©1986 Rev. Ivan Stang

Yes, it's true -- I fucked Connie Dobbs. It wasn't my idea, either. She called me up! From the Riviera, yet! Said, "Oh, Reverend Stang, "Bob"'s dead now, I'm so lonely, won't you come see me? I bought you a plane ticket, it's waiting for you at the airport." I thought, "Well, that sounds just a mite fishy..." This was right after the so-called assassination in '84, see, and "Bob" hadn't been in his grave 2 weeks. (That's what we thought at the time, anyway). But I kissed my wife goodbye, went to the airport, flew to the Riviera... Took a taxi to the hotel... and sure enough, there's old Connie, ensconced upon this huge double bed with fringes all around it, in the finest hotel in town, naked, spread-legged, saying, "Oh, Rev. Stang, I've waited for you for so long." And I said, "Connie... Connie, what the hell do you think you're doing?" She said, "Don't play Mr. Moralistic Preacher-Boy with me, Rev. Stang. I know what kind of a man you are... I've heard from all the SubGenius groupies." I said, "Connie... I'm ashamed of you. What would "Bob" say?" "Well, "Bob" would probably want to take pictures," she said, and laughed. A snickery laugh. "But what are you fretting about? He's dead now. We won't ever have to worry about that tobacco-stain-toothed, grinning fake personal savior again!!!" I said, "Connie, I won't hear that kind of talk," and I started to walk out of the room. But then she jumped up and wrapped her cunt around my dick. It was none of my doing. I was standing up, walking away... I don't for the life of me know how she managed to whip my dick from out of my pants so fast. But before I knew what'd happened, she was humping up and down on it, keeping herself between me and the door, saying, "Oh, Rev. Stang, won't you please stay and fuck me?" And I said, "I won't fuck ya, Connie!" She keeps a-hunching up and down on it... I'm fucking her, basically... I could say I wasn't... but I was... And she's begging and pleading, "Oh, Rev. Stang, won't you please stay and fuck me?" I looked her straight in the eye and said, ""Bob's" watching you right now, Connie. Right this very minute! "Bob's" hearing everything you say. He's in Hell... and he's suffering... and you're making him suffer all the more, and I won't be no part of it. I'm going back to my wife and family." And so I came, and I pushed her off me, and walked out that door.

Of course, she kept trying to call me up... my wife got to wondering what had happened, and I had to tell her... that was a mess, there. But now, last I heard, Connie's bedding down and sucking and fucking all the god damn Church Hierarchy boys... And do you think for a minute that they care what "Bob" thinks? I suppose maybe at first they do... but then, when that old Connie starts in on 'em, applying her sex-devil magic and all, well, you'd best believe their so-called loyalty to "Bob" flies right out the window!

I don't like it; but it's an age-old story, that's for sure, and it ain't gonna change any time soon.

But I'll sure be interested to see what "Bob" does when he comes back to this planet in power and Glory! Oh, yeah. We'll just see.

Any other SubGenius ministers -- male or female -- who have fucked Connie Dobbs are requested to describe their experience and send it in to THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214.