What HATH "Bob" wrought?
Here we are approaching the End Times. Witness the recent call
to drill for the coming of the Saucers of Removal. Witness the
spontaneous population limiting behaviors, even in countries that
gasp in HORROR at American fatal sociopsychological sickies, when
their own incidents themselves would have brought condemnation from
ENTIRE NATIONS only a generation or two ago. Witness just about
ANYTHING, for it's truly "ALL a sign of the end times."
There are cities of less than a million people with daily killings
reports, such as were made during war time. And THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
Only THIS time, the enemy is WITHIN. It's a SEETHING ANTISPIRIT
within the brains of that sadly too successful genetic "accident"
that has CHEATED its way to the top of the food chain, there to
POISON the entire chain, in a subconscious species specific SUICIDE
RITUAL.
Unless something happens, and happens SOON, the street gutters will
flow with blood like the drain grooves in a dissection table.
Something IS and HAS been happening, but the world has been too caught
up in its lemming march to an episode of self-induced punctuation of
the planetary equilibrium to notice.
That "something" is J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, and the vehicle of his actions,
the Church of the SubGenius.
Although the stories concerning "Bob's" and the church's origins are
many and varied, all are fully substantiated. And even though "Bob"
himself has not been seen since his highly publicized but
impenetrably mysterious "assassination", the course set early on is
obviously being carried out with meticulous precision, casting doubt
on the veracity of the reports of his death.
One need only look at the enormous success and popularity of this
"End Times Religion" and compare it with the severely varied and
contradictory teachings and even more severely diverse and
contentious followers, to realize that there is a hidden hand driving
all of it. Perhaps "Bob's" hand. Perhaps something even greater.
Only a few of the early members of the church are active in any way.
And although many famous people have joined, they do not provide
any visible support. In fact there's hardly ANY visible means of
support, yet this church continues to thrive and expand, its
maintenance arising from the same invisible source as did its
beginnings.
The huge compound in Dobbstown, Malaysia, the dark windowed
SubGenius Towers in Dallas, the many gatherings called "devivals"
such as the recent series of them all across the eastern half of
the US, all appear to operate far in excess of any influx of
capital of any sort.
It defies logic. And yet it exists and THRIVES. In a world lost
in its own death throes, there arises a source of renewal and
vigor. And all but a very few REFUSE to SEE it. Only a handful
of otherwise nearly all polar opposites of each other seem to
make sense of what most take for a joke. And while traditional
religions suffer from shaken faith in their leaders, and
multitudinous mini-cults come and go, this one unstoppable force
remains as a ROCK of REASON, rising above the landscape of a
world which otherwise seems hell-bent on self-extinction.
Governments and other churches ignore it, as do all but a few
obviously paranoid fringe kook conspiracy nuts. No investigations,
no congressional hearings, not even an Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
raid on a group reputed to have NUCLEAR CAPABILITY.
WHAT FORCE could possibly exist invisible under the very nose of its
enemy and be ignored?
That force is simply, gently, "Bob".
There is something unnerving about his prima facie friendly grin, now
seen only in his pictures, since he's no longer seen in person.
Something that the imagination wants to call sinister, although the
longer you look at it the less likely you are to believe such a thing
could be hiding there.
Perhaps it is just all a joke. Perhaps the government takes advantage
of this otherwise harmless group and lets them take credit for the
land holdings and huge hidden strongholds when they are actually
secret government projects. After all, their claims that God is a
less-than-beneficent alien, that flying saucers will arrive at 7 AM
on July 5, 1998 to save the SubGenii, that they true SubGenii are the
descendants of the lost race of Atlantis, the Yeti, are quite
outrageous. Perhaps it's a fake, make-believe, pretend religion
serving only as a vehicle for some humor and artwork.
But don't count on it. Not when the world is going to hell in an
express elevator and THEY are doing amazing and wonderful things
with NO MEANS of SUPPORT. There is TOO MUCH at stake -- an ENTIRE
PLANET and ALL LIFE ON IT -- to dismiss what might be the LAST
GREAT HOPE to SAVE a SUICIDAL WORLD.
When you hear their words, they sound purposely disjointed,
contradictory, irrational, and just plain crazy. But then
take a look around you, I mean a GOOD look. The very fabric of
social reality is fraying at an alarming rate, and NOBODY seems
to care or even NOTICE. They'll tell you everything is JUST FINE.
Everything is JUST PEACHY and getting BETTER and BETTER every day.
