NOTE FROM STANG: This was an event sponsored by MacWorld Magazine "live" in November 1994, on America On Line (aka Americans On Lithium), the Great Satan. (I've caught on about America Online being the very "EYE" of the Conspiracy itself; I'm still forced to use them, but not for much longer, because every time I have to click on that Eye-In-The-Pyramid logo of theirs it gives me the very creeps, the shivers, the heebie-jeebies, the willies -- and not just because of the bills.) I didn't realize until the middle of the "chat" that nobody could get into it unless they were using both AOL and a Mac. Figures. I had announced it on alt.slack thinking anybody could tune in. (Only 7 or 8 people did, and half of them were the interviewees!) I finally got a copy, which, with MacWorld's permission, I here present here in its entirety.

I think this is actually a purty funny interview, albeit readable as such only for those acquainted with the "staggered typing echo" effect of online chats, or SubGenius radio shows for that matter, where four people end up motormouthing about two things at once. (I dunno how other systems are, but in AOL you can only type and send a couple of lines at a time, so if the other person types way faster than you, they may appear to be responding to you before you have even finished your nice long rambling sentence.)

"Zorca," or Suzanne, the moderator, an editor at MacWorld Online, is a friend of Vreedeez's and already had a pretty accurate picture of what the Church "IS," so that was in our favor. Vreedeez had not previously been "online" in any way, and I had only been an AOL victim for a few weeks. Same with the Hellsami Satellite Weavers, who with Vreedeez was the codesigner of THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS. Thanks to Zorca for letting us make our first big digital mess all over her virtual office floor.

11.27.94 5:54:13 PM Opening "Chat Log 11.27.94" for recording.

Zorca : Greetings online beings...
Zorca : Tonight we at Macworld Online are
Zorca : pleased and just a little afraid to welcome our
Zorca : first guests to the TechnoCultural Cafe. As
Zorca : representatives of the Church of the Subgenius,
Zorca : The Rev. Ivan Stang and Paul Mavrides, come
Zorca : prepared to answer your questions, arouse
Zorca : doubts, and instigate mayhem all in the name of
Zorca : "BOB."
Zorca : <>>>o<<<>
Zorca : Not so incidentally, they will also be
Zorca : referencing their new book, "Revelation X: The
Zorca : 'BOB' Apocryphon (Hidden Teachings and
Zorca : Deuterocanonical Texts of J.R. 'BOB' Dobbs),
Zorca : published by Simon and Schuster and available
Zorca : at the better and quirkier bookstores near you.
Zorca : Should all of this leave you a bit confused, I offer a
Zorca : quote from the Church's first book, "If you're
Zorca : waiting for this to make sense, you're standing
Zorca : in the wrong line."
Zorca : One hint: Give these guys lots of slack.
Zorca : <>>>o<<<>
Zorca : Oh yeah, the Macintosh angle...
Zorca : Paul laid out the whole book on his trusty IIci.
Zorca : Graphics galore. Many megabytes and even more
Zorca : hours invested in the project. You might be able to pry a few
Zorca : tips and anecdotes from him about the process.
Zorca : <>>>o<<<>
Zorca : We look forward to your questions and
Zorca : comments. In an attempt to impose some
Zorca : semblance of order on tonight's event, we ask
Zorca : that you observe online chat protocol. If you
Zorca : have a question, simply type a single question
Zorca : mark "?" in the text box and hit return. We
Zorca : promise to do our best
Zorca : to call on you in turn.
Zorca : <>>>o<<<>
Zorca : So, Rev. Stang, want to start us off?

SubGStang1 : Well, any questions, aside from where to get
REVELATION X, our amazing new Last Third Testament?

Mraller : Don't let me interupt - just listening in - first
time on ya know

Vreedeez : When am I going to be paid?

SubGStang1 : Published by Simon & Schuster, ISBN # 0-671-77006-3?

Vreedeez : ISBN no. is correct....

SubGStang1 : Your check is in the mail, Paul. Dobbs said so. He
also said something about your mouth, I didn't catc

SubGStang1 : Hey look Mraller, you think WE ever did this before?
I mean, usually it's telepathic. No typing..

Vreedeez : Well, that's one thing at least he didn't catch.

SubGStang1 : We have this MWOWM system, an Xist service, it's like
the Net but it's neural. But REAL expensive.

SubGStang1 : Trouble is, when it's infected with a virus, the user
is too. Sorry about that, everybody.(SNEEZE)

Vreedeez : Telepathetic communication

SubGStang1 : It IS sort of telepathetic -- most of these SubG
Apostles think about "sex" instead of Dobbs.

SubGStang1 : Philo Drummond ought to be here soon -- I just called
him by "snail-phone," he was changing diapers.

Vreedeez : Instead of sex WITH Dobbs....

Zorca : Greetings all. Suzanne here. I know it's time, but
let's wait a minute
Zorca : or two before we start.
Zorca : Until another victim or two enters our web...

SubGStang1 : I'm still trying to forget MY Initiation, believe me.
But the scars remind me.

Vreedeez : I remember how you got those scars, the big green

SubGStang1 : Oh, you mean we haven't started yet? Could've fooled
me. But then, very little doesn't.

Vreedeez : Heh, heh

SubGStang1 : Oh no, everything's out of sync! Okay, I'll shut up.

SatWeavers : Hey, guys...

Vreedeez : We don't have a check for you, either.

SubGStang1 : MY GOBBS! It's the Hellswami Satellite Weavers, The
FIRST of the True SubGenius ARt-Postles!!

SubGStang1 : It's a big party, just like those Dokstoks we used to
throw before the cops found out. Minus the Air.

SatWeavers : Now playing wet nurse to a ... we haven't exactly
classified it yet.

Bear63 : looking for pogue's oct 94 article. is there any way
to find it online?

SubGStang1 : Congrats on your new... whelping. Your... whatever,
Hellswami. I'm sure it's "cute." Talking yet?

SubGStang1 : Have you given your baby its own copy of REVELAION X
(greatest book ever) to color?

