, because TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN!

YIKES!

Maybe after the horror novel I should switch back to some good old cold
hard sf. Stephen Baxter should have a new book out by now, there's the
ticket. That "Manifold" series of his was kick-fucking-ass. I've been
meaning to write up glowing recommendations about those books and also
the new Frank Miller Batman graphic novel but crap like cars and taxes
keep looming, as they in fact are this very morning. TAXES. Now that
would explain the nightmare better than anything.

However I am now TWO WEEKS AHEAD on Hour of Slack so fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke, or a Form 4868, Application for Automatic Extension
of Time to File U.S. Individual Tax Return! Hmm, maybe Time DOES wait
for some men, if they use that form. How many times can a man use it I
wonder.

Part of my problem is, for the past month I've been doing my second
favorite thing, EDITING. Video and then a whole string of Hours of
Slack. My hands are crimped up again from doing it night and day,
that's how much I love editing SubJunk. It's... FUNNY. It's... SLACK.
But my excuses for editing have been eclipsed by the need to get my
shit together. God I hate getting my shit together and taking care of
business. My list of things to do today and all week is solid
"practical." Office clerk stuff. New form letter for the membership
packs. Mail off ARISES in bulk, and folders. Swag and show mail-out.
Bills and taxes. Dealing with suppliers. JUST EXACTLY LIKE A REAL JOB.
No wonder I had a nightmare. I have to GET REAL again.
EEEEeeeeeeeEEEWW! GROSSSSSSSS!

For good news, friends, stick to the science and medicine sections.
DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT, I tell you!

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Nickie" <nickie@subgenius.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:
> And everybody's as broke as my car. BUMMER!

Yeah, we can't even afford to turn the heat on! AND the government finally
caught on to my non-tax-paying scheme, and sent me a bill. The penalty
charges? $6.66 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> For good news, friends, stick to the science and medicine sections.
> DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT, I tell you!

I knew something was up when that movie came into the store I work at,
TWICE.

-Rev. Nickie

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jarto <spam@thisaccount.com>

"Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com> wrote:
>http://tycho.usno.navy.mil/vphase.html

I don't know if I got an answer from ya in IRC, cos I was afk
nearly immediately after I asked (had a dang phone call) but did
you recieve my e-mail?

Sorry to bother you, blame the PINK MARKEY RESEARCHER THAT CALLED
AT SUCH A moment....

Hehehe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Schwann <nospamschwann@webtrance.co.!za> wrote:
> the whole thing is in motion again with weirdness straining the bounds
> of reality and always looking for a window of oppurtunity as we descend
> further into novelty. i think it's going to get much worse before we
> level out at the end of 2012, or maybe we wont be able to level out and
> all we'll be able to do, (the lucky ones), is head for a place the 800
> meter wave wont be able to get us. come to think of it, maybe all this
> negative energy is really because there's a gravity anomaly in our
> (earthly) neighbourhood because some thing BIG is headed this way? I
> hope not, but we're overdue for a large asteroid, so keep those tanks
> filled and make sure you've etched a secure plot on your dynamograph
> before the fat lady sings...if we let her...so let's rather believe
> that, because Mars is now in recession, the 'fallout' will quickly
> dissipitate.....
>
> carry on!
>
> schwann
>
> http://tycho.usno.navy.mil/vphase.html
>
> I had good reason this morning to check and see if we're near the full
> moon. We're not... but, Planet X must be in retrograde or something.
> Seems like there's been snowballing agitation again in Weirdotopia. You
> shoulda seen my email! The anus-mouths of their insect-shaped
> typewriters are talking to them in the dark, out there. *shiver*

As I was saying.

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Original file name: Kook Agitation Phase#1AD093.txt - converted on Saturday, 25 September 2004, 02:05