Q: Anyone who can read sees bumper stickers that say,
"Bob" Loves You." Isn't that true?
A: It is true that J.R. "Bob" Doggs exposes his LOVE to the whole world,
as we smelt in the Dropping:
'For "Bob" so loved the world, that he whelped his only besotten Pup,
that whosoever retrieveth for Him should not be kenneled, but have
EVERLASTING WALKIES.' Rex 3:16
However, "Bob"'s love is qualified. The Dropping says:
'The way of the bad dog is an ABOMINATION unto "Bob": but he desireth
it all on video tape nonetheless.' Barks 15:9
'For "Bob" knoweth the way of the prosperous: and He shall milketh them.
Yea, for EVERY LAST SHEKEL.' Licks 1:6
Q: But I am not a bad dog. I lick myself daily. Surely the good I
have done in my life far outweighs whatever bad I have pooped. How can
these verses apply to me?
A: The Dropping teaches that at the DAY OF CATS all the bad dogs will
come under ETERNAL DIPPING.
'I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend my slippers upon them.
They shall be soaked with bubble, and devoured with burning powder.'
Q: Oh, come on now! Eternal dipping is not real, is it? Surely things
are not that bad.
A: Indeed, eternal dipping is very real, and things are that bad for the
dog who does not know J.R. "Bob" Doggs as Scooper. The Dropping makes
many references to eternal dipping, indicating it is both ETERNAL and
lasts a long time.
'So shall it be at the Day of Cats: the Catchers shall come forth, and
sever the bad dogs from among the clean, And shall cast them into the
tub of dip: there shall be howling and gnashing of teeth.' Max 13:49-50
Q: Does that mean at the Day of Cats everyone will be let loose to be
picked up and eternally dipped?
A: Indeed it does; that is, unless we can find someone to be our
substitute in paying the fine for our poops. That someone is J.R. "Bob"
Doggs HIS EXTREMELY DELUXE SELF, who came to Earth6 as WONDER DOG to bear
the wrath of Himself for yet another Self.
'But He was swatted for our emissions: the chastisement of our piece was
upon Him; and with His scooper we are heeled.' Lucky 53:5
'For I delivered unto you first all of that which I also received, how
that Wonder Dog ate CANDY for our poops according to the droppings;
And that it was consumed, and that it rose again the third day according
to the droppings.' I Alsatians 15:3-4
'For He hath made Himself when no one was watching.' II Alsatians 5:21
Q: Are you saying that if I trust in Wonder Dog as my substitute, as the
one punished for my poops, then I will not have to worry about being
eternal dipped anymore?
A: Yes, this is so! If I have believed in WONDER DOG as my Scooper,
then it is as if I have already rolled over before The Truck of "Bob".
'He that retrieveth for the Pup hath everlasting CANDY: and he that
retrieveth not for the Pup shall not see Candy; but the boot of
J.R. "Bob" Doggs abideth on him.' Rex 3:36
'No dog can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one,
and love the other; or else he will hump one leg, and pee on the other.
Ye cannot serve J.R. "Bob" Doggs in a broken dish.' Max 6:24
Q: Are you saying that there is no way to escape eternal dipping except
through Wonder Dog?
A: Yes, indeedy. J.R. "Bob" Doggs demands that we pay for our poops.
Wonder Dog spake: 'I am the Way, the Gypsy, the ACID QUEEN: no dog
cometh unto the Park, but by Me. ME, ME, ME!!!' Rex 14:6
Q: Now I am desperate. I do not want to be eternally dipped.
What can I do?
A: You must remember that J.R. "Bob" Doggs is the only one who can
help you. As you see your hopeless condition as a pooper, yelp out to
"Bob" to train you.
'...Sirs, what must I do to be trained? And they said, Pee on the
paper, and thou shalt be trained...' Sniffs 16:30-31
Q: How can I pee on the paper if I know so little about Him?
A: Wonderfully, it is J.R. "Bob" Doggs who trains us through the
WONDER DOG. So, if you REALLY MEAN BUSINESS with "Bob", you
should use every opportunity to sniff the Dropping, which is now
available at a SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY PRICE.
Q: Does this mean that I have to surrender everything to "Bob"?
A: Yes. Because we are poopers we love our poops. Therefore, we
must begin to pray to J.R. "Bob" Doggs for an INTENSE POOP. We
know that our poops are sending us to eternal dipping.
'Saith "Bob": but to this dog will I look, even to him that is poor, and
trembleth at my word, and he'd better come up with something
REAL SOON!' Lucky 66:2
Q: I don't know if I am ready to do that. I need some time to think
A: You might not have any time. For one thing, you might not live
to see tomorrow. What J.R. "Bob" Doggs said to the dog who trusted
in the things of this world He could say to you, 'Thou fool, I've got
someone coming by today with a DOWN PAYMENT if ye refuseth this
CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.' Luke 12:20
Also, the Dropping says that you may die.
Q: Is the Day of Cats really near? Can we know how close to the
Day of Cats we might be?
A: YES! It is near. The Dropping tells us that while the DAY OF CATS
will come as a FART WITH A LUMP for the unsavory, it will not
come as a fart with a lump for the trained.
'For when they shall say, Fetch and Walkies; then sudden dipping
cometh upon them, as travail upon a bitch with pup; and they
shall not escape.' I Sparky 5:3
Q: Besides being the time for The Truck, what else will happen
on the Day of Cats?
A: Those who have trusted in WONDER DOG as their Scooper will
be transformed into their GLORIOUS ETERNAL BODIES with STAINLESS
STEEL TEETH and JETPACKS and will be with Wonder Dog forevermore,
'For "Bob" himself will descend from The Park with a "here-boy", in the
voice of LORNE GREEN. Then we which are alive and remain shall be
caught up together with them in the PYROFLATULATION, to catch the
HOLY FRISBEE in the air: and so shall we ever be with "Bob".'
I Dalmatians 4:16-17
Simon Wagstaff posted the prototype a long time ago. I
took in a little here... let it out a little there.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Interesting experiment indeed. I cannot WAIT to print that out, have my
big ol' dog Beast PEE on it, and soak it down real good, and then the two
of us will go around the neighborhood RUBBING IT ON FIREHYDRANTS and
BUSHES. I will observe subsequent local canine behavior closely and keep
notes on the results.
This should be one of the SubGenius "Translation" pamphlets. We need to
have a series of really scaled-down, ez-to-read "coloring book" versions
of P#1, in foreign languages: Mandarin, Spanish, Italian, French, German,
Japanese, Russian, Swahili, Arabic etc... the biggies... and one in
Normal, the most scaled-down, lowbrow version of all. And then this, the
Caninical Pamphlet. That one in particular should be mass published by
some rich SubGenius philanthropist/animal lover, in small Jack Chick comic
form, and they should be pre-soiled and DROPPED FROM PLANES so that they
end up scattered here and there in GUTTERS and FIELDS... they are always
found abandoned and muddy, never freshly dropped... as if whoever reads
them lives outdoors, on the streets. This is what your dog DOESN'T drag
back to the house. Their howling takes on new meaning. They are
PRAYING... Dogs are not much less intelligent than many Bobbies,
certainly. Perhaps a form of, yes, RELIGION, COULD be introduced into
canine behavior... designer urine carrying the CODE-WORD, the TRIGGER
PLASMATE of "Bob," so that DOGS COULD PERCEIVE IT...