SatWeavers : Hey, is MacWorld PAYING for your AOL time for this

Vreedeez : That's it...give the infant MY job....

Vreedeez : AND THEN SOME!!!

SatWeavers : Lots of undulating gutteral sounds. Just made it's
first flight to 30,000 feet last week
SatWeavers : I was trying to inject the nutrient solution and type
one handed\

Vreedeez : I assume your baby didn't use an aircraft (and cheat)

SubGStang1 : Excuse me, folks. I suddenly started getting "instant
messages" from idiots. Like Philo.

SatWeavers : It's hard to find levetation pressure suits rated for
that altitude

SubGStang1 : I tried to talk to him and MacWorld at once and
everything got screwy. You should try it sometime.

Vreedeez : Our moderator is sitting next to me, chewing on the

Zorca : A fine Subgenius kinda activity, wouldn't ya'll say?
Zorca : I suppose it's time for the games to begin.

SubGStang1 : My modem bites back. It's not from this world.

Zorca : We at Macworld Online couldn't be more pleased

SatWeavers : Philo's watching, but not making contributions to
this blzae of on line culture?

Zorca : to welcome the Rev. Ivan Stang, Phili Drummond and
Paul Mavrides
Zorca : to our own digital night of overstuffed slack
Zorca : The trio come with new book in hand

Vreedeez : We lost our whole audience....

Zorca : Cheez,
Zorca : And you guys told us people would be here or they'd
die trying...
Zorca : Ah, well, hoardes will read this transcript and weep

Vreedeez : Obviously, they did.

Zorca : and gnash their teeth

SatWeavers : the attrition rate is usually pretty high

Zorca : wishing they had been here
Zorca : After all, what else matters?
Zorca : Is that a religious question?

SubGStang1 : Actually, I'm getting constant "Instant Message"
interruptions from this end from people asking how to
SubGStang1 : get here.
SubGStang1 : They think they can get here for FREE. Must be true

SatWeavers : I noticed there wasn't a lot of information on
getting here. I took a stab and got lucky

Zorca : SatWeavers, how did you find us?

SubGStang1 : Gee, it's getting kind of cold in this room. Have to
burn some SubGenius books to warm up.

Zorca : All the pages?

Vreedeez : The manuscript, we should have burned it nine months

SubGStang1 : If you burn the covers, stand back -- you don't want
to breath that stuff. Unless you've already
SubGStang1 : sent in your $20 membership or $16.50 for REVELATION

SatWeavers : Keyword MacWorld... MacWorld Live, then poked and
prodded until I stumbled into this dark little room

SubGStang1 : Oops, that Membership went up to $30 as of today.
SubGStang1 : The Hellswami is the guy that drew our earliest
"logo" type art. And now look at him.

Vreedeez : When do I GET PAID?

SubGStang1 : Now, St. Vreedeez, I don't think that's a good
question to addres publically. Uh... soon.

SatWeavers : I'm doing charactures down at venice beach for
Similac Money

SubGStang1 : Let's quit talking about mundane matters like your
paycheck and discuss this marvelous book. For sale.

Vreedeez : That's what you told Hellswami eleven years ago....

PDevine : Yes, I'm curious about the book.

Zorca : The "Bob" APOCRYPHON

SatWeavers : Oh by the way... Congradulatiouns on YOUR new

SubGStang1 : REVELATION X is the fourth and greatest SubGenius
book. The Horror Bible of our religion.

Zorca : Hidden Teachings and Deuterocanonical Texts of J.R.
"Bob" Dobbs
Zorca : Horrors

SubGStang1 : Yes, we the SubGenius Apostles gave bloody, heaving
birth to this malformed beast. Dobbs is the father
SubGStang1 : and Chaos is the Mother. Or was it Michael Jackson? I

Vreedeez : And Dobbs performed the C-section

Zorca : grandson of Elvis?

Vreedeez : And nephew to none....

SubGStang1 : That C-section is available soon on alt.slcak, the
Internet place where the dead SubGenii go to be b
SubGStang1 : born again.

PDevine : Did she say Elves or Elvis? I don't think I heard

Zorca : that's alt.slack, oh most honorable one...
Zorca : Elves in a few weeks, Paul
Zorca : Elvis always!

SubGStang1 : Actually, alt.slack is about half garbage (anything
Non-Dobbs) and half trash (anything Dobbsful).

Vreedeez : Elvi - dwarf Elvis' - HORRIBLE

SubGStang1 : Where's Philo? I'm gonna "Insta-Mail" that OverMan

Zorca : In those tight little white suits

PDevine : Can we get a taste of some of the hidden teachings?
PDevine : Or do I need to drink pepto bismal to taste them?

Vreedeez : An OverMan in a tight little white suit is the
closest thing to a teacher we have.

GSubG13er : (enters)

Zorca : Why is it that some people can get with anything?
Zorca : that's "get away"

SubGStang1 : I was just informed the room is full (!) and the Subs
have started their own chat room, ROUGE SUBGENIU

Zorca : as opposed to NOIR SUBGENII?

SubGStang1 : YES. I think they mean ROGUE.

Vreedeez : Let's burn it down

SatWeavers : Seven is the capacity here?

Zorca : Tonight, it would appear...

PDevine : No, 48 is the capacity.

GSubG13er : Seven? Naah.

Zorca : shhh

SubGStang1 : PDevine wants hidden teachings. If they're hidden, we
can't unhide 'em. I think PDevine IS Philo.

Vreedeez : It's a cheap hotel.

SatWeavers : 48 is not a Holy Number

Zorca : 13 13 13 13 13 13 13

GSubG13er : Room attendance can only occur in holy numbers?

PDevine : but there are two holes in 8

Zorca : as opposed to nine?

PDevine : see them 8 8 8 8 8 8, turn sideways

SubGStang1 : One holy number is 13013 -- because it LOOKS like

SatWeavers : The show will be expunged by imballanced forces

Vreedeez : It figures that Philo can't log on even under his
Vreedeez : fake name

Zorca : FAKE!!!????