WHICH of these is CRAZY and which is the voice of SOLID, WORLD
SAVING REASON?
The Church of the SUbGenius may be just crazy enough to save your
sanity, your life, your very soul from the end point of the
hyperbolic curve towards destruction that the world seems to be
riding on.
It's NOT getting any BETTER and it's not LIKELY TO.
UNLESS . . .
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is as they say, the Salesman Supreme, chosen by
destiny to reverse the course of social entropy and SAVE the PLANET.
Those are the sides and risks. There's no telling what the odds are.
YOU are the one who stands to gain or lose. At this point, all you
need to wager is one dollar to find out for yourself. Not much more
than a cup of coffee, a little less than a gallon of gas. One dollar
will get you to the door so you can peek through the crack and see
what's inside. If you don't like it, you've only lost one dollar,
and you can close the door and walk away.
If you dare.
To find out if there's something there for you, just send one dollar
to:
The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
And mention the name DynaSoar. It might help. From the looks of the
world, you could use all the help you can get, and even THAT may not
be enough. But you can try. Or not. Don't say it wasn't offered.
===
Tonights musical offering:
OH HELL
(after Fleetwod Mac's "Oh Well")
I can't help the shape the world's in,
You're trying to ruin it, I'm just tryin' to sin.
But don't ask me to come save you,
I might do some things that you don't want me to.
Oh hell.
(Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell hell hell.)
Now when I talk to "Bob" you know he just grins,
ain't no use fightin' it 'cause he always wins.
Ain't nothing that he can't do, but if
you won't do it yourself, he won't do it for you.
Oh hell.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot
ll ll SubGenius Church of Scienfictiontology
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, Terran Occupation Forces
DynaSoar, Tibetian Rantarian, Chaplain : dmcclain@runet.edu
'Praise "0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010"' -- MWOWM
Elect a SubGenius for Last President of the United States
To vote, send $1 to: PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
For me: "SubPresident DynaSoar"; against me: "Kill Dynasoar"
Vote early, vote often, vote for or against anyone you want.
--
Doktor DynaSoar Iridium -- dynasor@infi.net -- Punctuator of Evolution
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
My brother, Dyna, tells it like it is. Can't you feel it in the air,
brethren and sistern? Is not the tension all but palpable? Do you
secretly look with fear at every stranger you meet on the streets,
knowing full well that that sweet looking old lady MAY have been a
member of the SLA and COULD blow your Pink brains all over the
sidewalk without any warning whatsoever. Good...you may survive.
These ARE the END TIMES, my friends. This is the closing of the old
way and the opening of the new. Will you be among those who decide the
fates of others or will you continue to be a sheep for the CON? Do you
have the BALLS and the FAITH to survive the coming chaos? If not,
you'd better get that $30 to Dallas, or your ass is a historical
reference come July 6th 1998.
"Bob" Dobbs brings us the answer, and the answer is "Fuck 'em." The
problem is that even though many of you have sent in your $30 faith
offering to purchase a ministry, you don't really MINISTER. You think
that "Bob" is going to FAIL, don't you? You don't really believe that
he can MAKE THE DEAL with the X-ists and save our asses, now do you?
And when you don't believe, you can't make others believe. A good
salesman can sell ANYTHING, if he believes in it. Start pulling the
wool over your own eyes TODAY! It is your sacred dooty to love "Bob's"
booty!
He CAN save us, even without the X-ists. He has shown us the path to
freedom if only we are brave enough to walk it. It is the path of the
humorous revolution....when the bad guys are laughing too hard to
notice that we've shot them in the ass. How do you make a Newt
Gingrich lose power? Laugh at him. Laugh at his looks, his thoughts,
his life. When he becomes nothing more than a laughing stock, he HAS
no power. "Bob" is always smiling 'cause he's always LAUGHING AT YOU,
BOY! The trick is to laugh right back.
Laughter is power. Go to a political meeting and wait for the
opportunity. If you are truly a SubGenius, SOMETHING will spark...some
fire will light, and when the mind is illuminated, shout it out. Say
the mocking/funny thing OUT LOUD, where everyone can hear it. Don't be
afraid to make someone else look like a fool, they've been more than
happy to allow you that same privilege since birth, haven't they? MAKE
FUN.
