From: Andy Pope <email@example.com>
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 1996
Subject: [SubG] Tigers!
Akkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeila, my friends!
Bon soir, bon noir, bon motor car, it's that time of the month again: yes, it's St. Swithin's Week!!!!
For 3000 years St. Swithins's week has been held on the first Thursday after Wednesday of every calender month: and 1996 is NO EXCEPTION do you UNDERSTAND? 1996 is NOT to be EXCEPTED it is not EXCEPTIONAL: it is NORMAL YOU HEAR ME?
St. Swithin's week today falls in January, and so (according to astrological lore) falls into the window of the angry cheese. The window runs from Venus to the Pole star, and has, in recent decades, seen the constellations of the frightened mongoose, the flippant penguin, and Hugh Grant pass through its arena. So the question we are ALL that's ALL asking is: just what will the year of the angry cheese bring?
Well, not cheese, that's for starters. If you think the constellation of the angry cheese brings cheese related phenomona to some sort of peak then YOU REALLY ARE QUITE STUPID, in fact you shoud be put to death ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, that's the constellation of the HAPPY cheese you're thinking of.
What it WILL bring is untold joy to 0.14% of the human population: and that's not to be sniffed at. Euphoria will be felt in the following places:
a) headquarters of Panasonic corporation b) behind the disused church, near the supermarket c) Asia (THE WHOLE THING) so watch out if you live, or are
travelling through, any of those places: and good luck with being one of the 7 out of 50 people to experience that special St. Smithen's tingle!
Climatic changes will also occur: a reversal of the Earth's geomagnetic field will cause most people's heads to explode, so look out, and pack that umbrella! Typhoons will flood out most earthworms, rabbits, weasels, and other underground burrowing types: they will be swept out to the sea and lost forever in a flurry of wriggling, mewing, and drowning. Take your cameras: this promises to be very funny indeed.
Politics are also on the agenda: the angry cheese will be bringing democracy to the following places:
a) Mexico city
so watch out you Mexican types, big fun for you! Unfortunately, totalitarian cheese-worshiping cult regimes will hold sway over:
c) the moon
d) Australisia EXCEPT NEW ZEALAND
e) in fact pretty much everywhere EXCEPT NEW ZEALAND oh and of course Mexico city.
So a treat for all you New Zealanders in store. Interestingly, the name 'angry cheese' is in fact a corruption of the original form, 'Anregius Ceesita', which in the religious tongue of the ancient Babylonians meant literally 'Whoops there goes my tiger': the ancient Babylonians, who in fact NAMED THE CONSTELATIONS IN THE DREAM TIME, were very big on tigers, and felt that tigers would roam the world in the year 1996, devouring anyone unable to answer their riddle, or alternatively anyone unable to disect their penguin (alternative translation).
The riddle is as follows:
'Though through the air I go
I am not fog nor snow
Nor rain nor icy hail
Nor hurricane or gale
I have two wings to flap
And a peak for eating sap
I make a flapping sound
As I hover 'bove the ground
I will not tell a fib:
Backwards I'm spelt drib.'
Using the Windows 95 riddle cracker utility, this ancient Babylonian mystery has finally been cracked: the answer is: A BUFFALO.
If you prefer to work with the alternative translation of the prophesy, the trick with dissecting penguins is to start with a lateral incision, running from the groin up to the neck: after that, it's pretty easy. This would mean, however, that the tigers wrote the riddle just for a laugh, and this is highly unusual behaviour for tigers, who rarely do anything without good reason. I mean, like, really sound motives.
So all in all a promising week and a apocalyptic year! Those of you who enjoy free speech and the freedom not to worship cheese should escape to New Zealand as soon as possible (ie before the weekend). Those of you hoping to get some great snaps of drowning weasels should wrap your head tightly in cellophane in order to keep you skull together when the geomagnetic field reverses polarity. And remember:
b) Lateral incision
Well, happy St. Smithins week, and see you all tomorrow to celebrate the start of St Craig's minute, when we all try and remember those we loved who have died drowning in molten plastic.
Pope Andrew Joseph
ps Lotto numbers as predicted by the church are:
13, 22, 36, 42, 43, 44 Bonus number: 11
From: Martin C Sweitzer <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: [SubG] Re: Fake Chomsky text
>Anyone who claims to be, or is regarded as, an "anarchist" ought to be
>rousing rabble or somehow causing trouble
If that is what you think of Anarchy then you need to do some more reading on the subject.