SubGStang1 : All these other guys use fake names. I'm the onl;y
one brave enough to use her real name. I mean, his

GSubG13er : Attendance of 7. Well it's a FINE DAY for the Church.

Vreedeez : This whole thing is fake - this is actually one
person typing messages to themself.
Vreedeez : It's always a fine day for the church - THAT'S THE

GSubG13er : I'm typing messages to yourself.
GSubG13er : What, you mean we need more adversity.

Vreedeez : If only more people would read our book they'd be
able to understand this....

GSubG13er : (Where is Rev X? Did I come in too late to hear about

SubGStang1 : Yes, that new book, REVELATION X -- THE
"BOB"APOCRYPHON, really does explain DOBBS.

Zorca : or kill me

Vreedeez : It explains EVERYTHING. Even this.

GSubG13er : But...can I BUY it yet?

SubGStang1 : The book is just now hiting stores. The SubGenius
Foundation has 'em by mail. I bet the feds do, too.

GSubG13er : By mail!

SubGStang1 : $16.50.... SubGenius Foundation, Box 140306 Dallas TX
75214. ANY bookstore can order it.

GSubG13er : Do you take credit? Can I type my MasterCard number
right here!? Oo! Oo!

Zorca : from the back cover, "Beyond Science, Reason and

Vreedeez : We take credit for everything and anything.

SatWeavers : This media prevents you from seeing my size 13
cordovan soled mil spec wingtips

SubGStang1 : Uh, yeah... sure... go ahead, kid... type that credit
card number... we're all honest!!

Zorca : no, no stop!!!!!!!!!!!

GSubG13er : Okay! Let me just...hmm?

SubGStang1 : Yeah, Satellite, but it doesn't hide the fact that
you forgot to shave.

SubGStang1 : There are apparently SubGenii out there TRYING to get
on and being told the room is full!

SatWeavers : Ooooh... No kidding?

GSubG13er : But how? It's not!

Zorca : It'll create a mystique...

Vreedeez : 13er call EVERY bookstore in your area and DEMAND 10
copies and hang up.

GSubG13er : Look! 9 people and growing!

SubGStang1 : Yeah, here's my razor ... ready? CATCH!

Zorca : Hi Denise

Vreedeez : Aeeeeeee! Duck!

GSubG13er : Palmer, I tried that. Didn't work...

Zorca : oops

SatWeavers : The Information Super Highway is backed up back to
Trenton NJ

DCaruso : we're all growing, all the time. FYI, I'm calling
into an SF line from NYC, all NY lines busy

Zorca : youch!

GSubG13er : ditto

DCaruso : SUCH a sacrifice ... Hi Paul, Zorca darling, et al.

Zorca : Bet it's colder here

PDevine : Is there anything between NY and SF?

GSubG13er : Dallas?

DCaruso : Now THERE's a question.

DCaruso : I think we allknow the answer.

Zorca : howard johnsonville
Zorca : all the way
Zorca : DCaruso and I KNOW

DCaruso : and we have been there, haven't we?

Zorca : But back to "Bob"

SatWeavers : N.Littlerock\

PDevine : the land of the un converted...

SubGStang1 : Philo just called -- says there's no MacWorld under
Comp&Software on his AOL... is there a # he can tr
SubGStang1 : try?

Zorca : If you're waiting for this to make sense, you're
standing in the wrong line...

DCaruso : He doesn't need to do that, just keyword to Macworld
and go to Macworld Live

Guardian2 : Does anyone know what if I were to connect two CPUs
onto a SCS

Zorca : and there's no phone line for Windows users

Guardian2 : I chain

SatWeavers : Joyce says FNI

Vreedeez : We're here to break your chains

Zorca : Chain, chain, chain,

GSubG13er : Guardian--you'd see JHVH-1 for sure.

DCaruso : Don't break my chains, they're all I have.

Vreedeez : Chain of FOOLS!

DCaruso : Chain of foo.
DCaruso : Or fu.

Guardian2 : My opinion has certainly been chain-ged

GSubG13er : Hey. Watch that TOS, DCaruso...blah...

Vreedeez : Our poor BOOK - what's happened to this conversation.

DCaruso : Oh oh, what's a TOS? I'm not hip enough to know.

Zorca : I'm a fu fer love...

DCaruso : I'm not hip enough to answer that, either, Paul.

Zorca : Terms of Service

GSubG13er : Okay, my wife reads the screen over my shoulder and
says "Just a bunch of guys sittin' around." Well.

DCaruso : Little does she know.

GSubG13er : And she's an ordained Sub.

Vreedeez : That were ALL WOMEN!

DCaruso : Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost
on a hotel phone line? I'm gagging ...

SatWeavers : How do you get another hiball around here?

GSubG13er : No Head!!!

Zorca : clink

DCaruso : Women, gagging, it's all coming back around to
something important or relevant, I'm sure of it.

Vreedeez : Substang is hiding....

DCaruso : What happens if click this little "parental control"
icon here on the left? Do my parents arrive?

SatWeavers : Unjambing the disposal again, I bet

DCaruso : Have you sent for them?

Vreedeez : And beat you up...

GSubG13er : but then the wife asks if there's a site yet for

Zorca : for the invitations?

GSubG13er : Somewhere to show up.

Vreedeez : We're all coming over to your house. All 144,000 of

Zorca : It's a potluck...BYO neuroses

GSubG13er : I don't LIKE that Parental Control icon. Gotta hack

Zorca : Please...

SatWeavers : I volunteer for the crop circle brigade

GSubG13er : 144,000 of WHAT?

DCaruso : No kidding.

GSubG13er : Our apartment really can't fit more than 7,000.

DCaruso : Kids, I love ya, I gotta go. I'm sans expense account
these days, but I wanted to say "hey."

GSubG13er : Hey!

DCaruso : XO and break a leg on the book. Mazel tov.

JWOODY1 : First time in..maybe the last time

Zorca : Thanks darlin'

DCaruso : TTFN

GSubG13er : Join, Jwoody! Speak! Barf! Slack!