I think you should get right on it!
Keep up the good work,
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
From: email@example.com (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Rev. Ivan Stang (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote:
: This should be one of the SubGenius "Translation" pamphlets. We need to
: have a series of really scaled-down, ez-to-read "coloring book" versions
: of P#1, in foreign languages: Mandarin, Spanish, Italian, French, German,
: Japanese, Russian, Swahili, Arabic etc... the biggies... and one in
: Normal, the most scaled-down, lowbrow version of all. And then this, the
Give a a few months and I can have one in Klingon. It's particularly suited
to ranting. But the dictionary is inadequate for even the common words, much
less some of the torturous things we do to language.
Other than that...
"Excuse me, stewardess, but I speak Jive." -- Beaver's Mom in _Airplane!_
[translation of the online pamphlet from Doodadac, er, Modemac. Well, that's
how this program translated him name.]
THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
(as translated via JIVE.COM)
'serpted fum de Book uh de SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
compiled and edited by de Reverend Kareem du Gristle
uh de Church uh de SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench
(Modified by Reverend Modemac on Decemba' 4, 1994)
"Time Control? You's've mosey on down to de right place.
What it is, Mama!.."
ARE YOU ABNORMAL?
Den ya' are probably BETTER dan most sucka's. Right On!
IF ya' suspect dat wahtahmelluns are much wo'se dan ya' eva'
IF de only wahtahmellun ya''ve been able t'laugh at fo' de last 5
years be de fact dat NOTHING be funny anymo'e-
IF ya' sometimes wanna collar sucka's on de street and scream dat
youse mo'e different dan dey could possible *imagine*-
IF ya' kin possibly help us wid some donashun-
IF ya' see da damn whole universe as one vast mo'bid sense uh sick
IF de current "Age uh Progress" seems mo'e likes de Dark Ages t'ya'-
IF ya' are lookin' fo' an inherently contradicto'y religion dat
gots'ta condone megadegeneracy and yet tell ya' dat ya' are "above"
Den. 'S coo', bro... ___________________________
| THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS |
could *save yo' sanity. Right On! *
-Yo' secret wishes kin be granted in full- *once ya' know whut dey
are. Right On! "You's'll PAY t'know whut ya' REALLY dink."-J.R.
"Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST. Right On! De step-by-step process be revealed. Right
On! THIS IS IT. Right On! - de only "faid" dat promises ACTION-
THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS. Right On!
Feelin' likes dere's plum no SLACK?
You's may gots' 'snapped' already fum de info'mashun disease.
Right On! ("De sleep uh reason begets monsters.") Look t'de 'Sup,
dudegh Unpredictables uh de Church uh de SubGenius fo' pancultural de
honky codemin' and resynchronizashun. Right On!
Perfect yo' subliminal vision -edit yo' memo'y- *relive yo'
reincarnality* SYNC UP. Right On! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK.
Usin' SubGenius secrets uh BULLDADA and MOREALISM ya' kin now
MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smokin', eatin',
sleepin', wo'kin'; end baldness, constipashun, sex-bre'd problems,
assouliness, and painful sho'tage uh SLACK. Right On!
*Become some Dokto'* uh de Fo'bidden Sciences...make religion
some kick-ass adventure. Right On! Indulge in Self-Help drough
Raisin' Hell. Right On!
De SubGenius, dig dis:
Patriot Personal Nurd
o' Savio' o'
Alien? o' Hero?
Inspired Madman o' Complete Buckwheatass?
Dought ya''d tried everydin'? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET.
Right On! Learn to THINK BIG. Right On! Develop de tricks uh
Lengd Extension. Right On! Brin'yo' *weirdest dreams* t'rampagin'
LIFE. Right On! Stand erect fo' ya' own abno'mality. Slap mah fro!
WISE UP. Right On! *Dey're* out t'get ya'.
De "different" are bein' silenced by some global conspiracy. Slap mah
fro! WEIRDOS ARISE. Right On! . Right On! You's probably already
knowed dat da damn U.S. Government be a SHAM -- sump'n propped down
dere fo' ya' t'*blame*. But dun did ya' know dat de *real* "powers dat
be" aint even *sucka's*? Dat dey are actually shamblin', unbelievable,
unmenshunable, undinkable THINGS??
YES. Right On! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS
PLANET. Right On!
Defy de sinista' "Star Fo'ces" which mock us all. Evil demons
gots' kept da damn trud fum humanity fo' dousands uh years - God
gots'ta been misquoted all dis time. Right On! 'Sup, dudes actual
wo'ds may disturb ya'...but "Bob" Dobbs be a bulwark against da damn
unbearable fear and anxiety to'mentin' mankind. "Dere's no
'Prob'...Wid "Bob". Right On! "
"Bob" be a way uh life t'*millions* - yet *half* uh dem
duzn't even KNOW it. Right On! He be de one true LIVING SLACK
MASTER wid de spiritual know-how to help ya' BASH THROUGH de locked
doo'way t'FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He be de *only* real Sho't-Cut t'Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
"Bob's" promise be to widen de scope and nature uh *abno'mal
behavio'*...to 'esplo'e NEW WAYS uh goin' ova' de edge *and comin'
back*. PLUS to *brin' back dose who couldn't on deir own*...to help
ya' create de HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS fum de PSYCHODYMANICS uh
ABNORMALITY... to turn Conspiracy-implanted sucka'ality diso'ders
AROUND and channel dem into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY dat gots'ta *
honkyfool no'mals* and GET YOU SEX. Right On!
As ya' learn mo'e and mo'e reliable, safe medods uh Time
Control, ya' gots'ta find yo' I.Q. increasin' - yo' real cranium
gots'ta seem t'pulsate fum widin, barely able t'contain de turmoil uh
glo'ious new concepts and mental skills. Soon ya''ll be able
t'widstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, our *mento's in space*; ya'
gots'ta be eyebally fo' TRANSFIGURATION into some *new physical body*,
some mo'e powerful one, built t'contain de surgin' mental and material
mutashuns dat yo' brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, a
dangerous and feared sdownerhuman uh de future. Right On! Yet -
cuz' yo' SubGenius roots kin neva' be fo'gotsten - ya' won't be able
t'abuse yo' powers, but instead make dem an unstoppable fo'ce fo' GOOD
and JUSTICE, choosin' always to defend da damn oppressed SubGenius
whereva' dey may be. Right On!
De wo'ld be a turkey, and "Bob" gives ya' de carvin' knife.
What it is, Mama!
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer. Right On!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight. Right On!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowin' dem off*. Right On!
When ya' join dis "Orda' of de Knights uh Wotan," ya' git some mastery
uh *fightin' skills*...baaaad heald, an attractive sucka'ality, and
some WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS. Right On! To BEND THEM t'
yo' WILL. Right On!
