The Scissors of Sight

art from Popess Lilith
I: History of the Scissors of Sight

The sole exposure of most SubGenii to the enigmatic Scissors of Sight has generally been through Basic Church Pamphlet #1. Most are so entranced by the cleverly arranged spazword hypnographics of that tome that they take scant notice of the two brief remarks concerning this holy if mysterious artifact. Yet we of the OAC feel that the Scissors could be an important, possibly indispensable tool in the hands or glands of those SubGenii unafraid to cut through the veil of illusion surrounding this world. For this reason, a crack research team has prepared the following dissertation in the hope that other Church Members might benefit from the use and/or abuse of the Scissors of Sight.

At the bottom of Page Fourteen of Pamphlet #1 is a brief synopsis of the goals of the SubGenius Race (as opposed, and superior, to Homo Sapiens). Here we read, as one of the listed objectives, "...to find the Twins with the Scissors of Sight." The obvious question is, what Twins? What do they do? Where are they? One soon realizes that we know not who the Twins are, only that we must and will find them with these Scissors of Sight.
There are indeed a large number of potential candidates for the Twins' identities. Only one seems slightly more likely than the others. Hidden deep in the Chart of Time on page 135 of The Book of the SubGenius, "Bob" and "The Other "Bob"" are refered to as "The Twins." Since we are given no definite clue as to the identity of "The Other "Bob"," a shadow of doubt is thrown even on this prospect. We may not know the Twins' identities for certain until such time as "Bob" uses the Scissors during the largely unexplained Omicron Epsilon event, "when all hallucinations are externalized". Should your organization discover any evidence of the Twins we would appreciate your sending this information to us, that we may forward it to BulldaDa Time Control Labs for verification, strorage, and, probably, dismissal.

Other possible Twins: The Upper and Lower halves of the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer; "Bob" and one of his many genetic spinoffs, such a Bib, Bub, or Dick; or, perhaps, the Scissors themselves are the Twins in the same way that a "pair" of slacks is actually one object.

Logically, the next step in our examination of the Scissors of Sight is to actually locate them and put them to the test. Again we are stumped. The True Scissors have been lost to Mutantkind for many centuries. In a private letter Reverend Ivan Stang told this outpost, "Noman today has those Scissors." He also said that the Scissors were most likely created from the remains of a huge "Atlantean Crystal," the misuse and subsequent explosion of which caused that continent to sink beneath the waves. As the Atlanteans were major contributors to the gene pool that eventually produced the SubGenius Race, it does seem plausible that, rather than trying to rebuild their lost empire, the remaining Atlanteans would instead build a few Power Icons before tragically diluting their seed by crossbreeding with ancient Pink-Human slave-tribes they themselves had helped to create. It is from this distant epoch (80-79 Million BC?) that the Scissors, and many other powerful but little-known Shordurpersavs, originate.

On the SubGenius Foundation's 1984 Sub-Arctic Expedition, several Atlantean outposts were unearthed; from these we are able to reconstruct many of their basic daily habits as well as their complex psychic abilities. One of the most prevalent Atlantean methods of divination was use of a scissor-like device to "see" the true form and meaning of things normally hidden in metaphors and symbolism. When Atlantis sank, a remaining tribe (located in what is now East Tennessee) used the shards of the Atlantean Crystal to construct a set of ÜberScissors by which they could not only penetrate the curtain of nonphysical un-objects -- the veil of Maya, so to speak -- but could also divine and even edit the cosmic worknet of events which we know as The SKORE. They could literally change The SKORE, and so knew true Slack in their lives.

But, all too soon, the "Mop-up Crew" of the Elder Gods' "Atlantean Demolition Team", the Xists, foresaw that, were the furry wild men allowed to continue using the Scissors, they might someday regain their former power. And so the Xists confiscated the Scissors from the West Eden tribe of Yeti. We have no theories as to what the Space Beings did with them; perhaps, in 'death', "Bob" may become an 'ultimate spy' of sorts and will find the Scissors for us. We can but pray.

II: In Search of the Scissors of Sight

Only recently, with the coming of Humanity's Second Great Chance -- The Church of the SubGenius -- have we been able to even consider trying to locate and employ the Scissors. It now seems logical that we, the dues-paying Members, should launch planet-spanning hunts for the these Scissors in hopes that, once found, they can be useful in locating other lost Slack Generators created by Earth's former inhabitants. It is only the expense of such a quest that stymies us, and so we must pacify ourselves with the purchase of the "Fake Scissors of Sight" mentioned under the "Products and Services" list on Page Three of Pamphlet #1. While the actual manufacturing of these "Fake Scissors" has been limited to a handful of dangerous prototypes, we at the OAC LabRatOrgies(TM) (in conjunction with Foundation HQ in Dallas) have developed a relatively safe method for construction of Fake Scissors in one's own Temple of Dobbs.

Find a pair of common household scissors. Do not use pink plastic safety scissors; if you want safety in religion, then this is most certainly not the faith for you. Most other types of scissors will work. Place the scissors on your face so that the hand-holes go over your eyes like glasses and the blades point upwards. Note that the "eye" of the scissors exactly aligns with your Third Eye (or Third Nostril, depending on your choice of Mystery Schools). Now, concentrate. Have a friend photograph you using your Fake Scissors and send it to the Bulldada Time Control Labs c/o The SubGenius Foundation. Because photographs capture almost the same amount of one's psoul as, say, a $1 bill one has carried, this will enable a trained Doktor to scrape off your Nental Ife contained in the photo (and the dollar(s), if you want to ensure the most effective possible operation). The Doktors will then make it available to the Spirit of "Bob". The "Bob" will use this power to help you "snip" a Hole in the very fabric of reality itself. The more of your psoul you contribute in the form of money, the bigger this Hole will become. So, calculate your level of interest against your available finances when sending contributions.

We hope you have enjoyed and been informed by this lecture, and that you will correspond further with the OAC, relating your own experiments along the Path of Least Resistance.
Order of the Avenging Cyclops
Reverend Dr. Onan Canobite
Pope of East Tennessee and Easter Island
Post Office Box 2321
Portland, OR 97208.2321

* Editor's Note: Since this article was penned, more concrete information on the elusive Scissors of Sight have been revealed to certain of us. However, we must not divulge it until the appointed time, the being the day a major publisher signs a generous contract with us for a prophetic novel or screenplay about the events after X-Day. A hint: the Scissors allow the user to distinguish between the Omicron Epsilon hallucinations and "reality," and to discern the sources of the individual hallucinations. Needless to say, such an ability will be absolutely crucial in making the Time Intersection happen in our favor during those terrible Last Days.

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