PDevine : *Welcome*

SatWeavers : That voice!!!

GSubG13er : Stang LEFT?

Vreedeez : That figures.

Zorca : Musta fallen off the wagon...I mean net

GSubG13er : Who will LEAD us? Oh, the hell with it.

Vreedeez : It's not like anyone has been asking us intelligent

SatWeavers : My NetBurger and Fries just showed up

JWOODY1 : You guys talk computers ehmmm.

Zorca : Digirelish on the side?

GSubG13er : The question about the X-Day party was real...

SatWeavers : We all want to know... WE DEMAND IT

Vreedeez : Well we REALLY are coming over to your house

SatWeavers : Prophecy on command

GSubG13er : *Quack* for those of you with System 7 Macs

GSubG13er : My house?

SatWeavers : *fart* fro those with your own sound library

Vreedeez : No SLACK!

Vreedeez : ,
Zorca : We;re writing down directions right now

GSubG13er : I oughtta upload some Negativland sounds...*eyiyiyi*

GSubG13er : Stang. Love that AOL.

GSubG13er : Do you realize I got Matt Howarth to reprint Love
that "Bob" in Post Bros?

SubGStang1 : Hello, sorry, my machine crashed, probably due to all
these idiots on here... it's like a bad SubG
SubGStang1 : radio show.

Zorca : Now, now...

Vreedeez : He's right, only we don't get to blow up the callers
like we do on the radio

GSubG13er : And I'm swelling with pride.

SatWeavers : *CosmicBigBangComplete With ShockWave And Flying
Glass* fro those with endtime sfx

Vreedeez : This is EXACTLY what's wrong with America today

SubGStang1 : Go to the cat room called "ROUGE SUBGENIUSES" next
door for other blabber. OK OK DILUTE DILUTE

PDevine : Are u not proud to be an American?

GSubG13er : Lack of focus?

PDevine : What would we do without velveta?

GSubG13er : Exodus? Yes?

SubGStang1 : These geeks keep pestering me by Instant Mail and
trying to crash me. I just want to SELL MY BOOK!!!

Vreedeez : I'm proud to be a pemican.

Vreedeez : I thought it was MY book.

SubGStang1 : Instead we get this half-butted Monty-Python wanna-be
action. We're supposed to be KILLING!

Vreedeez : Killing conversation.

SubGStang1 : Did I miss anything while I was crashed?

Vreedeez : SubStang1, this is why we must Lead them

GSubG13er : Well what do you WANT? DEMAND of us!

SubGStang1 : I guess that was a dumb question.

SatWeavers : We ask the place of X-Day

SubGStang1 : We must LEad Them to the Harvest. They are but Spuds
and Turnips to be rendered down.

Zorca : We wrote down it was at your house

GSubG13er : O Channel of "Bob".

Zorca : Channeling "Bob"

SubGStang1 : The place of X-Day -- the GIANT party will be in a
place I will tell you of PRIVATELY. Everybody

Zorca : Who is worthy?

SatWeavers : No, common guys, no kidding now...

SubGStang1 : else: it's at Ground Zero, Trinity, New Mexico. See
ya there for the big X-Day blast.

Vreedeez : It's all in the book.

SatWeavers : For the Rogues...

Vreedeez : Look it up.

SubGStang1 : We don't channel Dobbs... he burns out the speech
centers... we do "change channeling" only.

SubGStang1 : This is like one of the bad radio shows (as opposed
to Hour of Slack), but with a long echo delay.

SatWeavers : The pleasure centers get pretty fried, too

GSubG13er : echo delay.

Vreedeez : It's a good thing Dobbs isn't here or he'd kill all
of us

Zorca : "Eternal Salvation--or triple your money back." From
the back cover of Revelation X

GSubG13er : Oh no.

SubGStang1 : I have a book with a knob on it... turn the knob to
10 and your pleasure center lights up... that book

GSubG13er :
SubGStang1 : is of course REVELATION X, easily ordered from Simon
& Schuster by better stores everywhere.

Zorca : knob?

GSubG13er : A book "in the know," Zorca. Get it? Hep?

Zorca : even worse bookstores on occasion


Vreedeez : and garage sales

GSubG13er : "with a know" instant new rubric. Repeat everywhere.

Zorca : Knob Bob

SubGStang1 : The Book to Go Buy.

Vreedeez : praise knob!

SatWeavers : You can only find the knob once you've mastered the
arts of the Yacatazmix

SubGStang1 : And you can read about how the Yacatisma unfold a
living carpet of terror in REV-X

GSubG13er : I found the knob.

Vreedeez : I haven't even mastered the chex-mix.


Zorca : chain, chain chain...

SatWeavers : Greg Bishop unearthed a stone tablit with a
proto-knob out in the Mojave last week


Vreedeez : Tell them about the pipe, Reverend Stang.

GSubG13er : The Knob of "Bob:

GSubG13er : :boB"
GSubG13er : "Bob"

SubGStang1 : Oh yeah, the Pipe -- it's not really DOBBS running
things, but the P-- YAAARRGH!!

Zorca : how come my keyboard is smoking?

GSubG13er : Where is that thing I had...

SubGStang1 : Stop prattling, you'll draw the attention of The
AntiBob -- ,,oBo,, the Evile One.

Zorca : The Elvis One?

SatWeavers : Emoticons have been discovered to be Satanic
invitations to soul abandonment

SubGStang1 : "Without thy Pipe, Thinst Keyboard Shall Smokest" --
Janorians 9:14

Zorca : I BELIEVE!!!!!!


Zorca : SATANg, a great Thai dish as I recall

SubGStang1 : "REVELATION X is BEYOND SATANISM" -- Paul Mavrides,
Famous Artist

Zorca : Infamous is what i heard...

Vreedeez : That's unfamous

SubGStang1 : "The Greatest Story Ever Told -- If Earth Can Make It
to the Punchline" -- Anon. P.R. Hack

SatWeavers : Infalmous more likely

Zorca : I always did have trouble with latin prefixes

GSubG13er : OBO -- emoticon of shouting, goggle-eyed, behaloed

Vreedeez : That's more like it....