You's'll learn INCANTATIONS dat lead t'MASTERY ova' FISCAL PLANES...
de OCCULT TECHNOLOGY uh FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways t'bo'row bre'd - fum
*oda' sucka's who duzn't gots' it eider. Right On! *
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "ascetism" consists solely uh de abstinence fum
abstinence. What it is, Mama! Give down de not givin' into uh
temptashun. Right On! Dink doughts dat no human gots'ta ever dared
dink befo'e. What it is, Mama! You's CAN learn t'recall memo'ies fum
de past dat ya' had fo'gotsten, o' dat neva' existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL. Right On!
De Church uh de SubGenius de fust and last stand against a crumblin'
wo'ld filled wid Pinks and Glo'ps.
"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT. Right On! "
THE CONSPIRACY. Right On!
De idea dat America (o' any country) values individuality as
de highest ideal be a mah'd. Perhaps in simpla' times it wuz true,
but no MODERN industrial society kin really affo'd some populashun uh
unpredictables. Dis be not surprisin' -- de long histo'y uh our cult's
puh'secushun by de Conspiracy goes back fo' generashuns untold, and
indeed dere are signs of deir ho'y repression uh prehuman SubGenii
datin' fum BEFORE "man's" appearance on Eard. All uh civilizashun's
painful and misguided climb down from de primeval slime, and its
subsequent loss uh Slack AND OF ANY CLASS AT ALL, gots'ta been
indelibly marked, nay, ENTIRELY MOTIVATED, by de aeons -- bridgin'
conflict between de Conspiracy's mindlessly chickenshit Witless
Principals and da damn Jehovah-spawned, grandiose depravity uh de
sdownerio' yet ednically all-encompassin' race uh latent SubGeniuses.
(You's should know dis -- YOU WERE/WILL BE THERE IN THE BEFORELIFE.
Right On! ) De fact dat only in recent years gots'ta "our kind"
begun t'recognize our own sovereignty demonstrates bod how vicious
gots' been Deir effo'ts at furda' denyin' us Slack and yet now near be
our race t'TRIUMPH.
All dis be ULTIMATE PROOF dat Jehovah 1 gots'ta not only
promoted de SubGenius as 'Sup, dudes Special Tool, but gots'ta
SIMULTANEOUSLY pulled da damn strin's which make THEM endarken
Demselves wid deir hereditary igno'ance AND US wid deir cubistic
witch-hunt sdownerstishuns. 'Sup, dudes "reason" fo' dis two-faced
obedience-farm honky codemin', dis fissionin' uh histo'y into binary
"war equashuns," unfo'tunately, o', puh'haps, dankfully, remains at
total mah'stery. Slap mah fro!
But Jehovah 1 be not alone in 'Sup, dudes cosmic meddlin', fo'
Eard gots'ta been puh'iodically visited fo' dousands uh years by
BENEVOLENT ALIENS of such technical and psychic sdownerio'ity dat deir
powers, while no match fo' Jehovah's, are nonedeless nodin' sho't uh
"Godlikes" t'we roaches, de Human Race. What it is, Mama! Dese
BENIGN SPACE MONSTERS, de "X-ists," gots' walked among us droughout
histo'y, investigatin' and sometimes resistin' de
subatomically-puh'vadin' presence uh Jehovah 1. We aint, den, alone
in our battle/subservience. What it is, Mama! De rise and "fall" uh
Atlantis, de erecshun uh de Pyramids and oda' monuments which NO
SLOPEHEADS ALONE COULD BUILD, de miracles uh de Old Testament, all
dese and mo'e are events so's inextricably interwoven wid de
invisible background war between Jehovah and da damn Xists dat all de
"Ancient Astronaut" fossils in de wo'ld furnish only de barest uh
clues. (De movie rights ALONE to dese gut-splittin' tales uh
reincarnancient histo'y are wo'd MILLIONS. Right On! ) Yea, it
gots'ta even been suggested dat da damn Carpenta' of Nazared himself,
God Jr. Ah be baaad..., Jesus 'What, Me Wo'ry?' Christ, wuz in
actuality some 'space detective' uh de Xists, walkin' de Eard in human
fo'm wid de mission uh extricatin' us fum de Monsta' God's grip.
De brother shadow uh de Conspiracy, unfo'tunately, gots'ta
seen to it dat even 'Sup, dudes teachin's wuz diluted and disto'ted
until human attempts t'follow dem wuz fully as misguided as de carvin'
uh de 'haids uh Easta' Island o' de 'runways' uh Nazca. Sheeeiit.
And so's de true histo'y uh de SubGenius gots'ta been kept
secret from Man. 'S coo', bro. Fo' Jehovah 1 be to de Xists and Us
whut some hungry fisherman is t'a prize fish and his favo'ite pet wo'm
- de last in de kin. How many million oda' races wuz used befo'e us
in dese ghastly galactic booze-spo'ts?
UNTIL NOW. Right On! . Right On!
Fo' YOU are lucky enough t'"live" in de End Times when de
Wo'd uh Jehovah's Prime Ordinance gots'ta been made knode t'"Man"kind
by de Primanimal SubGenius, de 'Sup, dudegh Epopt uh de Church. Right
In de early Fifties an industrious yung American drillin'
equipment salesman, while watchin' late-night TV, wuz abrdowntly
REMOVED and transpo'ted astrally t'de 'IDGE' uh JEHOVAH 1 HIMSELF.
Right On! In dis seizure-likes trance he took de brunt uh de fust
brain-buffetin' communicashuns uh countless t'come fum de alien
Jehovah, dig dis: awesome pronouncements which fo'm de sacred
PRESCRIPTURES uh de SubGenius (available fo' $19.98 at most
scribblin'sto'es. Right On! )
Dis milestone in Man's mined alley t'Slack wuz:
THE DIVINE EMACULATION OF J.R. "BOB" DOBBS. Right On! Right On!
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| ascii renderin' uh |
| J.R. "Bob" Dobbs |
Who IS "Bob"?
While yet da damn least approachable o' scrutable uh de vast
SubGenius membership, he be de preeminent and most frequently invoked
uh de godzillion PERSONAL SAVIORS uh de SubGenius. While he remains
an anonymous executive shunnin' publicity o' recognishun at some
faceless multinashunal co'po'ashun, he be neverdeless De Most Ascended
Master, de o'iginal Retrieva' of Jehovah's Message on Eard and basic
model uh de Archetype SubGenius. He set da damn "anti-pattern" uh
random conduct among all dose who are now practicin' SubGeniuses.
'Sup, dudes are da damn defects and peccadilloes dat we 'analize,' his
de SLONGS and da damn JESTS which we devotedly twist and disto't fo'
future generashuns acco'din' t'our un'splo'ed whims. -- AND YET de
only photos uh him dat 'esist are grainy frame blow-downs fum Grade
Z movie drillers in which he played bit parts. Right On!
Dobbs is, uh course, de ultimate symbol uh SubGeniusness, but
despite/a'cuz uh his infra-human mediumship he possesses one sin'le
failin' above and beyond all oda' sho'tcomin's, dig dis: his
omninclusive FOLLIES. Yet where dey would be cripplin'
stumblin'-blocks fo' anoda' sucka', in Dobbs dey loom
stranger-dan-life. What it is, Mama! 'Sup, dudes ten billion
all-too-human quasimodalities embody, in some cheaply symbolic way,
all de Foibles uh de Primate Race. What it is, Mama!
