Don Lapre: Pink Boy

By (Lou Duchez)
Date: 4 May 1996

So it's Saturday morning and I turn on the TV, looking to see if there's
any good cartoons on at 6:30am (the time favored by preschoolers and
Lou). And my senses are assailed by none other than Don Lapre.

Don's got an infomercial running for his videotape-and-book package,
"Making Money". As you may infer, it's a sales pitch for this
collection that's supposed to make you absolutely insanely wealthy.
Now I can't object to a person pursuing Slack as he best sees it, but
somehow this whole spectacle was more than a little sickening to me.

For starters, let's look at Don himself. He gets this special little
gleam in his eye whenever he talks about turning incredible profits,
and all the books have more or less the same cover to them: Don
sitting in a pile of money with a wad of bills in each hand, a manic
look on his face. Now take a step back and see what we have: a grown
man and his obsession with little pieces of paper, and if you think
I'm exaggerating, try listening to this guy for a half hour. It's a
sickness in this country, dear friends, and it's not unique to Don: one
of his clients even said, in regard to making a lot of money, "I'd sell
my house, my car, my dog ..." The Con has seen to it that this country
is full of the mentally ill, and calls them "capitalists". Shall
I talk to you about SLACK, my brethren and sistren? Nay, for the
lesson is clear enough: follow Don's path and suddenly you will no
longer follow the goddess Slack but consort with the whore Money.

And note that they choose this particular time slot to advertise in: the
only people watching at this time are antsy toddlers and me. Guard
against the Con at every turn, o children in "Bob", for even to the very
youngest they teach that money (THEIR cheap knock-off version of Slack)
is a goal unto itself. The Con's tentacles start growing early in a
child's life, and I do not envy the parent who must counter their
effects. If it takes a community to raise a child, where can the Yeti
parent find a community capable of raising theirs? (Note: perhaps we
need to create alt.slack.daycare.)

And of course, Don is asking $99 for his collection. Sounds to me like
he's preying on people with his same capitalistic illness, but without
the ability to smell a trap. All that means is he's a little more
clever than the others with his brand of mental illness, and that does
NOT rate as a virtue. He's skilled enough to amass a very large
collection of symbolic territory and primate status (that's what money
is in quantities well beyond meeting one's needs); he should be smart
enough to find something better to do with his life. Instead, he's
serving as a role model to thousands because he's more mentally ill
than most.

But the most terrifying part happened when Don started talking about
all the fantastic money you can make with psychic hotlines. In
his own words:

"It was my friend Bob who talked me into getting a 1-900 line."

Bob? "Bob"???? Now I'm worried. Is "Bob" trying to engineer a race
of ultimate Pink Boys for some unknown purpose? Training in pre-X-Day
drills? Perhaps "Bob" just screwed up again?

Either way, let us learn from the lesson of Don Lapre. He does not
teach how to make a lot of money, but how to lose your instincts for
Slack. Do not let them convince you that you need more of what they
have to sell; they do not know you, like you, or even respect you,
and they do not deserve your business. Only "Bob" deserves your
money; send today to:

The SubGenius Foundation
P. O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214


Lou Duchez - -

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