***
Love That BOB!
My Life in the Church of the Subgenius
by the Reverend Dr. Dr. (Mr. MD) David N. Meyer II, Pope of New York City, Idaho & The Great Pacific Northwest, B.O.B. {Beloved of Bob }, I of the B (Isness of the Business )
My life in BOB began in 1981, when from the pages of the most recent issue of the seminal underground graphix magazine RAW (edited by MAUS creator Art Speigelman) fluttered a stamp-size piece of paper. Upon that paper was a face, a face benign, all-knowing and infinitely moronic; the face of my short-term personal savior, the World's Greatest Salesman, J. R. 'BOB' Dobbs. Below BOB's face was printed the following questions: 'Do people think you're strange?' (Yes, absolutely.) 'Do you?'
I had to respond. I wrote to the Sacred PO Box (# 140306 Dallas Texas USA 75214) and received in reply a personality test. Among the fifty questions was: 'Do you get all cranked up and make elaborate plans that won't come off in a hundred years?' At that moment I knew I had found the spiritual community I had sought all my life.
And, indeed, I was welcomed as a member, selected primarily for my undying devotion to the Ramones and S. Clay Wilson. Nowadays, what with financial pressures and the ever-approaching X Day, the Church has become less selective. Now, we take anybody who's got $30-US (or the foreign equivalent). Hell, we'll even take you, if your check don't bounce.
It's unsurprising that I discovered BOB via underground comix. R. Crumb was a staunch early supporter, and offered a page up unto BOB in almost every issue of WEIRDO. The great underground comix artists Paul Mavrides (co-artist of Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and creator of Anarchy and BOB's Comics) and Hal Robbins (author of Dino-Boy and BOB's Comics) were early members of the Church of the Inner Joke.
The Church began in Dallas, created by the Reverend Ivan Stang -- currently hard at work on the Second Book of the Subgenius -- and his pal Doctor Philo Drummond. Both were fiends for all manner of Texas fringe culture (and it doesn't get any fringier): cattle mutilation monthlies, sicko radio evangelists, passive-aggressive paranoid assassination buffs, etc. These fascinations would mark much of the early Church literature.
One night, partaking of the sacred Frop, our founders recognized that since neither were rich or famous, they could not, by definition, be geniuses. They must, then, be Subgenius'! Shortly after this blinding revelation they discovered the face of BOB lurking in many early-'50's magazines. Throwing aside their worldly toil and responsibilities, they spread BOB's face via comix and mail art, and, as you might expect, the Church prospered in places where there was little else to do, hence the SubG hotbed of Little Rock, Arkansas, home of the Reverend Sterno Keckhaver and his co-hort, the brilliantly insane Reverend St. Janor Hypercleats ("Don't bother me, I too busy hating !").
Sadly, the inverted coolness of the Church also attracted (and continues to attract) many geeks, hip wimps, vampire feebs and those we call Bobbies or Gimme-Bobs, those who would take from the Church but who givest not. (Naturally, I know that none of the IDLER's loyal readership falls into any of these odious categories. None of you, that is, who has $30-US or the foreign equivalent). Happily, most of these Bobbies & Gimme-Bob's prefer the Net to real life, and spend their time harassing one another on alt.slack, the Subgenius newsgroup.These Bobbies have succumbed to the Conspiracy's most feared weapon: Technoboredom.
Technoboredom is an externally induced short attention span. Technoboredom is why rock & roll fads last a couple weeks and why The Flintstones is a hit. Technoboredom is why no one understands Clipper. The best cure for Technoboredom is Slack Sex, but you have to be a dues-paying member to know about that.
Despite the efforts of the Pinks, the Normals, the Conspiracy Dupes and the Gimme-Bob's, the Church is everywhere, misunderstood and co-opted, perhaps -- where do you think 'Slackers ' came from? -- but still proud, fearless and strong.
Church product abounds. T-Shirts, sweatshirts, our incredible yearly magazine THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, BOB jewelry, the ARISE videotape distributed by Polygram and, of course, the famed BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, published by Simon & Schuster. The basic bible, THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS is available at better bookstores everywhere, as are its companion volumes THREE-FISTED TALES OF BOB (action stories in a Subgenius vein) and Rev. Ivan Stang's exhaustive work HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL, a comprehensive listing of exactly that.
It should be pointed out that in his role as head of the Church, Rev. Ivan Stang is living the classic Idler's dilemma: he chose something artistic, amusing and subversive to do for fun, and the beast has risen to control his life. He now labors longer hours at greater effort for less money and lower status on his 'fun' than he ever worked on his 'career.' He is living proof of the axiom that the harder you work for BOB, the less Slack you get.