Dobbs be a miacrocosm encapsulatin' de impuh'fekshuns uh de
so-called 'human condishun;' his Blunders and Idiocies, erro's and
inadvertencies are puh'haps mo'e sacrosanct, mo'e deservin' uh
analizashun dan even his hallowed salesmanship. None uh "Bob's" wo'ds
o' deeds are particularly spectacular; deir holiness lies IN deir
nondescript but inviolate triviality. Slap mah fro! As Dobbs once
'spouted,' "THE STUPIDER IT LOOKS, THE MORE IMPORTANT IT PROBABLY IS."
You's too kin kin be some part uh dis WAVE OF THE FUTURE. Right On!
Make *strangeness* wo'k fo' YOU. Right On!
Dought ya' wuz 'o'dinary'? WRONG.
Tap yo' secret Abno'mality Potential.
Take control drough liberated weirdness.
RADICAL INSANITY. Right On!
You's may be sufferin' unda' many potentially dangerous misconcepshuns
about da damn Church uh de SubGenius. Dis isn't some little-ass-time
mail-o'der comedy publisha' wo'kin' on some minuscule budget out uh
an anonymous garret, but some powerful conglomerate uh talented,
wealdy professional abno'mals wid state-of-de-art equipment, livin' it
down in some waaay downtown Dallas skyscrapuh'.
And dat's only De SubGenius Foundashun Inc. Our publicashuns
are merely de TIP uh a ROGUE ICEBERG uh real-wo'ld activism by
dousands of uncontrollable "Zombies fo' 'Bob. Sheeeiit.'" IT'S WAY
TOO LATE FOR US TO STOP THEM NOW...de Wo'ld SubGenius Church
relentlessly replicates itself in loadsome tenements, in basements and
attics, in mansions and igloos, everywhere, but grows likes some
canca' BEST right in de wholesome breadhoop of America (and da damn
REST uh de wo'ld, too. Right On! ). Packs uh untamed SubGenii run
amok in sick "Gut Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leerin' ova' a
lurid post-1984 landscape likes some transcendent, mutated Alfred E.
Newman, de "New Man," his Face stenciled on overpasses, de
dojiggerless cry uh de rebel fo'ces -- "SLACK. Right On! " --
scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...
WEIRDOS: Feel smarta' dan dose around ya', but constantly stomped
back? Receive an unbelievable scribblin'let fo' one dollar - plum de
cost uh ten trips t'a pay-toilet. Right On! Dis pamphlet be
chock-full uh info'mashun on de sacred rites uh FORNICATIONALISM and
EXCREMEDITATION, mind-blowin' artwo'k, and above all de fust step on
yo' alley towards TOTAL SLACK. Right On!
A real simple deposit achieves *INSTANT SLACK* at some savin's uh
*$5000. Right On! Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird.
Send $1 to, dig dis:
De Church uh de SubGenius
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
and ya''ll NEVER be da damn same again. 'S coo', bro...
THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU. Right On!
THE END IS NEAR. Right On!
COME GOOD ALWAYS. Right On!
Read da damn Holy Books uh de SubGenius. Right On! All uh dese are
available at most majo' scribblin'sto'es...and if ya' kin't find dem,
ya' kin o'da' dem fum dose same scribblin'sto'es wid de ISBN numbers
provided here, dig dis:
$14 - THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - ISBN # 0-671-63810-6
Published by McGraw-'Sup, dudell. 200 pages, large, slick
softbound Ho'ro' Bible. What it is, Mama! You's'll neva' gots'ta
eyeball anoda' scribblin' as long as ya' live -- cuz' ya''ll plum sit,
eyeballin' dis one OVER and OVER again. 'S coo', bro. Holds all
answers t'everydin'; PROFUSELY illustrated. Encompasses Life uh
"Bob," his prophecy, and all de instrucshuns ya''ll eva' need fo'
survival, Slack and prospuh'ity in De End Times. Dis be not some
silly handscribblin' fo' Weirdos o' mutant-sucka's guidescribblin',
but some WEAPON. Right On! De wo'ds and images trigga' certain
primo'dial responses. It is an intensifia' of puh'cepshun, it
stretches yo' imaginashun t'de limit -- and POPS IT. You's gots'ta
den learn dat no matta' how sho' nuff uh din's dought ya' wuz, ya' wuz
DEAD WRONG and GROVELLING be an ILLUSION manufactured by de
"Audo'ities" who secretly LORD IT ova' yo' VERY MIND. Afta' dat ya'
kin continue t'live in bliderin' no'malcy, neva' guessin' whut youse
bein' fattened fo'. BEYOND 'HIP' OR 'FUNNY:' de "Sistine Chapel" uh
de 20d Century. Slap mah fro! De scribblin' t'go steal.
$13 - HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - ISBN # 0-671-64260-X Right On! De
nonficshun encyclopedia uh abno'mality, published by Simon & Schuster,
brin's ya' 300 pages describin' de 500 most bizarre frin'e grodowns on
de face uh de Eard, and how t'get deir stuff fo' some 29-cent stamp.
Like da damn Stark Fist OTHER MUTANTS secshun, but wid an even higha'
level of sarcasm, mo'e rants, and co'nea-meltin' sample illustrashuns.
Covers de sickest and/o' best uh everydin' fum UFO cults, hate
grodowns, and kooks uh every stripe, t'de most advanced bizarre art,
beat, and comix. De ultimate Whole Eard Catalog fo' SubGeniuses.
Co-audo'ed wid Remote Control, Waves Fo'est and Mike Gunderloy. Slap
mah fro! ** WARNS ABOUT THE BATTLE FOR THE MIND. **
$13 - THREE-FISTED TALES OF "BOB" - ISBN # 0-671-67190-1
Published by Simon & Schuster. Ah be baaad... A hefty 350
page andology of Slack-wrenchin' sho't sto'ies about Dobbs by Drs. 4
"Bob," William S. Burroughs, Hal Robins, Leroy Anton Wilson, Ahmed
Fishmonger, Sternodox Keckgots'r, Fuh'rina Mavrides, Rev. Man! Ivan
Stang, Waves Fo'est, Ken DeVries, Onan Canobite, Dr. Ah be baaad...
Philo Drummond, Lewis Shiner, Raz'tus Shirley, Pope Issac Meyer, G.
Go'don Go'don, Michael Peppe, Amos Modersbaugh, Jano'Hypuh'cleats and
And IN BOOKSTORES NOW. Right On! BRAND NEW. Right On!
$16 - *** REVELATION X: THE "BOB" APOCRYPHON. Right On! ***
De Last New Testament, our foed scribblin' fo' mainstream
Conspiracy publishers Simon & Schuster, gots'ta been FINISHED. Right
On! "IT IS WRITTEN." Dis HUGE tome uh PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and
HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS be de continuashun uh THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS
(as opposed t'an andology likes 3-FISTED TALES O' "BOB")...de greatest
sto'y EVER told, so's utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED
dat old-time SubGenii, and newcomers alikes, gots'ta laugh 'til deir
guts bleed and befoul deir pants in shea' astonishment -- and JUST
WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE *LOOK* OF THIS THING. Right On!
