HoS 500

500 hours of slack on the wall,

A small taste of the ten thousand great new tapes that have come in since the last show we did.

I need more me's. One to do radio and work on CDs, one to preach on tours, one to do Internet, one to do Stark Fist, one to work on a CD ROM game, and about 3 to do business. And one to be a secretary. And one to be a good Dad. And one to service all the groupies. More me's isn't the problem; the problem is they all have to work for free. And if they were mes, they'd all be fighting ewith each other. In a way they already are. The radio me was the low man on the totem pole the last few, uh, months.

But I had to take him out of mothballs for THIS show. I know, I know, it's been nothing buit ancient reruns for 2 months. But this is HOUR OF SLACK #500!! Not devival nor internet nor jobs nor months of debilitating sickness will stay our blabbering mouths, even if all those debilitating diseases AFFECT our mouths.

The DEVIL's been trying to stop our tongue from a'flappin, friends. Well, him or Jesus. The most important organ in a SubGenius preacher's body is that long, thick, red, bloated, stiff, about 9 1/2 inches, ORGAN, the TONGUE, and the flappin' lips, and that's just where the Devil or angels struck. First it was the recurrence due to overwork on the Net, of PREACHER'S LIP -- which struck just in time for a month's worth of public appearances. Then when I finally got that licked, so to speak, it was the superflu. Tubeneck. Captain Trips. And then the ULTIMATE SORE THROAT. But I'm a-HEALING my friends, because I did what Bob said to do. I cut myself some Slack. I ignored everything for TWO DAYS. And now, praise Bob, I can CROAK AGAIN!!

The Conspiracy tried to stop me... then it tried to distract me... then it sued me... then it overcharged me for the cures... but by Gobbs we've BOUNCED BACK to FIGHT THE CONSPIRACY AGAIN!!

They tried to silence me PERMANENTLY. To foil their plan, I silenced myself TEMPORARILY. TRICKED 'em. NHGH FORGOT me when I clammed up for awhile. Heh. See. You CAN beat 'em if you're SNEAKY enough.

And we did manage to fly in under the radar anyway. SURE, it make me a sickly, nervous wreck, and it took a year, but BY GOBBS I MASTERED THE INTERNET. Since the last time I talked to you "live," dear friends, I FINISHED THE SUBGENIUS OFFICIAL WORLD WIDE WEB SITE. And get your pencils ready because I'm gonna hurl you that URL, that Web address.

Now get this: we have finished and published a 5,000 page STARK FIST MAGAZINE, in full color. That's right, 5 THOUSAND pages. In color. Includes the updated HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL in progress, new rants, secrets, tips, a hundred pages of interviews, etc. Only PROBLEM with it is, it's on the Internet. You can't take it into the bathroom with you unless you have a portable computer. You can't hand it to your pals unless you print it out, and that would take DAYS and 10 reams of paper. And three toner cartridges. But if you have that computer and decent non-America Online Net access, well, it's free. 5,000 pages of new SubGenius everything. You can even download games like KILL BOB and the DOBBS ORACLE. You can watch little Dobbs morphing cartoons and listen to weird Dobss hymns. And I know that at least one in ten of you have WEB access. So that WEB ADDRESS of the SUBSITE is:

http://www.subgenius.com. All lower case. And don't forget to point at Dobbs' face and click. That doesn't mean point your FINGER at Dobbs and cluck your tongue. That means use the MOUSE to move the CURSOR over Dobbs' nose, and click the MOUSE button.

Hung out with GWAR and hatched schemes with 'em. Did tons of live radio. Made wonderful new contacts. Glommed onto unheard-of new Hendrix bootlegs. Had record sales and even made a buck or two.

So you can quit saying, "Aw, STang, that SNOB, all he does is mess with the Internet like a GEEK." No, since I got that website up to snuff and made it public, I haven't hardly GLANCED at alt.slack and have barely skimmed my email. I finally got to the point that for me, the Net is only another tool, like a chainsaw or a 1" video editing suite or a screwdriver. I didn't go off the deep end. ALMOSt. Made myself a PHYSICAL WRECK but didn't let it get my SOUL. Instead, Bob got the NET'S soul.

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