Sadly, so am I. In fact, I'm famous for being the Slackless Pope. Many think this derives from my basic Papal Hypocrisy - "I don't practice what I preach 'cause I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to" - or perhaps from the great and sacred power I possess as Pope, a power that Popes of less-hallowed, second-rate, Slackless religions would kill for: the power to fail! That's right, as Pope of New York City, Idaho & The Great Pacific Northwest, I have the power to fail and fail I do, often. You will never find an infallible Pope in the Church of the SubGenius!
Oft-asked questions:
Q: What is a Subgenius?
A: By strict definition a Subgenius is one who has joined the Church of the Subgenius by sending $30-US (or its foreign equivalent) to Box 140306 Dallas Texas USA 75214. However, in terms of personality a Subgenius is usually someone who can do one thing perfectly and nothing else at all, or someone who can do many things well, but nothing well enough to turn a buck. Subgenii tend to be shy egomaniacs and lazy workaholics. For example, do you think I'm getting paid one round penny for this piece? Then why am I spending twice as much time writing the damn thing as it warrants while the past-deadline work for my bill-paying Conspiracy Dupe clients sits on my desk undone? Why? Because I can't help it -- I'm a Subgenius!
Q; What is Slack?
A: We are all born with Original Slack. But from the moment of birth the Conspiracy and its perfidious, ubiquitous agents seek, with regrettable success, to take away our Slack. Slack, like 'soul' or 'cool', is difficult to define but easy to recognize. Slack is more often identified by it's absence, as in, "Oh, if only I had (x)," wherein (x) might be a blowjob, a million dollars, a tunafish sandwich or the slow painful death of your boss. Money can buy Slack, but Slack is not necessarily money. In the offices of the Idler, Slack might be a momentary respite from existential dread and three new CDs. In downtown Kigali, Slack might be a handful of millet. Some consider Slack to be Active Sloth, Acting Without Doing, Creative Idleness.
Q: How does one re-acquire lost Slack?
A: The simplest, most effective, most direct way is to join (for $30-US or its foreign equivalent) the world's first industrial church, the church of love and money, the Church of the Subgenius! Tithing to BOB that which is BOB's (namely, your money), enables BOB (once properly compensated) to guarantee the return of at least part of your lost Slack. In fact, BOB guarantees Eternal Salvation or triple your money back! What other church has the confidence to make such a claim?
Q: How does BOB get back my Slack?
A; By leading his loyal Subgenii in the ongoing, unending battle against the Conspiracy, for it is the Conspiracy that takes away your Slack and it is no other than BOB (once properly compensated, of course) who stands between you and the Pink Boys and Pink Girls, the faceless ones, the soul-sapping monsters who seek to grind you down.
Q; What conspiracy?
A: The Conspiracy -- the world-wide Conspiracy of Normals, Conformists and Dupes arrayed against the righteous, Slack-seeking Subgenius -- is anyone who seeks to take away your Slack. The Conspiracy is no metaphor! The Conspiracy is a living breathing monster, a hulking succubus and, due to the many faces it wears, is limitless in its destructive energies. Think of the myriad agents who seek to take away your Slack on a daily basis: snotty shopkeepers, know-it-all rock critics, your parents, co-workers who steal credit for your efforts, arms dealers, Ace of Bass. Ever wonder why things don't go your way? Ever wonder why you, of all people, don't have the Slack that you deserve? Perhaps, you carry the rogue Subgenius gene without even knowing it. Perhaps you've been targeted by the Conspiracy to be ground into dust unless you conform. If so, you've got to fight!
Q: So, in order to be a true Subgenius, one must follow BOB?
A: Only to a point. BOB (once properly compensated) wants his minions to pull the wool over their own eyes. You see, all our lives we've been sold everyone else's wool. Our parents wool, our church's wool, our teachers wool. But when you pull the wool over your own eyes, when you relax in the safety of your own delusions, in five minutes you'll be so bored you'll do what BOB (once properly compensated) wants you to do: you'll start thinking for yourself! BOB is that rarest of gurus. BOB is a short-term personal savior!
And, let me hasten to say that BOB does not, like so many spiritual leaders, want your soul. That is, he doesn't want all of your soul. BOB only wants that minuscule part of your soul that smudges off onto your dollar bills (or, in the case of our friends from the United Kingdom, onto your pound notes).
Q: What is the Subgenius path to inner peace?