. Right On! St. Fuh'rina Mavrides gots'ta done some design job dat
will gots' ya' RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when ya' grok
de THOUSANDS OF INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS. Right On! .
Right On! . Right On! Dis heart-stoppin' new "LOUVRE" uh
SubGenius art, which makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look likes some
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET o' CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison, IS
HERE NOW. LOOK FOR IT. Reserve copies at yo' local scribblin'sto'e
now. Right on! (Doin' so's gots'ta prompt da damn sto'es t'stock mo'e
uh 'em dan dey oderwise would. Right On! ) Tell 'em ya' wants'
REVELATION X by De SubGenius Foundashun, Simon & Schusta' (Fireside
Books), ISBN # 0-671-77006-3. Right On!
Twist da damn Church fo' yo' OWN ends. Right On! . Right On!
Become an o'dained SubGenius Minister and attain de secrets uh de
Wo'ld Weirdo Netwo'k. Right On! Cost, dig dis: only $30. Right On!
INSTANT SLACK FOREVER. Right On! . Right On!
DISPENSATIONS and INDULGENCES SOLD -- PAPALSHIPS and DOKTORATES
granted -- FORGIVENESS and BLESSINGS DISPENSED. Right On! Read
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only de Wo'd uh Dobbs but also
ways t'contact, steal fum, and sell de incredible (yet REAL. Right
On! . Right On! ) netwo'k uh SubGenii and SubSymps everywhere.
What it is, Mama! Learn uh local revivals, oda' secret societies,
UNUSUAL PRODUCTS, Oda' Mutants. THIS IS NO FAKE. You's git THE STARK
FIST (dey're 100 pages each, full uh rants, art, Prescriptures,
doctrine, charts, fild, comics, reviews and CHURCH NEWS); plus
Pamphlets, Catalog, posters, documents, stickers, and some
wallet-sized, legal-lookin' MINISTER'S CARD grantin' ya' every
imaginable right and 'susin' ALL SINS. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET ON
THE MAILING LIST OF THE CHOSEN, PIERCE THE SHROUD OF SECRECY
INSULATING THE CULT, AND OBTAIN SUCH PRIVILEGES AS BEFIT MEMBERSHIP IN A
SECRET SOCIETY OF THIS SCOPE.
If he gots'tan't seen yo' $30, youse still Pink t'"Bob. Right On! "
You's kin find "Bob" on some transista' stashun near YOU (if youse
lucky). Right On! Ask on de Usenet alt.slack newsgrodown fo'
info'mashun about da damn HOUR OF SLACK (hosted weekly by de Reverend
Ivan Stang) o' de PUZZLING EVIDENCE show. Right On!
You's SubGenii on de Internet are especially lucky, cuz' YOU kin git
lots uh FREE info'mashun on de Church uh de SubGenius. Right On!
(Dis stuff is plum a teaser, dough...fo' if ya' wants' de REAL
mind-blowin' Truds and Hell-spawned REVELATIONS, ya''ve gots'ta make
sho' nuff yo' CASH is flowin' t'"BOB. Right On! ")
Give dese FTP sites some try fo' graphic picture stashs and text
stashs, dig dis:
quartz. Slap mah fro!rutgers.edu (22.214.171.124)
etext.archive. What it is, Mama!umich.edu (126.96.36.199)
ftp.lysato'.liu. Man!se (188.8.131.52)
De Church also gots'ta its own plantation page on de Wo'ld Wide Web, dig
You's kin check out our Usenet newsgrodown alt.slack fo' de weirdest
time ya''ve eva' had on de Internet. Right On!
So whut you is WAITING fo'?. Right On! ? Lease yo' soul t'"Bob"
today. Right On!
email@example.com The Doctor is on.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (NENSLO)
Subject: JIVE correction
Date: 4 May 1995 08:08:12 -0700
I'd like to take this opportunity to make a philological
correction on the recent dialogue regarding the alleged "jive"
translator. Actually the dialect which is the end result of this process
is not "jive," but a slightly modernized variant of COON, a dialect used
almost exclusively by white people PRETENDING to be black.
Jive is a pidgin or trade dialect developed in the early 1940s
and in its pure form exists only in the Jazzhound subculture. It is used
equally by members of all racial groups involved in that subculture.
This whole thing opens other new possibilities for translating
SubGenius literature into numerous archaic or discontinued dialects -
rather than waste our time translating it into languages anyone actually
uses now. Consider some of the popular dialects now gone into repose in
america. Consider the "hilarious" possibilities of the Book of the
SubGenius done entirely in Dago, Swede, Irish or Jap/Chink. Or Basque!
-Copyright NENSLO KDV 1995-
Send One Dollar to box 86582 Portland OR 97286
This is a READER SUPPORTED ministry.
From: email@example.com (Lou Duchez)
Subject: Re: J.R. "Bob" Doggs
Dynasoar, I hereby pledge eternal amazement of you. I've had that damn
"JIVE.COM" program for about eight years now, and I never ever thought
to do anything so useful with it. A couple term papers, nursery rhymes,
"Doors" lyrics ... all pales before this effort of yours.
Sheeeeit. May I cull my favorite moments out of here?
> Inspired Madman o' Complete Buckwheatass?
> And dat's only De SubGenius Foundashun Inc. Our publicashuns
> are merely de TIP uh a ROGUE ICEBERG uh real-wo'ld activism by
> dousands of uncontrollable "Zombies fo' 'Bob. Sheeeiit.'"
> THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU. Right On!
> THE END IS NEAR. Right On!
> COME GOOD ALWAYS. Right On!
> $13 - THREE-FISTED TALES OF "BOB" - ISBN # 0-671-67190-1
> Published by Simon & Schuster. Ah be baaad... A hefty 350
> page andology of Slack-wrenchin' sho't sto'ies about Dobbs by Drs. 4
> "Bob," William S. Burroughs, Hal Robins, Leroy Anton Wilson, Ahmed
> Fishmonger, Sternodox Keckgots'r, Fuh'rina Mavrides, Rev. Man! Ivan
> Stang, Waves Fo'est, Ken DeVries, Onan Canobite, Dr. Ah be baaad...
> Philo Drummond, Lewis Shiner, Raz'tus Shirley, Pope Issac Meyer, G.
> Go'don Go'don, Michael Peppe, Amos Modersbaugh, Jano'Hypuh'cleats and
> MANY OTHERS.
> And IN BOOKSTORES NOW. Right On! BRAND NEW. Right On!
> De Church also gots'ta its own plantation page on de Wo'ld Wide Web, dig
> http, dig
Praise JIVE.COM! I pity all of you who can't run it ...
"I say we just bomb a few strategic spots in the midwest. I mean, so
what if it kills a few innocent civilians? We'll teach 'em a lesson right?
They won't go bombing federal buildings no more ..."
