On the Nature of the Big Red Straps
From: David Lynch <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Many times an acolyte in the Church of the Subgenius has asked, "What is
it that makes these straps so special, anyway? How are they different
from these handcuffs I got from the police station the last time they
arrested me for threatening a public figure?" Now, the knowing
Subgenius may let out a condescending laugh here, but be warned that
naivety is no vice; remember, it is commanded that we are to experience
everything as though we are experiencing it for the first time. So the
proper response is to try to enlighten the poor acolyte, which the rest
of this article shall attempt to do.
For starters, one must know the five important types of the BIG RED (or
green, or whatever colour- the differences between the straps of
different colours will be discussed at another time) STRAPS. These are:
hemp, leather, rubber, iron, and plastic. Each of these possesses
unique spiritual qualities, and knowing the appropriate situation to use
each of these is essential.
Hemp is the only one of the Straps to impart the Sacred Rope Burns.
These most visible marks of enlightenment also provide the most negative
feedback from normals, so when one wishes to repel normals this ritual
is recommended. It is also the most twisty of the Straps, and can
provide support and guidance to a variety of odd position. Some
Subgenii use a form of hemp as a ritual device when 'frop is temporarily
unavailable. The filthiness and impurity of the black smoke is
emblematic of the state of debasement every Subgenius should strive to
achieve. In related developments, it has been claimed by some that rope
can be woven from the 'frop plant, but usage of the herb for this
purpose is generally considered a waste of a perfectly good substance,
so it has never been tested in public. If you're foolhardy enough to
use some perfectly good 'frop to form a rope, be sure to let me know the
results for future updates.
Leather Straps are formulated from the hide of the cow- not actually the
cow in this case, but an evolutionary contemporary of it inhabiting the
Dobbstown area. Being wrapped in animal skin reminds us of our prime
animalistic nature, and reveals to us the great tensile strength that
can come from the ancient secrets of the Yeti.
Rubber Straps exhibit a very smooth texture, and emit a shiny glimmer.
Subgenii LOVE shiny things. It's also good for bouncing on, reminding
us that Slack can also be derived from emergentile kinetic energy. No
other Straps combine the qualities of opaquity and complete revelation
of the physical form in such a successful manner. This shows the
watchful Subgenius the inner truth that can be found in that which is so
commonplace as to be impervious to being pondered, and the transcendence
which can be achieved by taking note of the irregularities and features
of the Veil of Maya itself. Important warning: Never mix the rubber
straps with any of the Holy Anointing Oils. Bad mojo.
Iron represents the cold, inflexible, and unyielding nature of the
Subgenius. While the Iron Straps are inescapable, they don't have the
snug, constrictive fit possible with the other straps, unless the iron
is heated to a molten shape and then formed around the body- an action
which is NOT RECOMMENDED except in Yeti who have mastered the mystic art
of Heat Imperviousness. The iron has been observed to have its greatest
effect when cold, however. Shrinkage of certain body parts often
occurs, nipples often become erect, and goosebumps form. These straps
are seldom the focus of a Subgenius ceremony, but are used to put the
wearer in the mood for the most extreme forms of enlightenment, and
often can take the form of simple shackles.
Plastic represents the modern and innovative nature of the Subgenius.
It is also frequently transparent, allowing easy view of body parts to
the voyeuristic and serving as a reminder that nothing can be hidden
from the Third Nostril of "Bob". Its synthetic nature reminds us that
not all truth comes from the wilds, but further that we can either
enslave technology, be enslaved by it, or best yet, both simultaneously.
A variant of the Plastic Straps is Saran Wrap. This allows a VERY snug
fit, but does not allow for the passage of oxygen in most cases.
Mishaps with Saran Wrap can serve as a reminder not to be smothered by
A few final words of warning: First off, recall that under NO
CIRCUMSTANCES are any of the preceding Straps to be used on Normals.
For routine torture and destruction any kind of standard gear from
Bondage-O-Rama will do the trick. The Straps are intended for Holy
Subgenius Rituals alone, and misuse can have extremely unsavory
consequences! Secondly, we here at the Internet Nucleus for Ritual
Information bear NO RESPONSIBILITY for unpleasant actions resulting from
the use of these straps, and we refuse to provide any information on the
whereabouts or availability of said straps. Thirdly, keep in mind that
the various labels applied to the types of straps do not apply to the
actual content of the straps, which is very difficult to reproduce in
chemical terms, but instead is a similitude of their qualities in
interacting with Yeti flesh.
That having been said, enjoy!
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