SubGStang1 : I guess Philo gave up, since he uses Windows...

Zorca : Like most subgenii, it would seem

SatWeavers : uhh... i mean inlfamous
SatWeavers : No make that Ifflamous

SubGStang1 : We prefer the Windows of the Soul -- not the eyes,
no, but the EYEGLASSES. The Filthy Windows...

Vreedeez : This is truely God's answer to Fundamentalism

GSubG13er : A question from the wings: Anyone know the age
demographics of the Church?

SatWeavers : Which makes everyone else peeping toms

SubGStang1 : Hell, it's even God's answer to FUNDALIGIONISM!

Vreedeez : And this MacWorld live session is certainly worth the
$6K investment in computer equipment.

SubGStang1 : The SubGenius members are as old as the mountains and
as young as the streams.

Zorca : We can take a hint...
Zorca : It's the witching hour...7pm here on the left coast

SubGStang1 : In other words, they act their IQs, not their ages.
Way off the Bell Curve in both directions.

Zorca : we can go on or we can . . .

SubGStang1 : What, we have to leave? Just when we were having fun.

Zorca : but we've done our duty to Bob and state

GSubG13er : Ah yes, my SubGenius Foods concoctions...

Vreedeez : YOU CALL THIS FUN!!!

SubGStang1 : There is an ongoing chat called ROUGE SUBGENII in the
chat rooms...

GSubG13er : Dobbs Brand Conspirastries: Sinfully tasty renditions
of key conspiracy figures and institutions.

SatWeavers : Let's play something fun... Let's play something fun

Zorca : Did you invite them?

GSubG13er : An excellent instructional tool for impressionable
young children.

SubGStang1 : Let's play "FLAY THE PINK"
SubGStang1 : I did invite them, of course -- I invited everybody
on the Internet and they LAUGHED at AOL.

Vreedeez : FLAY THE PINK 3.0, OR 4.0?

GSubG13er : Okay, Stang! Who do we flay first! (goggle-eyed,

SubGStang1 : There's a certain techno-snobbery out there. Among

Vreedeez : Let's flay Stang!

SubGStang1 : FLAY THAT VREEDEEZ GUY -- the one with the SKULL

GSubG13er : Stang stang bo-bang banana fanna fo fang...

Vreedeez : Somebody beat you to it.

SubGStang1 : Go check out alt.slack for the complete SubGenius
catalog & upcoming STARK FIST ONLINE details.

GSubG13er : Excuse me.

Zorca : He's bleeding all over the carpet

Vreedeez : "BOB" will save me.

SubGStang1 : Call the Doktor. Save the soul. Bottle it.

SatWeavers : and roses spring forth from his footsteps

SubGStang1 : And send it to: SubGenius, PO Box 140306 Dallas TX

SubGStang1 : Yes, Palmer, "Bob" will save you. He LOVES you.

Vreedeez : Swami, sorry we printed your drawings upside down.

GSubG13er : Anyone here not kind of...bored?

Vreedeez : Yeah, I can tell how much "Bob" loves me.

GSubG13er : Anyone?

SubGStang1 : Vreedeez, sorry I left your name off the credits page
at the last minute.

Vreedeez : Stang, sorry I cashed all the advance money and
forgot to give you any.

SubGStang1 : Hey, doesn't anybody want to know about DOBBS??
What's this Church all ABOUT anymore?

GSubG13er : Stang, is Dobbs dead or alive at this point?

SatWeavers : Thats o.k. If you cross your eyes my drawings become
holographic images of Dr Gene Scott

Zorca : And what about this Arnold Palmer guy?

SatWeavers : Who?

SubGStang1 : Dobbs is among the living undead.

Vreedeez : Or is it the dead unliving?

GSubG13er : Hmm.

MYBLUHOUSE : are any of you mac 610 literate w/regard to memory

SubGStang1 : The Arnold Palmer on TV is a satanic replica of the
Bleeding Head that we Launch every Sunday.

GSubG13er : I'll take the Mac question...

SubGStang1 : Poor MYBLUHOUSE.

GSubG13er : What about memory? Let's get this answered quick...

SubGStang1 : Send your memory systems to PO Box 140... oh, forget

GSubG13er : Or IM me with the question! Yes!

SatWeavers : I want to hear the SubDeenie slant on memory

GSubG13er : The Church of the Holy Order Of, PO Box 345, Park
Ridge, NJ 07656.

SubGStang1 : Jeez -- there's hardly anybody here to talk about the
book but the AUTHORS. Just like our signings.

SubGStang1 : 50 authors and 3 readers.

GSubG13er : MYBLYHOUSE? You alive?

Zorca : Yes, but thousands will download this drivel from our

GSubG13er : Hey, could y'all send me one of those digital

SubGStang1 : And boy will they be scratching their heads.

GSubG13er : Not that this was particularly PUBLICIZED...

Zorca : or Arnold's bleeding head?
Zorca : We did our best

SatWeavers : My kid has been choking on a cepholopod for about
twenty minutes.. I'll check you later.

SubGStang1 : BE CAREFUL!!! Don't mention that HEAD here! A
PreMature Launching could endanger the WHOLE

MYBLUHOUSE : thanks-pdevine. Need to know when to use 32 bit
adressing and how to determine ram % share?

SubGStang1 : Poor Philo couldn't make it... boxed in, trapped in
Windows. And I thought he was some kind of WHIZZ.

Zorca : It's a subsect...

Vreedeez : He is SOME kind of WHIZ.

Zorca : cheez...

SubGStang1 : Cheez Whiz.

SatWeavers : yelo snow

Zorca : icky

SubGStang1 : As Philo himself said, "Great Men Run In Circles."

Vreedeez : I thought your kid was choking, sat.

Zorca : crop circles

SatWeavers : Not a prob any more.

Vreedeez : Great men lie down in Crop Circles.