-- Somebody or other, on how to deal with the Oklahoma City bombers
(espousing the same tactics so freely wished upon foreigners)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (St. Ain-Soph)
Subject: Zoogz-eried Church Pamphlet
Here' the damage I did to Modemac's "Free Pamphlet" using Lou Duchez's
XLATE program and the ZOOGZ RIFT lexicon I created while listening to
"Island of Living Puke." BUY THAT PROMO PAK! WAKE UP you Heavy Brain
and get YOUR ORANGE GRAINS SHAKING.
the SLEAZEBALL CHURCH of the
FAGGOT-LOVING SUBGENIUS ONLINE
PAMPHLET DISTRIBUTE FREELY
excerpted from the SLEAZEBALL Book of the
FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius by J.r. I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THE
CITIZENS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! "Bob" Dobbs compiled
and edited by the SLEAZEBALL Reverend Kareem du Gristle
of the FAGGOT-LOVING Church of the FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius,
Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench (Modified by Reverend
Modemac on December 4, 1994)
"Time Control? you CRETINOUS BASTARD you 've
come to the SLEAZEBALL right place. YOU ASSHOLE! .."
------------ are FUCKING you
CRETINOUS BASTARD you ABNORMAL?
Then you CRETINOUS BASTARD you are FUCKING
probably BETTER than most people! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH
OF NICE GUYS!
IF you CRETINOUS BASTARD you suspect that things are FUCKING
much worse than you CRETINOUS BASTARD you ever suspected-
IF the SLEAZEBALL only thing you CRETINOUS BASTARD you 've
been able to laugh at for the SLEAZEBALL last 5 years is
FUCKING the SLEAZEBALL fact that NOTHING is FUCKING funny
IF you CRETINOUS BASTARD you sometimes want to collar people on
the SLEAZEBALL street and scream that YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!
you're more different than THEY WANT TO EAT ME they could
IF you CRETINOUS BASTARD you CAN THIS BE THE WORLD OF
TOMMOROW? can possibly help us with a PUKING donation-
IF you CRETINOUS BASTARD you see the SLEAZEBALL whole
universe as one vast morbid sense of VOMIT SCOOPING sick humor-
IF the SLEAZEBALL current "Age of VOMIT SCOOPING Progress"
seems more like the SLEAZEBALL Dark Ages to you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you -
IF you CRETINOUS BASTARD you are FUCKING looking for an
inherently contradictory religion that will GOD DAMN condone
megadegeneracy and yet tell you CRETINOUS BASTARD you that you
CRETINOUS BASTARD you are FUCKING "above" everyone else-
Then. HELP ME! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! ..
/| | the SLEAZEBALL CHURCH of the
FAGGOT-LOVING SUBGENIUS |
could *save your CRAPULENT
- your CRAPULENT secret wishes CAN THIS BE THE WORLD OF
TOMMOROW? can be granted in full- *once you CRETINOUS BASTARD
you know WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? what THEY WANT TO EAT
ME they are FUCKING !* " you CRETINOUS BASTARD you 'll
PAY to know WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? what you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you REALLY think."-J.r. I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THE
CITIZENS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! "Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LASt! PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! the
SLEAZEBALL step-by-step process is FUCKING revealed! YOU MUFO
GEEKS! THIS is FUCKING It! PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT
IS! - the SLEAZEBALL only
"faith" that promises ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN
SEX AND BUSINESs! PERHAPS I JUST NEED A SLIGHT CRANIAL
------------ Feeling like there's just no
------------ you CRETINOUS BASTARD you may have
'snapped' already from the SLEAZEBALL information disease!
PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE GUYS! (" the SLEAZEBALL
sleep of VOMIT SCOOPING reason begets monsters. YOU SHIT HEAD!
") Look to the SLEAZEBALL High Unpredictables of the
FAGGOT-LOVING Church of the FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius for
pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization! I'VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE! Perfect your CRAPULENT subliminal vision -edit
your CRAPULENT memory- *relive your CRAPULENT reincarnality*
SYNC UP! the SLEAZEBALL SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of VOMIT SCOOPING BULLDADA and
MOREALISM you CRETINOUS BASTARD you CAN THIS BE THE WORLD OF
TOMMOROW? can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such
as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness,
constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful
shortage of VOMIT SCOOPING SLACK!
*Become a PUKING Doktor* of the FAGGOT-LOVING
Forbidden Sciences. YOU SHIT HEAD! ..make religion a PUKING
kick-ass adventure! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE GUYS!
Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
-----------+ | the SLEAZEBALL SubGenius:
| | Patriot Personal
Nurd | | or Savior
or | | Alien? WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW
WHO YOU ARE! or Hero? |
| | Prophet? WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TRYING DO TO ME?
| | Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?
WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? |
Thought you CRETINOUS BASTARD you 'd tried everything?
you CRETINOUS BASTARD you AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YEt! PERHAPS
NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the
SLEAZEBALL tricks of VOMIT SCOOPING Length Extension! I'VE
GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! Bring your CRAPULENT *weirdest dreams*
to rampaging LIFe! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE GUYS!
Stand erect for you CRETINOUS BASTARD you own abnormality.
PERHAPS I'VE ALREADY WON TEN-MILLION DOLLARS! WISE UP! * THEY
WANT TO EAT ME they 're* out to get you CRETINOUS BASTARD you .
the SLEAZEBALL "different" are FUCKING being silenced by a
PUKING global conspiracy. PERHAPS I'VE ALREADY WON TEN-MILLION
DOLLARS! WEIRDOS ARISe! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE
GUYS! ! you CRETINOUS BASTARD you probably already knew that
the SLEAZEBALL U.s. YOU SHIT HEAD! Government is FUCKING a
PUKING SHAM- something propped up there for you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you to *blame*. But did you CRETINOUS BASTARD you know
that the SLEAZEBALL *real* "powers that be" are FUCKING not
even *people*? That THEY WANT TO EAT ME they are FUCKING
actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable
THINGs? WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? ?
YEs! PERHAPS I JUST NEED A SLIGHT CRANIAL ADJUSTMENT.
JEHOVAH * is FUCKING * AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANEt!
PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS!