A: The Church offers an ancient sacred ritual, the ritual of Excremediation. If one Excremeditates often, calmly, richly, fully, one will gain a peace and understanding astounding in its depth. I can say without question that the most profound insights into my life as a Subgenius have occurred as I languished in the Excremediation chamber. I ask you, when but in Excremediation are you more at peace, more in control or more fully aware of what you are doing? In fact THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS is deliberately designed to be read while Excremeditating. It's non-linear, short-attention span construction is perfect for those who must absorb knowledge during their brief moments of respite from the battle against the Conspiracy.
A few basic rules:
1- THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
(See text)
2 -FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!
(And most of them can't.)
3 - IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, DON'T TRY TO BE FUNNY!
(The most violated rule in the history of humankind)
4 - TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH!
(When isn't it?)
5 - PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES!
(See text)
6 - NO HIP WIMPS!
(Except on alt.slack)
7-YOU WILL PAY TO KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY THINK!
(Read the NME, do you? MODERN REVIEW? THE ECONOMIST? Enough said.)
8 - ANYBODY YOU SEE DRIVING A PORSCHE DOESN'T DESERVE IT!
(But you do, once you've tithed to BOB that which is BOB's.)
9 - INDIVIDUALS GET LONELY, TOO!
(Just because you hate religion doesn't mean you shouldn't have a church. Just because you despise humanity doesn't mean you shouldn't have a community. Especially if you have to pay for it.)
10 - OR KILL ME!
(The ultimate interactive mode between all Subgenii and any member of the Conspiracy. Suggested usage:
Subgenius (speaking to a member of the Conspiracy): " I demand my
(a) blowjob
(b) million dollars (c) tunafish sandwich or (d) boss' slow painful death right now OR JUST KILL ME!"
When confronted with a dedicated OR KILL ME! Subgenius, the Conspiracy has no choice but to yield. And if it doesn't -- so what? Remember, Eternal Salvation or triple your money back!)
!PRAISE BOB!
---------------------------------------------------
From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)
Subject: Re: Interview w/ Pope Meyer
In article <mtownsend-2704951442510001@ip42.portland.me.interramp.com>,
mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend) wrote:
> In THE IDLER, the "Isness of the Business" said:
>
> >Happily, most of these Bobbies & Gimme-Bob's
> >prefer the Net to real life, and spend their time harassing one another on
> >alt.slack, the Subgenius newsgroup.These Bobbies have succumbed to the
> >Conspiracy's most feared weapon: Technoboredom.
>
> So YOU say! And what have YOU done for the Church lately, Pope Meyer,
> other than this sadly out-of-date article in some obscure Brit
> publication?
Actually, alt.slack was indeed pretty pathetic until about August or
so. It's all my fault, since I didn't whip it into shape sooner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I say we just bomb a few strategic spots in the midwest. I mean, so
what if it kills a few innocent civilians? We'll teach 'em a lesson right?
They won't go bombing federal buildings no more ..."
-- Somebody or other, on how to deal with the Oklahoma City bombers
(espousing the same tactics so freely wished upon foreigners)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: Interview w/ Pope Meyer
In article <mtownsend-2704951442510001@ip42.portland.me.interramp.com>,
mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend) wrote:
>
> So thanks, Stang, for posting this revealing look at yet another SubGenius
> who's gone astray and lost his way. And so close to X-Day, too.
>
That wasn't my intention.
I don't think Pope Meyer has ever taken the time to give alt.slack a
chance. (He probably doesn't HAVE the time.) Disgust is a frequent
Net-newbie SubGenius's first reaction to alt.slack -- it was certainly
mine. Part of the problem is possibly that Meyer (like me initially) has
been seeing alt.slack through AOL, which believe me is a frustrating
process; the AOL list of subject titles doesn't tell you from whom, how
big, or how many. And it's REEEAAALLL SSLLLOOOOWWWW. David's article was
probably written a year ago. Also, David never has been very involved in
offstage SubGenius correspondence, partying, etc. We're not in very close
touch, but I still say Pope Meyer was and probably is still the most
dynamic SubGenius stage preacher.
Heck, just last night I got a disgusted letter from some other SubGenius,
also lost in AOL, who was ragging me about how "the Church has changed"
because "The SubGenius Newsgroup" is so lame. Of COURSE the guy had
absolutely no positive alternative suggestions; all he could do was
complain, and even then not very specifically. In fact, I suspect that the
poor devil may have been looking at the dinky, pathetic AOL "SubGenius"
area, and never even got out into the Net to discover alt.slack despite
the directions I have tried to leave everywhere.
