Date: Sat, Jul 7, 2001 8:40 PM
Well, the best thing possibly said about this is...I MADE IT! I have one recommendation, though, never have an X day again when there is a full moon out. The luck plane is put under considerable pressure during such times. At least for me.
My frigging car returned from the Repair Time Continuum an hour and a half late. I left Clevelburg at about 4:00 PM driving from west side to east side. The only good thing about that is no west siders ever go east, so the traffic was OK. About 1 mile past Erie, PA, though, I-90 stood still. I was looking for Klaatu so I could tell him "berada nikto" and get the fucking show on the road again. So slow, there was a local TV camera on an overpass filming the occasion of State Hiway "improvements". Fuck them road fixers in Hell, I say.
Lucky for me I have a map of every cranny of this planet in my car, so I was able to navigate around it to find my Pink Ramada Inn to stay. You see, I had my autistic 11 y/o kid with me, and he's, well, Pink, I guess. His Nibs, we shall see, has certain standards.
Using the same maps, I found my way on to Wattsburg and several other small towns 100 or so years ago having dropped off the radar screens. Then in to the burg of Sherman, NY itself.
Sherman looks like the setting for the Twilight Zone/Outer Limits episodes where you enter the town and can never leave again due to some temporal paradox or other. Everything required to sustain life is present in one block of stores (and nothing else). You could almost hear the hum of the force field trapping people there. Nevertheless, the replacement unit and I needed carbofuel badly, so we stopped off at the local Pizza Place.
This is the kind of place where there are eight tables
different table cloth designs. Four booths entirely covered with duct
tape which had dried 30 years ago leaving vaginal gashes. At one of the
tables, I heard someone say, gee it's nice for FOUR generations of our
(John Deere hatted) family to get together with Pizza every Friday
night. See what I mean about temporal events?
The pizza, however, took only a record 10 minutes and
fully cooked and half way decent. I sat very uncomfortable, though, as
I felt the vaginal tear of my booth cushion gape under the weight of my
incredible ass. I ate as fast as I could consonant with not burning off
my entire palate, and rushed to Brushwood just as the old orb was
passing near the horizon.
I got to the place and showed up for registration.
I guess there were
also Pagans onsite, and the registration person had no idea with whom I
was allied. So I got in for free because I told them I was just there
for a couple of hours.
Me and the replacement unit milled around a bit. From
memory, I recall seeing Popess Lil, Troutwaxer, St. Mark the Perpetually
Amused, and St. Al. My poor kid, an affectionate soul, attached himself
to Troutwaxer (who has a beard like Daddy's) almost like the Alien in
the same-titled movie. BT was kind enough to share his aerobic sofa
with us, and many of his neck hairs which my kid is most anxious to
remove from everybody he meets.
I tried in vain to get Little Mister Sister to sleep
in his sleeping bag
in the van. I even had the porta-TV-VCR playing to provide him with
something Pink to watch. Didn't work. He would doze off, someone would
reach a crescendo on their rant, and he'd wake up again.
As he is developmentally disabled, his powers of speech
But like Harpo Marx, he gets the idea across. He was wrestling with me
trying to get my one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the
gearshift and saying his one good word: "HOME". I guess the idea of
attending a BullDada Auction in the open air of SubGenius Fellowship
fired off his strangeness detector.
The look in his eyes was one no Daddy could argue with:
"Gee, Dad, we
don't DO these things!" If he would have only been able to understand,
I would have told him...TRUE, WHICH MAKES THIS A HELLUVA GOOD TIME TO
I gave in to the bugs, cold, and whining around 11:30
after the third
ESO tune. But not before the VERY CREEPY BRUSHWOOD "OWNER" (who goes
only by the name of FRANK) came down to tell me to leave immediately as
I had used up my "couple of hours" for free. Rules the place like a
Nazi Guard. I ended up giving him a ten spot to stay just a little
longer. And around then the Full Moon rose to great splendour.
That explained the ordeal that I had just passed through
to get there.
I could take only one picture because I needed both hands at all times
to extricate Little Mister Sister's hair pulling appendages from other
random SubGenii, darn it. But I made it.
Oh well, I look at it this way, I did not choose to
follow MY father's
But hell, I made it, Bob Damn It! And my appreciation
to all the nice
SubG's there who helped me corral my dear boy, who is, to say the least,
a little faster in all regards than the Old Man.
And now I'm faced with the problem, how do you get Pizza
off a "Give ME Slack" T-shirt?
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
iDRMRSR <email@example.com> wrote:
poignant and hilarious report
Man, you are the hardest working dad in the UNIVERSE!!
seeing you from a distance heading towards the pavillion with the lad
in tow, but I was in the middle of advising Rev. Peaches (? -- I still
havem't slept much) about avoiding sunburn on her breasts, which, you
can imagine, took me as long as possible. Then I never saw you again!
Well, don't fret, you didn't miss anything that won't
harped over by everybody.
I have seen how patient you are with that boy and I
must say, it's too
damn bad that you aren't paid for saintliness AND/OR perversity,
because you are a master of BOTH and would soon be a millionairre!
ALL HAIL MISTER SISTER!!
It's too bad Frank was gruff with you, he's really a
super nice guy.
But he probably had you figured for a Rainbow person. The Brushwood
staff is wary of Rainbow people because they always seem to plead
poverty and then steal stuff. And, you know, you LOOK so much like the
typical Rainbow Gathering afficionado.
Damn... I am really sorry I didn't run into you... I'll
bet if we had
surrounded the boy with topless babes for a minute he would have
changed his mind. But then everybody except him would have been
arrested. Man, you ARE stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I hear
of any spare soft places you could use as a buffer, I'll sure let you
know! In the meantime, you have my GREAT ADMIRATION and I will save ALL
the video out takes (the kind men like) just for you.
How about an after the fact Bobbie Award for Best Dad.
I think we still
have a ribbon around with "I'm Special" or "I Like Myself" on it...
From: iDRMRSR <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Ye-Dobbs, I'll take it. The CotSG has been about the
only source of
Slack since the luck plane dipped shitward for me many years ago.
Anything positive is welcome!
Saturday, I took my little Slugger on a nice drive through
(ran into a buncha Wasp pricks that wouldn't even let me on the
Institution grounds) and Jamestown and down to the Kinzua Dam. The
hilite of that day was having a couple of genuine Pennsylvania Hot Dogs
at some shithole stand in Warren, PA. Now there's SLACK on a bun. With
melted cheese and Salsa. I've had some orgasms that didn't match up
with those doggies. And I don't mean just eating them...HAVING them
better describes the act.
Sorry I missed you, too. You looked like you were really
disorganizing things on the stage and I thought Little Sister might have
been a little more amenable to the festivities so I could mill the crowd
a little more later. I retired to my elegant van to see if I could
convince him to sleep, but, no. So I watched things kind of like
Ah well, I've always enjoyed being simply a Lurker at
Next year, now that I know the lay of the land at Brushwood (pun
intended), I plan to do a lot better. Besides, I have half my soul I
have to go back to Sherman and retrieve out of the time rift. They'd a
took the whole thing if I ordered a LARGE pizza. First restaurant I was
ever in that had a price list denominated in Soul Quarters. Even though
I got out, my Adam's apple is starting to grow and bob as I speak, and I
have a sudden craving for a John Deere lawnmower.
One thing, overall, the boy and I have had quite a thrill
ride on this
strange ball. Personally, I would rather that the peaks and valleys
levelled out a bit more. But then again I would have missed all
Original file name: My XXXX Day - iDRMRSR - converted on Tuesday, 10 July 2001, 16:15
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