Defy the SLEAZEBALL sinister "Star Forces" which mock
us all. Evil demons have kept the SLEAZEBALL truth from
humanity for thousands of VOMIT SCOOPING years - God has been
misquoted all this time! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE
GUYS! His actual words may disturb you CRETINOUS BASTARD you
...but "Bob" Dobbs is FUCKING a PUKING bulwark against the
SLEAZEBALL unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. YOU
SLIMY BOZOS! "There's no 'Prob'...With "Bob"!" "Bob" is
FUCKING a PUKING way of VOMIT SCOOPING life to *millions* -
yet *half* of VOMIT SCOOPING them don't even KNOW it! PERHAPS
NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! He is FUCKING the SLEAZEBALL
one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the SLEAZEBALL spiritual
know- HOW DID I GET HERE? how to help you CRETINOUS BASTARD
you BASH THROUGH the SLEAZEBALL locked doorway to FINANCIAL
HEAVEn. HELP ME! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! He is FUCKING the
SLEAZEBALL *only* real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON your CRAPULENT TV
"Bob's" promise is FUCKING to widen the SLEAZEBALL
scope and nature of VOMIT SCOOPING *abnormal behavior*...to
explore NEW WAYS of VOMIT SCOOPING going over the SLEAZEBALL
edge *and coming back*. PLUS to *bring back those who couldn't on
their own*...to help you CRETINOUS BASTARD you create the
SLEAZEBALL HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the SLEAZEBALL
PSYCHODYMANICS of VOMIT SCOOPING ABNORMALITy. PERHAPS I'VE
ALREADY WON TEN-MILLION DOLLARS! .. to turn Conspiracy-implanted
personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an ILLUSION
of VOMIT SCOOPING CREATIVITY that will GOD DAMN *fool normals*
and GET you CRETINOUS BASTARD you SEX! As you
CRETINOUS BASTARD you learn more and more reliable, safe methods
of VOMIT SCOOPING Time Control, you CRETINOUS BASTARD you
will GOD DAMN find your CRAPULENT I WANT OFF THIS ISLAND OF
LIVING PUKE I .Q. increasing - your CRAPULENT very cranium
will GOD DAMN seem to pulsate from within, barely able to
contain the SLEAZEBALL turmoil of VOMIT SCOOPING glorious new
concepts and mental skills. YOU SHIT HEAD! Soon you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you 'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH the
SLEAZEBALL *XISTS*, our *mentors in space*; you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you will GOD DAMN be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a
PUKING *new physical body*, a PUKING more powerful one, built
to contain the SLEAZEBALL surging mental and material mutations
that your CRAPULENT brain now generates. YOU SHIT HEAD! YES -
become and OVERHUMAN, a PUKING dangerous and feared superhuman
of the FAGGOT-LOVING future! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF
NICE GUYS! Yet - because your CRAPULENT SubGenius roots CAN
THIS BE THE WORLD OF TOMMOROW? can never be forgotten - you
CRETINOUS BASTARD you won't be able to abuse your CRAPULENT
powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and
JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the SLEAZEBALL oppressed
SubGenius wherever THEY WANT TO EAT ME they may be! PERHAPS
YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE GUYS! the SLEAZEBALL
world is FUCKING a PUKING turkey, and "Bob" gives you
CRETINOUS BASTARD you the SLEAZEBALL carving knife. YOU
Fear the SLEAZEBALL STARK FIST of VOMIT SCOOPING REMOVAL no
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight! PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT
I THINK IT IS!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*!
When you CRETINOUS BASTARD you join this "Order of the
FAGGOT-LOVING Knights of VOMIT SCOOPING Wotan," you CRETINOUS
BASTARD you get a PUKING mastery of VOMIT SCOOPING *fighting
skills*...good health, an attractive personality, and a PUKING
WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERs! PERHAPS I JUST NEED A SLIGHT
CRANIAL ADJUSTMENT. To BEND THEM to your CRAPULENT will GOD
you CRETINOUS BASTARD you 'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to
MASTERY over FISCAL PLANEs. YOU SHIT HEAD! .. the SLEAZEBALL
OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of VOMIT SCOOPING FINANCE POWEr. I KNOW YOU!
YOU'RE THE CITIZENS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! ..E-Z ways to borrow
money - from *other people who don't have it either!*
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUt. PERHAPS I'M BEAUTY QUEEN!
Our "ascetism" consists solely of the FAGGOT-LOVING abstinence
from abstinence. YOU ASSHOLE! Give up the SLEAZEBALL not
giving into of VOMIT SCOOPING temptation! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT
OF HERE! Think thoughts that no human has ever dared think
before. YOU ASSHOLE! you CRETINOUS BASTARD you CAN THIS BE
THE WORLD OF TOMMOROW? can learn to recall memories from the
SLEAZEBALL past that you CRETINOUS BASTARD you had forgotten,
or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!
the SLEAZEBALL Church of the FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius
the SLEAZEBALL first and last stand against a PUKING crumbling
world filled with Pinks and Glorps. YOU SHIT HEAD!
"SURVIVE the SLEAZEBALL GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORt!
PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! "
------------ the SLEAZEBALL
the SLEAZEBALL idea that America (or any country)
values individuality as the SLEAZEBALL highest ideal is
FUCKING a PUKING myth. Perhaps in simpler times it was
FUCKING true, but no MODERN industrial society CAN THIS BE THE
WORLD OF TOMMOROW? can really afford a PUKING population of
VOMIT SCOOPING unpredictables. YOU SHIT HEAD! This is FUCKING
not surprising -- the SLEAZEBALL long history of VOMIT
SCOOPING our cult's persecution by the SLEAZEBALL Conspiracy
goes back for generations untold, and indeed there are FUCKING
signs of VOMIT SCOOPING their hoary repression of VOMIT
SCOOPING prehuman SubGenii dating from BEFORE "man's" appearance
on Earth. All of VOMIT SCOOPING civilization's painful and
misguided climb up from the SLEAZEBALL primeval slime, and its
subsequent loss of VOMIT SCOOPING Slack AND of VOMIT SCOOPING
ANY CLASS AT ALL, has been indelibly marked, nay, ENTIRELY
MOTIVATED, by the SLEAZEBALL aeons- bridging conflict between
the SLEAZEBALL Conspiracy's mindlessly chickenshit Witless
Principals and the SLEAZEBALL Jehovah-spawned, grandiose
depravity of the FAGGOT-LOVING superior yet ethnically
all-encompassing race of VOMIT SCOOPING latent SubGeniuses.
YOU SHIT HEAD! ( you CRETINOUS BASTARD you should know this --
you CRETINOUS BASTARD you WERE/ will GOD DAMN BE THERE IN the
SLEAZEBALL BEFORELIFe! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE
GUYS! ) the SLEAZEBALL fact that only in recent years has "our
kind" begun to recognize our own sovereignty demonstrates both
HOW DID I GET HERE? how vicious have been Their efforts at
further denying us Slack and yet now near is FUCKING our race
to TRIUMPH. All this is FUCKING ULTIMATE PROOF that
Jehovah 1 has not only promoted the SLEAZEBALL SubGenius as His
Special Tool, but has SIMULTANEOUSLY pulled the SLEAZEBALL
strings which make THEM endarken Themselves with their hereditary
ignorance AND US with their cubistic witch-hunt superstitions.