I don't worry about being stupid. I've been stupid all my life and now
I don't have to work for a living...yep, real stupid. I worry about
being enslaved. Honest to Dobbs, I do. I worry about the Gobment being
able to tell me what I can say, where I can go, with whom I can
associate and what I should eat, drink and never smoke. I worry about
the world coming to the place where people fear to state their minds
because it doesn't fit the politically correct position of the day,
and my friends, IT IS COMING! The only way to stop the enslavement is
through our savior, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. The only way to break the chains
is laughter, and the only way to get away from all this and not have
to worry about it any more is to send in that $30, and be waiting on
the lawn at dawn...
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
//www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gggor@io.com (gg gordon)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH YEEEEEESSSSS!!!! The Yetilini Power begins to rise.
The Harvest, ah dear friends the HARVEST draws night. We are ready
to be plucked for Dobbs as the skies themselves crack and the
stream of earthly time corrupted. Praise Dyno Praise the Rev Mutha.
My tired old glands quiver at your zeal, I had to get new batteries
for my pacemaker that I might receive these heartfelt preachings of
the IMMANENCE of THAT ONE DAY! (Not to be confused with that one time)
over and over again..
The portals of alt.slack have been riven, stale and stilted air quickened
by starchy, fresh new rantings which like some sweet anodyne
sweeps through these convoluted postings, and brings the true words.
Can ya feel that hate gland throbbing brother's and sisters???
Are you ready for it, that one great day when the fire of retribution
fries all those limp-fazed wagezombies that shuffled in front of you in
line, in traffic, in life.
Now comes the HARVEST, The Reaping of the fruited Grain of "Bob"
When pain and death winnow the bounty of Endtimes until only those of
you who have learned to kill Dobbs, stand firm and seize life by the
lapels and shake it into full awareness of YOUR presence are left.
How can those of you who fear these Awful travails that lie but
scarcely two years off be assured of your continued existence on at least
three different energy planes when the Cosmic Storms or the Yacatisma
knock this shithouse down??
Simple Dear friends, we are first and foremost a Thaumaturgical
religion...specializing in miraculous fixes and quick, if spurious,
solutions to ALL your problems. You never have to thank "Bob" for anything
in general, for any dogma, any set of rules. You have only to thank "Bob"
for Slack as you find it when he slips it to you....like that ONE time you
were late for something and the parking lot you just entered is the the
size of Bob Dole's hometown and all of a sudden...right by the entrance of
the building that is your destination,somebody pulls out right in front
of you and there is that ONE parking place that made the difference...that's
when you say "Thank you "Bob"!". When you hit seventeen green lights in a
row in heavy traffic, that's when you say "Thank you "Bob".
When you get a letter from the IRS saying that you screwed up on your taxes
and not only do you NOT owe them eighteen hundred bucks, but you have
a twelve hundred dollar refund on the way....THAT"S when you say
'Thank YOU "BOB"!!!"
But listen here people, you've heard me put it to you before
that Dobbs ain't no lowbudget cheepni show. That was the OLD days.
Now "Bob" has powerful engines of finance and business to move, to sway
and manipulate so that the ENDTIMES come out right. And people, those
powerful, hidden engines of "Bob"'s will must be lubricated, must be
fueled and we know what sort of fuel they require. Whether you are
enlisting in the forces of Dobbs, re-upping, thinking about buying
personal accoutrements or wish to cast a vote for a candidate for the
Sub Government...NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE ACTION!!!!!
Send your money to Dobbs, to Him whereunto all cash
must flow, he's going to get it ALL sooner or later so you might as well
make that offering now. Buy that merchandise, buy those tapes, fill out
those forms, mail in that check, UPS your wallet, overnight your
trustfund...Render unto Dobbs that offering of love, of faith, of POWER...
send MONEY...BUY THINGS..SIGN UP FOR THE SAUCER SHIPS,
MAKE A DOWN PAYMENT ON A NEW SENSE OF HUMOR AND SOURCE OF IRRITATION!!
Write your own jokes, deliver your own punchlines, edit your
own realtime movie.
When that day that is coming shall come upon us, none shall
treat it as a joke, none shall deny it.
It's simple friends, either you're in the ships or you're frying painfully
forever (subjectively speaking). That membership card and those
purchases of the faith offerings of "Bob" are your ONLY way to SALVATION.
THE WAR OF THE END TIMES IS UPON US AND THE JUGGERNAUT
OF DOBBS CANNOT BE STAYED. BUT IT CAN RUN OUT OF GAS.
