Subject: SubGeeeeenius Personality Sale!!!!

From: BunkMeister HP Huey <BunkMeister_member@newsguy.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Dec 15, 2001 3:51 PM
Message-ID: <9vgd3m0ps8@drn.newsguy.com>

SubGenius Personality Sale! Every neurosis & personality disorder MUST *GO*! Somewhere. Some personalities in good working order, some are fixer-uppers and some should never leave the crystalline container they arrive in, for the safety of the house! All sales final unless they undergo transformations that lift your wallet and steal the receipt, then we want a cut! Hitch up yer panties, befuddle yer grannies and remount yer trannies, "Bob" is on the march (and sometimes on the lawn, throwing up) and woe be unto them whut ain't got that $30 stamp on their Gland! Where's the remote? How much does the Buddha weigh? What was that unspeakable alien THING you were humpin' in the gazebo last night? Is this YOUR werewolf?? Shut up and answer the question!!

We got yer hubris, we got yer sociopathics, we got yer hallucinatory fear of moths and people who swat at stuff that's not even THERE, sometimes physically, sometimes philosophically! We got folks who can barely speak English but can dance like Nureyev on goofballs! We got goofballs who can languish for years and then burst like Mothra's appendix! Round and ROUND it goes, where the neurons will pop, nobody knows!

We got yer hypersexuality, we got yer asexuality, we got yer trisexuality, folks who dunno WHAT the flurk they are until the windows fog over! We got tits you can tie in a knot or a bow, on BOTH genders! We got wankers, spankers, blankers, spelunkers, debunkers, deep-gray-funkers, plank-twangers, pearl-tweakers, beaker-felchers, toxic belchers, fog-twiddlers, dog-diddlers, fair-to-middlers, eye-poppers, gob-stoppers, poon-shoppers, hog-sloppers, rump-wigglers, bait-them-nigglers, seat-sniffers, psi-stench-whiffers with olFACTory disorders, penny-pinchers, nipple-winchers, Nenslo-needlers and what the hell IS that squishing noise, anyway??!

Patriotism? Get rid of it! Good citizenship? Get rid of it! Good MANNERS? Get rid of 'em! Mental health? Get rid of it! Suspiciously crusty tissue from next to the couch? Get RID of it!! Three-month-old green Jell-O from the back of the fridge? GET RID OF IT, good LAWD! We got a BIGGER agenda: DADA! No, that ain't baby's first word, that's the holy grail, the sacred goal, the meat and marrow of the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS, bein' open enough, whore enough, weird, giggly, wiggly and euPHORic enuf to integrate God's Greatest Joke, Hyoo-mon Life, into yer sword and shield against becoming like THEM, the spoilers and de-joy-lers of every sick and deeply twisted thing that takes US to the heights of laugh-lubing, arrythmia-generating hijinks while leaving THEM mired in the depths of worrying about that suspicious brown MUNG on the Enter button of PALM Pilots that only contain 3 megabytes of shopping lists and bogus Polynesian masturbation techniques ANYway!!!

We gotcher big brains, fast brains, slow brains, NO brains, brains like a buncha little brains on a bolo, lumpy brains, a monkey brain in a jar, scary SMOOOOTH brains with all the creases ironed out, spark-spittin' brains, one-track hacky-sack on-the-rack brains, brains that phase in and out with the moon, stained brains, grainy brains, disturbing brains, perturbing brains, City-Come-A'-WALKIN' brains, turbo brains, furry brains and PUT those damned brains back in yore head and don't lemme SEE you playin' with 'em like that AGAIN!

If ya got nothin' nice to say about anybody, sit over here next to the TAPE recorders and the VIDEO cameras so it can show up on the Hour Of Slack! Mars needs women, Stang needs material and I need to be gossiped about until I give up my very last thread to sanity and appear in day-glo nipples, do the Dance of the Seven Connies and blind EVERY friggin' one o'ya!! Its all the damned SAME when you're at large with the Flamethrower of the Gods, heartfire fueled by a bellyful of the Beans of "Bob" and a hose planted firmly in the Ass of yer Gland!

