THE CALL OF THE CHILD
The Brag of the Young SubGenius
by the Irreverend Charles Tehn
COWAFUCKINBUNGA! I AM THE PROBLEM CHILD! Lock up your daughters as tight as you want, I want your wives! I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch that was ever whelped, I eat Tonka trucks and shit Legos! I am what pedophiles get hot for! I've got mescaline in my Pez dispenser! I was the sperm that ruptured my dad's dick on the way out and slammed my mom into the wall! The day I was born volcanos erupted, mountain ranges collapsed, and Dr. Seuss began hemorrhaging! I brought my mom off fifteen times on the way out of her hot twat and then I killed the doctor, two nurses, and an orderly with my bare hands and my umbilical cord so I could go back and fuck her again! Don't even try to teach me anything, I tutored Isaac Asimov and Carl Sagan and made them suck me off in gratitude!
I screw up the curve, in both directions! I was never a virgin! I cause all teenage pregnancies! YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! I take all dares! I boned dad's bunghole my first day and I sold him for pennies! I put caps on my dick and hit 'em with a hammer 'cause I like the feel! After my first pre-school placement test they awarded me three doctorates and a Nobel prize, and I wiped my ass with them! I am the GUERRILLA VANDAL! I don't set fire to houses, I burn countries! I kick police cars out of my path as I stride!
I gave Charlie Brown his first taste of a man and I did it Snoopy doggy-style! I don't smoke crack, I pour milk on it and eat it for breakfast! I let other kids fuck my four year old sister for baseball cards! I put the sex in rock and roll and I taught Elvis to wriggle! Traci Lords learned everything from me, but I dumped her because she was too old for me! I beat the living shit out of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and face-fucked Shredder to death! TAKE ME ON! I am the kid that eats Drano, that racks up $2,000 on the phone bill, that finds the firearms and shoots his friends! I teach other kids how to jump on Dad's crotch, every time! People die in my D&D games! Churchs catch fire when I walk in! I got Popeye off spinach and onto heroin! My balls strike sparks when they rub together and Little Orphan Annie went blind at the sight of my red hot wrist rocket! I go into the woods late at night and let Satan worship me! I take over school buses and crash them into tunnel supports for laughs! They won't let me die, 'cause death is the only place anyone can hide from my mighty pranks! I turned into a swan and fucked ODIN! I am the only lover good enough for me to go back to! I turned Jessica Rabbit into my love slave and let Betty and Veronica fight to the death with pliers for the right to lick off my shaft!
No detention can hold me! No cop can catch me! the judge doesn't dare do anything to me or I'll stop giving it to his mom! I fist-fucked G.I. Joe! COME ON AND GIVE ME A TRY! I ate Bugs Bunny raw! The pictures I drew in kindergarten are hanging in the Louvre! I can't get a drivers' license because no ones's ever lived through my driver's tests! Mr. Rogers begged to swallow my steaming piss! I practice dangerous sex! I arm-wrestled Superman to the death and beat Batman at chess at the same time! I am the one that teaches children to curse and I am the one playing doctor with your daughter! With real surgical tools! I sold Big Bird to Colonel Sanders! Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace, and Calvin are perfect little choirboys compared to me! I still breastfeed! Toilet training is for wimps, I shit where I please! I aim for the gods when I jack off, and I hit 'em! I am Damian, I am the Hellchild! I am.....
(at this point the cartoon came back on)