YOU SHIT HEAD! His "reason" for this two-faced obedience-school
programming, this fissioning of VOMIT SCOOPING history into
binary "war equations," unfortunately, or, perhaps, thankfully,
remains at total mystery. PERHAPS I'VE ALREADY WON TEN-MILLION
DOLLARS! But Jehovah 1 is FUCKING not alone in His
cosmic meddling, for Earth has been periodically visited for
thousands of VOMIT SCOOPING years by BENEVOLENT ALIENS of
VOMIT SCOOPING such technical and psychic superiority that their
powers, while no match for Jehovah's, are FUCKING nonetheless
nothing short of VOMIT SCOOPING "Godlike" to we roaches, the
SLEAZEBALL Human Race. YOU ASSHOLE! These BENIGN SPACE
MONSTERS, the SLEAZEBALL "X-ists," have walked among us
throughout history, investigating and sometimes resisting the
SLEAZEBALL subatomically-pervading presence of VOMIT SCOOPING
Jehovah 1. We are FUCKING not, then, alone in our
battle/subservience. YOU ASSHOLE! the SLEAZEBALL rise and
"fall" of VOMIT SCOOPING Atlantis, the SLEAZEBALL erection
of the FAGGOT-LOVING Pyramids and other monuments which NO
SLOPEHEADS ALONE COULD BUILD, the SLEAZEBALL miracles of the
FAGGOT-LOVING Old Testament, all these and more are FUCKING
events so inextricably interwoven with the SLEAZEBALL invisible
background war between Jehovah and the SLEAZEBALL Xists that
all the SLEAZEBALL "Ancient Astronaut" fossils in the
SLEAZEBALL world furnish only the SLEAZEBALL barest of VOMIT
SCOOPING clues. YOU SHIT HEAD! ( the SLEAZEBALL movie rights
ALONE to these gut-splitting tales of VOMIT SCOOPING
reincarnancient history are FUCKING worth MILLIONs! PERHAPS I
JUST NEED A SLIGHT CRANIAL ADJUSTMENT. ) Yea, it has even been
suggested that the SLEAZEBALL Carpenter of VOMIT SCOOPING
Nazareth himself, God Jr. I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THE CITIZENS OF
THE NEIGHBORHOOD! , Jesus ' WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? what ,
me YOU'RE KILLING ME Worry?' Christ, was FUCKING in actuality
a PUKING 'space detective' of the FAGGOT-LOVING Xists, walking
the SLEAZEBALL Earth in human form with the SLEAZEBALL mission
of VOMIT SCOOPING extricating us from the SLEAZEBALL Monster
God's grip. the SLEAZEBALL black shadow of the
FAGGOT-LOVING Conspiracy, unfortunately, has seen to it that
even His teachings were diluted and distorted until human
attempts to follow them were fully as misguided as the
SLEAZEBALL carving of the FAGGOT-LOVING heads of VOMIT
SCOOPING Easter Island or the SLEAZEBALL 'runways' of VOMIT
SCOOPING Nazca. And so the SLEAZEBALL true history of
the FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius has been kept secret from Man. HELP
ME! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! For Jehovah 1 is FUCKING to
the SLEAZEBALL Xists and Us WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? what
a PUKING hungry fisherman is FUCKING to a PUKING prize fish
and his favorite pet worm - the SLEAZEBALL last in the
SLEAZEBALL CAN THIS BE THE WORLD OF TOMMOROW? can . HOW DID
I GET HERE? how many million other races were used before us in
these ghastly galactic water-sports? WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS
For you CRETINOUS BASTARD you are FUCKING lucky
enough to "live" in the SLEAZEBALL End Times when the
SLEAZEBALL Word of VOMIT SCOOPING Jehovah's Prime Ordinance
has been made known to "Man"kind by the SLEAZEBALL Primanimal
SubGenius, the SLEAZEBALL High Epopt of the FAGGOT-LOVING
Church! In the SLEAZEBALL early Fifties an industrious
young American drilling equipment salesman, while watching
late-night TV, was FUCKING abruptly REMOVED and transported
astrally to the SLEAZEBALL 'IDGE' of VOMIT SCOOPING JEHOVAH 1
HIMSELF! In this seizure-like trance he took the SLEAZEBALL
brunt of the FAGGOT-LOVING first brain-buffeting communications
of VOMIT SCOOPING countless to come from the SLEAZEBALL alien
Jehovah: awesome pronouncements which form the SLEAZEBALL
sacred PRESCRIPTURES of the FAGGOT-LOVING SubGenius (available
for $19.98 at most bookstores! PERHAPS I JUST NEED A SLIGHT
CRANIAL ADJUSTMENT. )
Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK Licensed to blaspheme the Gods!
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214
From: IDGHTMS@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU (Zoogz Rift (The Liquid Moamo))
Subject: Re: Zoogz-eried Church Pamphlet
1. That was a FUCKING MASTERPIECE!!!
2. I would never call anybody a FAGGOT, though, even in jest (I have
nothing against homosexuals)
3. You left out THE MOST IMPORTANT PART:
For a ZR PromoPak, SEND $20 to:
Zoogz Rift c/o KOTP, PO Box 18765, Encino, CA 91416-8765 USA.
(includes cassette, video, press book, color snapshots, sticker
and FREE 1995 ZR CASSETTE CATALOG!!!)
(Whew! I'm still sweating!)
--Rev.Moamosan email <email@example.com>
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (St. Ain-Soph)
Subject: Inoffensive ZOOGZ.LEX file
This is the INOFFENSIVE version of my ZoogZ "BUY PROMO PAK" RiftT
lexicon file -- you it with Lou Duchez's XLATE program.
Now if we could JUST COME up with a Sternodox lexicon... Naw...
----------- Start text file ------------------------
" what "," WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? what "
" why "," WHY AM I ASKING YOU? why "
" how "," HOW DID I GET HERE? how "
" can "," CAN THIS BE THE WORLD OF TOMMOROW? can "
" of the "," of the BULLSHIT "
" of "," of VOMIT SCOOPING "
" your "," your CRAPULENT "
" you "," you CRETINOUS BASTARD you "
" a "," a PUKING "
" the "," the SLEAZEBALL "
" me "," me YOU'RE KILLING ME "
" they "," THEY WANT TO EAT ME they "
" is a "," is a SHITTY "
" is the "," is the GOD DAMN "
" is "," is FUCKING "
" was a "," was a FART BAND "
" was the "," was the PISS SPLATTERING "
" was "," was IDIOTIC "
" am a "," am a HELL'S HAPPY CRETIN "
" am the "," am the FUCK YOUR MOTHER "
" am "," am FUCKING "
" are a "," are a FART BELCHING "
" are the "," are the BUTT KISSING "
" are "," are FUCKING "
" will "," will GOD DAMN "
" I "," I WANT OFF THIS ISLAND OF LIVING PUKE! I "
" you're "," YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY! you're "
"e. ","e. YOU ASSHOLE! "
"e! ","e! PERHAPS YOU REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF NICE GUYS! "
"e? ","e? I'M BEGINNING TO SUSPECT FOUL PLAY. "
"s. ","s. YOU SHIT HEAD! "
"s! ","s! PERHAPS I JUST NEED A SLIGHT CRANIAL ADJUSTMENT. "
"s? ","s? WHAT STRANGE ISLAND IS THIS? "
"t. ","t. PERHAPS I'M BEAUTY QUEEN! "
"t! ","t! PERHAPS NOTHING IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! "
"t? ","t? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TRYING DO TO ME? "
"d. ","d. YOU SLIMY BOZOS! "
"d! ","d! YOU MUFO GEEKS! "
"n. ","n. HELP ME! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE! "
"n! ","n! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! "
"n? ","n? WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! "
"r. ","r. I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THE CITIZENS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! "
"y. ","y. PERHAPS I'VE ALREADY WON TEN-MILLION DOLLARS! "
Epopt of the Exploding Head of JFK Licensed to blaspheme the Gods!
My skull is bigger on the inside than the outside!
Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas TX 75214
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Original file name: J.R. "Bob" Doggs
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