Only YOU can help "Bob" win the war...Invest in Sub Genius
Love Bonds and Heavenly Donation shares. Spread the word that the only
safe porfolio in the times that must come is the one with the slackmask
of Dobbs on the cover. Investment of your money in anything else would
not only be foolish it would be sacrilege!!!
Barely two years to get your things in order dear friends!!!
Praise "Bob" and praise the Word of "Bob"!
GG(Humpin' fer "Bob" since I dunno when) Gordon
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
Ahhhh, yes bretheren and sistern, praise GGG, praise Tarla, and
Praise Dyna, the current best shot a t Sub President this newsgroup will
ever have! The End Times are upon us, what're ya gonna do? The shit's
hitting the fan, who are you gonna be this time around? You can be
Gordon or Tarla or Dyna or any number of fine SubGenius ministers, but
then you have to turn around and figure out, that when those Saucers
land, as the hour is at hand, and those tiny green men or BIG SCARY
ETERAL GODDESSES hovering over your bed will no doubt point out, and
the RAPTURE happens, a little like the Rupture but a whole hell of a
lot messier....when the RUPTURE happens on THAT FATEFUL DAY, not to be
confused with that one time, what will happen except that your dear
dyed-in-the-wool-up-to-their-own-eyes bretheren and sistern, Gordon and
Tarla and Dyna and all the rest, are gonna be RUPTURED. Are gonna
know peace and happiness, or creative expression, or election as
president, or editor of their own mind movie...and all that you're
gonna be, dear friends, is one of THEM!
Now, mind you, there's lots of your SubBrethern to go around.
In fact, as the Great Pope Meyer hath said, "If you're "Bob" is
dead...TRY MINE!" But when those saucers land, and all you have is an
identical self to those already Ruptured up, you're gonna be bleating
like a stuck sheep. "Oh, why didn't I schism?" you'll be noted to
ejaculate as we watch aboard the safety of our air-conditioned, luxury
space vessels, shining bright with the glare from a thousand parties.
>From the privacy of our own minds you will be seen to have had nothing
left, not even your own personality, as the Conspiracy ups and rips
the mask off of it's midnight face and rams it's dripping, throbbing
member right past your wallet, which just doesn't happen to contain
your ticket to Salvation, your SubGenius Membership Card, and straight up
your poop schute it will go!
Friends, don't say we didn't warn you, and don't think for a
minute we didn't try, against our better judgement but out of the
goodness of our hearts, to convert your body, to convert your soul, to
convert your very MIND over to the Worship of the Mighty Pipe-Smoking
Savior in the Sky. Don't say we didn't tell you so, that as you look
up into the air from your tattered foxhole on smouldering planet Earth
only to see the Vangaurd of a brand-new species emerge from out over
the treetops, that we didn't with every last reserve of our now-useless
physical energy try to alert you to the dangers, and the glories, of
fighting the Con on YOUR terms and of getting away with it as a
SHIT-KICKING SUbGenius WARRIOR!
Oh, sure, you've seen the Schisms, you've seen the internal
power struggles, you've even read the books...but did you believe em, dear
friends? Did you bother to consult your own "Bob"-gland to
determine whether this Conspiracy wasn't ACTUALLY just a big
joke...whether Slack wasn't ACTUALLY a big joke...whether that
twenty-five foot Dobbshead staring back at you from the innermost
confines of reality itself wasn't just somebody's poor idea of some
hideously grotesque JOKE???
At that moment you will finally realize just how stupid you have
become in NOT sending in that $30 to PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214.
You even ignored DynaSoar's pledge for president, and instead voted
Communist this time around. You fool! We're not kidding, this is NOT
some horrible joke, and you will regret it way past the day you die if
you DON'T aknowledge the Conspiracy as a living, breathing monster
which wants to enslave you and make you normal! Yes, you! Get
crackin! There is scant short time left to get this show on the road.
Rumour has it that if you act now, you can count yourself as among the
elect 7,000 or so who are doomed to spend eternities of bliss in
every waking moment of their self-constructed realities! Don't cop
Dyna or Tarla or GGG! Be your own Church...become One with ours!
You can do it if you don't give up. I know you can. The fact that
you've read this far proves it!
(Oh, buy the way Dyna...here's another: $1)
Keep It Up,
Dr. Ginsu
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
Oh my brothers my sisters my inbetweeners and out oftheirminders will you
not LISTEN to the call within YOURSELF? This ain't no game! This ain't
no TV show! This is LIFE we're talking about here! It's no game, it's a
WAR! It's US against THEM my friends, and though the outcome has already
been determined in our favor, we must still FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT alongside
our allies to keep this mutha MOVING ALONG!
