Rev. Doktor Onan Canobite
Pope of Tennessee


(Author's note: These are a series of sketches of life on Earth after 5 July 1998. This is not designed to entertain nor to tell a story . . . these visions, culled from the Beforelife of those living through that time, are presented as what may be your final warning to join the Church of the SubGenius and escape with us on the Pleasure Vessels of the Xists. Not even the highest circle of Conspiracy operatives will be exempt from the horrific conditions described here. Keep in mind that this essay could be applied to any point from the years following X-Day until the End of Time. For those remaining behind on Earth, there will be no alternative, no change, and no chance for escape.)

The TV was always on. It was discovered that it didn't matter if a television could be made to watch you, as long as you could be made to watch TV all the time. This was achieved through increased use of subliminal and superliminal persuasion, sexdeath imagery and televised warsport. Art was replaced by science. Most radio stations, fully automated since the early nineties, were never restocked, and played the same music for decades before eventually mnning down. During the Violation of the © (also known as the War of Visions), all standards for chronology were lost. Most clocks disagreed if they could be made to function at all, the laws of Time having been lost (except regarding Work). The age of the large expensive automobile returned, being better suited for the urban theater. Birth-control viruses were in most city water supplies. Canned water was more expensive and had to be boiled. The White Stone of MWOWM and the Quality Darkness of OEDIVIDEO were in every compartment, each with its unexpected side elects. Dead orbiting space colonies gave rise to new constellations: the Hypo, the Chevy, the Smear.

All police and news reporters were required by law to dress as Bozos. Only later did they realize the intimidating advantage this gave them. Most species of animals died out, while parasitic and swarming insects grew in numbers. Dero excavation units caused whole city blocks to cave in, never to be rebuilt. Saucer patrols silently glided down the streets, rounding up the mutants and burn victims that got loose. Ghosts and poltergeists would appear before the MIBs, who, having perfected their stealth jackets, were no longer afraid to be seen by large numbers of people.

Before all else there was work. There were jobs for everyone: 100% employment had at last been achieved. School, now an option, consisted ofa few days ofvideodisks speedflashed at those who could afford them. Most people left their oxymasks on, except to smoke. There were three govemment currencies, but most exchanges were done on the black market due to the 750% inflation rate in those years. Barbed wire and rapedogs segregated the racial sectors ofcities. Any female found alone outdoors was placed in protective custody.

With the rise ofhomelessness, the extended family retumed. These roving bands were usually unsuccessful in getting past the robot machine fire of automated buildings, most of which were kept empty to guard their real estate value. The Royal President and His Cabinet lived an average of 273 years, while the common lifespan shrank to 40. The secrets oftelepathy and psychokinetic powers were widely known, but discouraged as easy vehicles to demonic possession. And the sun was a tiny red ball, like the wildly spinning eye ofa cow whose head has been kept alive in a laboratory dish.


MIBs: UFOlogist's term for "Men in Black." BACK