I've been trying to grow a vegetable garden just for the shear pleasure
of it. There a lot of work and I won't really be saving lots of money by
growing my own food. In fact, I'll probably give or throw most of it away.
It's just that playing in the dirt and watching things mature gives me a
kind of high (not as good as drugs, but a lot less expensive). Everything
is coming along just great except for the corn. When it starts to sprout
or reach a height of about 3 inches, some varment comes along and digs it
up, snips it at the stalk, or shreds the ends. I've had to replant it at
least 4 times now.
I decided to put an end to this destruction by going to my local hardware
store and buying a trap. I was shown all different styles of traps. Heavy
gauged iron things with tight springs which were meant to smash an animals
head or paw. There where even many poisons which I could choose from.
These methods of killing were quite affordable too. Before I made my
purchase it all of a sudden dawned on me that it may be a household pet
attacking my garden. What would I do if I came home and found the little
pigtailed girl down the street, wailing and crying over her little kitty,
Fluffy, with half of its little head smashed in this trap (and you can
just imagine the look on the cats face too). And I just couldn't stand to
see any three legged dogs running around my place either. If I went with
the the poison, the animal would probably die underneath my porch and I
would have to endure the rotting stench for weeks. I asked if they had any
live traps and was shown a few which were not affordable. In fact they
were very expensive. These traps were an opened ended cage with a trap door
which shut when the animal entered the back of the trap. I purchased one (about
the size of a large cat), baited it with table scraps and set it up by the
remaining corn seedlings.
The next morning the trap appeared undisturbed. I could now mark raccoons
and opossums off of my pest list. I went to work and when I came home I
found the trap to be gone. I thought to myself "Son of a Bitch, Mother
Fucker, someone stole my God Damn, Sorry Assed, expensive Fuck'n trap.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck". It was about then when my neighbor drove by. He stopped
and shouted out his car window "Hey, I took care of that squirrel for ya".
I thought he probably saw a squirrel caught in the trap and just couldn't
resist taking it home, cooking it up, and eating it. Since he was a
Po-Bucker, I imagined that is what happened. Squirrels in Arkansas are on
the Po-Bucker food chain. They are battered fried, stewed, boiled,
sauteed, etc. I prefer my meat processed, hormoned, and served on a sesame
seed bun, so I wasn't eager to be offered a fried squirrel thigh or a
portion of boiled squirrel brains. I said "What did you do with it?" he
replied, "I took it out to the pond and drowned 'em". I work with rodents
and have found them to be very good swimmers. I would think that a
squirrel would be able to swim just as well. I thought maybe he tied a
rock to it's tail and threw it in the pond. I asked "Where is the trap?"
he looked oddly at me and said, "I threw it in the pond with the
squirrel". I wanted to pick up the nearest stick and start flogging the
shit out of this idiot. I said "I believe the trap was still good you
know" he replied "Oh!, I just wasn't think'n I guess". I said a quick
good-bye before I said something else and headed toward my house.
Now I'm a little bit poorer and I'm experiencing these terrible images of
a tiny squirrel skeleton, trapped in a cage, sitting at the bottom of a
pond. Thanks "Bob", for sending an idiot my way.
Rev. (I don't even like corn anyway) Mikey
*
I've been waiting a long time for
someone like you to record this moment - Shanti
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Berin Kinsman <torque@indirect.com>
Subject: Re: My NEIGHBOR the RETARD...
I'm sure you've thought of this yourself, but here's a thought:
Go back and buy two more traps, one squirrel-sized, and one Po'bucker
sized. Catch another squirrel in the smaller trap. Use IT to bait the
larger trap. When your neighbor falls for it (and he will, he will), throw
the BOTH of 'em in the pond.
--
Berin Kinsman torque@indirect.com
Publisher, L'Avventura Games
http://www.indirect.com/www/torque/lagames.htm
Original file name: RETARD
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