We can WIN! You can WIN! Win this war--win this life! Yes, life is
WINNABLE when you understand what's truly going on! Do you understand
what I'm saying, my friends? This isn't some late night infomercial
preaching about winning at real estate, or winning at love, or winning at
business...I'm saying WINNING AT LIFE!
How? Through the power of SLACK. Slack is what was TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU,
from your earliest incarnation back in the stone age, by those "in
power". By the Con! ("You mean the government, or businesses?") NO, I
mean the Conspiracy of Normalcy out there! HELL YES that includes the
governments with their laws about what you can and can't believe without
getting locked up. HELL YES that includes the businesses out there that
tell you what you can and can't buy wihtout getting ostracized from the
rest of the world. HELL YES that ALSO includes the kids you went to
school with who laughed at you if you wore something that they didn't and
HELL YES that includes the fascists out there that don't like whites or
blacks or purples or stripes with plaids and YELL HES that includes all
the plain ol' regular folks that get along and roll their eyes quietly
when someone dresses, talks, or acts in a manner which they deem "not
normal". I think it's fairly obvious to everyone by now that YES, these
are the people IN POWER! Not just at the "high levels" of business and
corporate, but throughout our society, DEFINING our society! Society
itself is the enemy; society is nothing but an agreement between the
"members" as to what is acceptable and what is not. And by defining what
you can be, they limit you, limit your power, and TAKE AWAY YOUR SLACK!
Break out of your mold, and PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES! Believe in
your own delusions! Believe in OUR delusions! You are BETTER than those
normal fux out there, and because of that, you can have power over THEM!
You can beat them in EVERY important way, and that means having the key
to LIFE! It's like playing DOOM knowing all the cheat codes! ENTER GOD
MODE NOW, by getting back your Slack! Reclaim your individuality and
discover feelings BEYOND happiness and contentment. Realize that you have
the power to destroy ALL OF SOCIETY, and become intoxicated with that
heady knowledge.
Is this anarchy? Hell, no. Anarchy is "disobey all laws and destroy the
government, man!" Anarchy is BORING. This is Patriopsychotic
Anarchomaterialism, every man and woman a king, every child and cat a
serf! Is it ever going to happen? Who cares...we've only got TWO YEARS
left until X-Day! That's right, only TWO YEARS until July 5th, 1998, when
the saucers come and take us away, leaving earth to destroy itself. So we
may never see PPAM in action, but it's a helluva plan to work for in the
meantime! It's GOTTA Be better than what we have now, right? So ROLL UP
YOUR SLEEVES, PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS, ANd JOIN THE JYHAD, my brothahs and
sistahs (and preveriously mentioned others)! You can destroy the Con by
subverting its power. Just laugh at it, and when it points its guns at
you, squirm underneath it and eat away at it until it finds an easier
target! Or, if you've got the balls to take it on mano-a-manymano, more
power to you. All that's important is that you throw your weight in
behind "Bob", for only he can navigate us through this sticky web of hell
that is this war! So throw your weight and your WALLET into "Bob"'s back
pocket and CHARGE FORWARD, fellow Yetinsyny! You have nothing to lose but
your lives, and nothing to gain but your SLACK! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
--
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!
* Are you abnormal? Then you are probably BETTER than most people! *
* ETERNAL SALVATION OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK! For info send $1 to *
* The Church of the SubGenius / P. O. Box 140306 / Dallas, TX 75214 *
* -= Visit alt.slack =- *
* FREE SUBGENIUS STUFF! FTP to ftp.netcom.com and cd /pub/pk/pkitty *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gggor@io.com (gg gordon)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
HOT DAMN BROTHERS AND SISTER, CAN YOU SEE AND FEEL THAT SPIRIT MOVING
YOU???
NOW IS THE TIME TO SALLY FORTH, PAMPHLET IN HAND, FROP IN POCKET
TO PREACH THE TRUE-BLUE, YETIBLOODED GOSPEL OF DOBBS!!
SPAM THE WORLD WITH THE TEACHINGS OF ALL OF OUR "BOB"S.
Yes dear friends, time to render unto Dobbs that little service
you promised in return for saving your sorry asses! We got some preaching going on.
We got some testifying coming down.
People are starting to RANT!!
