Rev. Mark Mothersbaugh

Kids 'n' Sex

Where do kids get their ideas about sex? what elements contribute to the misconceptions we have in our pre-sex ages?

I remember at the age of twelve, thinking that a woman's private pads must resemble the blowhole on a whale: smooth, with a round hole, not unlike the hole on a gblf green. The female receptacle must be built to fit the job of accepting penile injections that-I wasn't sure why, but I knew-it was my duty as a red-blooded member of the species to perform. Something attracted me like a twelve-ton magnet with fifty pounds of iron in my boots. I taped mirrors to my shoes as was explained to me on those Boy Scout camp-outs I used to go to, where we all sat around the fire alter the adults passed out, and the older boys filled us younger boys in on the realities of the world of sex. I had a friend who used to wrap himself like a mummy with toilet paper before he could masturbate. I knew another guy who liked to stick bobby pins down his urethra while his wiener was hard, so that during ejaculation he would shoot the bobby pins into the soft glass wool ceiling. Still another guy would go through the trash can in his parents' bedroom, and pull his dad's used mbbers out of the can and sniff his mother's essence on the outside and his father's on the inside, and use his father's sperm as a lubricant as he jacked off inside those rubbery things. All three of these people went on to hold positions of authority in the Conspiracy.