At any rate, I think what turns off some people is that they get the
impression there's an "insider's" clique here. And they're right. What
they don't bother to learn is that it's actually quite a HUGE and VERY
VERY OPEN "insider's clique," one which can be broken into with just a
little patience, an ascerbic, sarcastic tongue, AND an underlying Slackful
attitude. You can hardly blame those who possess NONE of these qualities
for feeling left out.
Me, I think alt.slack is the best thing that's happened to the Church in
years and I'm only sorry I ignored it for so long out of techno-ignorance.
I'm gradually compiling the "best-of" into a book that'll blow most
SubGenius's shoes off.
Sure there's a lot of trash, but it's easier to skim past THIS trash than
the trash that comes in the mail. And the ratio is better here.
Most of these complainers have always had their Church delivered in
carefully prepped form -- books and radio shows. The tri-yearly Stark
Fist. A fancy video. The rest of the time, they encounter no other
real-life SUbGenii personally. No wonder they freak out when they discover
what it's like to be in a ROOM FULL OF ACTUAL LIVE OTHER SUBGENIUSES, all
TOTALLY DIFFERENT from each other. (Even the Bobbies.) The key to it is to
not become instantly judgemental the first time you hear another SubGenius
say something lame.
It's not like Dobbs said anybody had to be PERFECT.
There are those who consider me a snob. What they never seem to understand
is the reason I avoid THEM is because I got tired of hearing THEM call
everybody else a Bobbie. I also have a short fuse when it comes to
MOTORMOUTHS who never stop "spouting" long enough to realize they've long
since BORED everybody. But that's beside the point.
People who come to alt.slack for the first time and instantly decide it's
just a bunch of motormouthing Bobbies would not make very good Sacred
Scribes. The first week's worth of mail would have them trembling in
frustration and the first Devival they had to attend would have them
PUKING... because they would NOT be running into the wonderful clever
individuals EXACTLY LIKE THEMSELVES that they were expecting. Not even
ONE. Instead, to their horror, they would realize that the Church is
EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS IT IS (among other things), and would start loudly
calling it a TOTAL FAKE because they can't grasp the fact that it is
actually TOO REAL. I think they forget just what a term like "abnormal" or
"weirdo" really means.
Once again, we find that the One True Law can ONLY be, "Fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke."
I'm planning to include VAST TRACTS of edited, E-Z-2-READ alt.slack
threads under different category sections on the Giant Web Site. Maybe
that'll function as a buffer for the zillions of Net-users when they start
looking for Dobbs, something that'll give them some idea what to expect
and what to look for whenever they decide to get down and dirty in the
newsgroup.
On the other hand... how much bigger can a newsgroup get before it becomes
way top-heavy? Do we really WANT 5,000 SubGenii posting here every day?
That's probably a moot point -- most would still just lurk, probably. Oh
well... things to ponder for another 3 years...
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend)
Subject: Re: Interview w/ Pope Meyer
In article <i.stang-2804950848190001@net91.metronet.com>,
i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang) wrote:
>: In article <mtownsend-2704951442510001@ip42.portland.me.interramp.com>,
>: mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend) wrote:
>: >
>: > So thanks, Stang, for posting this revealing look at yet another
SubGenius
>: > who's gone astray and lost his way. And so close to X-Day, too.
>:
>: That wasn't my intention.
SARCASM. That's one of my best qualities.
>: but I still say Pope Meyer was and probably is still the most
>: dynamic SubGenius stage preacher.
WAS, sure. But when and where was the last time he preached?
>: Me, I think alt.slack is the best thing that's happened to the Church in
>: years
Ok everybody...doesn't that feel GOOD??
>: The key to it is to
>: not become instantly judgemental the first time you hear another SubGenius
>: say something lame.
>:
>: It's not like Dobbs said anybody had to be PERFECT.
>:
>: There are those who consider me a snob.
They're CRAZY! You, Reverend Stang, are the most tolerant, kindly,
open-minded, generous, wise old SubGenius the world has ever known! And I
dare ANYBODY to say any diffrent.
>: Once again, we find that the One True Law can ONLY be, "Fuck 'em if they
>: can't take a joke."
And of course, its inverse: Joke em, etc.
>: On the other hand... how much bigger can a newsgroup get before it becomes
>: way top-heavy? Do we really WANT 5,000 SubGenii posting here every day?
Lordy, lordy, hep me somebody!
-Dad-
--
>>>Dad's Crapulous Cassettexchange<<<
**Send a tape. Get a tape. It's that measly!**
Mail to: Dad's New Slacks - P.O. Box 4272 - Portland, Maine 04101-4272
::::or Will me for more email:::::
Original file name: Re Interview w| Pope Meyer
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.