People are starting to RAVE. The very Slackmeter
needles buckle as our preacing goes forth into the quantum lather of
the Dobbsian Luck Plane...Can you feel that movement deep within?
Oh friends, when next you visit that little chamber of repose,
when you let loose that great load of doubt and unslack confusion and
open up completely for the penetration of the sacred powers of the pipe,
remember, time is short, there is much to do!!!
Have no fear, your SALVATION is assured {ASSUMING YER DUES ARE
PAID UP} but you ALL must have that special little yeti in your life
that you'd hate to see fried in the endtimes revue. Slip[ them the word
of of Dobbs. Remember friends don't CONvert, SUBvert!!!
Praise fuckin' "Bob"
GGG
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
By DOBBS' HAIRY KNUCKLES Yetikin, we have AWAKENED and CRAWLED OUT
of the Belly of the Beast. Yea, we have passed ourselves through the
FIRES of HATE that we might be TEMPERED into TOOLS for "Bob". Not
unscathed, but undaunted, we emerge from our TRIAL by
SELF-DESTRUCTION, ready to face the enemy of Yetinsyny, the
CONspiracy of Normalcy.
HEED the words of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, children when he says "I WILL
NOT GO DOWN!" And we need not GO down before them. We can never
win, for we require them to keep us pure. But we need not LOSE,
individually or as a race.
Where is it written that the CON always triumphs? Several places,
right? Is it not also written that ANYTHING a SubGenius minister
says is TRUTH? IT DOES say that. And so I say to you that they
DO NOT triumph, and so create a new gospel.
It is in this way that they CANNOT beat us. They require ONE TRUTH,
where we may have several. They require ONE GOD, where we may have
a number fluctuating wildly between infinity and negative imaginary
numbers. They require ONE LEADER, and WE dear Yetikin, may be leaders,
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US.
We can shoot off in RANDOM DIRECTIONS under SELF-UNCONTROL, and they
cannot track us or even read the maps we ignore as we fly blindly in
the face of their precious reality. We can dispel the sympathetic
magic of their Laws of Man and God with the flip of a finger, and
RECREATE THE UNIVERSE ANEW with our Faith In "Bob". And there ain't
a damn thing they can do about it but bitch.
WHICH WAY would you have it children, One Way Linear Entropic
Destructionism? Or ANYDAMNWAY Random Rampant RECREATION? We
RE-CREATE for recreation, we make reality for the FUN of it.
We have but TWO YEARS to collect enough souls for "Bob" to buy off
the X-ists. While frying pinks may sounds like a grand idea and
a great way to unwind, shall we not consider putting evolution
BACK ON TRACK? Is it not time that we correct the mistakes of our
foreYeti and reclaim our rightful place as the SMOKE BELCHING
LOCOMOTIVE of the EVOLUTIONARY SOUL TRAIN?
TWO YEARS is all we have. We've spent the last year HATING and BITING
and FULL WAIL HELL BEATING each other. We've spent the last getting
OVER that.
I say we're ready. I saw we BUILD UP SOME STEAM and POP the CLUTCH on
this thing and SAVE the WORLD -- FOR US. Why wait for the X-ists? We
have enough HELLFIRE RANTPOWER just running at IDLE to shame a whole
TENT full of GOSP-HELL evangelists.
I say it's time. Before the urge to bite BITES US again with no
PROPER flesh to sink our teeth into.
I say we CONSUME the Pink World for "Bob" and SPIT OUT SEEDS of
DESTRUCTO-RECREATION, and as WE SEW, so shall THEY WEEP.
Children, it's time.
Point this thing at the Heart of the CON.
"Let's do it." -- Garry Gilmore's last words.
Let us sing:
FRESH 'FROP
(from Strange Brew by Cream, 1967 -- Disreali Gears)
Intro (A7 A7 A7 D9 D9 A7 A7)
E7(9+) D7(9+) A7
Fresh 'frop smoke it until you drop
A7 D9
He's a hell of a savior and he smokes a pipe
A7 D9
He can sell fish water, I think you know the type, the type
A7
And that ain't just hype
E7(9+) D7(9+) A7
Fresh 'frop smoke it until you drop
A7 D9
He's a full blown Yeti with a face of dots
A7 D9
Stare at his picture and you'll see spots, see spots
A7
You know that you'll see lots.
E7(9+) D7(9+) A7
Fresh 'frop smoke it until you drop
(repeat intro)
A7 D9
He's the Grand Slack Master and his pipe is full
A7 D9
He'll sell you Slack, but it comes with wool, with wool,
A7
So what you gonna pull?