GSubG13er : No more more kid?

Vreedeez : So your kid was carjacked, you say?

SatWeavers : Lets say I will be putting an 18 lb cepholopod in
daycare tomorow

SatWeavers : yep

SubGStang1 : I got crashed again by the dopes that keep Instant
Messaging me.

GSubG13er : There's a way to turn off IMs, Stang...I forget it
right now...

Zorca : This is getting boring.

SubGStang1 : When you're on a chat, and you get TWO Insta-Messages
at once, KA-BLOOEY.

Zorca : C'mon guys, where's the slack

GSubG13er : I got your Slack right here.

PDevine : Not true. I've been IM'ing with 5 at once before.

SubGStang1 : A whole bunch of Slack started oozing right out of my
disc drive a minute ago... that's the whole prob

SatWeavers : Julia, make a contribution here:
mmkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllk llllllllll

SubGStang1 : Aw, how cute. The Hellswami's new Hellbaby can rant.

SatWeavers : Julia again:cccccbbfbbfnnmnnb tbtb

Zorca : Is that code?

SatWeavers : She's getting possesive of MY toys on top of the

SatWeavers : G'night folks

SubGStang1 : I think maybe I

Zorca : ahhh, thanks for comin' by...

Vreedeez : This is as good as the book PR is going to get....

SubGStang1 : 'll get off too, but there's SOMETHING happening in
this "ROUGE SUBG" chat room; they keep interruptin

Zorca : now, now Paul

Vreedeez : Kill them.

Zorca : Just because you maddened the poor woman at the
publishing house...

SubGStang1 : Make 'em pay up first.

SubGStang1 : Then kill 'em. Dobbs always said.
SubGStang1 : How do I get the transcript?

PDevine : I can mail it to you.

Zorca : It'll be uploaded here next to Macworld Live
Zorca : for any and all to read
Zorca : and laugh
Zorca : or weep

Vreedeez : and cry

Zorca : or join the church

PDevine : or wilder

Vreedeez : or die

SubGStang1 : Don't mail it to me, PDevine, I have MOST of it,
except when I crashed.

Zorca : or kill me. I got that right, right?

SubGStang1 : And boy did it hurt.

Zorca : we send you digikisses

SubGStang1 : OK, I'm gonna check out this Red-Faced or Rouge
SubGenius thing if they haven't all died.

Vreedeez : like over here....

GSubG13er : Stang--to disable IMs, send an IM to the screen name
GSubG13er : To turn back on, send an IM to $im_on (or just log
off and back on)

SubGStang1 : Vreedeez, you think this is bad, wait'll you have to
wade through alt.slack a few times.

GSubG13er : (courtesy of TechLive)

Vreedeez : SEE YOU IN HELL, STANG...


Vreedeez : Figures.

GSubG13er : So where are we going in the shs, then?

Vreedeez : I'm outta here.

GSubG13er : ..."ships, then"

SubGStang1 : No, I really am going now. Philo keeps
Instant-Mailing, senselessly.

GSubG13er : Don't listen to me...

Zorca : Can't you channel him?

GSubG13er : Jumping ship, the lot of them...

SubGStang1 : WHERE do the Escape Vessels go? YOU WON'T EVEN CARE,
once you BOARD!

GSubG13er : Can I get a window seat?

SubGStang1 : I COULD channel Philo, but it makes me smell all
funky afterwards.

Zorca : and since we all have our smellovision cards

SubGStang1 : I keep seeing people sign off who never made a peep
the whole time.

GSubG13er : Look, even OnLine MW is outta here.

Zorca : lurk and learn

GSubG13er : I have SmellBlaster 16. Stereo.

SubGStang1 : But the GREAT "PEE" just arrived.

GSubG13er : aah.

Zorca : Hi Gran, we're trying to go home, but "Bob" won't let

GRAN P : old grand dad

SubGStang1 : I just realized, I'll get BILLED for this

Zorca : hee hee
Zorca : So are we all in agreement that we've already gone on
too long?

GSubG13er : Welcome to cyberspace.

Zorca : Hiya Red, it's scary in here

GSubG13er : Welcome to the Infobahn. Pay toll 500 feet.

SubGStang1 : Yeah... I'm outta here... see ya on the flip-flop,
over by the Digital Sewer.

Zorca : every 500 feet

PDevine : 500, i'm paying every 50!

GSubG13er : response time just lagged incredibly...

Zorca : Enormous thanks to everyone who dared to stick it out

GSubG13er : AOL interface is frozen...

Zorca : so that we could chop it off.

GSubG13er : Can't see a thing.

Zorca : Did I say that?

GSubG13er : test

Zorca : "Bob" made me do it...
Zorca : Okay, I'm outta here...

GSubG13er : (are my msgs getting through?)

DuTrekker : Does anyone here know how to get Apple's attention
about 21 dead monitors out of 64?

PDevine : DuTrekker why don't you call apple?
PDevine : What have they said?

DuTrekker : They are telling me that a failure rate of 21/64 is


GSubG13er : oh my god, it all vomited out at once.

PDevine : Gsub your messages are getting through

GSubG13er : Good to catch you again, Stang. Slack to you.

PDevine : DuTrekker who are you? Just a normal person or a

DuTrekker : School Technology Coordinator that recommended Mac!

11.27.94 7:47:47 PM Closing Log file.


11/27/94 10:18:39 PM Resuming Log.