Anarchy does NOT imply rousing rabble or causing trouble.
From: "J. W. Scott" <u9418672@muss.CIS.McMaster.CA>
Subject: Re: [SubG] Re: Fake Chomsky text
On Thu, 25 Jan 1996, Martin C Sweitzer wrote:
>Anarchy does NOT imply rousing rabble or causing trouble.
From: Dave Voorhis <email@example.com>
Subject: [SubG] Administrivia
I, your Ever Humble Immoderator, am going to be away in Toronto until late Tuesday. If you need administrative assistance during the next few days, please send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you need help with your personal problems, please run naked in the streets. It helps. Trust me on this.
From: "J. W. Scott" <u9418672@muss.CIS.McMaster.CA>
Subject: Re: [SubG] load the shotgun, please (fwd)
On Tue, 23 Jan 1996, Brian Robinson wrote:
>On Mon, 22 Jan 1996, J. W. Scott wrote:
>>[This is the reply I got after forwarding Brian Robson's "Chomsky letter" to one of Noamie's crazed idolators. Hell hath no fury like a self-righteous-man scorned...]
>>I don't believe that Chomsky wrote that e-mail. If he did, I'll be surprised.
>>The style reeks of a lonely intellect who's spent too much time with
>>Illuminatus(!), and not enough time with the opposite sex.
>Huh? What does this FNORD have to do with FNORD the Illuminatus FNORD
Just the usual Pinkboy confusion of the CoSG with *ism.
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 96 22:52 EST
Subject: Re: [SubG] Newless cluebies and other vermin
OK, I never really cared anyway. Just making noise.
- ---sambo =20
there's absolutely no reason to visit this URL, but go ahead anyway
you know you want to
From: email@example.com (Steve Denheyer)
Subject: [SubG] Shag ELF burns rafts
The microwave radiation being used to control me was very strong today. I noticed this in the milk store, which I visit often, because it's right next to where I work, and because there are usually pretty girls there. It is, after all, a milk store.
My head was tingling slightly, a result, I am sure, of excess plutonium in my bloodstream, which itself was brought about by the high-frequency electromagnetic pulses which are beams at me every day by agents carrying cellular phones, radios, beepers, etc. etc. Also by retail store security systems and car alarms. I could feel my blood cells shrivelling and dying, but today, I think my system could keep up.
I don't listen to the voices yet. That's how you know your insane. When you LISTEN. I paid for my chocolate milk, which I knew was laced with amphetimines, LSD, PCP and a host of other unplesant hallucinogens. But I knew they were there. And as long as you know they're there, they can't hurt you. Pain is the unexpected. I drank the toxic stuff (it was sweet, though) serenely, in my mind thumbing my nose at the agents who were trying to cause me to lose face.
My movements were long and graceful as I strode back to my place of business. I'm sure my boss thinks I'm embezzling from him. But I know for a fact it was the agents, who break in at night and attempt to steal whatever information they can on me, encoded in my dusty fingerprints and my footprints on the thin, worn carpet. The patterns in which I vacuum at night, and the exact position in which I leave my name tag. I sometimes stay in the store, after hours, and just wait for them to show. I have been trying to have a confrontation with them for months, but they avoid me because they are cowards who can only operate when my back is turned. Once again, I know they are there. They can't hurt me.
One of them, of course, could be bold enough to attempt to come into the store as a customer. I've seen this sort of thing before. One of them made the mistake of seducing me in the store. It was a subtle thing, his bedroom eyes, and I could see he was an agent right away, because his eyes were shifting, and I decoded their pattern and had him pinned in a few seconds. I got rid of him by yelling in my mind "FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF" over and over again and meeting his eyes whenever possible. He gave me some cover story about wanting to buy something. I helped him out, of course, but he made no purchases, of course. He left without further incident.
I did find out, later, that he left a trap for me, because my name-tag fell apart for no apparent reason. I think, in secret, he sprayed me with a slow-acting anti-adhesive in a desparate attempt to embarrass me months later. No incidents resulted of this, and I simply fixed my name-tag with some tape.
End of Subgenius Digest V6 #314
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