E7(9+) D7(9+) A7
Fresh 'frop smoke it until you drop
ARILLYRILLYHOTDAMNMEN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: jch9334@is2.nyu.edu (Kid Ginsu)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
Peoples, peoples, peoples, LISTEN to me! The Tag-Team match of the
Century has begun, and Zoogz Rift hasn't even HEARD about it yet! Don't
you see, friends? Don't you FEEL the Spirit, that Holey Spirit, OOZING
through your every Slack-filled Quantum Space? Can't you feel that
uplifting spirit of MOOLAH wafting about and around and away and back
again? Streaming through your body like neutrinos, makink you
lucky..lucky...LUCKY?! The Tag-Team Match of the Century, dear friends,
is gonna be right here on alt.slack. And it's gonna be US vs. Them, all
right, only it's gonna be ALL of us versus ALL of them! Prepare ye the
way! Raise the standards! Salute all idols! Batten down the hatches
because the mighty Sphincter is about to blow...and this thread is just
the beginning. We have testimony. We have ranting. We have preaching.
We even have "Bob." But do you know what's more, dear friends?
DO-YOU-KNOW-WHAT'S-MORE???
We have a DATE with DESTINY. And not only one date. TWO!!
That's right. At Brushwood folklore center, this July. You can read
about it on SubSite if you haven't already. Folks, this is going to be
the only date in history which combined two overlapping dates, July 5 1996
and July 5 1998, into one all-out PREACHFEST! That's right! The
microphones will be free-for-all to send your blather high up into the
stratosphere, higher up even than Bach's Prelude in C on the Voyager's
Golden Disc! And friends, this is going to be one Un-caged Match that you
will not want to miss!
Get busy. There's lots to be done by then.
Keep It Up,
Dr. Ginsu
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From: ljduchez@en.com (Lou Duchez)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
And yes, dear children in "Bob", we must NOT be content to spread
the word only in alt.slack. For what challenge is there in trying
to convert the converted? Nay, we must be sure to crosspost to
OTHER newsgroups, to set spark to the Yeti souls that lay latent there.
"But they're all a bunch of Pinks," you sneer? I say thee NAY!
for were not all of us once new in the pee of "Bob"? Where were
YOU when it happened? Did you follow the pstench of an ordained
minister to the tabernacle of alt.slack? Did you see a pamphlet
sitting among the Jehovah's Witness literature at the laundromat?
Did the smiling face of "Bob" smile down upon you on the WORST
FUCKING DAY OF YOUR LIFE, and turn it all around for you?
Just as you were drawn to the light of "Bob" and Slack Unending,
so too you must serve as the beacon for the other latent Yetinsyny
out there. Did we not draw some of our finest members from a.o-s.i?
AIEEE yes, sacred jihad it was, the fighting was brutal and no
prisoners were allowed to live, yet our ranks were GREATER for the
battles. And that is the magic of Slack, where even humiliating
DEFEAT is better than their most glorious VICTORY!
Do you truly fear the Con so much that you will not spread the
word of "Bob" among the unsaved? My dear brethren and sistren,
never forget: "Bob" brings us Slack, the product that *works*!
Yes, you have repented, you have learned to Slack off, but can you
spread the word of "Bob" even further?
Remember, it's us against the Con. We're outnumbered by 1000 to 1
AT LEAST in terms of sheer body count. We need all the Yetis we
can get, not just for the battles but for the sheer SLACK as the
snowball of "Bob" grows ever larger!
It's time to stand up and be counted, children in "Bob". Spread
the word, become that fiery engine of destruction you always dreamed
of! Do this small thing, and "Bob" will reward you forevermore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCATHING EXPOSE OF THE CULT BUSINESS!
How to start your own. $1 for introductory book. Peels the lies
off the 1,000 bogus cults and self-help programs in America.
The SubGenius Foundation
P. O. Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
(Visit alt.slack for more details.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty)
Subject: Re: SALVATION FOR SALE
My friends, YOU are the BULLET and "Bob" is the GUN and nothing you do or
say is going to change that, so it is up to YOU to decide what kind of
bullet you are going to be! Are you going to be a dinky little .22
caliber BB or a piece of soft-leaded, aerostatic PEASHOOTER ammo? Or are
you going to shape yourself up to be a MAGNUM-JACKETED, TEFLON COATED,
SHAPED-CHARGED, SMARTLINKED, "COP-KILLER" WARHEAD FOR "BOB"?!? Picture
the Rebel Gods watching your progress on an omnidimensional monitor!
