STERNO ANALYZES THE NAFTA AGREEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: Sternodox <sternodox@aristotle.net>
Date: Thu, Aug 28, 2003

Brightly Sing the Eclipsed Wallboards

by Rev. Sternodox

Once upon a time these 56,789 guys decided to take a shit. So they ate
and ate and ate until they all had to shit at the same time and their
collective bowel movement, when totalled cumulatively, came to
111,567,432 pounds of shit. Then these 2,685,124 girls who had all just
got buttfucked by 79,436,123.5 un-buttsplit Moonies farted an amazing
45,764,675,220 cubic liters of aromatic butt gas that wafted lazily
over an area of not less than 423,567,876,123 square inches. Suddenly
34,543 retarded Mexicans who couldn't see without their glasses and
contact lenses stumbled into a field wherein lay a particularly
virulent accumulation of the aforementioned butt gas and, even though
the pestilent cloud was a sickly grey-green colour, these stupid
fucking Mexicans couldn't see it because they were about half blind and
totally retarded at the same time. The first Mexican who died as a
result of inhaling a scant .000000054 cubic milliliters of the girls'
malodorous fart gamut didn't even serve as a warning to the other
Mexicans because they were so fucking retarded that they didn't even
know that you should wipe your fucking asshole after you take a shit,
that's how fucking stupid they were. Suddenly 40,000 (approximately)
members of the Fullbright Lithuanian Rat Felchers Collective (Edensong
Branch) saw that all those retarded Mexicans had all died a horrible,
stench-ridden death. So they all ran down there to that field with a
mind to buttfuck the corpses, but the gas, although now practically
transparent and seemingly harmless, still packed a fucking wallop and
no sooner than did 5,426 of the Rat Felchers have their dicks in the
assholes of a like number of dead retarded Mexicans than did they
perish in a manner similar to that which had befallen the unfortunate
(but incredibly ignorant) Mexicans. When the girls who had got
buttfucked by the Moonies (all but 76,321 of them, that is) saw what
their powerful fart had wrought, they all became Jehovah's Witnesses
and crawled from door to door with massive, shit-begrimed artificial
phalluses protruding from their anuses, hawking poorly edited pamphlets
and attempting to convert the errant citizens to their fucked up
religion, but not having much success due to their abhorrent appearance
and objectionable odor. Then Odin, Hitler, Jesus and Samson all teamed
up and buttfucked everybody in the universe, one after the other,
non-stop, for all eternity.

The End

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

Did Odin ever get his eye back? How could Hitler be teaming up with
Samson when they were bitter enemies in #314? Did I miss an issue? You
leave too many plotlines dangling in this one.

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Thageus <thageusTRIANGLE@yahoo.com--REMOVEshape!!!!>

In chomsky's version there wasn't *nearly* as much anal sex.

--

Thageus the Triangular

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com>

Sternodox wrote:

> Once upon a time these 56,789 guys decided to take a shit. So they ate
> and ate and ate until they all had to shit at the same time and their
> collective bowel movement, when totalled cumulatively, came to
> 111,567,432 pounds of shit.

Hold it! Hold it!

56,789 guys, weighing 200 lbs each would total 11,357,800 lbs, and
you're saying that they shat out 111,567,432 pounds of shit? That's
9.822979098 times their combined body weight!

I'm sorry, but I just can't continue to suspend my disbelief after
a faux pas like that!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: drdark@37.com (DoktorDark)

It's clear to me. Since the diner they dined at was located on a
neutron star, where matter is denser, they could easily shit shit that
was heavier than they. And that was what's the matter with the matter
that they shat in the shatter, till their rectums were in tatters &
the shatter was all a-splatter with their neutronal fecal matter. To
say nothing of the heavy piss from their bladders.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: joecosby@mindspring.com (Joe Cosby)

Burma Shave.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Dunter Powries" <redcap@fech.spedlins>

DoktorDark <drdark@37.com> wrote:
> Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com> wrote:
> >
> > Hold it! Hold it!
> >
> > 56,789 guys, weighing 200 lbs each would total 11,357,800 lbs, and
> > you're saying that they shat out 111,567,432 pounds of shit? That's
> > 9.822979098 times their combined body weight!
> >
> > I'm sorry, but I just can't continue to suspend my disbelief after
> > a faux pas like that!
>
> It's clear to me. Since the diner they dined at was located on a
> neutron star, where matter is denser, they could easily shit shit that
> was heavier than they. And that was what's the matter with the matter
> that they shat in the shatter, till their rectums were in tatters &
> the shatter was all a-splatter with their neutronal fecal matter. To
> say nothing of the heavy piss from their bladders.

Pardon ME, but if the excreting diners were actually physically situated IN
the diner ON the neutron star then the mass of which they were themselves
composed would have been as dense as the matter which they excreted...
UNLESS you were to stipulate that their bodies were somehow distorted in
space-time such that their mouths and upper GI were located at the TOP of a
gravity well and their lower GI and rectums imbedded in the core of the
singularity.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Artemia Salina <y2k@sheayright.com>

While its true that I know many people who are "dense as shit," I'm sure
you meant that their bodies were *proportionately* as dense as their excretia.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: drdark@37.com (DoktorDark)

"Dunter Powries" <redcap@fech.spedlins> wrote:
> Pardon ME, but if the excreting diners were actually physically situated IN
> the diner ON the neutron star then the mass of which they were themselves
> composed would have been as dense as the matter which they excreted...
> UNLESS you were to stipulate that their bodies were somehow distorted in
> space-time such that their mouths and upper GI were located at the TOP of a
> gravity well and their lower GI and rectums imbedded in the core of the
> singularity.

I don't know about you, bub, but I don't shit out what I just ate
right when & where I've just finished eating it. How short is your
alimentary tract? 6 inches? Yeah, I know, and your dick is 23 feet
long.

The answer is AFTER they ate at the diner on the neutron star AND THEN
WENT HOME, a few hours to a day later, they took a HEAVY SHIT, man.
Got it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joe Cosby <joecosby@SPAMBLOCKmindspring.com>

Well I definitely think we should stay out of NAFTA if it leads to all
this.

--
Joe Cosby
http://joecosby.home.mindspring.com

God is dead,
Long live the Superman!

- Nietzsche

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Dunter Powries" <redcap@fech.spedlins>

DoktorDark <drdark@37.com> wrote:
> I don't know about you, bub, but I don't shit out what I just ate
> right when & where I've just finished eating it. How short is your
> alimentary tract? 6 inches? Yeah, I know, and your dick is 23 feet
> long.
>
> The answer is AFTER they ate at the diner on the neutron star AND THEN
> WENT HOME, a few hours to a day later, they took a HEAVY SHIT, man.
> Got it?

Listen, I'm not one to ruin a good story by insisting that it conform with
generally accepted laws of physics, because that's not my way, oh, no, but
it's got nothing to do with how long food takes to work it's way through a
constipated diner's digestive tract and everything to do with the fact that
not even photons can escape the gravity well of a neutron star, let alone a
constipated diner and, yes, my dick is 23 feet long, but only when viewed
along the precisely appropriate time-space axis.

Dunty Porteous,
1959 Recipient of the Prestigious Y-Chromosome Award

--
"Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning."
-Mandy Cohen


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