SubGStang1 : Okay, I'm here. Took for fucking ever. Now what,
there's just 2 of us. I was hoping for a crowd.
Mutafon : who else was there? what did I miss?
SubGStang1 : Now what's this about "no room" in the Macworld live
events room? There were only 8 people there!
Mutafon : I was PISSED when they said only Mac users could get
into the conference room!
SubGStang1 : You missed a few good gags but some ninnies showed up
who could type faster than us.
Mutafon : I use a PC, and the tech said "that is only available
on the Mac platform"
SubGStang1 : Yeah, I was surprised... but then, it is MACWORLD
after all. Philo was REAL pissed.
Mutafon : Welcome Kash
SubGStang1 : Philo couldn't get on, but Hellswami Satellite
Weavers did. His new baby got at the keyboard.
Kashau : Any pink boys lurking about?
Mutafon : Ivan himself is here!
SubGStang1 : I think we're the ONLY ONES HERE. But if that's YOU,
and that's YOU, then.... who's HE?? AIEEE
Kashau : Or are we safe?????
Mutafon : anyhow, will the transcript be posted in alt.slack?
SubGStang1 : I guess I'll dump what I transcribed from the
MacWorld thing into alt.slack, but I missed some.
Mutafon : that's where I was when you IM'd me
Mutafon : Philo couldn't get in either huh?
SubGStang1 : When you and Philo Instant-Mailed me at ONCE, my
system crashed. But I'll get the whole transcript fro
SubGStang1 : from MacWorld tomorrow.
Mutafon : Did you get the IM from Jehovah-1 ?
Kashau : Yes
SubGStang1 : Yeah I did, but that was actually what caused
everything to freeze up.
Mutafon : ::::checking profiles::::
Kashau : It was supposed to
SubGStang1 : I did tell everybody in the MacWorld thang, all 8,
about Rouge SubGenius. But it took me a long time t
SubGStang1 : to find it.
Kashau : No profile on me, Kashau is an alias
Mutafon : yeah, after Vampoid (jehovah 1) signed off, I saw you
had signed off, so I went
SubGStang1 : Oh, Kashau, you're probably Philo in disguise. Philo
has a million accounts.
Mutafon : to the internet center to check the newsgroups
Eye Dr Ed : Help! What does it mean?
Mutafon : HI Eye!
Eye Dr Ed : Oh. Hello
Kashau : eye eye, sir
Eye Dr Ed : cute
Mutafon : Ivan, do you use the chat rooms much?
SubGStang1 : Hey, Eye Dok, you know anything about EARS? I'm not
hearing in stereo anymore. Alice Cooper's fault.
SubGStang1 : This is the first time I ever used a chat room.
Mutafon : hard to get past the gayguysinidapers, and the
albinoeskimonuns , to get to the Sub room!
SubGStang1 : Alice Copper blew a feather into my right ear with a
wind machine in 1970. Fix me, Dok!
Kashau : plenty of slack here
SubGStang1 : So is this chat room in any way "permanent," or does
it go away when we all do?
Eye Dr Ed : but... "ROUGE SUBGENIUS"? I had to know. No stereo
Ivan? Do you have an intact eardrum?
Mutafon : Evil feather spirit COME OUT!!!!
Kashau : some persavs though
SubGStang1 : The feather came out a week later... imagine my
surprise, I didn't even know it was there.
Eye Dr Ed : I hope it came out the same side it went in....
SubGStang1 : The eardrum is intact, it just loses some low end and
high end. I probably filter my radio show weirdly to compensate.
Mutafon : how did you like those room names? My all-time fave
was pre-teens in heels!
Eye Dr Ed : radio show?
Kashau : Out out brief candle...when we go the room goes...but
can be recreated at anytime
SubGStang1 : There's a SubGenius radio show , HOUR OF SLACK. See
alt.slack for showtimes. Only some cities.
Eye Dr Ed : But if there is no one there to hear it....
Mutafon : it was kinda hard for me to guide you to the room
SubG, not knowing if the
Mutafon : Mac interface was the same as mine..
Eye Dr Ed : but again... wotsa SubGenius?
SubGStang1 : Even if there is no one to hear the Show, yet it goes
on. God and "Bob" hear it. My left ear does.
Kashau : who wants to catch that one?
Kashau : praise bob
SubGStang1 : WHAT??? "WHAT'S A SUBGENIUS?" That's like saying,
Mutafon : Praise Dobbs! I have 20 free hours on AOL, selling
the pink to the pink, and reaping rewards
Kashau : praise bob
SubGStang1 : The Church of the SUbGenius is the One True Faith for
Mutants, Misfits, Disbelievers, Those Who
Eye Dr Ed : yes? yes? -- takaing notes
Kashau : praise bob
SubGStang1 : Will believe Anything, it's the followers of "BOB"
Mutafon : yes, here I sit, chatting with ohter Subs, watching
Spice on TV, listening to DEVO....
Eye Dr Ed : Gee -- and I thought normalcy went out with "The
LalaT : I used to work for the guy who produced the
syndicated radio show
SubGStang1 : For info send $1 to SubGenius, PO BOX 140306, Dallas
TX 75214. Honest. You get a 16-page book.
Kashau : those words are from the Rev. Ivan Stang
Mutafon : smoking cigarettes, and drinking JOLT!
SubGStang1 : Or run to your bookstore and get REVELATION X or THE
BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, both Simon&Schuster.
Mutafon : Is it true the memship went up to $30
Eye Dr Ed : Simon&Schuster? Refuse to support the running-dog
SubGStang1 : We like to bite and then chew the hand that feeds us.
S&S published the ultimate anti-THEM book, the FOOLS.
SubGStang1 : THIS IS NO LIE. At least, the existence of the books
& show aren't. Everything else might be.
Kashau : might be? IS I rant.
Mutafon : saw the article in New Rave...liked it, although they
misspelled some stuff.
SubGStang1 : I liked the PICTURES in New Rave.
Mutafon : of yourself?
SubGStang1 : The pictures of the FREAKS.
Mutafon : or the plasti-babes?
Kashau : Hi Lala
SubGStang1 : Oh, I had SHORT hair when those pictures were taken.
Eye Dr Ed : define plasti-babes? Girls from NJ with big hair?
LalaT : Hi Kashau
SubGStang1 : Plasti-Babes: Barbies and Heathers... the Cage
Dwellers... Pink Girls... Female Human Normals.
Eye Dr Ed : <-- giving award to you folks for best room this
Mutafon : who were the guys with the bleeding head?
SubGStang1 : That was Dr. Howll Robins gazing at Head, Janor
Hypercleats gazing off-panel at Teats.
Mutafon : plasti-babes=large-s
SubGStang1 : Personally I prefer the real deformed gals in JUGGS
Eye Dr Ed : the ones whose implants have had implants?
Mutafon : JUGGS! is that the one that has the fat chicks?
(worlds raunchiest mag)
Mutafon : was that a nom modeling the boxers?
Mutafon : norm
SubGStang1 : Yes, they hired the "babes" to model our goods. We
didn't have enough tittie photos of our own.
Kashau : out of film or luck?
SubGStang1 : Out of film, really. We have wonderful UberDominatrix
Preacherettes but not enough
SubGStang1 : photographers.
SubGStang1 : JUGGS features 1 lactating woman, one OLD one, one
freak, and 3 Norms per issue.
Kashau : Lala===> are you familar with these matters?
LalaT : Vaguely. I like I said before, I used to work for
Bill Kates who does the production for the radio sho
LalaT : show
Kashau : Sorry, missed that earlier
SubGStang1 : Oh, LaLaT, you worked for Rev. Bleepo Abernathy? He
works with Stern. Stern has ARISE he says.
LalaT : Yes. I interned at K-ROCk 3 years ago. But I must
admit I don't know much about the Subgenius
Kashau : genii
LalaT : sorry...
Kashau : its Latin
SubGStang1 : Actually the correct plural of SubGenius is
ALTERNATING "Subgenii" and "SubGeniuses"
Mutafon : EYAAAAA! (just had to do that)
Kashau : And so I did
Eye Dr Ed : (beginning to catch on, I think) -- have fun, or
whatever you enjoy...
SubGStang1 : We enjoy fun and SLACK... boundless, eye-watering,
slobbering Slack.
LalaT : Do you mind that I am here? I am just trying to
Kashau : Cut me some
SubGStang1 : This isn't the place to LEARN... check out alt.slack
on the Internet but avoid PALINDROMES.
Mutafon : Are there any more Subs that use AOL that you know of
Kashau : The SG-curious are welcome at this portal
LalaT : Yes, I will.
SubGStang1 : I can't hang around here forever, I have to pack for
Cleveland devivals and work on ONLINE FIST.
Mutafon : I usually create this room when I'm here, this or
SubGStang1 : I figured it was a TRUE SUB who would spell "Rpgue
SubGenius" as "ROUGE"
Mutafon : mouth watering, awaiting that E-fist to arrive on
Mutafon : stupid as Dobbs himself sometimes!
SubGStang1 : I also have personal mail stacked up for the last 2
months. They must think I died.
Kashau : On Prodigy two years ago, I got a group of SG to move
to a fundamentalist Christian forum to
Kashau : have a devival
Mutafon : snail mail? or E-mail?
SubGStang1 : And I have to produce 3 shows tonight. One of these
days I'll get PAID to do this.
Kashau : Great fun for days
Mutafon : need devival in my area, close to Notre Dame Univ,
South Bend IN
SubGStang1 : You can hold an OFFICIAL devival by sending me $500
and a round-trip ticket. HEUNHH!!!
Mutafon : LOL
SubGStang1 : Huh? Whatsat mean? Lollygaggin'?
Kashau : laugh out loud
Mutafon : sorry, forgot you're new to this...LOL=laughing out
SubGStang1 : Hell, Leary gets $3,000, RAWilson gets $2,000, I
should be asking at least $1,000.
Mutafon : rotfl=rolling on floor laffing
Kashau : rotfl=rolling on the floor laughing
SubGStang1 : I'm the guy they call when they can't afford Leary or
Mutafon : <G> = Grin <EG> = Evil Grin
SubGStang1 : I actually had a guy come up to me and say, "I wuz
gonna give this pot to Leary, but he's gone so I'll
Kashau : Mutaphon: the above was spooky
SubGStang1 : give it to you." Gee, THANKS pal. It was crappy
frappy too.
Kashau : put that in your PIPE
Mutafon : spookly pookly
SubGStang1 : No, honest, I have to go across the room to the
"studio" and "make" the "radio show."
Mutafon : and pinks ALWAYS put this ---------> :) = stupid
pink smiley face
SubGStang1 : The equipment is held together by strings. Luckily I
get good tape contributions.
Kashau : enjoy, I'm singing off too
Mutafon : will be watching alt.slack !
LalaT : Good night
Mutafon : bye all
SubGStang1 : Yeah, this is getting to sound like kids babbling in
a sandbox. True Slack.
Mutafon : thanks for stopping in !!
SubGStang1 : ---click
SubGStang1 : Buzz
11/27/94 10:49:56 PM Closing Log file.