Watching as your face SLAMS into the weak spots of the Con and cripples a
leg or mouth or netherhole! Cheering in macho, adolescent glee at the
CRACKLE and POP of your flaming carcass setting the underbelly afire!
Friends, while those pathetic PEASHOOTERS are clattering across the
ground after their pathetic, flaccid attempt, you will be the highlight
of Instant Replays across this MULTIVERSE!
And I don't care how lazy you are or how unaggressive you are; it doesn't
matter! You don't have to pull the trigger or even look in the direction
you're being shot--all you have to do is GET READY. Surround yourself
with a jacket of PURE FORCE...a jacket of PURE PSTENCH! Build it up from
within; let your Slack come out and OOZE around you until you can't walk
down the street without strangers turning their heads and gasping at
the...the...they don't know WHAT ("It ain't no smell...it ain't nothin'
on him...it's just...uh...") that SURROUNDS you like a Slack Miasma! They
can't understand it, and it will give you the force to MATTER in the End
Times.
Pump your powder to the limit; raise your caliber; FOCUS YOUR HATE! Hate
the Con for what they are. Hate "Bob" for using you like the sheep you
are. Hate your parents for making you the pathetic person you have been,
will be, or are right now. Hate ME for putting you in your place. And
hate YOURSELF for not hating ENOUGH! By slamming a lid of HATE down on
the rest of the world, you can fly above it long enough to take that
final shot right at the center of it. Shoot to kill.
Cut right through the densest armor--let nothing stop you from sliding
into the deepest vital points of your enemy--ruin their chances of
deflecting your attack--*pull the wool over your own eyes*! Everything
you know is TRUE! You ARE superior to the pinkfux out there and your kind
WILL prevail! It's all a joke...THE MOST IMPORTANT JOKE YOU WILL EVER
HEAR, and GUESS WHO'S SUPPLYING THE PUNCHLINE. When you can THROW
yourself into the murky realms of your own delusions, you have made
yourself truly unstoppable.
Hone your Slack, your Hate, your Delusions. Don't settle for being high
caliber, become EX-caliber! Do you want to make a dent in an armor-plated
fortification or do you want to EXPLODE in the air ducts of the enemy's
fortress?
The hammer is cocked.
The chamber is loaded.
The finger is tensing.
YOUR MOVE.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: pkitty@netcom.com (Pee Kitty)
Subject: JOIN US IN SONG! (was Salv-4-$ale)
AMEN AND GOTOHELLE Brotha DYNA! Let our voices rise up and let our glands
pulse and throb with the LIQUID SLACK which courses through our minds and
may it EXPLODE in a conflagration of MUUUUUUUUUUSICK!
"Yetiblood"
(TTTO "Loser" by Beck)
In the time of ancient Earth, I was a Yeti
Pure'frop in my blood and organs at the ready
In Atlantean life, I planned the harvesting
Australopithicus, ruled by their YetiKing
Killed a few ones, but used most for breeding
Gave them the food and any shelter they were needing
Everything's perfect, til the horrible mess
When we sinned 'gainst the Elders with a capital "S"
Stark Fist came flying with its job of denying
Us our place in the world where we ruled as one
Homo Directus turned to Homo Connectus
Got a piece of mud to replace our piece of the sun
So, tell this tale to your kids in the night
Let them know the day when we will reclaim our birthright
Hey... live it
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Double dose of pipe 'frop)
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
Forces of Wotan flew into our space-time
Xists arrived and upgraded our birthline
Now once we were Yeti and then became devolved
Overmen reborn, and the problem was now solved
With the rebirth we had a brand new problem
The evolution of the human race
We ruled the world, many eons ago
But the Con was now formed, enforcing the status quo
We couldn't rule, so we tried to live
But the Con forced us down, and asked more than we could give
Now our time is a waiting game, waiting for the Xists
Who only have two more years
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Just quit your job and Slack off)
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Excremeditation!)
Y'all bring it on down...
"I'm a driver, I'm a winner. Things are gonna change; I can feel it."
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Fuck 'em if they can't take...)
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Aliens, in my head)
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(Avez-vous ShorDurPerSav?)
Soy un Yetinsyn
I'm SubGenius, baby
Accept it or kill me
(It's pure propaganda)
*fade*
Original file name: SALVATIO
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