by the Right Reverend Jesse Stump, Ancient Abbreviated Calif. of California and Pastor Present of the First Evangelical and Unrepentant Church of No Faith (Discordian SubGenius)
FRENZIED CAMP MEETINGS!
STEP FORWARD AND TAKE THE PLEDGE: FORGET ABOUT JESUS!
I prayed once to Jesus and He appeared before me in an Host of Angels and said just to forget about Him - that He was sorry He ever said anything to begin with. Yes, folks, all thinking about Jesus ever caused was religions - and even the faithful agree there are already too many of them anyway.
For two-thousand years people have been thinking about Jesus. Where has it gotten them? Into holy wars, into hassling their neighbors about salvation, down the dard road to feudalism, etc.
So let J. R. "Bob" Dobbs tell you once and for all how to turn over a new leaf and forget about Jesus!
JOIN OUR DOOR-TO-DOOR CRUSADE TO HELP EVERYONE FORGET ABOUT JESUS!
Even militant Atheists and Satanists make themselves miserable thinking about Jesus - or at least thinking about the people who think about Jesus - all the time. So they, too, are invited to join Jesus Anonymous and call a buddy for help whenever that urge to think about Jesus strikes.
STREET EVANGELIST: Pardon me, sir or madam, but have you forgotten about Jesus?
SIR OR MADAM: Certainly not!
STREET EVANGELIST: Well, why don't you? You might begin to see things in a whole, new, liberated way!
SIR OR MADAM: Get away from me or I'll call the police!
STREET EVANGELIST: There many interesting people besides Jesus to think about: Vanessa Willians, Emperor Joshua Norton, Huey Lewis and the Nes, Pat Benatar...
SIR OR MADAM: You, sir, are a fanatic and an embarassment!
(Note that conversations like this seldom convert the sir or madam; they are, however, excellent for confirming the street evangleist in his or her conviction that people might as well forget about Jesus.)
ENTER OUR FORGET-ABOUT-JESUS TESTIMONIAL CONTEST AND HELP SEND A MISSIONARY TO IRELAND AND WIN AN EXPENSE-PAID VISIT TO JAPAN (where no one hardly ever talks about Jesus). Just explain in 25 words or less what forgetting about Jesus has done for you:
"Until I read How to Forget about Jesus Through Prayer, the Laying-on of Hands, and Hypnosis I thought about Jesus. Believe me: I've been much happier since I decided to think about something else," writes Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst in excess or our word limit.
"I spent the first half of my life being for Jesus and the second half of my life being against Jesus, and then I learned how to forget about Jesus and mind my own business. Until then, I had no idea my own business was so interesting!" testifies District Attorney Frank Visage - off the record.
"There is no doubt about it. Most people would be better off if they forgot about Jesus - and so would their friends and neighbors and all the other victims of our satellite communications spying system," confided television's 700 Club born-again preacher Pat Robertson, allegedly, in a program broadcast by special arrangement to the Puzzling Evidence area of Berkeley only.
Explains J. R. "Bob" Dobbs: "The secret to big sales in business that most Texans don't understand is never to talk to a potential client about Jesus - especially if he is Jewish."
BE THE FIRST ON YOUR BLOCK TO JOIN THE MILLIONS WHO'D RATHER FORGET ABOUT JESUS AND WOULD PREFER THAT EVERYONE ELSE - PARTICULARLY THE RESIDENTS OF IRELAND - WOULD ALSO FORGET ABOUT JESUS.
"In Dobbstown everbody is so busy talking about "Bob" and Eris Discordia and Wotan and the Xists and Brown and Root and all the other deities that there just simply isn't time to think about Jesus," were, according to Informed Sources, among Elvis Presley's last words.
SECRET TEACHINGS FOR THE MORE ADVANCED: Actually, the Forget-About-Jesus Movement is inspired from behind the scenes by the Ancient Order of Essenes, who opposed the public preaching of the occult doctrines that later became known as the teachings of Jesus. Although Jesus, who belonged to our Order in the beginning became a heretic and went out and blabbed, He repented His error at the Last Supper, saying - without the explicative deleted - "Oye vey! I come not to bring peace, but a sword!"
As we Essenes have always known, arguing about metaphysics only causes enormous bloodshed. Better you should be silently smug and just go about your business thinking you understand what everyone else does not - like the early hippies of the sixties. That's why famous people in all walks of life like the unknown authors of The Upanishads say, "They who understand, understand not; they who understand not - they understand." Or LaoTzu, a high intiate, wrote: "Those who speak do not know; those who know do not speak." And the Buddha, who possessed our secret power, said that all metaphysical questions should be answered with a Noble Silence (the sound of one hand clapping). And that's also why our agent, Chairman Mao, said on Page 212 of his Quotations that there is no point in discussing metaphysics, because you can argue about them forever without reaching agreement.
WATCH FOR OUR WEIRD LITTLE ADS IN PULP MAGAZINES OF THE FUTURE!