From: Dr. Philo U. Drummond <71764.777@CompuServe.COM>
Date: 28 Nov 1994 04:42:26 GMT

SubGStang1 ( wrote:
: The correct time for the MacWorld/AOL REVELATION X live "chat"
is: 6 pm
: Pacific time, or 8 pm Central, etc., Nov. 27 Sunday. Go to
: Live Events, Chat Room. It'll be a hideous mess of Hell with
: Drummond, yours truly and whoever else.

Hey that's OK for you to say IF YOU HAVE A MACINTOSH! Yes,
Unfortunately for the 99% of us that use a PC, we can't get to

I was supposed to be an interviewee on that same show, along with
those bigheads, er BIGWIGS Stang and Vreedeez, BUT the
AOL/MacWorld/Macintosh CONSPIRACY forced me out!! ME, the COOLEST
hierarchite!! Can you imagine that!! Even after they advertised
TO THE WORLD that I would be there. I felt so stupid as I
searched and searched ENDLESSLY, burning dollar after dollar on
AOL like some lost soul in the wilderness. Until finally, Ole'
Stang informed me via "Instant Online Message" (copyright AmeriKa
Hungline) that some other user told him thaty PC's couldn't get
to the MacWorld Conference -- like it was HEAVEN!!!! SHEESHH!
Cleric-In-Chief, Second Authorized MegaFisTemple Lodge of the
Church of the SubGenius / Drummondian
"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."

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