Can you FEEL the power of "Bob" crawlin' up yer pants leg?! Can you FEEL the awesomeness of Connie spreadin' the legs of yer puny little mind as far as they can goooo?? Can I get an A-men?! Can I get a frop stick??! And can I get a drink o' water, I'm gettin' all foamy. Can I get an "OHMIGOD DON'T STOP NOW!!??" And that's the CORE of your SubGeenieHood: HURRY UP AND DON'T STOP NOW!!! Slack off FASTER, HARDER, FAAASTERRrrr!!!

The End Times are rollin' on apace and they ain't lookin' at their watch with the femurs of the unwary for hands and goin' "Ooo, we better slow Armageddon down so Stang can finish takin' his DUMP, so Philo can finish his BRAN muffin, so Spice can find a new word to describe her home-made laxative for Rocknar's clogged interpretation of the cosmic amortization tables that define how much a canister of BOBBIE souls was worth as of 10 o'clock last THURSday, so Huey can hobble to the hovel for a new Depend, so Saint Friday can flambe another scrote, so Lil can find a faux diamond pastie that rolled under the couch," NO! NOO!!!

Every BOBDAMNED THING that CAN ride right down on you IS riding, Hell-bent for leather, latex and vinyl and the ONLY, I repeat the ONLY thing that can save your quivering soul is to buy Stang a new CD burner to burn up, I mean, to send "Bob" $30! And ANOTHER 30 and ANOTHER until when you sneeze, DUST comes out of your WALLET and only THEN, my friends, near-friends, poseurs, self-serving smug-mugged DIPshits and yog-boggled visitors and first-timers, only THEN will you be be able to say "Well, screw the rest, I'M paid up, so they can just fry while I dab a little more of this here Eau de Connie-Thigh Frop-Musk behind my lobes!!" Pull on my hair, get mah laigs in the air (preacher, mah legs are on FAHR!) like I jist don't care if you stare but please don't touch me There! Yeaaah, WHAT'd I say? Didja HEAR what Mama said? Otay!

So if you think you've gone AWOL from what THEY hyp-mo-tized you into thinkin' was your pathetic "duty" and your butt-splittin' half a gram of "SANITY"...well then, you're just beginning....PRAISE "Bob" and if given half a frop-damned chance....lick Connie.

Okay, turn off that damned Klieg light or I'm a-gonna pee on it. I ain't a
gawdamned bag of FRIES, there, Obo.

HellPope Huey, hellpopehuey@subgenius.com
There's a fine line between an attitude problem
and thinking clearly
and I'm laying right on it

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
- "The Simpsons"

"Welcome to the show America prefers
3-to-1 over pinkeye!"
- "Ka-Blam!"
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Subject: Re: SubGeeeeenius Personality Sale!!!!
From: "Alliekatt" <alleykatzen@hotmail.com>

EYIYIYIYIYIYIYIII

I PULL DOWN MY PANTS AND SLAP MY ASS AT THE AWESOME BEAUTY THAT IS HELLPOPE
HUEY'S RANTING!!!!!!!!!!

PRAISE fuckin Bob and GIMME FORTY-SEVEN HALLELUJAH JACKOFF MAGS with the
PAGES STUCK TOGETHER!!!

A-MEN!!! BLUHBLUHBLUH! P-TING!

yuh-huh.

alliekatt
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Subject: Re: SubGeeeeenius Personality Sale!!!!
From: John Starrett <jstarret@carbon.cudenver.edu>

BunkMeister HP Huey wrote:
<snip>

A-mucking Fen, brother.

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Subject: Re: SubGeeeeenius Personality Sale!!!!
From: "Rev. Dead Corpse" <DeadCorpse@justanotherfucker.com>

Yeah, Hi. Can I get a double meglo-mania. Two chili-cheese complexes. A Body
Dismorphic Disorder. And, could I get one of those oedipus complexes for the
kids?

--
The Rev. Dead Corpse from the Lone Pentagram State

"Life is tough. Life is tougher if you're stupid."
-John Wayne

"Ya know? For an Evil Super-Genius, he really isn't too bright."
-Rev. Dead Corpse

"When the Voices in your head start calling you by the wrong name, is that a
bad sign?"
-The Mistress of Nothing

Send $1: The SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306,
Dallas, TX 75214
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From: "Marguerite Golgotha Espanol" <marguerite@optusnet.com.au>

I'll take two sociopaths and an asexual thanks.
Will that be cash or charge?

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Original file name: SubGeeeeenius Personality Sale... - converted on Thursday, 20 December 2001, 03:30